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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 4, 2016 1:19:01 GMT -5
I am thinking that now I'm on this forum, I can write some experiences that I was never able to share on EP, but remind me...this is private and can't be seen if googled, right? I always have this fear that my ex will somehow find what I write and recognize himself. He is still paying me alimony for the next couple of years, and I don't want to mess that up. I just want some peace in my life, for a change, but back to my main point. As I thought about writing what happened last fall...I've been carrying that weight around with me since then...I started to tremble and drop things. The truth is, thinking about him, thinking about all that happened upsets me so much that I start to shake. It seems to be a reflex action. It's been suggested that I'm suffering from CPTSD...that's like PTSD for those who have been in abusive relationships. I think I have some thing that's for sure because I cannot function as I once did...previous to 5-years ago. Maybe I can write later and share those experiences to get them off my chest, so to speak. I am trying to heal from 25-years of abuse...alone...and I hope I can share here with people who are kind and non judgemental. I need a place I can trust, and let me be honest, some people in ILIASM on EP bashed me on EP on some of my posts. They kicked me when I was down. If I'm going to be kicked, I won't share. I've been "kicked" enough...figuratively speaking by my ex...and that's why I feel like a nervous wreck now. I want to feel safe here. I want to be lifted up not kicked. With EP closing, I feel more emotionally fragile than ever, so perhaps only those with kind words will comment on my posts. I have the exactly same concerns especially since my user name is the pet name my husband has for me. I am considering changing it. The abuse. I am a survivor of a violent marriage. I was married for four years before I escaped with my son and my life. I know what it is like to be physically, emotionally and psychologically abused. I think that that is how I ended up with my current husband. He is safe. It's also why I'm so afraid to leave. He may not want to make love to me, but I know he will never intentionally do anything to harm me. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 11:34:17 GMT -5
I am thinking that now I'm on this forum, I can write some experiences that I was never able to share on EP, but remind me...this is private and can't be seen if googled, right? I always have this fear that my ex will somehow find what I write and recognize himself. He is still paying me alimony for the next couple of years, and I don't want to mess that up. I just want some peace in my life, for a change, but back to my main point. As I thought about writing what happened last fall...I've been carrying that weight around with me since then...I started to tremble and drop things. The truth is, thinking about him, thinking about all that happened upsets me so much that I start to shake. It seems to be a reflex action. It's been suggested that I'm suffering from CPTSD...that's like PTSD for those who have been in abusive relationships. I think I have some thing that's for sure because I cannot function as I once did...previous to 5-years ago. Maybe I can write later and share those experiences to get them off my chest, so to speak. I am trying to heal from 25-years of abuse...alone...and I hope I can share here with people who are kind and non judgemental. I need a place I can trust, and let me be honest, some people in ILIASM on EP bashed me on EP on some of my posts. They kicked me when I was down. If I'm going to be kicked, I won't share. I've been "kicked" enough...figuratively speaking by my ex...and that's why I feel like a nervous wreck now. I want to feel safe here. I want to be lifted up not kicked. With EP closing, I feel more emotionally fragile than ever, so perhaps only those with kind words will comment on my posts. I have the exactly same concerns especially since my user name is the pet name my husband has for me. I am considering changing it. The abuse. I am a survivor of a violent marriage. I was married for four years before I escaped with my son and my life. I know what it is like to be physically, emotionally and psychologically abused. I think that that is how I ended up with my current husband. He is safe. It's also why I'm so afraid to leave. He may not want to make love to me, but I know he will never intentionally do anything to harm me. I understand this, Deedle. Who knows? You may have a fantastic life if you left him, but then you may not, it could be worse. No one really knows. Now, I'm out, I can say that had my ex been a kind and honest man with me, I probably would have been better staying, but he wasn't, so I'm better off out of it, though I didn't find love or intimacy, and never will. Life is hard in it and out of it, for some of us. |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 8, 2016 8:10:10 GMT -5
I have the exactly same concerns especially since my user name is the pet name my husband has for me. I am considering changing it. The abuse. I am a survivor of a violent marriage. I was married for four years before I escaped with my son and my life. I know what it is like to be physically, emotionally and psychologically abused. I think that that is how I ended up with my current husband. He is safe. It's also why I'm so afraid to leave. He may not want to make love to me, but I know he will never intentionally do anything to harm me. I understand this, Deedle. Who knows? You may have a fantastic life if you left him, but then you may not, it could be worse. No one really knows. Now, I'm out, I can say that had my ex been a kind and honest man with me, I probably would have been better staying, but he wasn't, so I'm better off out of it, though I didn't find love or intimacy, and never will. Life is hard in it and out of it, for some of us. Don't say "never will" The day is young and so are you! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 8:31:15 GMT -5
Never say never. Someone unexpectedly came into my life a year ago. He pursued me. We didn't share photos of ourselves. We took photos of everything around us but not of ourselves. I saw that he has good taste in his art and his home decor. I could see that he is clean and well organized. He has a beautiful garden. He likes cats. I liked his choice of automobile. By the time we did share photos, it didn't matter what he looked like, I was attracted to him, the force of his personality, He knew what he wanted and he played it well. I'm glad he did. I'm happy for you Deedle, but please take me at my word. I will never be with a man again. I know this. |
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