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Post by Isabellas39 on Apr 16, 2016 9:20:37 GMT -5
I have to say I get a little tired of people who have left their marriages coming back to a sexless marriage forum and rubbing in our faces in the fact that they are now having sex. (this is something I hated the most about ILIASM) This does nothing to support those of us who are staying on in our marriages (the majority of sexless couples stay together) Everybody is different and your "advice" just makes those of us in long term sexless marriages feel worse in an already bad situation. I want to hear advice from people who are staying on and coping. This attitude drives me batty ! I'm sorry you feel that way, but you do not speak for me, or all who are in sm....The highlight of iliasm for me( someone in a sm) is reading stories from those that have left. Their stories are motivating, and gives me hope that choosing to leave will not result in everything collapsing around me. Would you prefer to hear people just cry over the fact they chose to stay? Would you take advice from people who are unfit if you wanted to get fit? How about get health advice from someone that's always sick instead of a doctor or someone living well? I for one encourage those who have left to stay, and provide a road map for people like me who are fearful of leaving.... Heck, I always learn something from their stories that truly help me in my journey. Thanks to all those that remain after leaving, and provide a light at the end of this miserable as shit tunnel ! |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 16, 2016 10:32:58 GMT -5
I have to say I get a little tired of people who have left their marriages coming back to a sexless marriage forum and rubbing in our faces in the fact that they are now having sex. (this is something I hated the most about ILIASM) This does nothing to support those of us who are staying on in our marriages (the majority of sexless couples stay together) Everybody is different and your "advice" just makes those of us in long term sexless marriages feel worse in an already bad situation. I want to hear advice from people who are staying on and coping. This attitude drives me batty ! I'm sorry you feel that way, but you do not speak for me, or all who are in sm....The highlight of iliasm for me( someone in a sm) is reading stories from those that have left. Their stories are motivating, and gives me hope that choosing to leave will not result in everything collapsing around me. Would you prefer to hear people just cry over the fact they chose to stay? Would you take advice from people who are unfit if you wanted to get fit? How about get health advice from someone that's always sick instead of a doctor or someone living well? I for one encourage those who have left to stay, and provide a road map for people like me who are fearful of leaving.... Heck, I always learn something from their stories that truly help me in my journey. Thanks to all those that remain after leaving, and provide a light at the end of this miserable as shit tunnel ! Well said!! Cyber Hug!! |
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mathdoll
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The light is getting brighter........
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 17, 2016 10:22:54 GMT -5
It also helps to know that sometimes when someone leaves and gets a sexually active relationship they take their problems with them. I left a SM and had great sex for over 2 years and am now back in a sexless 'relationship'. Still trying to sort my own problems out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 10:38:16 GMT -5
SM is a mind fuck! The effects of being rejected for years or decades leave one scarred and in need of support and this is the best support group. Nothing better! Saved my life! Why am I still here! For support in the next phase and more importantly to GIVE support! We refused are usually giving people. Refusers are usually takers and selfish. So in one word SUPPORT! That's why! But remember "why" doesn't matter! You said it. I don't know how it is for those having sex post sexless marriage, but I'm guessing that even in a new relationship there may well be obstacles to overcome because of that "mind f*ck. My own obstacle after 10-months post SM is even getting close to another person again, let alone have sex. Maybe this is temporary and maybe it's not, but I'm not worried about it anymore. It is what it is. I am how I am...because of the effects of 25-years of abuse and rejection. If I ever did start a relationship (or even date) I believe it would be problematic, and I would need support and encouragement, but until I'm able to trust again (if ever) I'm focused on other things. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 10:56:43 GMT -5
It's kind of like asking why there are support groups for divorced people when they are already divorced. The after effects are hard to deal with too...for some of us. No, it's like asking people why they are still hanging around a divorce support group after they have remarried. You chose the least important thing I said to quote me. The fact is that someone who leaves a SM is still in need of support. You don't leave and everything is fine. Even those who have sex maybe having casual sex, and that may be doing more harm than good. It's not just about sex, ones whole identity has been messed up. There is much healing to do. However, I do get where you are coming from. I personally find it difficult to read or watch anything romantic because I find it touches a deep well of pain within me. I think this is happening with you. Being in a SM is incredibly painful in more ways than one, and to see others having what we don't have (and want/need) can touch that pain in a way that it feels like it's being rubbed in our face. It's not really, it's just that we are hypersensitive to this subject, and understandably so. We are all (or have been) hurt by this experience. I support your right to express how you feel, just know that no one is here (or so I believe) to rub anything in anyone's face. Also remember this is the Post Sexless Marriage thread. It's for those who are post sexless marriage regardless if they are having sex or not. If it upsets you, then don't read it. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 12:31:15 GMT -5
I have to say I get a little tired of people who have left their marriages coming back to a sexless marriage forum and rubbing in our faces in the fact that they are now having sex. (this is something I hated the most about ILIASM) This does nothing to support those of us who are staying on in our marriages (the majority of sexless couples stay together) Everybody is different and your "advice" just makes those of us in long term sexless marriages feel worse in an already bad situation. I want to hear advice from people who are staying on and coping. The people who stay on don't cope. They survive. And many of them reach a point where they don't feel like they can take it anymore and want to at least explore the option of leaving. |
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 18, 2016 14:51:36 GMT -5
I stayed on for 15 years - it was endurance, not coping.
