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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 30, 2016 12:21:29 GMT -5
This is something I struggle with, daily! Let me start by saying, " i am not a materialistic person, neither is my wife" we are both penny pinchers. However investing in real estate, running a side business, and having a large family of nine means a lot of possessions!
It is such a huge anchor when I think about divorcing. Turning it all toppsy turvey ! All because "I" am not happy living in a loveless sexless marriage! ( there's way more to it than that) but that's what it feels like!
I have been told by attorneys, it will be divided, a mediator will help you. Then comes the warning, about the arguing over a patio set!
The fact that there are still so many teenagers, and the number of cars, furniture, beds, computers, refrigerators,etc... It all makes me think too much about how much house I will still need, what difference a year or two makes, when they turn 18, the fact that they won't be going anywhere, etc.... I guess I need to know if I'm one of the few who worry too much about all this stuff daily! ( I doubt my spouse thinks about it at all)
That I look around and think, so much stuff collected over the years, all too be disrupted, divided, relearned.
The other day I asked myself, " why is this any different than moving?" I told myself," at least with moving, I would handle all the boxing, the furniture, the remodeling, the arranging the cleaning, the finding of the other house." While my spouse would take care of all the logistics, insurance, address changes, school districts, doctors, taxes, etc.... " I'm going to need help in those areas.
I need to be told, " it's not so bad Great coastal, you can do it". People will support you, it's going to be better for everyone.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 30, 2016 14:18:18 GMT -5
It's not so bad greatcoastal, you can totally do this! Im just thinking ( be warned I get unusual ideas sometimes!) about how Nightmareish it would seem to have to find somewhere big enough for your big family. In the UK the split families I know are 2 or 3 kid families and both ex-spouses end up in similar sized houses to what the family home was, 3 bed suburb houses. The dads usually have the kids every other weekend and a week night for dinner or some sleep over then too. But that would be crazy expensive for you. I propose a bit of a switcharoo. The kids remain in the family home, and you and the wife get a modest but nice apartment nearby and you each switch homes to stay with the kids at whatever time schedules suit you both? I'm pondering the do-ability of that ??!? Hmmmmm. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 30, 2016 14:39:39 GMT -5
It's not so bad greatcoastal, you can totally do this! Im just thinking ( be warned I get unusual ideas sometimes!) about how Nightmareish it would seem to have to find somewhere big enough for your big family. In the UK the split families I know are 2 or 3 kid families and both ex-spouses end up in similar sized houses to what the family home was, 3 bed suburb houses. The dads usually have the kids every other weekend and a week night for dinner or some sleep over then too. But that would be crazy expensive for you. I propose a bit of a switcharoo. The kids remain in the family home, and you and the wife get a modest but nice apartment nearby and you each switch homes to stay with the kids at whatever time schedules suit you both? I'm pondering the do-ability of that ??!? Hmmmmm. That's a great idea. I think it's called bird nesting. It's ideal when you have young kids I guess or a lot of kids. To me I needed to have zero connection to my ex other than scheduling pick ups and drop offs with the ex. I'd be damned if I'd be washing his dirty dishes but the thought of him sleeping in a bed I just fucked in sounds like poetic justice. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 30, 2016 15:11:17 GMT -5
I love the twisted pleasure of that bballgirl lol:D I guess you'd have to REALLY trust each other the successfully pull that off. I can imagine it working for some though xx And also greatcoastal I'm a big bubbling pot of constant worry too. Sometimes it bubbles over a bit and I crack up for half a day! I also worry if I'm not aware of a worry! This means I'm worried I've forgotten to be worried about something. It's perpetual lol! And a hard habit to break! I'm good at not worrying when I'm in a yoga phase. I'm not in a yoga phase right now so worry is my default! Hope that clears up my stance on over worrying  |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 30, 2016 15:16:18 GMT -5
GC - I know a divorce seems overwhelming.
It's like the steps of a ladder one at a time.
Divorce is not an easy task and it takes work, hard work.
I did it and worked full time, juggled the kids activities, paid the bills, took care of the house, grocery shopped, cooked and worked on setting up my new life for myself.
As far as the furniture and all the stuff... It doesn't matter. I left without a bed for myself but with one for each child but somehow things have a way of working out.
All I'm saying is don't worry about things that are not important right now.
First you have to initiate the divorce process. The housing isn't the main issue. Heck you can live together indefinitely until the house actually sells.
