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Post by mylastchance on Jul 16, 2016 21:31:36 GMT -5
I want to start off by saying that I hope each and every one of you who are desperate and wondering what happened to your one and only LIFE will use this Forum as a way station and not as a permanent abode - what good is a washing machine stuck on a never-ending rinse cycle? We all deserve happiness, peace, serenity, copious amounts of uninhibited sex, and simply to feel like we TRULY matter. We deserve what all those other guys and gals have. We really do. To sacrifice your LIFE......for someone who is ABUSING you, well......nothing good can come from it.
That said, I am at the gate. I determined four years ago that I was truly done (actually my heart and spirit united to TELL me I was done). Waited until the last child was out of the nest and had fully intended to be free by now. I was so fixated on it, so confident, I had all my ducks in a row.......I should be free right now, enjoying a nine week summer vacation. Instead, I find myself being thrashed about once again in that rinse cycle, drowning in it.
BUT! Hope springs eternal. I know that to save my sanity and my life, I need to go. I am back on track and want to be done with this by the end of October. The suffering I have endured (first at because of her and then because of me......and really, it's always been me because we can CHOOSE, at any time, how to react and respond, and I did pretty miserably at all of it).......I never want to endure that level of spiritual pain again. So......on I go, with a new plan -- to completely drop the churning, grinding, gut-wrenching focus I have had on WHAT HAPPENED (past) and the FEAR of ending this. All of my focus is now on ME, as a deserving and unique human being, and on my awesomely selfish quest for the future I want to live in. No more time to keep reattaching myself to the past events -- utterly pointless and futile. Now, the FEAR......I'm worried about that one because it became overwhelming at the point I had set my out date........just paralyzing. And I need to work through that (hopefully with help from you guys, who understand the ILIASM shithole very well).
I believe my fear stems from this: that for 33 years I have identified myself (proudly) as boyfriend-fiance-husband-father. Those are my life markers, since age 19. I never associated myself with my job or anything else. I was all about marriage and family, and my whole self-concept was wrapped up in those things.......so when I let go, what am I? Do you know what I'm saying? I think I fear not knowing who I am anymore, how to identify and place myself in the world. I'll still be 'father', but - you know - the kids may bail on me for awhile. So.......as desperately as I want to leave THIS PLACE......I think I fear not knowing what the next place is at all. I'm not at all concerned about finding love again. I'm mainly concerned about how to re-attach myself to the world again as a 'divorced man'. What is my 'identity' in this new place? How can I find the beginnings of what I might 'be'?
Dunno if that makes sense, but look forward to getting feedback. And this thread is definitely open to others to express the same and get their own feedback. We can all learn here and prepare ourselves for that coming battle.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 16, 2016 22:15:34 GMT -5
First I want to say:
You've got this!! You'll do it!! And you will find your happiness!!
As far as your identity: boyfriend, husband, father, hopefully ex husband
You stated you didn't identify yourself by your job.
I actually think that's admirable. I teach. I am a teacher but I always said its not who I am it's what I do. First and foremost in my life my family came first.
I always left my job in the classroom. I always identified as a girlfriend, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and now thankfully an ex wife.
I am an empath. Co dependency issues. Enabler. The list goes on and on.
Saying I wanted a divorce took courage and it took putting myself first for once.
As far as my identity in the world - I'm still everything I was before except a wife but now I'm an ex wife and maybe someday I'll be a girlfriend to someone. My identity, who I am? Isn't as important as How I am. And finally I'm happy.
I wish you strength and courage and like I said - You've got this!!
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Post by mylastchance on Jul 16, 2016 22:22:55 GMT -5
I am also a teacher (-:
"...and it took putting myself first for once." Do you recall any particular process or whatever that helped you do this??
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 16, 2016 22:42:06 GMT -5
I think that all of the rejection, the way he treated me, the abuse including verbal, the realization that I would never have sex with him again and the life of a nun was not acceptable.
