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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 3:06:53 GMT -5
I struggle with guilt and maybe a tinge of remorse for leaving my marriage.
Every divorce story that I know contains some element of the other partner doing something generally considered grounds for divorce (cheating, drug problems, financial irresponsibility, not fulfilling adult responsibilities contributing to the household like cleaning and earning a living consistently, etc). Mine has none of that. It boiled down to "I'm not happy, none of this is making me happy, I don't want to be living this way in 10 years, I need a drastic change."
(1) My ex is a good person. Many people would find him a good spouse (unless they wanted sex or physical closeness). How can I do this to a good man (he has said it was the right decision, but then I suffer with remorse for letting our marriage get to this point)?
(2) I was raised conservatively and on the topic of marriage, it was a conviction of mine that marriage is forever, divorce is unfortunate and only for dire circumstances. Alot of my raising I have evolved my thinking but on this topic, while I accept others' choices in this area without judgment, I judge myself harshly.
(3) Given (1) and (2) how is any potential new man going to accept me? How do I explain why my marriage ended in a way that doesn't mean I'm a bad risk as a candidate for someone's serious girlfriend? I feel like I'm a good bet because I'm motivated never to end up in this position again, I don't take it lightly. But if we're judged on past performance, I ended my marriage, so I'm maybe going to be judged harshly by any man who wasn't the one to initiate his divorce. All I can think of is to simply say "itreconcilable differences," and hope that the fact I am amicable with my ex speaks well of me.
(4) Security and practical concerns. I always have supported myself financially, so I'm not missing any financial support because he never had to give me any. We split everything evenly. But there is no one to call for help if I fall down the stairs. There is no one late at night when I'm coming in the house. There is no one with health insurance that if I lose a job and lose mine I can fall back on. I don't get to live in the nice neighborhood with the warm, kind neighbors anymore. I'm out in the cold world without the protecrive "coat" provided by marriage. I didn't grasp the implications when I was leaving, I thought too much that I would re-gain those things with another parrner bit I don't know that will ever happen. Yes, I am supporting myself but together we were able to have a nicer lifestyle than I can have alone. There are no 1/2 size houses with 1/2 size bills in my old neighborhood.
(5) I feel very vulnerable as a single woman living alone, that someone would see that and target me (as in rob or physically attack). I feel like I have to avoid lettting people know it's a single woman living in my house. Like I have to keep the blinds drawn at all times so no one sees it's always just one woman walking around my house.
Someday when I'm feeling good/optimistic I should try writing the reverse of this. There are reasons I left and good things about being single again.
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Post by pfviento on Jul 9, 2016 4:15:20 GMT -5
Divorce is more common than it used to be. I'm positive that if it gets to that point where it is serious with someone a long conversation or two could shed some light on the reasons for it.
I'm sure most of us have spouses with good qualities. Otherwise why would we marry them? You had your reasons for leaving and I'm sure it was not a step taken lightly.
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Post by petrushka on Jul 9, 2016 5:43:26 GMT -5
Heavy trip, Helen. Heav-vy.
After my divorce (first marriage) it was very different ... but then I was living in a different world. My marriage was so pain filled, that I was literally walking on air for a couple of years once the pain let off. Such a relief! I didn't have to move house, I kept my farm, my house, and my friends. Lots of work to stop me thinking about myself. I had people round for dinner at least once a week (enthusiastic chef, here), neighbours, friends, random hitch-hikers I picked up on the roads - and I went out to friends' houses twice as often. And I have thousands of books and in the day I even watched films on late night tv from time to time (it was before ads became pervasive).
I really have no words for you ... other than, maybe: create a vibrant social life for yourself. It helps a lot. It really does.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 9, 2016 7:02:53 GMT -5
I think most of us who divorce someone who was and is basically a decent person feel this way. After 15 months my divorce was granted a few weeks ago. Both my X and I consider that what should have been a good match but ended in divorce as a failure. So don't beat yourself up too much on that. Over half of all 1st marriages end in divorce and close to 70% of 2nd marriages.
