Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2016 8:27:09 GMT -5
I am thinking that now I'm on this forum, I can write some experiences that I was never able to share on EP, but remind me...this is private and can't be seen if googled, right? I always have this fear that my ex will somehow find what I write and recognize himself. He is still paying me alimony for the next couple of years, and I don't want to mess that up. I just want some peace in my life, for a change, but back to my main point.
As I thought about writing what happened last fall...I've been carrying that weight around with me since then...I started to tremble and drop things. The truth is, thinking about him, thinking about all that happened upsets me so much that I start to shake. It seems to be a reflex action. It's been suggested that I'm suffering from CPTSD...that's like PTSD for those who have been in abusive relationships. I think I have some thing that's for sure because I cannot function as I once did...previous to 5-years ago.
Maybe I can write later and share those experiences to get them off my chest, so to speak. I am trying to heal from 25-years of abuse...alone...and I hope I can share here with people who are kind and non judgemental. I need a place I can trust, and let me be honest, some people in ILIASM on EP bashed me on EP on some of my posts. They kicked me when I was down. If I'm going to be kicked, I won't share. I've been "kicked" enough...figuratively speaking by my ex...and that's why I feel like a nervous wreck now. I want to feel safe here. I want to be lifted up not kicked. With EP closing, I feel more emotionally fragile than ever, so perhaps only those with kind words will comment on my posts.
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Post by sand5280 on Apr 2, 2016 8:41:05 GMT -5
I am thinking that now I'm on this forum, I can write some experiences ...this is private and can't be seen if googled, right? I always have this fear that my ex will somehow find what I write and recognize himself. Wow, this is the exact same concern I have. I cannot come to terms with my situation alone, but quite reluctant to offer it to the world. But to the folks here who have listened with care so far, yes. If I were to share, more than likely I would get insight I have not seen myself. In my mind, it doesn't seem altogether fair to her, if she is not here to 'defend herself.' But I believe in the end solutions would be found. |
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TheBumble
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 2, 2016 8:56:58 GMT -5
We have to be able to share. I have stuff that has gone unsaid, and it bothers me, too. Things I'd like to reveal that may even inspire. I feel that the people who've come over are not going to kick you, carissimi. I think you should give it a try...... I'm going to as well. After all, I am going to need massive support from the people here after I leave my marriage any day now....strangers, basically.....but I trust this will be the place where I can get help to hold it together and stay strong.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 2, 2016 9:41:15 GMT -5
So far this site has felt much safer than EP. It seems all of us are here for a stated purpose and we want to be here to support each other. There were so many trolls and creeps over on EP that I would get nervous posting anything other than dry content. Heck, I wouldn't have even used the avatar I have now over there because of the creepers! I still get nervous posting things here, too. Will people think it is stupid? Is it helpful and supportive enough? I feel like part of my ability to write has been dampened by my SM, that I learned too well how to shut down myself, and it is buried so deep it can't come out, or I'm still nervous about expressing myself. I have no idea about the finding things if googled, but it is a public forum. I did end up deleting all my stories from EP, as I don't like the idea of them sitting there without me having access to them. If you feel we can help, I do hope you become comfortable enough to share, but only when and if you are ready. {{hugs}}
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2016 12:19:14 GMT -5
I tried to reply to each of you, but on my phone, it's difficult. I will later on my laptop, but for now thank you for understanding.
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TheBumble
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 2, 2016 17:33:05 GMT -5
I tried to reply to each of you, but on my phone, it's difficult. I will later on my laptop, but for now thank you for understanding. We're not going anywhere  |
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Post by Admin on Apr 2, 2016 18:47:11 GMT -5
I am thinking that now I'm on this forum, I can write some experiences that I was never able to share on EP, but remind me...this is private and can't be seen if googled, right? I always have this fear that my ex will somehow find what I write and recognize himself. He is still paying me alimony for the next couple of years, and I don't want to mess that up. I just want some peace in my life, for a change, but back to my main point. We have currently configured this site in a very similar way to EP: "non-members" CAN read posts. That includes seeing the poster's handle and avatar. That means any search engine COULD crawl the site, index it, and post links in to any of the posts. Want to know EXACTLY what someone can see? Click the "logout" link, then browse the site. They can pretty much SEE everything... they just can't post or interact. We could make certain changes (for example, creating additional "members only" boards), but each think we could do has pros and cons. I'll attempt to summarize some of these and post an "FAQ" on this subject in the Welcome board sometime. (When added, I'll update this post with a link to that new thread.) In short, the only way to protect your content from someone actively looking for you is to use a login name and avatar that will not be recognized by that someone actively for you. As an additional precaution, limit the details you post, or strategically change things like names and places. With any other specific comments, concerns, or questions, PM me. SEPARATELY: If it is your main concern, ask your lawyer under what conditions alimony could be contested/changed. I doubt that you having a "normal social life" or some "unflattering opinions about your ex" would have any bearing (in the eyes of the court). But what do I know? I run a website, not a law office... |
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Post by Dan on Apr 2, 2016 21:52:54 GMT -5
I feel like part of my ability to write has been dampened by my SM, that I learned too well how to shut down myself, and it is buried so deep it can't come out, or I'm still nervous about expressing myself. I really identify with this. Well, actually, having outlets like EP has "unblocked" my ability to write... but I still have some pretty weird "self editing" going on in my head about what I allow myself to want: what I want in my life from here on out. I can't quite tell what is "stopping me from wanting what I want". But I feel it -- somehow -- is still happening. Furthermore: I can't quite tell if that aspect of me contributed to my sexless marriage (because I wasn't clear enough about my want/desire/need for sex and intimacy?)... or if my sexless marriage lead to all that self-editing (because at some point, after asking so much, you just stop asking... and even "editing" those thoughts before they happen). |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 3, 2016 9:38:48 GMT -5
Dan, it is definitely an interesting question.
