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Post by adventura on Jun 26, 2016 16:46:29 GMT -5
Some of you have seen my introduction thread. I'm not married so actually ILIASR (Relationship) but it's so dang sexless that I feel like I've earned the price of admission to this board. We don't live together, thank goodness, but we've been a couple for 12 years. My partner has so many issues. Trying to write or talk about them is like nailing jello to a tree. He was fired seven years ago and hasn't worked since, has possible early Alzheimer's (his dr. says it's cognitive impairment of some kind but no firm diagnosis yet), also a serious medical condition requiring a difficult surgery, repos, evictions, utility shutoffs, and much more. I'm planning to split this year but that's as far as I've gotten. Last month I "met someone" at a group meetup, which was bound to happen sooner or later. Nice guy, smart, great body, interested in the same things as me, lives less than an hour away. He seems interested but it's really early. The chemistry is there on my end. I'm not interested in outsourcing with this man - I cheer for those who outsource but I want this to start out up front and stay that way. What I really want is to be single and free to make friends with him, date him, and maybe fuck him. Unfortunately, that's not the truth of my situation - I am not single. We've been emailing back and forth a couple times a week and I'll be seeing him at another group meetup next month. WTF do I say if he asks for my phone number? - I could just keep my mouth shut, give it to him, and let the train ride.
- I could say, "I'm in the process of a difficult breakup and am not ready to date anyone but I'd love to hang out and be friends with you."
- I could say, "I can't go out with you now, but I'm attracted to you. How about if I get in touch later this year?"
I think I'm doing this all wrong. I haven't dated in years. I sucked at it, which was part of the reason I ended up with my current partner. If I never click another Match.com profile again in my life it will be too soon. I like bballgirl's advice in my intro thread - get partner transitioned over to platonic status ASAP. He's going to need a huge support network when I wiggle out of the nurse/purse role, and the sooner he starts putting it in place the better. He's very personable and has a lot of friends, most of whom I like. But if I can't get myself single in time for July 16, what do I tell New Guy? One last thing - I just gotta say how freaking wonderful it is to meet and feel attracted to a man who is attracted to me. It is like coming back from the dead. I didn't know how depressed I was until that little shimmer of attraction hit me and grew all weekend as we got to know each other. Even my face in the mirror looks different. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 26, 2016 17:07:59 GMT -5
Some of you have seen my introduction thread. I'm not married so actually ILIASR (Relationship) but it's so dang sexless that I feel like I've earned the price of admission to this board. We don't live together, thank goodness, but we've been a couple for 12 years. My partner has so many issues. Trying to write or talk about them is like nailing jello to a tree. He was fired seven years ago and hasn't worked since, has possible early Alzheimer's (his dr. says it's cognitive impairment of some kind but no firm diagnosis yet), also a serious medical condition requiring a difficult surgery, repos, evictions, utility shutoffs, and much more. I'm planning to split this year but that's as far as I've gotten. Last month I "met someone" at a group meetup, which was bound to happen sooner or later. Nice guy, smart, great body, interested in the same things as me, lives less than an hour away. He seems interested but it's really early. The chemistry is there on my end. I'm not interested in outsourcing with this man - I cheer for those who outsource but I want this to start out up front and stay that way. What I really want is to be single and free to make friends with him, date him, and maybe fuck him. Unfortunately, that's not the truth of my situation - I am not single. We've been emailing back and forth a couple times a week and I'll be seeing him at another group meetup next month. WTF do I say if he asks for my phone number? - I could just keep my mouth shut, give it to him, and let the train ride.
- I could say, "I'm in the process of a difficult breakup and am not ready to date anyone but I'd love to hang out and be friends with you."
- I could say, "I can't go out with you now, but I'm attracted to you. How about if I get in touch later this year?"
I think I'm doing this all wrong. I haven't dated in years. I sucked at it, which was part of the reason I ended up with my current partner. If I never click another Match.com profile again in my life it will be too soon. I like bballgirl's advice in my intro thread - get partner transitioned over to platonic status ASAP. He's going to need a huge support network when I wiggle out of the nurse/purse role, and the sooner he starts putting it in place the better. He's very personable and has a lot of friends, most of whom I like. But if I can't get myself single in time for July 16, what do I tell New Guy? One last thing - I just gotta say how freaking wonderful it is to meet and feel attracted to a man who is attracted to me. It is like coming back from the dead. I didn't know how depressed I was until that little shimmer of attraction hit me and grew all weekend as we got to know each other. Even my face in the mirror looks different. I'm excited for you. That feeling is immense  I say if he asks, be honest. You basically have a dependent platonic pal who takes everything and gives nothing. Take what life has to give before it passes you by. Don't feel so indebted to this man. You deserve a life. Please grab it and immediately commence the weaning process. Xxx |
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Post by adventura on Jun 26, 2016 17:10:17 GMT -5
XXX back at you, EternalOptimism. I don't know what will happen with New Guy, but I'll be damned if I'll let this opportunity slide by.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 26, 2016 17:12:02 GMT -5
We are still in June, you have plenty of time between now and July 16 to bring your current man up to speed with your "let's be friends plan" so that you are ready for this new man.