The buildup of all of these factors and the realization that someone that loves you doesn't treat you that way and I deserved better. You deserve better but only you can help yourself
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Post by baza on Jul 16, 2016 23:00:23 GMT -5
You seem to be asking "Who am I ??"
And that is a great question for anyone to ask themselves, on a pretty regular basis.
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But this personal development / search for the authentic self / call it what you will, is an ongoing process for all, irrespective of what else might be going on in ones life.
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For what it's worth, I think peoples personal growth tends to take off like a rocket when they shake off their ILIASM shithole. That's the feedback I get anyway.
Hardly surprising when you think about it.
The emotional energy one was pissing up against the wall in ones ILIASM shithole, is then available to focus on far more positive things.
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That's the logic of it, which is all very well, but there is still an element of "a leap of faith" required to get from here to there.
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Post by Caris on Jul 17, 2016 0:59:04 GMT -5
It took me 25-years of fear before I actually left. I had no courage. I was terrified, immobilized, and felt paralyzed every which way. I saw no future for myself in the five-years before I left. All my dreams, my hopes, my plans had disintegrated to nothing.
I had spent 5-years working very hard to gain my financial security, only to see it crumble to dust. I was devastated. That was my ticket out of the misery, and now it was gone, and I didn't have a plan B. Facing my 60s, I felt like there was nothing left for me. I saw nothing ahead. My mind was a blank when it came to my future.
Here I am one year out. It was very hard that first year, but I survived. I still can't tell you where I fit in this world. I don't know. I don't date. I live in solitude, and I still don't see a future. No plans because there is nothing in my head or my imagination. I have no dreams or goals to achieve because all my dreams turned to dust. However, I'm not worried about it. I just take each day as it comes.
I think being a Buddhist helps me because letting go of desires, and not striving for anything is part of the practice, so I just try and accept the present as it is. There is a certain peace in that, but even with my practice, there are tough days too, but it is getting easier.
I really can't give advice because I don't know where my strength and energy to divorce, and move almost 2000 miles away came from. When the time came to pack, make all the arrangements, and actually travel, I went from zombie like to some energetic woman who got it all done. It must have been adrenalin that kept me going for several weeks because once I'd done it, I collapsed and became inert again for a few months. I did it most of it alone, with no support network. It was very hard, and very sad for me, but here I am.
I walk, ride my bike, visit lakes, parks, places of interest by myself, but that's a big difference from the hermit I'd become at the end of the marriage. So, yes, it's hard to do. It's terrifying before you do it, and it didn't feel too good after doing it, but it gets easier as time goes on. You'll be okay too. Good luck!
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Post by unmatched on Jul 17, 2016 2:32:28 GMT -5
mylastchance what you wrote makes a whole lot of sense. My wife and I were talking about divorce options about six months ago and we spent enough time going through the practical and financial stuff that we were both a lot more confident that we could make it work. I also spent a lot of time imagining and visualising what my life might look like and what I would want to do with it, and I found that incredibly helpful. Who am I is a huge question and in many ways one you can only answer by looking backwards at what you have done. But you can certainly ask 'what is most important to me' and 'what would I like my life to look like'? Those are very manageable questions, and ones that will go a long way towards pointing you in the right direction.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 17, 2016 6:06:03 GMT -5
Picture your life as a triangle.
Past ( left side)
Present( bottom)
Future( right side)
You are running around and around down this closed track. You start at the top, you go down the hill of dwelling on the past. You then go down the slow mundane path of the present. Knowing up ahead is a an uphill climb back to the top of the triangle, leading you to start all over again , thinking about the past mistakes. The third side ( the future) has become a wall, a step backwards, a fear.
Break the bind ( LIASM) at the top of that triangle.
Watch the past fall flat to the left.
Watch the future open up to the right. \_/
You know have three pieces, connected, forming a flat straight line! ___.___.___
No one, knows who they are. Because no one knows what lies ahead in the future!