I think, for me, the self editing came as the sexless did, slowly, and both got shut down in the marriage. Lack of sex, try to talk about it, shut down, push away those feelings, push away other feelings, and the cycle went on until I felt dead inside. I look back and there were so many times I wanted to reach out to him, to try again, but I knew the answer would be "no," so I didn't. The last time we even tried he yelled at me in frustration in the middle of it, and that is still something that bothers me to this day, among other things. After that, I was done trying; who wants to be with someone who gets angry and frustrated during sex?
It has taken me almost three years to feel more back to normal, to find the "old" me. She is there, but with much more knowledge about what I want and need in a relationship. I still worry about things I say to others, and I even get nervous posting online, for fear of how what I say will be read. It is frustrating but I am getting better. Getting out was one of the best things I ever did, but there is so much residual crap, more than I expected. Getting better every day, and that is good enough for me. =)
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Post by Dan on Apr 3, 2016 16:34:33 GMT -5
... I still worry about things I say to others, and I even get nervous posting online, for fear of how what I say will be read. It is frustrating but I am getting better. ... This is so curious. I "get it"... but my experience is the opposite: posting on the Internet was a HUGE boost to my confidence. I allowed myself to be a much more authentic "me", especially when it came to frank talk about sex. Long before finding EP ILIASM, I was breaking out of my shell -- sexually -- because I could finally communicate with women about what I was really looking for (which happened when I was actively seeking a side-relationship). Along the way I honed my skills writing erotica... which was very fun to discover I had a penchant for. The whole process has made me realize that not all women are low libido like my wife... and that realization has set a series of realizations in to play which are finally making it possible to consider that it might be best for me to move on from this sexless marriage... |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 3, 2016 16:44:33 GMT -5
I am so glad you are finding a more authentic you online. I am not an extrovert by nature, and tend to be the listener in a conversation anyway. My quiet nature was very damaged by my marriage. I am getting better at expressing myself, both online and off; perhaps once I get more comfortable with this new ILIASM space I will feel a bit different. =)
It is very true that not all women are like your wife. I am discovering that not all men are uptight and rigid about sex as my husband was. We all have our own timelines for leaving. I personally tend to move in small steps in order to avoid getting overwhelmed, so it took me a while. Even though it took a little longer, I know I did everything in my power to try and save the marriage before I left.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2016 17:40:26 GMT -5
I feel like part of my ability to write has been dampened by my SM, that I learned too well how to shut down myself, and it is buried so deep it can't come out, or I'm still nervous about expressing myself. I really identify with this. Well, actually, having outlets like EP has "unblocked" my ability to write... but I still have some pretty weird "self editing" going on in my head about what I allow myself to want: what I want in my life from here on out. I can't quite tell what is "stopping me from wanting what I want". But I feel it -- somehow -- is still happening. Furthermore: I can't quite tell if that aspect of me contributed to my sexless marriage (because I wasn't clear enough about my want/desire/need for sex and intimacy?)... or if my sexless marriage lead to all that self-editing (because at some point, after asking so much, you just stop asking... and even "editing" those thoughts before they happen). Dan, you're allowed to want whatever you want! Is there an invisible parent inside your head, scolding you every time you have fun, or every time you think about what YOU want, versus what other people want? If so, it might be time to tell the parent inside your head to STFU. |
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Post by Dan on Apr 3, 2016 19:19:55 GMT -5
Dan, you're allowed to want whatever you want! Is there an invisible parent inside your head, scolding you every time you have fun, or every time you think about what YOU want, versus what other people want? If so, it might be time to tell the parent inside your head to STFU. I really need to hear that from some trusted friends. Thank you, Kat. You -- and others -- are encouraged to tell me that again from time to time! |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 3, 2016 19:39:16 GMT -5
Kat & Dan, I think we all need that reminder from time to time! =)
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TheBumble
Junior Member
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 3, 2016 19:46:12 GMT -5
Dan, you're allowed to want whatever you want! Is there an invisible parent inside your head, scolding you every time you have fun, or every time you think about what YOU want, versus what other people want? If so, it might be time to tell the parent inside your head to STFU. This is so true. I know I struggle with this. No idea why. I think it's part of the 'pleaser' personality type. |
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