And here I am over 2 years later still dealing having been mindf***ed for most of my life.
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Post by smilin61 on Apr 22, 2016 11:47:33 GMT -5
Hi fiery, taking your question at face value- why am I still on ILIASM...
This group was a life saver for me when I found it years ago. It literally changed who I am. I've never seen a group of folks anywhere else who is able and willing to offer empathy, advice and unwavering support. I've made friends, learned so much and gained strength from these wonderful, insightful, kind, intelligent, and compassionate people.
Even when there are times that I. Just. Can't.
I find myself drawn back to the warmth and comfort here. Irregardless of my marital situation, this forum and the amazing folks here will always be a place I am happy to be a part of.
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Post by itsmytime2be on Apr 22, 2016 14:51:02 GMT -5
We are here to talk to friends. To give back to others, and hopefully, give them hope! Without reading the posts of those that had made it to "Oppositeland", I never would have had the hope that I needed to leave my SM. I had to have hope that, I too, could do it, and be happy. Seeing the other side, guides me through the rest of my journey. There are those of us that are farther along than others, and we look to them for guidance along our paths. As we hope to do for others that may be a bit farther behind! Instead of asking why we are still here, take the opportunity to learn from everyone that is here. No matter what part of the journey they're on.
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Post by tinymouse on Apr 22, 2016 22:38:23 GMT -5
I told a coworker today that I was going to therapy on Monday to finally deal with what I went through... 7 years has passed. I tried to explain to her what a mindfuck sexless marriage is. And there was truly no explaining it so she could really understand. This is why we stay. Because it's nice and helpful to be around those who truly understand
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2016 23:56:07 GMT -5
I told a coworker today that I was going to therapy on Monday to finally deal with what I went through... 7 years has passed. I tried to explain to her what a mindfuck sexless marriage is. And there was truly no explaining it so she could really understand. This is why we stay. Because it's nice and helpful to be around those who truly understand This! I tried to talk about it with two close female friends. Since neither of them had dealt with a refusing husband, I might as well have been speaking Chinese. This is one problem that nobody understands unless it has happened to them. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2016 16:54:11 GMT -5
I have to say I get a little tired of people who have left their marriages coming back to a sexless marriage forum and rubbing in our faces in the fact that they are now having sex. (this is something I hated the most about ILIASM) This does nothing to support those of us who are staying on in our marriages (the majority of sexless couples stay together) Everybody is different and your "advice" just makes those of us in long term sexless marriages feel worse in an already bad situation. I want to hear advice from people who are staying on and coping. Hi Jason, former BeenSoLong? I might not remember a name, but I surely remember your face, your avi that is. Anyway, here I hope to change your perspective. I left my marriage and I'm currently not in any relationship. Last time I was intimate with the one I was seeing at the time was last November. It was indeed unforgettable. *sigh* The point of those who stay is neither to brag nor to complain. It's for us a way to reflect upon such a dramatic change in our lives. Instead, what you really want to see is apparently not reality as beautiful and ugly that it can be, but a genetically modified version of it, where you want to weed out the opinion of those who chose to quit. Let me introduce you the solution to your perennial problem, the magical button: block! You may now proceed with blocking me, because all I will ever write in this forum, won't be music to your (deaf) ears. Peace, Jason.  Why do you always have to be mean to people? Here we go again, the unsympathetic, dis compassionate Neeia. Go ahead and block me too. I won't be able to stand your contempt for those who are hurting. You don't get that Jasoni's suffering is spilling over. I can't stand unkind people. And, you are smug. |
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Post by ModDharma on Apr 24, 2016 0:09:46 GMT -5
If hearing about people's lives after leaving a SM is painful to Jasonl (or anybody else, for that matter), he is free to ignore the section on Post SM, and read only the parts of the forum that he finds helpful. And he can make that decision for himself, without other people getting into it and commenting on each other's behavior.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 25, 2016 9:32:37 GMT -5
That... is the cool thing about this forum, as compared to EP. We have separate sections, and one can choose to focus or avoid accordingly!
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Post by itsjustus on Apr 25, 2016 12:05:13 GMT -5
Okay, I can't stand it. I've been wanting to point this out for a long time. This thread is in the "POST Sexless Marriage" category - is it really surprising that people who left their SM are having sex again? Isn't that a huge part of why they left their SM? Talking about your post SM life is the whole point of this category. Thank you!!!! My thought exactly! Dude! It's in the POST Sexless Marriage thread. Don't come here and read if it bothers you so much. |
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