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Post by Dan on Jul 9, 2016 16:15:06 GMT -5
I'm interested to know what and how those who have gone through separation and divorce have decided to "break the news" to their younger kids (let's say: 12 and under).
I know EVERYONE'S SITUATION and story will be different:
- some kids probably know "Mom and Dad really don't like each other"; some don't.
- kids are have all possible levels of emotional awareness and capacity.
That said: consider whatever anecdotes you have... good ideas you found that helped you... good ideas you came across after the fact or things you would have done differently...
I proposing you share them here for the benefit of others.
Or: if you haven't "broken the news yet", what concerns do you have?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 9, 2016 16:24:25 GMT -5
Let me know when you want to hear a boat load of concerns for my 12 and over crowd?
I believe far to many " good intentioned" advise givers, some who call themselves, " professionals" continue to ring the same tired bell, " don't involve or tell the children".
A far to wide, easy, blanket approach.
Thanks for this thread!
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 9, 2016 16:50:28 GMT -5
Dan - this is what I journaled shortly after telling the kids. Not sure if I posted it on EP but maybe it will help:
There are different stages of grief. I had finished grieving this marriage years ago but for my STBX it is still fresh. I told him 2 months ago in September. He was so angry. He cried and begged me not to do this. Then he went into denial mode and just ignored the situation. Last week he was served on Monday. He was so angry. It was a week of emotional ups and downs. Thursday night we had an argument on the phone. Friday morning another argument with texting because I was at work. It ended with him saying he is going to an attorney that night after work.
I later found out that by attorney he meant a family member who is a paralegal.
When he came he was not angry anymore. He had made it to acceptance mode. He wanted to sit down and come to an agreement and just use my attorney. We decided on custody. He said he would give me whatever I wanted. He said if the judge decided on a lower amount he would still give me what I wanted. He said he's going to take time off of work to help me in the garage go through everything and I can take what I want. We were getting along great. After we figured everything out we decided to take the kids to a museum, out for an early dinner and then tell them at home. We all sat together in the family room.
I started the conversation My daughter, 9, cried and yelled "No! don't!" My husband hugged her and rubbed her back. We kept talking and calmed her down in less than 5 minutes she was laughing. My son had a blank stare on his face, a poker face, he was trying not to smile. He is very unhappy with his father and has been wanting me to divorce for a while. I'm hoping that relationship will get better with my H not spending as much time with my son. We spoke to the kids about 40 minutes and reassured them that everything would be ok. They would still see mommy and daddy a lot just we wouldn't be living together. We told them the divorce has nothing to do with them, it's not their fault and we love them very much. We answered their questions. It really went well.
I told them I wouldn't be here for Thanksgiving, that their grandparents were coming and they would have so much fun with them. My daughter's response: "who's going to cook?" That made me laugh.
I'm still in the beginning stages of the divorce nothing has been put in writing yet but it seems we are all on the same page. I honestly think everyone will be happier including my STBX.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 9, 2016 16:58:23 GMT -5
Dan - Here was some good advice from a dear friend that really helped me get through the divorce, maybe it will help you:
Telling Kids
Stress to them that this isn't their fault and how much you love them. If they only get one thing out of this, it should be that the divorce isn't their fault. And where H needs to man up is that they are going to come through this a lot better if the two of you put on a united front and ironically still act like one parental unit. Because you are. You still have to work together for the good of the kids, and they need to know you will even though you don't live together any more. They'll get quite a different message if he is sulking or saying things like he doesn't want this or you are divorcing him. Something like a mutual decision, your father and I have decided to divorce, would be so much less painful for them to hear than that mommy is leaving.
