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Post by DryCreek on Jun 25, 2016 18:38:49 GMT -5
One thing I've learned today is I have to forgive her for the refusals and hurt they caused. That's going to be hard, but I have to do it for my own health and sanity. That maybe the most difficult thing of all to do. This won't work unless we both absolve each other. There is a fine line between being forgiving and being a doormat - a HUGE part of that is her acknowledging her behavior and changing it (not just agreeing to change it). |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 25, 2016 19:36:18 GMT -5
I definitely agree you should do it for your OWN health and sanity. And if that opens up space for something positive to happen in your marriage and it does, terrific. But no need to walk around holding in all that frustration and rage. It doesn't do anyone any good.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 25, 2016 23:07:08 GMT -5
One thing I've learned today is I have to forgive her for the refusals and hurt they caused. That's going to be hard, but I have to do it for my own health and sanity. That maybe the most difficult thing of all to do. This won't work unless we both absolve each other. There is a fine line between being forgiving and being a doormat - a HUGE part of that is her acknowledging her behavior and changing it (not just agreeing to change it). I also think a huge part of being able to forgive is being willing to let go of your marriage. Not saying you should, but as long as there is a voice in your head thinking She should love me more, She should want me, Things should be different, and as long as you see fixing your marriage as the 'right' outcome then that forgiveness is going to be very difficult. |
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 26, 2016 0:22:27 GMT -5
But are you the love of her life? Fair question, one that will be answered in time. If I am, then we'll rebuild and move on. One thing I've learned today is I have to forgive her for the refusals and hurt they caused. That's going to be hard, but I have to do it for my own health and sanity. That maybe the most difficult thing of all to do. This won't work unless we both absolve each other. My W has female friends she chats with online a lot. If my W starts talking and spending time with a male friend, I would ask a lot of questions. LIASM is already difficult and now your W adds a gay dude to complicate the problem. She should please explain what is his role in the marriage. (I don't think I need a gay, or straight, dude in my marriage.) |
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Post by baza on Jun 26, 2016 6:04:29 GMT -5
Would it be fair to say that we are talking about two separate things here ?
#1 - being the relationship (if any) between your missus and this workmate, which involves her and him and NOT you ?
#2 - being the relationship between you and her, but NOT him ?
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I can't see that you have any control over #1 at all. It doesn't directly have anything to do with you.
#2 is a different matter. You DO have control (over your part) in that one.
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You've got no direct say about whether #1 continues.
You have an absolutely direct say about whether #2 continues or not.
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 26, 2016 14:49:17 GMT -5
Fair question, one that will be answered in time. If I am, then we'll rebuild and move on. One thing I've learned today is I have to forgive her for the refusals and hurt they caused. That's going to be hard, but I have to do it for my own health and sanity. That maybe the most difficult thing of all to do. This won't work unless we both absolve each other. My W has female friends she chats with online a lot. If my W starts talking and spending time with a male friend, I would ask a lot of questions. LIASM is already difficult and now your W adds a gay dude to complicate the problem. She should please explain what is his role in the marriage. (I don't think I need a gay, or straight, dude in my marriage.) She doesn't think it was a big deal because there was no chance at anything happening. But as I tried to explain, but didn't put it out in the right words, people can be desirous of what they can't have. I still think there was a bit of that, she did tell be after all she was getting something out of it that I wasn't giving her. But what really bothered me about the whole thing is he was getting her best, and I the worst. Whereas she's in an all happy mood talking to him, I would get the opposite. The funny thing is she wasn't even that upset at me for doing the type of recon I did. I think she liked that I cared and was maybe being territorial. As for my statement on forgiving her, that doesn't mean I'm going to roll over and take nonsense. I've stated on this site a few times how I believe one has to take the hardest line their relationship will handle if they are going to have a chance at fixing the mess that is a SM. Being nice has never changed abusive, or neglectful behaviour. I know of no woman who was ever attracted to a jellyfish. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 15:07:56 GMT -5
angryspartan, if you are sure that you want to stay in this marriage, then you need to decide what is and is not a dealbreaker for you. Refusing? Well, she did that, and you are still there. This male friend - who may or may not be gay, and whom she may or may not have a crush on? Now you have to decide if that is a dealbreaker. IMHO, as long as you are still there with her, and are not serious about ending things with her, it has not reached dealbreaker status yet. Only you know what you cannot live with.
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 27, 2016 1:14:14 GMT -5
.....As for my statement on forgiving her, that doesn't mean I'm going to roll over and take nonsense. I've stated on this site a few times how I believe one has to take the hardest line their relationship will handle if they are going to have a chance at fixing the mess that is a SM. Being nice has never changed abusive, or neglectful behaviour. I know of no woman who was ever attracted to a jellyfish. I agree about being strong and vocal about our needs. Jellyfish are attractive though. |
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