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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 18:17:32 GMT -5
I have been married since 1998. I hope I am in the right place. I am not sure we have a sexless marriage because I start all intimacy and he pretty much goes along with it because he knows my woman's heart is shattered... I don't start anything often anymore because things have gone from bad to worse. I am finding I am not attracted to him anymore because I must work so hard. I've often told him I feel like a whore or a cat in heat who has to work my way into bed with him. He laughs. I am so lonely and sad. I feel tired. It isn't just the sex. If I don't tell him to kiss me or hold my hand, it doesn't happen. Until about three months ago I pretended. I would spend my years either alone or trying to entice him. This extends to conversation as well. If I want more than a conversation that he would have with just anyone it isn't happening. I mostly hear yes of no from him. Those two words. It absolutely makes me anxiety ridden.
6 years ago I lost a lot of weight...to entice him. It didn't do a thing.
I guess, I don't know where to start to introduce myself. My mother laughs at me and says she wishes my father would leave her alone. This is the usual reaction. If women only knew what it feels like. I feel like I have wasted my youth. If I didn't have kids I would leave. I would have left years ago. We have special needs kids (medically) and I pretty much live my life as if my husband died and I collect insurance money. He is rarely here, whether he is here or not.
I need a place I can be open...with someone to say they understand.
It's hard because everyone sees a good guy, and he is, but I am a very lonely. For years I considered him my friend. It isn't even that anymore. I don't want just a friend. I am finally through all my stages of grief, it took me almost 18 years, but I am here. I realize this is him. What now?
I know this reads as me, me, me, me. I am sorry if it comes out that way.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 23, 2016 18:33:19 GMT -5
cc, you are in the right place. No, you are not being selfish. You deserve sex and affection in your marriage. Lots of us have gone through what you have been through. Some of us have left our marriages. Others have found affection outside of our marriage. When you go to all the trouble to lose weight like you did and fail to get a reaction, that is telling. Everybody thinks my wife is the sweetest person in the world, and she can be sweet. But she is thoughtless in terms of my needs. You deserve a thoughtful partner and someon to reward you for your efforts.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 18:41:09 GMT -5
Hey, it's OK. You are among friends now. This place is full of women who tried everything to make our man desire us.
I can relate to losing weight (and having that not make a bit of difference.)
I can relate to feeling like I'm in Bizarro World - aren't men supposed to want sex more than women do?
I can relate to wondering if that means something terrible is wrong with me. Especially when you know for a fact that women who are less physically attractive and more difficult to get along with, have husbands or boyfriends who won't leave them alone. That's *really* tough, because then you think whatever it is that's wrong with you is so bad that nobody wants to be mean enough to tell you.
I can relate to listening to other women wish their men would leave them alone, and feeling grief and shame and ugly envy.
But stick around here a while, and get to know us other women who have been through it and are still going through it. When you know that you are not the only one, it becomes easier to believe that this is not your fault, that there is NOTHING wrong with you, that your feelings and needs are normal; and that you deserve better.
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Post by ggold on Jun 23, 2016 18:48:52 GMT -5
Hey, it's OK. You are among friends now. This place is full of women who tried everything to make our man desire us. I can relate to losing weight (and having that not make a bit of difference.) I can relate to feeling like I'm in Bizarro World - aren't men supposed to want sex more than women do? I can relate to wondering if that means something terrible is wrong with me. Especially when you know for a fact that women who are less physically attractive and more difficult to get along with, have husbands or boyfriends who won't leave them alone. That's *really* tough, because then you think whatever it is that's wrong with you is so bad that nobody wants to be mean enough to tell you. I can relate to listening to other women wish their men would leave them alone, and feeling grief and shame and ugly envy. But stick around here a while, and get to know us other women who have been through it and are still going through it. When you know that you are not the only one, it becomes easier to believe that this is not your fault, that there is NOTHING wrong with you, that your feelings and needs are normal; and that you deserve better. Could not have stated this better! |
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Post by baza on Jun 26, 2016 7:20:45 GMT -5
Quoting you here -
"I know this reads as me, me, me, me. I am sorry if it comes out that way"
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In a dysfunctional marriage, a "me me me " attitude is a GOOD thing to have.
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Because it recognises the key fact in a dysfunctional marriage, namely that there actually is no "us" or "we" in such a situation, just "you" and "him".
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And it is incumbent upon *you* to make choices (often hard and difficult choices) that are in *your* best longer term interests.
Not *his* best interests, and not *our* best interests.