The harder thing to say will be why. Or whether to even say why. But your daughter might ask. I never even bothered to tell my daughter why, because it was obvious. Her mother and I were always fighting and divorce was a no brainer. My daughter even thanked me later. Just like H shouldn't paint you as a home wrecking slut, it won't do the kids any favors to paint him as a lazy irresponsible whoremongering gambler who won't fuck you. I know you wouldn't do that of course, but well that's the reason you are leaving him! So that's a more delicate question to answer. I don't speak from experience here but maybe it is best to keep it as abstract as possible, that maybe they have seen that you and H are unhappy together and you have tried but you can't find a way to live together as a husband and wife. That's giving him more credit than he deserves but whatever. If she presses, maybe you're just not the right people for each other. And you can say that as the gospel truth.
you have handled everything else so well, I know you're going to do this right too. Maybe you'll go out with your son for a beer to celebrate afterwards. Oh wait he's 12, ok pizza :-). Well kidding, he will be happy but he almost certainly will be sad too. This is just sad business even when you know it's for the best.
Do something nice for yourself. Most people don't have the guts to do what you're doing. You're courageous and you have enough self respect to take a hard path to make the life you want. Reward yourself with a pedicure or maybe just a nice latte. :-)
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Post by ggold on Jul 9, 2016 17:11:31 GMT -5
I'm interested to know what and how those who have gone through separation and divorce have decided to "break the news" to their younger kids (let's say: 12 and under). I know EVERYONE'S SITUATION and story will be different: - some kids probably know "Mom and Dad really don't like each other"; some don't. - kids are have all possible levels of emotional awareness and capacity. That said: consider whatever anecdotes you have... good ideas you found that helped you... good ideas you came across after the fact or things you would have done differently... I proposing you share them here for the benefit of others. Or: if you haven't "broken the news yet", what concerns do you have? Thanks for starting this thread, Dan. I do need to hear. xo |
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Post by baza on Jul 9, 2016 20:16:35 GMT -5
My kids were older, so I got nothing of direct relevance here.
But I do have an observation.
When life chucks up these major events in our kids lives - such as divorce, death, re-locating etc - you find out what sort of a job you've done as a parent up to that point.
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Here's an anecdote about traffic going the other way.
My step grandaughter (4) has just stayed with enna and I for a week.
Up until the age of 3 and a bit, there was just her and her mother in their family unit. That was the kids "normal", ans she is / was a very well adjusted kid.
Enter stage left, a new bloke coming in to her mothers life.
A relationship ensues.
The kid is gradually introduced to the new bloke.
The relationship has legs and gets serious.
The new bloke has 2 kids of his own, 13 and 11.
They all get to know each other.
The relationship deepens, and they decide to give it a shot.
About 3 months ago they move in together, blending the whole shooting match in to a new dynamic.
The kid handles this with great aplomb, despite the turmoil and adjustments required.
And personally, I put her successful transition down to the way her mother parented her up to this point.
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Had the traffic been going the other way (a relationship ending rather than a relationship beginning), I would bet that this kid would have handled that pretty well also.
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Post by JMX on Jul 9, 2016 20:35:37 GMT -5
Let me know when you want to hear a boat load of concerns for my 12 and over crowd? I believe far to many " good intentioned" advise givers, some who call themselves, " professionals" continue to ring the same tired bell, " don't involve or tell the children". A far to wide, easy, blanket approach. Thanks for this thread! - I think when you use the word "involve" it is a mine field. They should not be made to help you make your decision - I got that feeling from another past post or comment of yours when you said something similar, I think. One where their approval in your decision would help you make the decision. They should not have to be involved in making grown-up decisions, even when they are older. It's a burden they should not have to carry - no matter if they are happy or sad about your decision. But telling them when it is done and decided should be important. At that point, it does involve them, but only logistics and emotion-control about a decision you have already made. In the hierarchy that you, as a Christian probably agree with - this is God, your marriage and then your kids. Make peace with #s 1 and 2, then tell the children. When the marriage is dissolved and #2 no longer exists, you only need worry about #s 1 and your individual relationships with #3. New hierarchy. But do not skip the point that you must finish #2 completely before moving the kids up on the hierarchy. They are there because of both of you. They deserve to be free from your decisions. |
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Post by JMX on Jul 9, 2016 20:39:30 GMT -5
If anyone can dig through EP, Brother Laotzu had some of the best advice on the kid front. He handles that the best I had ever read.