You do know the past and the present.( 2/3 rds of it) Do not let that end your hope and drive forward for the future.
By putting the past behind you, and learning from it when necessary, you do not go backwards when pushed you hold your ground. While continuing to press forward gaining ground in the present toward the future.
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unkakris
Junior Member
Trying to Figure This Out
Posts: 86 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by unkakris on Jul 17, 2016 7:09:51 GMT -5
 mylastchance All of the above. I know it's a cop out of a reply, but it's true! Recently I have added meditation every morning to my routine. It hasn't shown me who I am outside of a relationship. It hasn't made me a golden warrior of nerve and decision. But, it has allowed me to cry, to actually SEE the pain I have been carrying around inside. It also has made me less patient and more mercurial in my feelings towards my "partner" while simultaneously made me able to see those feelings, hold them gently, and let them pass along. So they don't sit, and burn me, like a hot ember. The dark blotch that is the world she lives in is no longer for me. I too am looking for the courage to move on. Recently I completed a race challenge to see if I could do it. I finished in half the time I thought it would take, and felt like a GOD crossing the finish line. Two hours later, back home, same crap. But I was the one who did the hard thing. You will find the courage. Do you know why? Because courage is simply doing what has to happen DESPITE the fear. bballgirl , baza , Caris , unmatched , greatcoastal Are all speaking their truth, and have within each of them THE truth. I think you have a glimmering of what your truth is, do the hard thing. Because maybe, the fear of the next step hurts less than the pain you'll surely feel if you DON'T take that step. |
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Post by iceman on Jul 20, 2016 8:55:05 GMT -5
I can certainly identity with this. For my entire adult life I've identified myself first and foremost as a husband and father. When I was single I was never a 'player' looking for meaningless sex. I wanted to find that connection that would potentially lead to marriage, family, etc. Now as I contemplate leaving I'm having trouble defining who that would make me. I'll still be a father. My kids are within a few years of going off on their own regardless of what I do but I won't be a husband. What will I be? One of those old single guys trolling bars and ogling any female that crosses their path? I certainly hope not. I just don't know what I'll be. But I think that's okay not to know right now. It's scary but it's also kind of exhilarating to think about going out into the world alone again. It's a chance for a new start. A different phase of my life.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 20, 2016 9:51:06 GMT -5
I can certainly identity with this. For my entire adult life I've identified myself first and foremost as a husband and father. When I was single I was never a 'player' looking for meaningless sex. I wanted to find that connection that would potentially lead to marriage, family, etc. Now as I contemplate leaving I'm having trouble defining who that would make me. I'll still be a father. My kids are within a few years of going off on their own regardless of what I do but I won't be a husband. What will I be? One of those old single guys trolling bars and ogling any female that crosses their path? I certainly hope not. I just don't know what I'll be. But I think that's okay not to know right now. It's scary but it's also kind of exhilarating to think about going out into the world alone again. It's a chance for a new start. A different phase of my life. Friend, I can so relate to this! Another important factor ( you already know this, a good place to bring it up) is the future. The kids will be gone before you know it. What then it's just the two of you. Who wants to spend twenty five years living rejected? Two of my strongest motivators: 1) we are setting a horrible example for the teens. The whole family can be better off with a divorce in the long run, ( future). 2) I am 52 yrs old. Bad enough to be starting over now. How much more difficult 5 yrs from now! |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 20, 2016 20:16:48 GMT -5
Friend, I can so relate to this! Another important factor ( you already know this, a good place to bring it up) is the future. The kids will be gone before you know it. What then it's just the two of you. Who wants to spend twenty five years living rejected? Yeah, the signs we ignore... 5 years ago (at an anniversary dinner), I tried to put a positive spin on it instead of bitching. "The kids are going to be out of the house in a few years. I'd like us to find more common interests so we have things to do together once the kids leave home." "No.", she replied, "I'm good with how things are." I was dumbfounded then, and yet I'm still here. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 20, 2016 20:52:50 GMT -5
