Poll Results.

I am fortunate to share with someone today her first step in being fully in the Actively In The Process Of Leaving category. I say "fully", because the hardest part, the most difficult part that she faced, I faced, and anyone here faces, is the actual decision to leave, and to tell the SO that that decision....is final. 

With that, there can be a huge flood of relief. The secrets out. The thoughts of leaving are out in the open. The decisions finally....finally...been made, and done, out loud.  Maybe you've said it before. Maybe you've talked about it before. But all your thoughts about it, the millions of thoughts and words that bounced around only in your mind about this moment, have been released. Sadness? Sure. Guilt? Probably. But...it's done. And she had already done that.

But what happens from there, from that moment on, can be....no....IS...scary. Making it real. All the things that HAVE TO HAPPEN!! Ton's and ton's of things! Literally thousands of decisions to be made, big and small. All the things you know you have to do. All the things you know you have to decide. Who moves? What happens to the house? How is the financial split going to happen? Where to move too? A new job? What new job? Where? How will you afford to live while you do all of this? Who gets the dog, the cat? What happens to the china that Aunt Millie gave you both as a wedding gift? OMG...LOOK!! You both LOVE that throw rug that you bought together. Who gets that?? And even then, with the life experiences you have, you know for a fact that with something this big, there are things you don't even KNOW you have to do or decide yet. Don't even start with what you're going to do about relationships in the future!!!! DATING?!?! OMG!!! NOOOOO!!!!

IT'S ALL FREAKIN SCARY!!!! Some people can power thru that. Things as they are at the moment are so horrible, immediate escape is the only option, the only thought. But for some, most I'd say, me included, it's overwhelming.

And it's very easy to get stuck. Stuck in a cycle of thinking of all of it at once, letting it become a tornado of thoughts that spin your head, until you do the most natural, human thing. You stop thinking about it. It's just too much to handle. Where you're at now is so much easier to deal with, mentally and emotionally. The STBX ("Soon"?) has already been told. More than likely, you're now Official Housemates. You have your room.....he/she has theirs. You have your stuff....he/she has theirs. Maybe even the finances are now split (I hope so!!!) and you're leading essentially separate lives, but under the same safe, familiar, protective, umbrella/roof. It's not pleasant. It's no picnic. But because of your human nature, AND your STBX's human nature, it can soon become the status quo. The 800# gorilla of the SM now becomes the 1000# gorilla of leaving. It's just not discussed.

Two things can happen. You effectively put the rest of your life on hold. You're "leaving" (someday) because you had too, but when is that someday going to start? When are you going to have color back in your life, starting with pastels when you start that new life, to full color once you find that you HAVE a new life, to hopefully full techni-color if you find someone to share that new life with!! But....it remains a "someday". The other thing that I've seen happen is the STBX can settle into this new dynamic, certainly not happy at first, but they can grow used to it, receive a certain level of emotional sustenance from it, and worse....grow with the false hope that someday, probably any day now, it will change back, it will get better...you will get this crazy notion out of your head and come back into the relationship. We already know, just by being here on ILIASM, that their emotional needs for love and affection, intimacy and even sex, is very low. Just how low can it go is now an active part of your life. You're resolute, but they are going to need constant reminding of that, or they are going to happily or unhappily settle in to this new dynamic. And that's not fair, for either person.

So....what's the answer? What kicks starts the "Making It Real" process. The answer is age old. We all know it, it's an adage you see on posters all over. It's the answer that friends tell you all the time. It's the answer that even a counselor can vaguely give, with high sounding words and encouragement. Just do it! Well....thanks a f**king LOT! That was helpful!! (pure sarcasm). Did I really need a Nike ad to tell me that???

No, that's not the real answer. For me, the real answer was, what is the VERY NEXT THING THAT CAN BE DONE. Not even necessarily NEEDS to be done. CAN be done. Is it screwing up the nerve to finally call a lawyer to schedule an appointment (Even though Baz told us all to do it long ago! LOL. Don't worry, I didn't either....) Maybe it's finally Googling apartments or houses. Hell...maybe it's even grabbing Aunt Millie's china and taking it over to a trusted relative's house for safe keeping! Wrap it up in that favorite throw rug! Whatever.... Whatever it is for you, and this is the important part.....it's a step. A concrete step! A real action step that proves to YOU, that this is real, that this is going to happen, that you are finally on the path to a new life, a better life, a life where even if you're physically alone, you aren't stuck in a place with someone who should never have made you feel alone while they were right there having vowed to never let that happen. REVEL IN IT!! Be Happy about it!

Ant that's the point....that's what makes it all worth it to take that first step, that (yes, I'm going to say it) baby step. This is a good thing. A GREAT thing!! This is YOUR thing. Finally.

Then grab the cat/dog and cuddle, while you think of the next, and only next, step.

Time to look at what the end goal is....and what THE VERY NEXT MINUTUE STEP IS. DO SOMETHING....ANYTHING.