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Post by lwoetin on Jul 6, 2016 1:39:54 GMT -5
Hanging out with the neighbors (former NYers) for the 4th of July. We're at my son's godparents backyard pool and enjoying the water, food and friends. My son's godfather is soft-spoken but very tough. He works out at 2:30am every day at the gym so he gets the weights to himself. If college kids are around, they see this old guy using 60lb dumbbells, and they just get out of his way. We're all in agreement that he will outlive all of us. He dismissed it. He said that when he dies, he wants to be cremated and the ashes to be thrown in Hudson River. His wife says no. Catholics are buried not cremated so she couldn't do that. He got irritated so he said he will have to kill her first then.
We were talking with other neighbors about our kids and if they have boyfriends/girlfriends. We told them our daughter does not have a boyfriend yet. One neighbor has a son who will be a junior in college. She asked if he has a girlfriend. He said, not one that she has to worry about. Apparently in high school, he was dating a girl that they considered trouble. She said this girl is now pregnant. One of the neighbors yelled, Congratulations!
Then we started chatting with a couple who have been married for over 50 years. I commended them for lasting so long. They asked how long we've been married and I said 19yrs. I wondered whether being Catholic and teachings against divorce played a part in staying together. Neighbors answered that couples instead get annulments. However at 19yrs, it is too late...maybe if it was our first year they advised it might be possible.
So I asked this couple what is the secret to a long marriage. We all wanted to know their secret. The husband answered in a serious tone, You stay away from her.
We all had a good laugh.
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Post by baza on Jul 6, 2016 2:20:44 GMT -5
Geez, this brought back a memory for me Brother lwoetin.
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Back in March 09 I attended my Brothers 40th wedding anniversary. I attended solo (as me and my missus had had a disagreement and I drove up country by myself), but I thought a gutful of free grog at the function would be a nice diversion. As far as I am aware, the marriage has been solid those 40 years, it sure looks that way. Anyway, I got hammered and had a great time.
At one point, my Sister In Law said to me - "you and X will be celebrating 30 years next Feb won't you ??
I thought to myself - "Fuck. That's right. It will be 30 years. And then 40. I cannot cop another 10 years of my deal".
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Anyway, that was a good one-liner that bloke came out with in your story.
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PS - my deal never made the 30. I was out in Oct 09.
My Brother and Missus will be coming up 48 years in March 2018.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 6, 2016 2:31:05 GMT -5
It reminds me of my grandparents. They always had a kind of uneasy truce going on, but had been married for 50 years or so. Then he retired at age 70 and they down sized into a smallish house and had to spend most of their time in close proximity. They were both utterly miserable until she died 15 years later. He then perked up a bit but was very old by then and died himself a couple of years later.
Sorry to be so depressing so early in the morning!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2016 7:50:53 GMT -5
My grandparents made it over 60 years together before he died....in the end, they were driving each other crazy and were sick of each other.....
We all agreed it was the best for grandma when he passed....
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 7, 2016 2:11:13 GMT -5
Geez, this brought back a memory for me Brother lwoetin. - Back in March 09 I attended my Brothers 40th wedding anniversary. I attended solo (as me and my missus had had a disagreement and I drove up country by myself), but I thought a gutful of free grog at the function would be a nice diversion. As far as I am aware, the marriage has been solid those 40 years, it sure looks that way. Anyway, I got hammered and had a great time. At one point, my Sister In Law said to me - "you and X will be celebrating 30 years next Feb won't you ?? I thought to myself - "Fuck. That's right. It will be 30 years. And then 40. I cannot cop another 10 years of my deal". - Anyway, that was a good one-liner that bloke came out with in your story. - - PS - my deal never made the 30. I was out in Oct 09. My Brother and Missus will be coming up 48 years in March 2018. I never really cared to ask before how this couple's marriage was until last weekend. How do couples last for so long. I don't think it is because they have it any easier than we do here. I think they chose to be together. I notice that she is the more vocal of the two and he is more passive. I don't get the feeling they regret their decision. They were at the party with their daughter and SIL, and the grandson (the college student) was there too. The SIL had to clarify that 'staying away from her' meant that we should have hobbies to spend our time. He and wife are probably married ~25yrs and I would guess LIASM. It is very likely your brother and wife will stay married since their marriage is solid. It seems solid can be achieved in various ways. I don't think I can nor would I want to 'stay away from my spouse' for a lifetime though. I guess that makes my marriage fluid for now. |
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 7, 2016 2:20:32 GMT -5
I have no idea how these other couples can live together for so long but in utter misery. Perhaps it is better than being alone?
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 7, 2016 10:51:07 GMT -5
I have no idea how these other couples can live together for so long but in utter misery. Perhaps it is better than being alone? To quote an obscure movie that I love (Buying the Cow - early Ryan Reynolds), "The worst thing you can do is marry the wrong girl out of a fear of being alone." |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jul 7, 2016 10:57:25 GMT -5
My parents just celebrated their 50th this weekend. They have had their ups and downs, but through it all there has been laughter and a genuine love on all levels between them. I can only hope to find that kind of connection in the future.
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Post by iceman on Jul 7, 2016 12:53:54 GMT -5
I have no idea how these other couples can live together for so long but in utter misery. Perhaps it is better than being alone? To quote an obscure movie that I love (Buying the Cow - early Ryan Reynolds), "The worst thing you can do is marry the wrong girl out of a fear of being alone." That's my wife. She wants to stay married for companionship. She comes by it from the example of her parents. She admits they weren't happy but the fact they stuck it out somehow until death they did part is good to her. Guess it was more typical of their generation. To my wife it didn't matter that her parents weren't happy, staying together is all that matters. I've told her on more than one occasion that I'm not her parents and I won't be staying forever if things don't improve. |
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Post by adventura on Jul 7, 2016 13:01:52 GMT -5
My parents are elderly and have been married 60 years. Although their roles wouldn't work for me and seem unhealthy to this post-feminist era female (Dad makes all the decisions; Mom doesn't even do any covert maneuvering), I find it inspiring that they're still in love and physically affectionate. I'm pretty sure this is a major reason that a SM or SR isn't acceptable to me.