If he's not fucking you then you are only friends, time for him to be made aware of this reality.
Be a little selfish and go after the life that will make you happy.
If you don't do it nobody will for you.
Go after what you deserve.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 26, 2016 17:14:03 GMT -5
If he asks for your number give it to him.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 17:16:35 GMT -5
The feeling is thrilling and sometimes a little scary! Enjoy it! Just be honest adventura, and let the chips fall where they may. In the meantime, take time to decide what you want for YOURSELF. Ask yourself the difficult questions and be honest in your answers. Is this what you want for the next six months, year, five years, ten years? It's never too early to take stock of where you are and who is really in charge of the relationship. |
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Post by adventura on Jun 26, 2016 17:17:25 GMT -5
 You guys are making me cry (in a good way - I need a smiley with a tear).
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 18:15:01 GMT -5
I could just keep my mouth shut, give it to him, and let the train ride.
I could say, "I'm in the process of a difficult breakup and am not ready to date anyone but I'd love to hang out and be friends with you."
I could say, "I can't go out with you now, but I'm attracted to you. How about if I get in touch later this year?"
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I think it's only fair that he knows you're in a relationship and will not be outsourcing. That way, if you do give him your number he'll have a better idea of expectations. So I vote against A. C is almost secretive, which may make him think you have something to hide. So I vote against C.
You could flesh out the situation for him if you go with C. C also recognizes that you may not be single in a month despite your best efforts. But sometime "later this year" leaves him hanging which he may not be willing to do.
That leaves B, which makes good sense. It might chase him away if he's hoping for more than friends, but if if he is, you're just not after the same thing and you'd hit a brick wall eventually. So I vote for B.
The potential problem with B is how do you move from friends to lovers when you are free? Becoming physically intimate will fundamentally change your friendship. If you become intimate then break up, you've lost a friend. They write romcoms about that sort of thing.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 18:29:08 GMT -5
Becoming physically intimate will fundamentally change your friendship. If you become intimate then break up, you've lost a friend. They write romcoms about that sort of thing. Really? Which one? |
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Post by baza on Jun 26, 2016 19:12:46 GMT -5
It seems highly unlikely (given that you have been with this bloke for 12 years) that you are suddenly going to unload him by July 16th, which is only 19 days away.
So you are most assuredly NOT going to be 'single' by then.
You can take that fact to the bank.
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So this really all swings on how "anti outsourcing" you truly are.
If you are going to stick to your guns, then this one - "I could say, "I can't go out with you now, but I'm attracted to you. How about if I get in touch later this year?" - is probably the way to go.
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And then, start working your arse off to make the dumping of the present dud has happened by "later this year" so you are available for what might be on offer then.
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 26, 2016 19:14:08 GMT -5
Please don't take this as an attack, but after reading your introduction story and this one, I think you should consider really digging into the question of why you didn't feel like you deserved more than a guy with mental and physical issues, honesty issues, money issues, etc. That's A LOT OF ISSUES. Plus you say you love sex and you would like to be married to the right guy. I'm less concerned about guy #1 or guy #2 or you extricating yourself from this relationship than I am you will just wind up immediately with another reclamation project.
Usually when we wind up with people who have so many problems and then stay with them regardless of whether they try to fix them, it's more about us and our self-worth than anything else. Especially when you weren't even married, you don't have kids and you don't live together. There is almost nothing to keep you with him outside of personal
Motivations, so those must be pretty complex.
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Post by adventura on Jun 26, 2016 19:21:39 GMT -5
Thanks Baza - always on the money, you are.
nyartgal, my first counseling appointment in several years is tomorrow, so I'll definitely be asking those questions of myself. They're good ones - thank you.
But I'm also not interested in letting life pass me by because I have issues. We all have issues, but some of us manage to get properly laid anyway.
The first step is admitting I need to change this and letting that drive whatever comes afterward.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 26, 2016 19:23:34 GMT -5
Be selfish, but be up front with the new guy. Give him your number and let it go where it goes with you telling him you are getting out of the old long term relationship and will not date/cheat/screw until you are out of it. If he goes along with it - GREAT! If he doesn't, well, it there is one out there - there may be another one just around the corner!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 19:35:55 GMT -5
Becoming physically intimate will fundamentally change your friendship. If you become intimate then break up, you've lost a friend. They write romcoms about that sort of thing. Really? Which one? Rom cons are by definition funny so they usually have happy endings. "that sort of thing" is just the complications that can arise. They may turn out good or bad. Now I have to find a movie where it goes to hell LOL. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 19:57:19 GMT -5
Rom cons are by definition funny so they usually have happy endings. "that sort of thing" is just the complications that can arise. They may turn out good or bad. Now I have to find a movie where it goes to hell LOL. Yes, you do, Young Padawan. |
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You guys are making me cry (in a good way - I need a smiley with a tear).
