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Post by nyartgal on Jun 28, 2016 17:44:58 GMT -5
Honestly, it sounds like a pressure cooker for both of you. Have you had any dialogue with him? This could be a good candidate for couples therapy. I can imagine that he must be stressed and overwhelmed too. The good news is that if he is as unhappy as you are he should be amply motivated to do something to change it. The problem that a lot of people here have is that their spouses are fine with the marriage.
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Post by litnerd on Jun 28, 2016 18:12:24 GMT -5
Honestly, it sounds like a pressure cooker for both of you. Have you had any dialogue with him? This could be a good candidate for couples therapy. I can imagine that he must be stressed and overwhelmed too. The good news is that if he is as unhappy as you are he should be amply motivated to do something to change it. The problem that a lot of people here have is that their spouses are fine with the marriage. We've talked a very little bit. I haven't brought up the porn yet because I just found out a few days ago, but I'm hoping to find some time to talk soon. He works nights, so we don't usually get much time together while the kids are asleep...which is the only chance we have for talking about things. |
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Post by baza on Jun 28, 2016 19:37:18 GMT -5
As a responsible spouse and parent, if there was some major event looming in your future that was likely to upset the applecart, and you could prepare for it and thus mitigate the damage, I'd imagine that you would do it.
You would prepare as best you can.
If you lived in a fire prone area, you'd be raking fuel away from the house, clearing your perimeter, checking your hoses, making sure your insurance policy was up to date, and that you had an evacuation plan in place.
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Sister litnerd. There is a big fire heading your way.
In fact the floating embers from the fire front are already starting to land on your property. The beginnings of fire are starting to smoulder, but you still have a little bit of time.
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Suggestion -
See a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you, get an exit strategy together and knock it in to do-able shape, shore up your support network, and research everything you can find about helping kids transition through such a scenario.
Get prepared.
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The fire might yet veer off and bypass you, maybe, perhaps, but the conditions you describe do not suggest this.
Rather, what you describe looks like every other story in here. The airborne embers are settling on your property, and the main fire front is roaring toward you, just over the horizon.
In your best longer term interests, and in your kids longer term best interests, get prepared.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 28, 2016 21:25:30 GMT -5
If he's wacking it to porn, he still has a sex drive. He's lying to you about not having a libido. Litnerd - Ditto Angryspartan's comments above. That's the first thing I was thinking as I was reading through your story... was waiting for the bombshell about porn. Bingo. There is usually a reason for sex falling off quickly. I've been reading stories like this for 5 years. The low libido thing... he was covering for something else. I'd also bet that porn is a symptom of some other underlying issues you two need to work through. Get a marriage counselor involved if you want to give a shot at saving your marriage. Ditto the comment about sexless marriage (SM) being a marriage cancer... That's the conclusion I came to years ago and I've been telling people that for years too. If you want any chance at saving your marriage, you've got to treat it as aggressively as actual cancer. TL2 |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 28, 2016 21:29:03 GMT -5
Honestly, it sounds like a pressure cooker for both of you. *** We've talked a very little bit. I haven't brought up the porn yet because I just found out a few days ago, but I'm hoping to find some time to talk soon. He works nights, so we don't usually get much time together while the kids are asleep...which is the only chance we have for talking about things. He works nights... and you rarely get to spend time together at night?! Does he work with any females? It's not what you want to hear, but I'm just trying to help peel back the layers of the onion to help you think about and get to the truth. He obviously wasn't being truthful about the libido thing... It was really porn. TL2 |
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Post by Dan on Jun 29, 2016 8:07:57 GMT -5
I'm not even sure I'm in the right place, but I've been lurking for a few days, and so many of the stories and sentiments here could have been written by me. that From reading your story, I assure you this is the right place for you! I agree with much that has been said to you so far. Let me add just a few things: First: take care of YOU physically and mentally. Make sure you are doing EVERYTHING your doctor says you should be doing to keep your physical health up during your pregnancy. And also (I don't recall if you mentioned it) PLEASE consider starting to see a talk therapist (LCSW, MSW, or psychologist) for individual counseling. With her (or him), consider if you also need to see a psychiatrist to consider if any meds are indicated (although I realize during pregnancy might not be a good time to start). Second: I suggest you DON'T try to directly address his porn usage yet (with him). It doesn't like you have a good enough communications channel with him. Nor -- from what I've heard -- am I even sure he WANTS to do things that are in your best interest. I think you need to establish -- from him with his words -- where you stand on all that. IF you find that he has some shred of respect for you and wants to try to fix things, then you can perhaps put his porn use on the table. If he doesn't have that respect for you... why bother? It sounds like you'd be addressing a skinned knee on a patient who is experience severe blood loss... Third: You mention you've been withholding self-gratification... but to what end? Sexual release come with SO MANY physical health and mental health benefits. You withholding is NOT making your H more attracted to you, is NOT making you a better mom, or anything positive that I can see. Even if it makes your desire (for more releases) stronger, I don't even see the downside of that... as you can just arrange to have more, right? |
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Post by litnerd on Jun 29, 2016 11:10:38 GMT -5