I've never been married, so to me it seems really hard, but maybe it's not so hard if you actually do it. I did live with someone (and it was NOT a SR) and I liked it until other aspects of the relationship went south.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 7, 2016 13:14:47 GMT -5
To quote an obscure movie that I love (Buying the Cow - early Ryan Reynolds), "The worst thing you can do is marry the wrong girl out of a fear of being alone." That's my wife. She wants to stay married for companionship. She comes by it from the example of her parents. She admits they weren't happy but the fact they stuck it out somehow until death they did part is good to her. Guess it was more typical of their generation. To my wife it didn't matter that her parents weren't happy, staying together is all that matters. I've told her on more than one occasion that I'm not her parents and I won't be staying forever if things don't improve. That actually sounds a lot like my wife as well- I've felt for a while now like our marriage is mostly about companionship when it's convenient for her, and occasionally having me as a decoration on her arm at some functions, but that's about it. Her father died when she was 20, and I feel like she idealizes a lot of the relationship her parents had before then. Just from observation I've noticed that her family isn't particularly affectionate, which probably has to do with why she has so many problems with it now. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 7, 2016 13:46:05 GMT -5
That's my wife. She wants to stay married for companionship. She comes by it from the example of her parents. She admits they weren't happy but the fact they stuck it out somehow until death they did part is good to her. Guess it was more typical of their generation. To my wife it didn't matter that her parents weren't happy, staying together is all that matters. I've told her on more than one occasion that I'm not her parents and I won't be staying forever if things don't improve. That actually sounds a lot like my wife as well- I've felt for a while now like our marriage is mostly about companionship when it's convenient for her, and occasionally having me as a decoration on her arm at some functions, but that's about it. Her father died when she was 20, and I feel like she idealizes a lot of the relationship her parents had before then. Just from observation I've noticed that her family isn't particularly affectionate, which probably has to do with why she has so many problems with it now. You know the old saying" the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". I'll try to keep this positive as a learning experience for others. My father in law left his wife over nine years ago to live with us. The event happened at Christmas. The family backed him when my mother in law exploded on him and started blaming him for everything, and trying to bring up some episode from 25 yrs ago! It's well known throughout the family that " grandma" is a manipulative controlling, self centered, narcissist. The relatives all said to " grandpa" what took you so long!?" For me though, when I first met her mother, what should have been " wrighting on the wall, as clear as day" was shrugged off as, my wife telling me ," I will never be like her! If I start to act like that I want you to call me out on it!". Sounds pretty good. We all learn through mistakes, trial and error, rough times, bad experiences, all things to make us strong. What has been and continues to be discovered is that the same character traits are there, only better hidden, better disguised, better manipulated, and more subtle. With all the same affects. only I have my wife controlling her father, and the triangle affect in our marriage. Where an intruder takes dominance over the marriage giving the controller the influence,and an entirely different set of circumstances to use for their needs. all under the name of " family love". I over heard my wife telling her daddy, " oh, your not going anywhere for the next ten years!" Never a word to me about these things, or discussion with the other six members of the family. That's were the divorce settles that. He can live with her. And I can live separate. That breaks the triangle. The kids can alternate every week. I've been given no other choice. |
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Post by 3000more on Jul 7, 2016 14:02:05 GMT -5
Geez, this brought back a memory for me Brother lwoetin. - Back in March 09 I attended my Brothers 40th wedding anniversary. I attended solo (as me and my missus had had a disagreement and I drove up country by myself), but I thought a gutful of free grog at the function would be a nice diversion. As far as I am aware, the marriage has been solid those 40 years, it sure looks that way. Anyway, I got hammered and had a great time. At one point, my Sister In Law said to me - "you and X will be celebrating 30 years next Feb won't you ?? I thought to myself - "Fuck. That's right. It will be 30 years. And then 40. I cannot cop another 10 years of my deal". - Anyway, that was a good one-liner that bloke came out with in your story. - - PS - my deal never made the 30. I was out in Oct 09. My Brother and Missus will be coming up 48 years in March 2018. I never really cared to ask before how this couple's marriage was until last weekend. How do couples last for so long. I don't think it is because they have it any easier than we do here. I think they chose to be together. I notice that she is the more vocal of the two and he is more passive. I don't get the feeling they regret their decision. They were at the party with their daughter and SIL, and the grandson (the college student) was there too. The SIL had to clarify that 'staying away from her' meant that we should have hobbies to spend our time. He and wife are probably married ~25yrs and I would guess LIASM. It is very likely your brother and wife will stay married since their marriage is solid. It seems solid can be achieved in various ways. I don't think I can nor would I want to 'stay away from my spouse' for a lifetime though. I guess that makes my marriage fluid for now. That's why he works out in the middle of the night. |
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Post by Pinkberry on Jul 15, 2016 22:43:04 GMT -5
Talk to your priest. Annulment is still possible. If one spouse has broken the marriage vows, and means of repairing the marriage have failed, annulment is possible no matter how long you've been married.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2016 14:57:57 GMT -5
Talk to your priest. Annulment is still possible. If one spouse has broken the marriage vows, and means of repairing the marriage have failed, annulment is possible no matter how long you've been married. Doesn't annulment mean the marriage was never valid in the first place? |
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