It's good you are thinking ahead about potential romantic relationships. Sooner or later the subject of why the marriage ended will come up for both of you and depending on the state and duration of your new coupling should determine your response. Irreconcilable differences will do until you think it's time for more details.
Taking precautions for your physical safety as a single woman is simply prudent. I had a conversation with my single son last week about the necessity of us calling and keeping track of one another. Either of us could be injured and if no one happened to call or come by we could be laying there for days easily resulting in eventual death. So we now try to touch base every few days.
I don't know your attitude about guns but here in the south most women grow up around them so it is an easy transition into owning one and becoming proficient in its use should it be necessary. I know a lot of ladies who own a firearm and have it ready should it be required. Liberal elitist may believe all criminals really need is a hug, but women who live in the real world know otherwise. If I had a daughter she would be a well versed in the art of shooting by the age of 16. Another plus to a firearm is that a shooting range is a great place to meet the opposite sex and share a competitive sport you both enjoy. It's easy to strike up a conversation and perhaps exchange guns for a round of competition and get the feel of a larger or smaller caliber weapon.
Generally speaking most people experience a reduction in their lifestyle following divorce. Following my 1st divorce I had to move in with my mom for a year to be able to save for a down payment on another house. I went from a beautiful new place on the lake to a 50 yr old starter house in an old neighborhood. The new vehicles every couple yrs. went away as did the jetting to new destinations for vacations and visiting family across the country. But life will get better as time passes and some of those opportunities may come your way again.
Having divorced twice now I can say with certainty that you will feel differently as time passes. Hopefully your new status as a single woman will soon come to feel like a comfortable pair of old shoes.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 7:08:31 GMT -5
"(unless they wanted sex or physical closeness)."
That's a pretty big unless. Why should you stay in a marriage without physical (and emotional) intimacy?
(Tangent: I hate the term "grounds for divorce," as if you need some grounds, as if you need some justification for being happy, as if unless you meet some arbitrary criteria you have to cry yourself to sleep at night for the rest of your life. There is only one "ground" for divorce: you can't live like this any more).
And how exactly did *you* let the marriage get that way?
Blaming yourself and minimizing the pain of your rejection. You're treating yourself the way a refuser would treat you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 23:13:24 GMT -5
I struggle with guilt and maybe a tinge of remorse for leaving my marriage. Every divorce story that I know contains some element of the other partner doing something generally considered grounds for divorce (cheating, drug problems, financial irresponsibility, not fulfilling adult responsibilities contributing to the household like cleaning and earning a living consistently, etc). Mine has none of that. It boiled down to "I'm not happy, none of this is making me happy, I don't want to be living this way in 10 years, I need a drastic change." (1) My ex is a good person. Many people would find him a good spouse (unless they wanted sex or physical closeness). How can I do this to a good man (he has said it was the right decision, but then I suffer with remorse for letting our marriage get to this point)? (2) I was raised conservatively and on the topic of marriage, it was a conviction of mine that marriage is forever, divorce is unfortunate and only for dire circumstances. Alot of my raising I have evolved my thinking but on this topic, while I accept others' choices in this area without judgment, I judge myself harshly. (3) Given (1) and (2) how is any potential new man going to accept me? How do I explain why my marriage ended in a way that doesn't mean I'm a bad risk as a candidate for someone's serious girlfriend? I feel like I'm a good bet because I'm motivated never to end up in this position again, I don't take it lightly. But if we're judged on past performance, I ended my marriage, so I'm maybe going to be judged harshly by any man who wasn't the one to initiate his divorce. All I can think of is to simply say "itreconcilable differences," and hope that the fact I am amicable with my ex speaks well of me. (4) Security and practical concerns. I always have supported myself financially, so I'm not missing any financial support because he never had to give me any. We split everything evenly. But there is no one to call for help if I fall down the stairs. There is no one late at night when I'm coming in the house. There is no one with health insurance that if I lose a job and lose mine I can fall back on. I don't get to live in the nice neighborhood with the warm, kind neighbors anymore. I'm out in the cold world without the protecrive "coat" provided by marriage. I didn't grasp the implications when I was leaving, I