We've talked a very little bit. I haven't brought up the porn yet because I just found out a few days ago, but I'm hoping to find some time to talk soon. He works nights, so we don't usually get much time together while the kids are asleep...which is the only chance we have for talking about things. He works nights... and you rarely get to spend time together at night?! Does he work with any females? It's not what you want to hear, but I'm just trying to help peel back the layers of the onion to help you think about and get to the truth. He obviously wasn't being truthful about the libido thing... It was really porn. TL2 He does work with females. He's in law enforcement, and there's a HUGE population of people who have or are currently cheating with coworkers. I haven't found any indication that he's cheating. I still know it's possible, but there's not much I can do without some indication that there's someone else. |
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Post by litnerd on Jun 29, 2016 11:26:32 GMT -5
I'm not even sure I'm in the right place, but I've been lurking for a few days, and so many of the stories and sentiments here could have been written by me. that From reading your story, I assure you this is the right place for you! I agree with much that has been said to you so far. Let me add just a few things: First: take care of YOU physically and mentally. Make sure you are doing EVERYTHING your doctor says you should be doing to keep your physical health up during your pregnancy. And also (I don't recall if you mentioned it) PLEASE consider starting to see a talk therapist (LCSW, MSW, or psychologist) for individual counseling. With her (or him), consider if you also need to see a psychiatrist to consider if any meds are indicated (although I realize during pregnancy might not be a good time to start). Second: I suggest you DON'T try to directly address his porn usage yet (with him). It doesn't like you have a good enough communications channel with him. Nor -- from what I've heard -- am I even sure he WANTS to do things that are in your best interest. I think you need to establish -- from him with his words -- where you stand on all that. IF you find that he has some shred of respect for you and wants to try to fix things, then you can perhaps put his porn use on the table. If he doesn't have that respect for you... why bother? It sounds like you'd be addressing a skinned knee on a patient who is experience severe blood loss... Third: You mention you've been withholding self-gratification... but to what end? Sexual release come with SO MANY physical health and mental health benefits. You withholding is NOT making your H more attracted to you, is NOT making you a better mom, or anything positive that I can see. Even if it makes your desire (for more releases) stronger, I don't even see the downside of that... as you can just arrange to have more, right? I do see a therapist right now. I only began seeing her recently, and our focus has been on my mental health issues and childhood trauma, so we haven't actually addressed my marriage beyond working on my communication skills. Because of the dynamic of my household when I was growing up, I avoid confrontation like it's my job, even when I need to be communicating. I've spent a lot of time talking to my SIL (H's sister) about their childhood and parents, and it seems like he grew up in the shadow of a pretty dysfunctional relationship, too. The huge difference is that he tends to view things very black and white, so there's no room for him to admit that his parents could have made bad decisions while still being good people. In any case, my therapist and I have started small with addressing things like the way he interacts with the kids, how he reacts to me when I ask him to do something or when I haven't done things he thinks of as my responsibility. We've also spent a lot of time talking about my need for self care. So you're right about our communication. My biggest issue is that I'll think of all of the things I want to say, exactly how I'll bring things up, and then we'll end up having such a good time together that I don't want to rock the boat (especially since we have very little time with him to begin with). I'm working on that. I've actually been thinking that I need to write everything out, because even if I bring things up, I get flustered when I'm emotional and I end up forgetting things. Especially if he gets defensive about anything. I toyed with the idea of writing him a letter because I express myself much better with the written word, but I have a deep conviction that this needs to be a conversation. As far as self pleasure, I stopped withholding when I found out he was masturbating almost every day. My reasoning initially was that I could calm my libido down so that I wasn't constantly desperate for sex, but when I found out that it wasn't actually his libido, all of that went out the window. My libido will naturally drop off to almost nothing for 6-8 months after I have this baby anyway, so I'm going to enjoy pregnancy orgasms while I can. |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 29, 2016 14:57:10 GMT -5
Litnerd - I'm going to mention something that seems kind of obvious, but it was something that didn't really sink in with me until my W and I went to counseling. You are your own person. Your spouse is their own person. Your marriage relationship is its own "thing" too... and you BOTH must feed it in order for it to be normal and healthy and survive. If only one person gives to the relationship / feeds the relationship, it will eventually die. You mention that you sometimes haven't brought up certain subjects with your H because you don't want to rock the boat. Well, you really need to do the opposite. You can't put off the difficult conversations forever. Those situations just get worse the longer you put things off. Often times you get the most growth after talking through and working through difficult situations. TL2  |
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Post by litnerd on Jun 29, 2016 15:39:32 GMT -5
Litnerd - I'm going to mention something that seems kind of obvious, but it was something that didn't really sink in with me until my W and I went to counseling. You are your own person. Your spouse is their own person. Your marriage relationship is its own "thing" too... and you BOTH must feed it in order for it to be normal and healthy and survive. If only one person gives to the relationship / feeds the relationship, it will eventually die. You mention that you sometimes haven't brought up certain subjects with your H because you don't want to rock the boat. Well, you really need to do the opposite. You can't put off the difficult conversations forever. Those situations just get worse the longer you put things off. Often times you get the most growth after talking through and working through difficult situations. TL2 This is exactly what I've been working on in therapy. And probably one of my biggest concerns. I've been spending a lot of time and effort working on myself, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage better, but I get really afraid that he won't want/do the same. I know that's not a legitimate excuse to leave things unsaid, which is why my therapist and I have been addressing my communication issues. |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 29, 2016 23:21:36 GMT -5
