All That Glitters

This classic was posted by a deleted account in April, 2008 

All That Glitters...
I have read many of the stories here, and many seem to run along a typical theme. I am going to add my thoughts to those who are living in a sexless marriage, as I am, but who also speak of love and friendship with their partners -- who say they have a wonderful, warm marriage, indeed -- except for that little thing called "no sex."

I have some news for you. I think you should re-examine just how sweet and loving your partners really are...

I don't know too many people who would classify as "caring" or "warm" or "sweet" or "good" those actions that do real harm to another, except those who are desperate to find some "silver lining" to a sad situation.

Denying your partner sex is not a sweet and friendly thing to do.
Knowing a partner is miserable because of no sexual expression, and not doing anything to alleviate this, is not sweet.
Friends don't do malicious secretive passive things to their friends, and then put on an air of innocence about it..."Oh, my total lack of caring for your frustration and misery...my refusal to ever broach the subject or to stir myself to DO ANYTHING about it...oh, that upsets you? I had no idea! And now I will do *nothing* to change this situation except possibly ignore it even more, or for a change of pace, blame you!"
B.S.!!!

I've been where most of you are.

I tried to see things differently.
I tried to "do without" and do it with grace.
I tried to change myself in the hope of enticing my partner.
I tried to change my innermost feelings from sad and angry to something "positive."
I tried to tell myself that it was my fault.
I tried to tell myself it didn't matter, really, when one is with such a warm and loving partner (except for the bit about NO SEX).
I tried hobbies. I can weave, knit, crochet, brew beer, frame a house, build a wagon, hand-tame wild birds, grow giant pumpkins, make rope, cast pewter figurines, win at darts, and much much more. Blah.
I ran long distances, physically and mentally, to try to run off my desires and energies.
I told myself I was bad and evil.
I told myself I was pathetic to be 35...40...45...49 and still wanting to have sex.
I said so many rosaries that even the Pope asked me to stop.
And then...

I begged...
I screamed...
I broke my hand by slamming it against MY OWN HEAD, duh.
I wrote reams of letters about it...
I cried...until I was sick...many times...
I threw myself on the floor and knocked my head against it and said I would do anything, anything he said if he'd just tell me what the reason was for his lack of interest...
I said I was sorry approximately 100,000 times for being "bad" and "being demanding and shallow..."
I said I was so sorry even more times for being such a bad person as to put "something as minor as sex" above his lovely warmth and goodness as a partner...
Is anyone getting the picture?

Those who ignore your anguish, who place the blame on you, or who let you place blame on yourself, those who do nothing to stop this misery of your heart, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND, they are NOT loving people. So, to add to your problems, you're either living with a really passively mean person or a psycho.

Would YOU stay in a marriage where BECAUSE OF YOUR BEHAVIOR your partner was desperate and sad and in anguish?

Would you sit back and let YOUR partner be in such misery about something YOU did or didn't do?

No, you wouldn't.

You know, those who are drug abusers, alcohol abusers -- they don't care about what they are doing to their husbands or wives -- they don't see it, they don't accept it -- if you tell them they are hurting you, they don't buy it -- their abuse is "not the cause" of any terrible consequences -- there is NO getting through to them -- but no one, not one therapist in the world, no matter HOW lousy (and most are REALLY f-ing lousy), would tell the drug abuser that the abuse is "okay" or that the harm done is negligible --

but--

You will find PLENTY of sexless partners and "therapists" who will indeed tell their desperate partners that -- that the sex doesn't matter and that the refusal to be a true husband or wife does no harm. They will place the blame SQUARELY on your already aching shoulders, my friends --right where you've most probably placed it at times yourself, you poor things -- me too -- BUT DON'T LET THEM.

I have no grand final remarks, other than to say:

It truly sucketh...
Your partner is not acting right...
It is not your fault. It isn't because you DID or DIDN'T do something that he/she is withholding sex from you...
It won't get better...
Get out now, or you'll be like me, endlessly hunting on the internet and in magazines for someone who found a way out without really getting out...
It will fester in your soul, no matter how long it goes on, as long as you are with the person who has hurt you this way...
There are those out there who DO have natural views about sex and who DO like it for what it is, not as some weird control thing or "dirty" thing, and maybe a miracle will happen and you'll meet them somehow, someday...in the meantime, comfort yourself with at least THEY would like to have sex with you...!!!!
You are not along...as if that is any help...
And now I'm off to run my 3 miles!!! And then I have a great new hobby to start!