Friend, I can so relate to this! Another important factor ( you already know this, a good place to bring it up) is the future. The kids will be gone before you know it. What then it's just the two of you. Who wants to spend twenty five years living rejected? Yeah, the signs we ignore... 5 years ago, I said "The kids are going to be out of the house in a few years. I'd like us to start looking for more common interests so we have things to do together once the kids leave home." "No.", she replied, "I'm good with how things are." I was dumbfounded then, and yet I'm still here. I find I am having problems with answers like that. my radar goes up,and so does my temper. (passive aggressive? I get so tired of hearing that , like I have no right to be angry!) I can"t remember a single time when I have EVER JUST TOLD HER FLAT OUT NO. You even started with a whimsy, "I'd like us to start looking". do you have a "compromising, give in" vocabulary? {I do} like, " i would like to.or what if, or how about, or would you like to, or when you feel like it, or when you have the time, etc..." Not much desicion making, leadership sounds in those words, are there? Compared to, "No!" The fear is that I come across to brazen now. my words are more like," what? what do you mean ,no? It's not a yes or no question, was it? well answer me? I said I want us to start looking at things we can do together, and you rejected it right away?" I have been getting the silent treatment, or more excuses. Then comes the "that's what you like, that's to far, I can't be outdoors". What she is really saying is I don't want to do things with you, i like my cozy ,sheltered ,mundane, routine environment, and I am in charge by not submitting to any of your changes to my ways. How dare you try to control things. It makes me feel like the bad guy. How dare I not be the caring give in husband? boundaries, discipline, control, honesty,truth. Those should all be at my disposal to be a good husband in a working relationship. Instead they are used to make me feel guilty. |
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Post by adventura on Jul 20, 2016 21:44:47 GMT -5
I've been reading a book on verbal abuse because I'm starting to suspect it plays a role (albeit very subtle) in my sexless relationship. Usually we think of verbal abuse as shouting, angry words, swearing, putdowns, insults, but this book defines it differently. Verbal abuse is present when your partner prefers power over you to a relationship of equals. In a verbally abusive relationship, the abuser's goal is to control the abused. The abused partner wants to communicate with his or her partner and can't understand why all attempts at communication end in failure - not realizing that the abuser has absolutely no desire to communicate; in fact, the abuser's desire is to stifle communication as much as possible.
The abused assumes the abuser wants to communicate with them because admitting otherwise would mean ending the relationship, which is frightening. The abuser also feels fear, but it's fear of losing control of their abused partner, so they do everything they can to shut down honest conversation. If called out, they'll turn on the charm, temporarily stop their abusing ways, and very convincingly pretend to be normal. I guess it's normal behavior for someone terrified of losing control. It also makes the non-abusive partner feel like she's losing her freaking mind.
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unkakris
Junior Member
Trying to Figure This Out
Posts: 86
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by unkakris on Jul 20, 2016 21:46:49 GMT -5
I've been reading a book on verbal abuse because I'm starting to suspect it plays a role (albeit very subtle) in my sexless relationship. Usually we think of verbal abuse as shouting, angry words, swearing, putdowns, insults, but this book defines it differently. Verbal abuse is present when your partner prefers power over you to a relationship of equals. In a verbally abusive relationship, the abuser's goal is to control the abused. The abused partner wants to communicate with his or her partner and can't understand why all attempts at communication end in failure - not realizing that the abuser has absolutely no desire to communicate; in fact, the abuser's desire is to stifle communication as much as possible. The abused assumes the abuser wants to communicate with them because admitting otherwise would mean ending the relationship, which is frightening. The abuser also feels fear, but it's fear of losing control of their abused partner, so they'll turn on the charm, temporarily stop their abusing ways, and pretend to be normal. It can make the non-abusive partner feel like she's losing her freaking mind. Please share the title! |
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