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Post by emmablueeyes on Jul 16, 2016 18:25:32 GMT -5
We went on vacation to Montana (the magical happy place that is suppose to restore his sexual interest) and of course there was no sex. Ironically, a few days before we left he initiated and my initial instinct was no but then I thought sure I should do this because this is what I want right?? And it was pretty terrible. Just so blah....all 3 minutes of it. I felt like I was having sex with my non-hot mailman. I couldn't even say naughty words...I actually used the term "male member." That's just how PG the experience was. So, my question is at what point after so much time of not connecting physically do we stop wanting them at all? Does this come back? Is it possible to reconnect sexually? He was happier in Montana for sure but never once made a sexual move in my direction. Fresh mountain air cure...my ass!
Our anniversary was during the Montana trip. I looked hard for a non mushy non love of my life card and found one. Most of the day went by without either of us acknowledging it was our anniversary until finally that evening I mentioned it and gave him the card. He said that after the previous year when I didn't get him a gift or whatever, he just wasn't going to bring it up. Last year on our anniversary, my father had just been diagnosed stage 4 cancer and died within 7 weeks so I probably did forget to get him a gift or show him enough attention or whatever. I finally got a card from him 2 days later. Ughh. I don't care about cards!! I don't even care about presents.
He's been walking around here acting like things are fine now since we had sex once in 6 months and all I want to do is get out.
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Post by mylastchance on Jul 16, 2016 19:19:23 GMT -5
It feels rotten to suggest to anyone that they bolt from their marriage -- but you should seriously consider it. The situation you're in has a 95% chance of remaining the way it is right now, forever. There is almost no chance to float this ship again once it gets to this point. It sounds like right now you are still in a healthy state, you know yourself, you still see with clarity.......the longer you stay in, the more 'you' will disappear.....I mean it....seriously. Then there will come a day when you don't even know who you are anymore and you'll be even more trapped. This is the pattern. If all you want to do is get out, then DO IT. VERY SOON.
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Post by baza on Jul 16, 2016 19:19:43 GMT -5
The "Zipcode therapy" as outlined in your previous post seems as applicable as ever Sister emma.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 16, 2016 19:43:07 GMT -5
I lost sexual interest in my husband. We had sex once a year at best. Last two years of marriage - no sex. It became incestuous to me there was no going back. Sex was lousy and selfish. Staying in the marriage meant being celibate. It became clear that divorce was my only option if I wanted to be happy.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2016 19:47:20 GMT -5
It feels rotten to suggest to anyone that they bolt from their marriage -- but you should seriously consider it. The situation you're in has a 95% chance of remaining the way it is right now, forever. There is almost no chance to float this ship again once it gets to this point. It sounds like right now you are still in a healthy state, you know yourself, you still see with clarity.......the longer you stay in, the more 'you' will disappear.....I mean it....seriously. Then there will come a day when you don't even know who you are anymore and you'll be even more trapped. This is the pattern. If all you want to do is get out, then DO IT. VERY SOON. 95%. I love your optimism. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2016 19:50:08 GMT -5
I always did want her. It would have been much easier if I didn't. Now that our dog died and I don't see her very much it's more real now so I am starting to finally grieve.