*YOUR* best interests.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 26, 2016 8:16:42 GMT -5
cc a "good guy" does not allow his life's partner to feel lonely and frustrated due to his actions/inactions. It is not you - its him. You have to reevaluate what it is that he means to you. He is obviously content with the marriage as it is or he would change the way he acts. You are not content with the marriage as it is. The decision you have to make is very difficult as it involves you letting go of something you once held dear. After you make your decision about what you intend to do, you must be very direct with him. No threats, just lay out the facts of the situation and the consequences as you see them. You can tell relatives and friends that yes, he is a good guy - he just doesn't love me. And I need to be loved. Good luck to you and may you find peace and contentment in your life.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 13:07:25 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're here with us cc, but glad you found us. It's OK. I'm lonely too. And, like you, I'm many years in (approaching 20) and finally through all the stages of grief. I'm over it. I can't change him. All I can do is work on me. Maybe you can do that too? Put together an exit plan and work it one day at a time. Don't let this man suck the life out of you. Know what you want out of life and get out there and grab it. I started doing this in May and in 7 weeks time, the transformation in my mood (and in my body) is amazing. I have a whole new lease on life and this time, my husband is NOT allowed to take that away from me. He will not be given the power to do so. Women are powerful beings. Take your power back. Hugs to you, girl. You can do this! |
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Post by cc on Jun 26, 2016 17:25:30 GMT -5
cc a "good guy" does not allow his life's partner to feel lonely and frustrated due to his actions/inactions. It is not you - its him. You have to reevaluate what it is that he means to you. He is obviously content with the marriage as it is or he would change the way he acts. You are not content with the marriage as it is. The decision you have to make is very difficult as it involves you letting go of something you once held dear. After you make your decision about what you intend to do, you must be very direct with him. No threats, just lay out the facts of the situation and the consequences as you see them. You can tell relatives and friends that yes, he is a good guy - he just doesn't love me. And I need to be loved. Good luck to you and may you find peace and contentment in your life. I've held on dearly for my CPR efforts to work. I think it's made me very ugly and hateful on my bad days. This has made him use this as fuel why it's me and not him. |
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Post by cc on Jun 26, 2016 17:26:29 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're here with us cc, but glad you found us. It's OK. I'm lonely too. And, like you, I'm many years in (approaching 20) and finally through all the stages of grief. I'm over it. I can't change him. All I can do is work on me. Maybe you can do that too? Put together an exit plan and work it one day at a time. Don't let this man suck the life out of you. Know what you want out of life and get out there and grab it. I started doing this in May and in 7 weeks time, the transformation in my mood (and in my body) is amazing. I have a whole new lease on life and this time, my husband is NOT allowed to take that away from me. He will not be given the power to do so. Women are powerful beings. Take your power back. Hugs to you, girl. You can do this! Yes! I must keep working on myself. I really think that is key! |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jun 27, 2016 0:15:14 GMT -5
cc a "good guy" does not allow his life's partner to feel lonely and frustrated due to his actions/inactions. It is not you - its him. *** After you make your decision about what you intend to do, you must be very direct with him. No threats, just lay out the facts of the situation and the consequences as you see them. *** You can tell relatives and friends that yes, he is a good guy - he just doesn't love me. And I need to be loved. I've held on dearly for my CPR efforts to work. I think it's made me very ugly and hateful on my bad days. This has made him use this as fuel why it's me and not him. cc - One thing that is *absolutely* true in a dysfunctional marriage: It's both of you that need to change. Even if it's 90% him that needs to change, there's still a little bit of you that could change to be better. Nobody is "perfect". I am saying this because when my refuser W and I went to counseling, we both knew our marriage was in the crapper and neither one of us was happy. Even though I felt that it was 90% my refuser that needed to change, my disillusioned refuser didn't think so.... so I had to at least *say* that out loud (e.g. admit that I could change too, and would work on things). Most people in a dysfunctional relationship don't want to change until the OTHER person goes first. So it's a game of chicken, so to speak. But if you get an independent counselor involved and you both sincerely say that you are both willing to change a bit, THEN your refuser will have the greatest potential to actually change. In my case, all trust was broken / gone because my refuser had refused me our entire marriage (e.g. she had only initiated ONCE in nearly 20 years)(until we turned things around a few years ago). So I really needed her to change first. She had to initiate. I wanted her to want me. Then once she did, I was more than willing to change some things about me too. TL2 |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 7:44:44 GMT -5
cc a "good guy" does not allow his life's partner to feel lonely and frustrated due to his actions/inactions. It is not you - its him. You have to reevaluate what it is that he means to you. He is obviously content with the marriage as it is or he would change the way he acts. You are not content with the marriage as it is. The decision you have to make is very difficult as it involves you letting go of something you once held dear. After you make your decision about what you intend to do, you must be very direct with him. No threats, just lay out the facts of the situation and the consequences as you see them. You can tell relatives and friends that yes, he is a good guy - he just doesn't love me. And I need to be loved. Good luck to you and may you find peace and contentment in your life. I've held on dearly for my CPR efforts to work. I think it's made me very ugly and hateful on my bad days. This has made him use this as fuel why it's me and not him. It's the classic vicious cycle. One person feels hurt and rejected and angry - and then (understandably) does NOT want to be kind to the other, or do what he/she wants. And then the other person feels the same way. Read what timeforliving2 said - he is absolutely right. A SM turns into a game of chicken, and probably the only way it can get turned around is for one person to stop responding negatively. And I would venture to say that is almost impossible - it's unnatural to be kind and loving when you are very hurt, and do it well enough and long enough to make a difference. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 11:32:32 GMT -5
My wife and I did the Marriage Counseling dealio. And I agreed with the "School of Thought" (Cognitive Model) the therapist brought to the table, and went into the counselling with an open mind.
