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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 18, 2016 16:36:46 GMT -5
I agree with so many of you. What blew the ship out of the water was my wife's controlling actions when I cleaned out my teenagers floor and was taking his mess out of the house. She walked me into a corner,and refused to yield wanting that bag, mostly clothes. I lightly bumped her with the bag, after telling her numerous times to get out of my way.she grabbed the bag our arms locked. It was the yell to her half deaf father to call the police.
Be careful as you press forward. As an attorney warned me, just a simple push to the shoulder, while saying "I was just kidding!" Is grounds for sexual assault, expect a night in jail, and that shreds your record as a fit parent. And with divorce on the horizon, it's a threat that becomes very real.
It also makes your spouse look ugly physically. It makes you feel like they will never have the right to touch you ever again. And yet you share the same bed. A difficult situation, yet a get out of jail free card at the same time.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 19, 2016 8:15:39 GMT -5
When do we stop wanting them? That's the rub for me. I never stopped wanting her, no matter how condescendingly or hurtful her words about how having sex with me was just "one more thing she had to do". And now that we are divorced and having distanced myself from her emotionally, I don't love her like I did through out the marriage. But the truth be known, I still want to pump my tadpoles in her when ever I can. I would never go back to her as the romantic focus or as my life partner, willingly choosing to bind my future with hers. That's way to painful and frustrating to even contemplate. But when it comes to the sex,I know that given the choice between spending time between her legs and half a dozen other naked ladies, she would be the jump off station for my little swimmers.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2016 9:21:02 GMT -5
I'm also struggling with this, because I'm fairly certain at some point in the last few months my view of my wife has shifted from that of partner and spouse, to the roommate I'm taking care of. While I'm staying at a friend's house for the next few days, I'm kinda dreading going back home at the end of the week, in case she tries to initiate- I don't think I'd be able to go along with it. That was how I ended up feeling about my ex. After I moved, but before we decided to stop being a couple, I got so I dreaded going to visit him on weekends. I once asked him (no, more than once) what I could do that would help him. He said "just be there." "Just be there" and do WHAT, exactly? I don't think I'm capable of "just being somewhere" without DOING something. If you don't want to do anything specific with me, then don't keep me on call. |
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Post by LITW on Jul 19, 2016 16:33:56 GMT -5
Its going to vary by person, but yes, at some point you are going to stop wanting your refuser. No human can take steady rejection and still want the one that is rejecting them. I realized I had hit that point when I was on vacation with my wife a few weeks ago. Every time we tried zip code therapy before, I had high sexpectations, which were almost always smashed to pieces early in the trip. This time was different though ... we didnt have any sex, and I expected that we would not, but what surprised me is that I really didn't care that we didnt.
Knowing that is sobering, and saddening.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 19, 2016 20:20:55 GMT -5
Right now I still want her, but I feel kind of repelled at the same time. It is a very strange feeling!
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 19, 2016 20:24:22 GMT -5
Right now I still want her, but I feel kind of repelled at the same time. It is a very strange feeling! That's because you desire something you've been conditioned to see as "wrong". It's very conflicting. How messed up is it when you feel compelled to apologize for brushing against your wife's body? It screws with your head. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2016 20:56:21 GMT -5
Right now I still want her, but I feel kind of repelled at the same time. It is a very strange feeling! That's where I am right now. I want him, because well, I want sex, but I feel repelled b/c of the way he's treated me in the past and b/c of constant rejection. Agreed, very strange and conflicted way to feel. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 19, 2016 20:57:44 GMT -5
I think once that awakening moment happens, there is no turning back. As DryCreek just said, when you realize you've been conditioned to see it as " wrong",. You notice that the other 98 percent of their life is going along just fine. And why shouldn't it? 98 percent ( and is now back to 100 percent after the reset) is pretty good!
It's going to take divorce papers at this point to change anything, and for most all victims of a rejector, it's too late.
What 's different ( speaking for myself) is that the old wall of " she's pretty! okay I noticed her" is no longer there. That drive that was suppressed for so long gets stronger with every time I am away from my detached wife and in a room full of other women. My strong urge to feel desired by someone again is taking over. A much stronger desire for different women I see ,grows within me.
All part of the emotional process?
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jul 19, 2016 21:36:53 GMT -5
Even with the horrible way he treated me the last time we tried to be intimate, I still wanted him. I look back and I know all I wanted was to repair what we had, to keep trying, but after years of being rebuffed, silenced, shut down by him, the feelings of wanting to try disappeared. Eventually it turned into having no feelings for him at all. I care about him as a person, but the romantic, intimate connection died. It was a long process, and I think our hearts and bodies need to catch up with what our minds already know, that it is done, finished. Difficult, yes, but also part of my detaching and being able to move along a different path. Getting to the point of detachment and feeling more responsible for my happiness than protecting his was easier once I felt fully separated emotionally. Best to all muddling through this right now. {{hugs}}
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Post by iceman on Jul 20, 2016 8:37:40 GMT -5
Right now I still want her, but I feel kind of repelled at the same time. It is a very strange feeling! That's where I am right now. I want him, because well, I want sex, but I feel repelled b/c of the way he's treated me in the past and b/c of constant rejection. Agreed, very strange and conflicted way to feel. I have those feelings as well and it is a weird conflicted feeling. I can become aroused by her because I want sex, as I did that night a couple of weeks ago, but I don't want her for her any longer. I no longer have any sexual or romantic feelings for her. I still want sex, just not with her. So while we were having sex my head and my heart were telling me to stop because I don't feel anything but my nether regions are saying they need a good workout. It makes for a pretty unsatisfying experience. The nether regions won the conflict, but just barely. From just the sexual/physical perspective it would be more satisfying to have sex with somebody I just met because there wouldn't be that emotional baggage that I'm carrying around from my wife rejecting me all these years. There may not be the emotional connection but there wouldn't be the conflicting feelings ruining the physical pleasure. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 20, 2016 17:17:28 GMT -5
You will just know. There is no desire whatsoever. No conflict in your head. Some of you expressed that you still "want" your spouse even if just for the act of sex alone. Some of you say your spouse can still arouse you. When you really, truly no longer want your spouse to touch you, come near you, can no longer be aroused by your spouse and are repulsed by the thought of sex with him/her....you are done.
As I am.
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