Post by ggold on Jul 17, 2016 22:12:09 GMT -5
Reading some of the experiences from the men in this community brings to mind a man I knew. He also lived in a sexless marriage lacking intimacy and love. He was a fun-loving man. He enjoyed traveling (was in the Navy), found joy in dancing (especially the polka), always laughed and joked, was very involved in his church community, and was loved by many people who knew him. Loved by many except the woman he married.
She was a good woman who endured a very tough and painful childhood. Her childhood demons caused her to be bitter and contributed to the paralyzing anxiety she experienced for years. She hated to socialize and travel, suffered from severe panic attacks, and was agoraphobic. She was a stay-at-home mom to three children and barely kept it all together.
He worked extremely hard to support his family. At one time, he held three jobs. Communication between the two of them was limited. They would write notes to one another and leave the notes on the table. When they did talk, sometimes the tension was high. He would mostly shut down, shake his head from side to side and say, “I can’t win.” She would call him, “Good-time Charlie.” He would smile and laugh and have a good time with everyone else but her.
He was imperfect. He drank. Not everyday, but when he had one drink he could not control himself and would have another...then another. He would drive home with his guardian angels taking the wheel. Stumble up the front steps. Collapse on the couch. Vommit. Sometimes the paramedics would need to be called. He had many health issues and his drinking made them worse.
His wife had extreme anger towards him due to his drinking. She tried to shield his drunken episodes from her children by saying that, “Daddy is sick.” She would look at him with disgust and hate. This hatred would boil over into their everyday lives whether he was drinking or not. This hatred also caused her to pull away from him emotionally and physically.
Here was a man who married a woman who had mental illness. He would never consider leaving her or his children. He worked hard each and everyday to provide for his family. He found ways to be happy outside of the marriage, whether it was through socializing with friends, being involved with his church or work organizations, taking his children to NY Mets games or bringing them to their cheerleading competitions, playing catch with them in the street, taking them to Florida on vacation without his wife. To all who knew him, he seemed genuinely happy. He never spoke a bad word about his wife to anyone.
He never admitted his drinking was a problem. He probably drank to dull the pain of the miserable marriage he felt trapped in.
After 35 years of living in this so-called marriage, he was caught by his wife having an affair with another woman. His wife was actually devastated even though she knew deep-down that their marriage was over long before this event occurred. Her hatred grew like a raging fire. He wanted to continue to live life as they were. The kids were all grown and out of the house. At this time, her anxiety was under control and she was no longer agoraphobic. She felt more independent and stood her ground. She told him he could no longer live with her and continue to live his lifestyle. He had to choose. He chose to leave. They sold their home and parted ways. They did not divorce for financial reasons.
He had a few years of born-again bachelorhood before becoming terminally ill. Slowly, his health deteriorated. During this time, his wife helped him. She would bring him food, take him to his doctor appointments, clean his apartment, wash his clothes. Eventually, he was unable to live alone. His wife took him into her apartment. In between his stays in the hospital and rehabilitation center, she cared for him. She would feed him, bathe him, clean up his bowel movements, shift his body in his hospital bed so he would not get bed sores, give him his medication. Unable to care for him as he became weaker and incoherent, she moved him to a hospice facility. She was with him while he was comatose. On Jan. 31, 2010, he passed. She was not by his side when he died. Only the two of them know if they reconciled their differences before his passing.
This man was my dad. I am very much like him in personality. I look like him. I loved him.
I grew up witnessing a sexless marriage. A loveless marriage.
My parents did all they could to hide this from my sister, brother, and me. As we grew older, we knew.
When I was about 20 years old and dating my first “real” boyfriend, my dad was tipsy and told us that we should have all the sex we could when we were young. I was so embarrassed! My dad was about 46 years old at the time. I am 47 now and understand where he was coming from with what he said.
My dad was trapped in his marriage. He never would have left us with my mom having mental health issues. So, he tried to create his own happiness. Only, I now know he was not truly happy. By the time he found some happiness outside of his marriage, his health began to decline. Time ran out for him.