In the end, the counselor told us that statistically speaking, we were not likely to remain married. She also told me -- while my wife was there if I recall correctly -- that I had to change because my wife couldn't.
She was not saying this as if she were taking sides, but more as a simple matter of fact. If we were going to stay married, I had to get used to what I had. She ended the sessions with that with a comment along the lines of "I've done all I can do here -- feel free to call me if you have any questions."
But clearly: If you want to achieve some sort of peace while you're married, someone will have to change. From YOUR perspective, that means YOU. No one else is going to change unless forced to.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 27, 2016 15:35:26 GMT -5
My wife and I did the Marriage Counseling dealio. And I agreed with the "School of Thought" (Cognitive Model) the therapist brought to the table, and went into the counselling with an open mind. In the end, the counselor told us that statistically speaking, we were not likely to remain married. She also told me -- while my wife was there if I recall correctly -- that I had to change because my wife couldn't. She was not saying this as if she were taking sides, but more as a simple matter of fact. If we were going to stay married, I had to get used to what I had. She ended the sessions with that with a comment along the lines of "I've done all I can do here -- feel free to call me if you have any questions." But clearly: If you want to achieve some sort of peace while you're married, someone will have to change. From YOUR perspective, that means YOU. No one else is going to change unless forced to. Exactly!! People don't change and it took me a long time to figure that out. Not only with the lack of sex but the gambling and money issues too. It really hit me when my son got bday money from a relative and his father said let me hold that for you and then gambled it away. Of course I replenished the funds for my son but I got tired of cleaning up the messes and living with an irresponsible child instead of a man. I changed in that I no longer accepted that for myself and I realized he would never change. Then I changed his marital status so I guess something did change for him. Lol |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 15:39:32 GMT -5
My wife and I did the Marriage Counseling dealio. And I agreed with the "School of Thought" (Cognitive Model) the therapist brought to the table, and went into the counselling with an open mind. In the end, the counselor told us that statistically speaking, we were not likely to remain married. She also told me -- while my wife was there if I recall correctly -- that I had to change because my wife couldn't. She was not saying this as if she were taking sides, but more as a simple matter of fact. If we were going to stay married, I had to get used to what I had. She ended the sessions with that with a comment along the lines of "I've done all I can do here -- feel free to call me if you have any questions." But clearly: If you want to achieve some sort of peace while you're married, someone will have to change. From YOUR perspective, that means YOU. No one else is going to change unless forced to. Exactly!! People don't change and it took me a long time to figure that out. Not only with the lack of sex but the gambling and money issues too. It really hit me when my son got bday money from a relative and his father said let me hold that for you and then gambled it away. Of course I replenished the funds for my son but I got tired of cleaning up the messes and living with an irresponsible child instead of a man. I changed in that I no longer accepted that for myself and I realized he would never change. Then I changed his marital status so I guess something did change for him. Lol Well, you did what was in your power to do. And I suspect some folks do change, but it always takes an irresistible force to make that happen. I know you don't care, but you probably did him good. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 27, 2016 15:44:50 GMT -5
Exactly!! People don't change and it took me a long time to figure that out. Not only with the lack of sex but the gambling and money issues too. It really hit me when my son got bday money from a relative and his father said let me hold that for you and then gambled it away. Of course I replenished the funds for my son but I got tired of cleaning up the messes and living with an irresponsible child instead of a man. I changed in that I no longer accepted that for myself and I realized he would never change. Then I changed his marital status so I guess something did change for him. Lol Well, you did what was in your power to do. And I suspect some folks do change, but it always takes an irresistible force to make that happen. I know you don't care, but you probably did him good. I agree with you. I really believe that we are both better off in the long run for it. The divorce was a gift to not only myself but to him too. He may or may not see it yet but one day he will. We are still friends and co parents because of the kids. Go out to dinner with the kids to keep the family unit in tact sort of thing. It really is working and he is happy that I don't nag him for sex and I'm happy too. |
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