The main thing is you will have it in writing how bank accounts and asserts will be divided and of course free to find a woman. Who gets the patio set really doesn't matter.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 30, 2016 15:49:41 GMT -5
GC - I know a divorce seems overwhelming. It's like the steps of a ladder one at a time. Divorce is not an easy task and it takes work, hard work. I did it and worked full time, juggled the kids activities, paid the bills, took care of the house, grocery shopped, cooked and worked on setting up my new life for myself. As far as the furniture and all the stuff... It doesn't matter. I left without a bed for myself but with one for each child but somehow things have a way of working out. All I'm saying is don't worry about things that are not important right now. First you have to initiate the divorce process. The housing isn't the main issue. Heck you can live together indefinitely until the house actually sells. The main thing is you will have it in writing how bank accounts and asserts will be divided and of course free to find a woman. Who gets the patio set really doesn't matter. Sometimes I think we could live together, we hardly communicate now, it wouldn't be much different. There's always the threat of her fabricating that I turned the least bit angry/violent. What I hope for is two separate homes where I finally have an opinion, control, authority, weather she agrees,or wants to avoid it or try to make me look totally wrong, would all be irrelevant . How do you resolve things like, family photos,and albums, book collections, etc... I am at a point where memorable stuff will mean little to me. I went through that with cleaning out my parents house when they passed away. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 30, 2016 15:59:19 GMT -5
You have to decide not to be attached to the "stuff" greatcoastal. No physical possession is worth a fight or a moment of lost sleep Agree with you bballgirl. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 30, 2016 17:31:14 GMT -5
I took all of the Christmas ornaments, sentimental things, photos I really wanted. Any picture he is in, his family is in and some others of the kids he got.
Pots and pans we were in the kitchen and we chose one by one taking turns.
I took one couch he got the other. I took the smaller dining set he kept the formal.
We had so much stuff, we actually threw a lot away. My ex helped me pack and go through things. He was angry the day I moved out but that was the grief.
We are now amicable for the kids sake and I'm happily living on my own.
I especially enjoy the times he has the kids so I can have some adult time for myself.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 30, 2016 19:46:55 GMT -5
I especially enjoy the times he has the kids so I can have some adult time for myself. In a twisted way, this is a benefit I see for divorcees with shared custody. Instead of life on cruise control, you get focused time with your kids when they're there, and you get to be a single adult when they're not. Same holds true for remarrying. You get some focused "us" time; even time for big vacations together. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 30, 2016 20:01:33 GMT -5
I especially enjoy the times he has the kids so I can have some adult time for myself. In a twisted way, this is a benefit I see for divorcees with shared custody. Instead of life on cruise control, you get focused time with your kids when they're there, and you get to be a single adult when they're not. Same holds true for remarrying. You get some focused "us" time; even time for big vacations together. I agree with you and even about the twisted part. It wasn't supposed to be this way but life happens and it really is a good example of when life hands you lemons make lemonade! |
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Post by baza on Jun 30, 2016 21:29:28 GMT -5
"If" you get out of your deal Brother GreatCoastal, you are going to see what sort of a job you and your missus have done in bringing the kids up to be self sufficient and responsible people.
You have a fair tribe of kids, and it would not be realistic to think that they are all going to come through a major upheaval in their lives brilliantly. Nor would it be realistic to expect that they will all curl up in the fetal position and be helpless.
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But if you and your missus have raised them well, and introduced them to the life law of choice and consequence, they'll go ok.
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(I could bore you shitless with a personal anecdote concerning how the kids went in my case - waaaaay better than I thought they would - I'll pm you that anecdote if you want)
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2016 21:47:16 GMT -5
bballgirl's right. You're definitely putting the cart before the horse greatcoastal. Stuff is just stuff. Unless you're worried about family heirlooms and/or antiques, it's just stuff. Start detatching from it now, and focusing on the important, personal and sentimental items that you cannot live without. As far as shared money and/or property? You've retained legal counsel, just for the purpose of weeding through dividing up those things equitably. First step will be filing the papers...
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2016 10:27:33 GMT -5
greatcoastal - I did the same thing about worrying about how we would divide furniture, pictures, etc, etc. For me, it was mostly something to worry about that I could actually solve. Dividing possessions was mostly a matter of being organized and that was WAY easier to focus on than all the truly hard things about my divorce ( for example, trying to get a fair settlement put together). In the end, dividing our possessions was far and away the easiest part of the divorce so far. We literally did not argue over a single item. It was kind of weird really when you consider the amount of hell he is putting me through from a legal standpoint.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 3, 2016 12:02:29 GMT -5
greatcoastal - I did the same thing about worrying about how we would divide furniture, pictures, etc, etc. For me, it was mostly something to worry about that I could actually solve. Dividing possessions was mostly a matter of being organized and that was WAY easier to focus on than all the truly hard things about my divorce ( for example, trying to get a fair settlement put together). In the end, dividing our possessions was far and away the easiest part of the divorce so far. We literally did not argue over a single item. It was kind of weird really when you consider the amount of hell he is putting me through from a legal standpoint. Maybe that's just the kind of thing I need to hear to help me press forward! Thanks all of you! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2016 2:27:55 GMT -5
You're more likely to fight over custody and post separation support. "Who gets the couch" is going to be the least of your worries.
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