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unkakris
Junior Member
Trying to Figure This Out
Posts: 86 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by unkakris on Jul 16, 2016 20:05:26 GMT -5
<Snip> He's been walking around here acting like things are fine now since we had sex once in 6 months and all I want to do is get out. Get. Out. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 16, 2016 23:36:30 GMT -5
We went on vacation to Montana (the magical happy place that is suppose to restore his sexual interest) and of course there was no sex. Ironically, a few days before we left he initiated and my initial instinct was no but then I thought sure I should do this because this is what I want right?? And it was pretty terrible. Just so blah....all 3 minutes of it. I felt like I was having sex with my non-hot mailman. I couldn't even say naughty words...I actually used the term "male member." That's just how PG the experience was. So, my question is at what point after so much time of not connecting physically do we stop wanting them at all? Does this come back? Is it possible to reconnect sexually? He was happier in Montana for sure but never once made a sexual move in my direction. Fresh mountain air cure...my ass! Our anniversary was during the Montana trip. I looked hard for a non mushy non love of my life card and found one. Most of the day went by without either of us acknowledging it was our anniversary until finally that evening I mentioned it and gave him the card. He said that after the previous year when I didn't get him a gift or whatever, he just wasn't going to bring it up. Last year on our anniversary, my father had just been diagnosed stage 4 cancer and died within 7 weeks so I probably did forget to get him a gift or show him enough attention or whatever. I finally got a card from him 2 days later. Ughh. I don't care about cards!! I don't even care about presents. He's been walking around here acting like things are fine now since we had sex once in 6 months and all I want to do is get out. I am so sorry. Vacations and anniversaries suck!! My 23rd is coming up in October and I am already dreading it. Now I will only go away with him with the kids. Never again just the two of us. ((Hugs)) |
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Post by Caris on Jul 17, 2016 1:22:27 GMT -5
What mylastchance said. It appears to be over. Don't waste any more time chasing something that you no longer want. Even when you have sex with him, it's no good because there is no intimacy. It's just going through the motions. You can't get that back. I'm sorry. |
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Post by iceman on Jul 18, 2016 9:14:47 GMT -5
You have hit upon the question I have as well. I no longer want to have sex with my wife. I no longer want to hold her hand, kiss her, hug her, etc. I want her to leave me alone. Whatever connection we had has dried up. I don't think it's coming back. My wife sort of initiated sex a couple of weeks ago out of the blue and, like your experience it was pretty bad, just like the last time we had sex over a year before that and before that. I felt nothing. I'm surprised I was able to go through with it but, like you, I thought I need to do this because this is what I've been wanting all along. To answer your question in I think once the connection is lost it can't be found again. The only thing to do unless you want a celibate marriage is to leave. That's where I am as well.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 18, 2016 10:15:07 GMT -5
I'm also struggling with this, because I'm fairly certain at some point in the last few months my view of my wife has shifted from that of partner and spouse, to the roommate I'm taking care of. While I'm staying at a friend's house for the next few days, I'm kinda dreading going back home at the end of the week, in case she tries to initiate- I don't think I'd be able to go along with it.
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Post by emmablueeyes on Jul 18, 2016 10:55:58 GMT -5
In my head I agree with everyone's input and can see the end coming. I don't think it is fixable. He's been incredibly sweet the last few days though and it weakens my resolve or need to exit right now. I have realized how much I hold back and repress though and have decided to work on not doing that. For example we were watching a show last night that had a very sexy scene and I was thinking about how much I miss that kind of wow! sex. I didn't say anything but I should have expressed those feelings. He's feeling very comfortable right now and I cannot allow him the illusion of my satisfaction with status quo. I'm job hunting for him in Montana too:)
Thanks for all of the experienced advice and support. Just what I needed even if it is hard to hear it sometimes.
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Post by Pinkberry on Jul 18, 2016 12:30:39 GMT -5
I lost interest in my refuser. I think it is like the Shallow Hal theory. People who act ugly begin to look ugly. I remember that I used to be very attracted to him, but now I can't conjure the feeling of it. I find him repulsive in so many ways.
I'm not sure if it could have been recaptured had we stayed together. Given his actions since then, I'm guessing no. He was out too long before he said so, which is why he felt justified refusing. He felt no connection to me and it was obvious all the time. I don't think purposeful distancing can be cured.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 18, 2016 12:38:13 GMT -5
I lost interest in my refuser. I think it is like the Shallow Hal theory. People who act ugly begin to look ugly. I remember that I used to be very attracted to him, but now I can't conjure the feeling of it. I find him repulsive in so many ways. I'm not sure if it could have been recaptured had we stayed together. Given his actions since then, I'm guessing no. He was out too long before he said so, which is why he felt justified refusing. He felt no connection to me and it was obvious all the time. I don't think purposeful distancing can be cured. That's a perfect way of putting it. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 18, 2016 12:43:30 GMT -5
I lost interest in my refuser. I think it is like the Shallow Hal theory. People who act ugly begin to look ugly. I remember that I used to be very attracted to him, but now I can't conjure the feeling of it. I find him repulsive in so many ways. I'm not sure if it could have been recaptured had we stayed together. Given his actions since then, I'm guessing no. He was out too long before he said so, which is why he felt justified refusing. He felt no connection to me and it was obvious all the time. I don't think purposeful distancing can be cured. Yes actions and personality go a long way. |
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