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Post by baza on Jul 9, 2016 20:45:44 GMT -5
I am of the opinion in these circumstances, that the kids are entitled (age appropriate) to be informed about what is happening, and to have their opinion heard. But they don't get a vote.
*You*, and only you, carry that burden and responsibility of choice.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 9, 2016 20:55:18 GMT -5
Let me know when you want to hear a boat load of concerns for my 12 and over crowd? I believe far to many " good intentioned" advise givers, some who call themselves, " professionals" continue to ring the same tired bell, " don't involve or tell the children". A far to wide, easy, blanket approach. Thanks for this thread! - I think when you use the word "involve" it is a mine field. They should not be made to help you make your decision - I got that feeling from another past post or comment of yours when you said something similar, I think. One where their approval in your decision would help you make the decision. They should not have to be involved in making grown-up decisions, even when they are older. It's a burden they should not have to carry - no matter if they are happy or sad about your decision. But telling them when it is done and decided should be important. At that point, it does involve them, but only logistics and emotion-control about a decision you have already made. In the hierarchy that you, as a Christian probably agree with - this is God, your marriage and then your kids. Make peace with #s 1 and 2, then tell the children. When the marriage is dissolved and #2 no longer exists, you only need worry about #s 1 and your individual relationships with #3. New hierarchy. But do not skip the point that you must finish #2 completely before moving the kids up on the hierarchy. They are there because of both of you. They deserve to be free from your decisions. Thanks JMX, the word "Involve" can be a very broad stroke of the brush. That's why I used it. When talking about general advise, without knowing details. I personally was " involved" in my own parents decision about divorce when I was 15. Since my my family is over 12, I will pm you about it. |
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Post by JMX on Jul 9, 2016 21:04:31 GMT -5
greatcoastal - I am not sure you should have been involved in your parent's DECISION (sorry, cannot italicize from my phone) as I do not think the kids should be involved in the DECISION to divorce. I think kids need emotional security. IMHO, emotional security is merely the security of knowing that the adults in the home can make a decision without a child's input. It screams indecision. No matter where those chips fall, making them part of the decision to divorce process puts potential emotional baggage they are neither equipped to carry nor should they have to. What if the family votes on divorce? Okay. Done. Divorce it is. Let's say wife dies an unhappy, sad woman. How will they feel about being part of that decision? Likely not great. Just an extreme example. That is between you and your wife. The decision to divorce carries implications all must deal with - but the decision is both of yours and you all should own it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 10, 2016 5:45:30 GMT -5
It depends very much on the foundations of your relationship with your child/ren. My concerns over his happiness had been one of the biggest obstacles before I made up my mind. I told him simply that the relationship between me and his father wasn't working, and that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. I assured him that I would do my best to handle the situation with the least amount of discomfort for each of us, and that I would continue to prioritise his interests above all. My son was almost 16 at the time, but he told me that he'd always known that our relationship had been in trouble, and that he had been waiting for this conversation for years! Needless to say, our relationship continues to be solid, something that I can't say he has with his father. My learning is that I waste time worried about my son, whereas he had been waiting for this all along. Children know when things are not ok between their parents, and the model of frustration and defeat in front of a helpless situation, without doing anything about it, it's not the model of behaviour you would want them to inherit from you. That's what was meant by the broad statement of getting teens " involved". Once I started having one on one conversations with my teens, a wealth of information came my way. Communication about how they view my relationship with mom, and how we handle things differently. Comments about other family members and who gets treated differently. All a different approach when dealing with an over 12 crowd. Teens today have a whole different set of " circumstances" today than when I was a teen back in the 70's/80's. This thread was meant for the 12 and under crowd, not teens. So I have said too much.( again) |
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Post by Dan on Jul 10, 2016 10:12:46 GMT -5
Let me know when you want to hear a boat load of concerns for my 12 and over crowd? I'd be interested... sounds like a great idea for a separate thread. I just have the hunch that the approach to dealing with teens will be pretty different. Full disclosure: I started this thread owing to a discussion in a different thread; I don't myself have kids under 12. |
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