thought too much that I would re-gain those things with another parrner bit I don't know that will ever happen. Yes, I am supporting myself but together we were able to have a nicer lifestyle than I can have alone. There are no 1/2 size houses with 1/2 size bills in my old neighborhood. (5) I feel very vulnerable as a single woman living alone, that someone would see that and target me (as in rob or physically attack). I feel like I have to avoid lettting people know it's a single woman living in my house. Like I have to keep the blinds drawn at all times so no one sees it's always just one woman walking around my house. Someday when I'm feeling good/optimistic I should try writing the reverse of this. There are reasons I left and good things about being single again. I can relate to some of what you said. On item (1) - yeah, I feel bad sometimes because Ex loved me (the way an 80 year old man might love his 75 year old wife), and never would have ended things with me. But. He wanted to fast forward our lives 30 years - he is not 80 and I'm not 75. We are both in our 50s. I'm not 22 anymore, but I'm nowhere near ready to live like an old lady yet. Why does HE get to decide how we're going to live? Why can't we live the way I want? On item (3), future relationships - I wonder how to talk about sex with a man, in the context of possible future sexual problems. When a relationship is new and you're all over each other, it could be a real mood-killer to say to him, "Suppose one of us became unable to have sex someday. What would we do about that?" And on (4) - I REALLY hear you on this one. I was laid off from my job about 6 weeks after he and I decided to end things. No man AND no job. When I allowed myself to think about it, I was terrified. IMHO, that's the worst thing about being single. Layoffs and job loss are a lot more common than they used to be. Thank all the gods - I had a job offer in just about a month after I found out I would be laid off. But then I had to wait another 2 months before I could actually start work! The economic insecurity is terrifying. But then there's some of the emotional aspects too. I can do okay being by myself; I have an active mind and can entertain myself pretty well. At the same time, I think I'm neither introverted nor extroverted, but somewhere in between. Either too much solitude or too little is not good for me. I need a balance. One thing I hate is eating dinner by myself. I don't like to cook much in the first place; but I will do it for two or more people. When it's just me, it seems like a lot of work to do, when I'll finish the meal in about 10 or 15 minutes. And there's something sad and pathetic about sitting at a table at home, eating dinner all by myself. So, I tend to eat out too much for dinner when I'm on my own. That way, I'm eating in a place where other people are; but it's not good for my finances or my body. In this part of my life, sometimes I miss college. When I lived in the dorm, I could go to the dining hall to eat dinner with a bunch of friends or acquaintances. Why can't there be dining halls for adult single people? |
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 10, 2016 1:49:48 GMT -5
(4) Security and practical concerns. I always have supported myself financially, so I'm not missing any financial support because he never had to give me any. We split everything evenly. But there is no one to call for help if I fall down the stairs. There is no one late at night when I'm coming in the house. There is no one with health insurance that if I lose a job and lose mine I can fall back on. I don't get to live in the nice neighborhood with the warm, kind neighbors anymore. I'm out in the cold world without the protecrive "coat" provided by marriage. I didn't grasp the implications when I was leaving, I thought too much that I would re-gain those things with another parrner bit I don't know that will ever happen. Yes, I am supporting myself but together we were able to have a nicer lifestyle than I can have alone. There are no 1/2 size houses with 1/2 size bills in my old neighborhood. (5) I feel very vulnerable as a single woman living alone, that someone would see that and target me (as in rob or physically attack). I feel like I have to avoid lettting people know it's a single woman living in my house. Like I have to keep the blinds drawn at all times so no one sees it's always just one woman walking around my house. Someday when I'm feeling good/optimistic I should try writing the reverse of this. There are reasons I left and good things about being single again. Your situation will improve and you will feel better, but right now your safety and security as a single woman is definitely an important concern. I live in a relatively safe neighborhood but I installed an alarm system, motion sensors in the backyard and keep lights on at night outdoors and downstairs indoors just to feel more secure. LED lightbulbs are inexpensive to leave on anyways. My neighbors have dogs as pets but for security too. You should consider putting basic security devices and safe practices, or sharing a safer, better place with a trustworthy roommate. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2016 2:01:25 GMT -5
@lwoetin good suggestions all. The outside lights at night are a good idea to deter people, this was my favorite.