I cannot help but wonder what advice my dad would give me now. Would he support my decision to leave my marriage? Or would he take the stance of my mother who wants me to sacrifice my happiness for my children? I will never know. But I do ask him to come into my dreams. I know his spirit is with me and no matter what I do...he loves me.
She was a good woman who endured a very tough and painful childhood. Her childhood demons caused her to be bitter and contributed to the paralyzing anxiety she experienced for years. She hated to socialize and travel, suffered from severe panic attacks, and was agoraphobic. She was a stay-at-home mom to three children and barely kept it all together.
He worked extremely hard to support his family. At one time, he held three jobs. Communication between the two of them was limited. They would write notes to one another and leave the notes on the table. When they did talk, sometimes the tension was high. He would mostly shut down, shake his head from side to side and say, “I can’t win.” She would call him, “Good-time Charlie.” He would smile and laugh and have a good time with everyone else but her.
He was imperfect. He drank. Not everyday, but when he had one drink he could not control himself and would have another...then another. He would drive home with his guardian angels taking the wheel. Stumble up the front steps. Collapse on the couch. Vommit. Sometimes the paramedics would need to be called. He had many health issues and his drinking made them worse.
His wife had extreme anger towards him due to his drinking. She tried to shield his drunken episodes from her children by saying that, “Daddy is sick.” She would look at him with disgust and hate. This hatred would boil over into their everyday lives whether he was drinking or not. This hatred also caused her to pull away from him emotionally and physically.
Here was a man who married a woman who had mental illness. He would never consider leaving her or his children. He worked hard each and everyday to provide for his family. He found ways to be happy outside of the marriage, whether it was through socializing with friends, being involved with his church or work organizations, taking his children to NY Mets games or bringing them to their cheerleading competitions, playing catch with them in the street, taking them to Florida on vacation without his wife. To all who knew him, he seemed genuinely happy. He never spoke a bad word about his wife to anyone.
He never admitted his drinking was a problem. He probably drank to dull the pain of the miserable marriage he felt trapped in.
After 35 years of living in this so-called marriage, he was caught by his wife having an affair with another woman. His wife was actually devastated even though she knew deep-down that their marriage was over long before this event occurred. Her hatred grew like a raging fire. He wanted to continue to live life as they were. The kids were all grown and out of the house. At this time, her anxiety was under control and she was no longer agoraphobic. She felt more independent and stood her ground. She told him he could no longer live with her and continue to live his lifestyle. He had to choose. He chose to leave. They sold their home and parted ways. They did not divorce for financial reasons.
He had a few years of born-again bachelorhood before becoming terminally ill. Slowly, his health deteriorated. During this time, his wife helped him. She would bring him food, take him to his doctor appointments, clean his apartment, wash his clothes. Eventually, he was unable to live alone. His wife took him into her apartment. In between his stays in the hospital and rehabilitation center, she cared for him. She would feed him, bathe him, clean up his bowel movements, shift his body in his hospital bed so he would not get bed sores, give him his medication. Unable to care for him as he became weaker and incoherent, she moved him to a hospice facility. She was with him while he was comatose. On Jan. 31, 2010, he passed. She was not by his side when he died. Only the two of them know if they reconciled their differences before his passing.
This man was my dad. I am very much like him in personality. I look like him. I loved him.
I grew up witnessing a sexless marriage. A loveless marriage.
My parents did all they could to hide this from my sister, brother, and me. As we grew older, we knew.
When I was about 20 years old and dating my first “real” boyfriend, my dad was tipsy and told us that we should have all the sex we could when we were young. I was so embarrassed! My dad was about 46 years old at the time. I am 47 now and understand where he was coming from with what he said.
My dad was trapped in his marriage. He never would have left us with my mom having mental health issues. So, he tried to create his own happiness. Only, I now know he was not truly happy. By the time he found some happiness outside of his marriage, his health began to decline. Time ran out for him.
I cannot help but wonder what advice my dad would give me now. Would he support my decision to leave my marriage? Or would he take the stance of my mother who wants me to sacrifice my happiness for my children? I will never know. But I do ask him to come into my dreams. I know his spirit is with me and no matter what I do...he loves me.
