unkakris
Junior Member
Trying to Figure This Out
Posts: 86 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by unkakris on Jun 25, 2016 16:05:10 GMT -5
Recognize that attachment can include attachment to things like the dreams of a future in a relationship that no longer seem real or possible.
Recognize that it's okay to cry for that loss, even though it's the loss of a potential, or a dream.
Recognize that now is the challenging path that is part of life and Enlightenment but not in the transformative lightness of Satori.
Recognize that fear of the future pain of moving on to a different path from my partner is real yet not real.
Recognize that the pain Within is the conflict that is perceived between my sense of what is right and wrong, my sense of what is honourable and dishonourable, and where do my actions and intentions meet and where are they distant.
I continue the journey.
I continue seeking.
I continue questioning.
I continue.
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Post by ggold on Jun 26, 2016 11:00:53 GMT -5
unkakris. Thank you for posting. Much needed. <3
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 26, 2016 11:17:24 GMT -5
My insides all scrunched up reading that unkakris. That just hit me. Xx |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 26, 2016 11:20:26 GMT -5
I don't get attached to physical things.
But I hadn't considered being attached to a future hope.
I think that has been my problem.
He has kept me without so much from a financial perspective that to be attached to belongings was futile so I attached to a hope of what the future could be like.
And that hope is not ever going to be realised.
I need think this through. X
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 26, 2016 12:07:28 GMT -5
I don't get attached to physical things. But I hadn't considered being attached to a future hope. I think that has been my problem. He has kept me without so much from a financial perspective that to be attached to belongings was futile so I attached to a hope of what the future could be like. And that hope is not ever going to be realised. I need think this through. X Someone shined a light on that for me when they asked me to wright down what our plans together were for the next five years. Just a blank page, due to zero communication, and having so many of my thoughts diminished they are no longer mentioned. |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jun 26, 2016 13:26:56 GMT -5
The loss of hope for a future together was one of the biggest losses for me. That feeling when the marriage started of having that person with me through old age, the shared history that is now gone, the shared dreams of us as a couple. Losing that intrinsic piece of the marriage was more difficult than losing anything else. Now, my future is up to me and what I decide to do next. A little scary, a little exciting  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 26, 2016 14:18:49 GMT -5
The loss of hope for a future together was one of the biggest losses for me. That feeling when the marriage started of having that person with me through old age, the shared history that is now gone, the shared dreams of us as a couple. Losing that intrinsic piece of the marriage was more difficult than losing anything else. Now, my future is up to me and what I decide to do next. A little scary, a little exciting Amen to that sister!! Then add onto it twenty, thirty more years of expecting to live in a asexual relationship? Scary and exciting, all part of being free! |
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unkakris
Junior Member
Trying to Figure This Out
Posts: 86
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by unkakris on Jun 26, 2016 21:27:17 GMT -5
My insides all scrunched up reading that unkakris. That just hit me. Xx Trust me. My truth hurts too. Like a greasy, leaden lump in the gut. Where what I thought was a happy, glowing future together. |
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Post by baza on Jun 26, 2016 21:40:03 GMT -5
The very first story I put up on the old EP group back in Feb 2009 was titled - "Recognise Reality"
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The guts of it was to objectively take inventory of your situation and see it for what it is - not what "it could be", not what "it once was".
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What you might then do is another matter entirely, but you sure as shit are not going to do anything unless and until you have recognised the reality of your situation.
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Post by wanomad on Jun 26, 2016 23:51:54 GMT -5
What I find the most painfull is that the choice was taken from me, We have been married for 13 years now September 1st 2013 was the last time we were together as husband and wife, it was Fathers day about half way through something happened and she said to me oh hurry up im not feeling that amorous anyhow. So in my head I'm going oh its a "taking one for the team night" little did I realise that would be our last time. She had to go back to work for financial reasons and she blamed them all on me, so she started with holding affection , nakedness and sex as a punishment. Trying to talk about it is a quick change the subject, I know she still uses a vibrator so still has the urge and I've let her know very clearly I know and she has said its my body I'll do what I want. I know she hasnt cheated or at least I think I know , I just feel used . I never thought I would end up in a marriage of convenience.
the old saying actions speaks louder than words hits home all the more so now, birthdays and christmas etc I get a really nice card from her but sometimes I dont even feel like opening them because without the actions , hugging , kissing, holding hands the touch its all just worthless. We were never once a week people , once a month maybe in the beginning then after the kids and post natal depression then depression it became less and less, She eventually got off the anti depressants and lost a whole heap of weight which was caused by the drugs and things seemed happier for a while. I'd be happy with 4 times a year hell even on my birthday as ts the cheapest gift she could give me. For some reason the emotional cost is too high for her and I just dont understand it. I would walk on glass for her and she knows it if she was to be my wife again, Why do they risk the possibility of divorce for something so simple to fix. it does my head in sometimes thinking about it.
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Post by baza on Jun 27, 2016 1:36:49 GMT -5
This bit Brother wanomad, where you say - "Why do they risk the possibility of divorce for something so simple to fix. it does my head in sometimes thinking about it." -
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I think the facts are, that refusers - quite correctly - do not see the probability of the refused divorcing them as being a terribly likely event. After all, the refused has been copping it on the chin up until now, so why would that not continue ?
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The possibility of divorce can pretty much be ignored by a refuser - UNTIL such time as the refused has a do-able exit strategy in their pocket, and are prepared to enact it.
At that time, the threat is credible.
Up to that point, the threat is NOT credible.
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For example, have you seen a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you, do you have an exit strategy in do-able shape, do you have your support network shored up, do you have the appropriate knowledge to help your kids (if any) transition through such a process ? And, are you prepared to leave if need be ?
If you haven't got these things in your pocket, then it would be a bluff strategy were you to mention divorce and that's high risk stuff.
And, if your missus called that bluff, then you have shred your cred.
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You only get to play the divorce card once. And it is imperative that you follow it through if need be.
If you play the card continually, all you do is educate your spouse that you don't mean what you say.
PS
the "you" in the above is not directed at you personally Brother W
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 28, 2016 9:43:44 GMT -5
In my case, I was so angry and disgusted by the refuser's actions at the very end that those things just made me more angry. He stole them from me. He stole our family life from my children. He stole money from me. He stole my dog. He stole my dignity by lying to our neighbors. He stole the best years of my life. He stole the future we had planned. He quite literally stole our children from me. I developed a white hot rage for him.
On the other hand, I had a poor relationship with my mother. In the back of my mind, I always thought there would be some way for us to reconcile and have some type of relationship. Then she unexpectedly died at a relatively early age. When she passed, I grieved heavily for the loss of opportunity to ever have a real relationship with her. I grieved the grandmother that my children would never have.
So, while I get grieving what was lost, it's not universally true that one would. I didn't with my refuser. I was just angry. I think it is just as valid a response as grief.
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