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Post by petrushka on Jul 10, 2016 4:34:07 GMT -5
I always have the porch light on at night, but not just to deter people, it's also so people can find their way in the dark when they need help.
"can you give us a tow, our car's in the ditch", "there's a tree that dropped across the road and I need to get home to my kids" at 4 am in a rainstrorm ... We just ran out of petrol ... (those guys got a lift home, not petrol).
But on the other hand, it also lets me see in advance just WHO it is that is banging on my door at that hour. There have been some scary dudes over the years.
When I was first on my own, it got a bit spooky - I even locked the doors once or twice. But after a week or two those worries went away. But I live(d) in a very remote area, many kilometers up a dead end road. Not as much riff raff likely to pass by in the dead of night as in an urban
situation.
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Post by baza on Jul 10, 2016 18:21:27 GMT -5
deleted - quoting you here - "Someday when I'm feeling good/optimistic I should try writing the reverse of this. There are reasons I left and good things about being single again". - Personally, I think that would be an excellent exercise to undertake.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 9:39:21 GMT -5
@helentishappy, what an awesome and thoughtful post.
One of the things that's always impressed me since we first met -- when your first showed up on EP as HelenWheels as a whip witted academic contrarian -- is your willingness to attack questions organically regardless of the prevailing dogma in the group.
BTW: This post would have ruffled feathers of the more devout ILIASMers back on EP.
You're feeling this way because you're a decent honest human being.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 11:19:43 GMT -5
PS. @creelunion : I have to say, you have a wicked memory for formerly-EP-names! The first time I have a memory of Helen from EP, was as HelenTarnation. I remember very well, because I didn't know the word "tarnation" back then, and I had to google it. I also remember her positive and uplifting spirit in her posts from the HelenTIsHappy phase. I'm confident that we will all love the Happy Helen version and she'll be back in no time. Oh, I remember her well. She made a couple quick witted comments on the ILIASM forum, but she was initially more active in some of the other silly ones. She was one intimidating chick! My first goal with her was to figure out which branch of physics she was educated/skilled in. I'm sure she recalls that guessing game. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 22:54:07 GMT -5
PS. @creelunion : I have to say, you have a wicked memory for formerly-EP-names! The first time I have a memory of Helen from EP, was as HelenTarnation. I remember very well, because I didn't know the word "tarnation" back then, and I had to google it. I also remember her positive and uplifting spirit in her posts from the HelenTIsHappy phase. I'm confident that we will all love the Happy Helen version and she'll be back in no time. Oh, I remember her well. She made a couple quick witted comments on the ILIASM forum, but she was initially more active in some of the other silly ones. She was one intimidating chick! My first goal with her was to figure out which branch of physics she was educated/skilled in. I'm sure she recalls that guessing game. I know exactly what you're referring to, lol. I cringe when I think about that week of my life and that posting spree honestly. |
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Post by Caris on Jul 13, 2016 14:34:26 GMT -5
deleted, I do relate to being a single woman and feeling vulnerable. Not having that protective "coat." Soon after I was on my own, there was an incident where it seemed like I was being stalked in my real life. I was terrified for weeks, checking the windows and doors, jumping at every strange sound. I was not like this when with my ex. It's something I hadn't realized when married...I felt safe. Only upon becoming single, and being alone did I start to feel threatened (by men) and vulnerable to attack.
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