Litnerd - I'm going to mention something that seems kind of obvious, but it was something that didn't really sink in with me until my W and I went to counseling. You are your own person. Your spouse is their own person. Your marriage relationship is its own "thing" too... and you BOTH must feed it in order for it to be normal and healthy and survive. If only one person gives to the relationship / feeds the relationship, it will eventually die. You mention that you sometimes haven't brought up certain subjects with your H because you don't want to rock the boat. Well, you really need to do the opposite. You can't put off the difficult conversations forever. Those situations just get worse the longer you put things off. Often times you get the most growth after talking through and working through difficult situations. TL2 This is exactly what I've been working on in therapy. And probably one of my biggest concerns. I've been spending a lot of time and effort working on myself, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage better, but I get really afraid that he won't want/do the same. I know that's not a legitimate excuse to leave things unsaid, which is why my therapist and I have been addressing my communication issues. It's great that you're going to counseling / seeing a therapist, at a minimum. But what you really need - for the best chance at changing things more quickly - is for you both to go to couples counseling. He needs to make a sincere effort at making some changes too, otherwise it's not going to work / you're not going to get what you need. Tell him you need him - in order for your relationship to work - to either go to counseling or to agree to make some changes to make you happy (and you'll make some changes too). Marriages are the prime example of there having to be some give and take / compromise. Marriages work best when each spouse *gives* to the other (unselfishly) what that other person needs (not what *you* need, but what *they* need). Accept that you are different people and you will likely have some different needs. Going to couples counseling should have a much better chance at accelerating the process of reaching some resolution to your issues (rather than just you going). My example: We started going on a weekly basis, and for the first 2 weeks, our counselor saw each of us *separately* to better understand what was wrong from each of our perspectives and what we wanted / needed to change. After the first 2 weeks we started going to joint counseling sessions. After a total of 6 weeks my W / refuser finally saw the light and initiated sex with me for the first time since the early days of our 20 year marriage. Had we not gone to couples counseling, I honestly don't think my W would have changed and we would be divorced right now. There is something about an independent person saying things and challenging both of you on your thinking that can create change. Obviously there is no way you could *physically* force your H to go to counseling, but you could highly encourage it. You need to find out where you have some practical leverage. You need to stop and think about what your H is "getting" out of your marriage relationship... what he really wants or needs. Logically, if a person isn't "getting" enough out of a relationship that person will leave. So he must be getting *enough* where he is staying in the relationship right now. In my situation... How did I highly encourage my refuser / W to go to counseling? I realized that she was "happy enough" by kissing me and hugging me a few times throughout the day.. at morning, at night, and maybe one or two in between. That was her daily "fix" from me. That's what she needed. She didn't (at the time) need sex the way that I needed sex. So I told her in a calm voice one evening (when she was looking for a kiss/hug): "I will no longer kiss you, and I will no longer hug you, until we go to counseling." I didn't kiss her that night, and when I left for work the next morning, saying very few words and walking right out the door without the kiss/hug.. I could see her tears starting to build. I'm sure she cried for a bit when I drove away. And *that* is exactly what she needed to experience... a little bit of pain... a small fraction of the pain that I had been feeling for so many years. After a week or so of that (me refusing her kisses and hugs) we were each getting names of counselors and we were on our way to turning things around. You should really stop and think about your situation and see if you can pull off something similar. We both knew our relationship was in the crapper and we had tried for years to work out things ourselves but we never were successful. Our arguments were always the same and we never got things resolved. An independent counselor is what (primarily) did it. Other helpful things were taking off my wedding ring for a year, and showing her The Bed Song video by Amanda Palmer approximately a week after we started counseling. I also told her (before counseling) that I had told a few friends about our SM (friends that we both knew / were friends with)... so there was an implicit peer pressure kind of thing working too. Hope this gives you some more ideas / hope this helps. TL2 |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 30, 2016 2:31:15 GMT -5
I have heard it is quite common for people in law enforcement to end up in dysfunctional relationships. They have to deal with too much shit and then find it very hard to be intimate with other people. So they get their release from porn or exciting affairs where there is no demand for vulnerability or connection. Don't know if that rings any bells for you?
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Post by litnerd on Jun 30, 2016 11:55:27 GMT -5
I have heard it is quite common for people in law enforcement to end up in dysfunctional relationships. They have to deal with too much shit and then find it very hard to be intimate with other people. So they get their release from porn or exciting affairs where there is no demand for vulnerability or connection. Don't know if that rings any bells for you? It's definitely possible for him to have an affair. And he's definitely watching porn. He's also a very different person when he spends more than a couple days away from the job. He recently took close to 3 weeks off, and he was almost like a different person. He takes 5-6 weeks after I have a baby, and even with the added stress of a newborn, our relationship is usually at its best during those times. |
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