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Post by nyartgal on Jun 25, 2016 16:06:21 GMT -5
There's absolutely nothing stopping you from creating a weekly phone appointment to discuss child care related matters. You can give him Tuesday's from 2-3pm, it doesn't matter.
Alternatively, you can have an email exchange but that will probably use more of your energy because he will just find a way to keep sending stupid questions back and forth.
It doesn't have to be rude or uncivil. Blame your lawyer, that always works. "My lawyer has advised me to limit our phone conversations about our kid to one per week. Are you available on Tuesdays between 2-3pm?" Done.
He's got your number, which is you're way too accommodating. Which is why you got stuck in this marriage so long in the first place. I say that as someone who is also over accommodating!
But I've learned how to say no and stop enabling the bloodsuckers in my life, and it's been good for all of us.
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Post by JMX on Jun 25, 2016 19:08:17 GMT -5
I am with nyartgal - anyway, when he calls, you can text him instead and say you are busy and cannot talk? Having communication in writing is always best. Even text, you can screen shot an entire conversation, download it to your computer or send it to your email and keep it as evidence. Just remember - that goes 2 ways. No reason you need to talk to him. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2016 19:31:54 GMT -5
I do try the texting instead thing sometimes, but he just keeps calling and texting until I answer. It's a shame he wasn't this interested in being in contact with me when we were married! What I did today was talk to him once and ask him if there was anything else he wanted to talk about because I was going to be busy after this. It seemed to work. He's only texted me once since then and it was legitimate. I know you are both right though - I need to set limits and hold them or he's just going to drive me nuts.
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Post by deborahmanning on Jun 25, 2016 19:34:29 GMT -5
Thirding the suggestion to move your exchanges to texting. Phone calls are so difficult with a narcissist who uses tone, hints and implications to play you like an instrument. Text is immediate, which might be necessary for making childcare arrangements -- I know a weekly email would NEVER be enough for all the stuff my son wants to do. And it's perfectly acceptable in modern social life, even with good friends, to answer a call with a text when you're in a group of some kind. Less interruption for everyone. You don't need to explain the change, just make it. He can't very well come out and admit "No, I want this to stay a voice call, since it gets you more upset." Can he? I guess if he is a smartphone refusenik he can.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 25, 2016 23:15:44 GMT -5
I do try the texting instead thing sometimes, but he just keeps calling and texting until I answer. It's a shame he wasn't this interested in being in contact with me when we were married! What I did today was talk to him once and ask him if there was anything else he wanted to talk about because I was going to be busy after this. It seemed to work. He's only texted me once since then and it was legitimate. I know you are both right though - I need to set limits and hold them or he's just going to drive me nuts. It is not just about him driving you nuts. He needs to start seeing you as a real person with your own needs and boundaries, not just as an extension of his own narcissistic little world. From the schizophrenic way he is behaving, I don't think he even sees you right now. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 7:55:35 GMT -5
I do try the texting instead thing sometimes, but he just keeps calling and texting until I answer. It's a shame he wasn't this interested in being in contact with me when we were married! What I did today was talk to him once and ask him if there was anything else he wanted to talk about because I was going to be busy after this. It seemed to work. He's only texted me once since then and it was legitimate. I know you are both right though - I need to set limits and hold them or he's just going to drive me nuts. It is not just about him driving you nuts. He needs to start seeing you as a real person with your own needs and boundaries, not just as an extension of his own narcissistic little world. From the schizophrenic way he is behaving, I don't think he even sees you right now. I don't think he's seen me for a long time honestly. I tried for years to get him to truly interact with me - and I'm not talking about sex here, just really listen and talk to each other. He would listen with his ears, but not his heart. I felt like I was never really getting through to him, he just wouldn't engage with me other than on very surface things. I can speculate all day on why he is this way, but right now I don't really care. I just need to establish a way of dealing with him that I can live with. I've given up trying to get him to see me as a person. I can't change him or the way he thinks. What I can do is learn to set boundaries and hold to them - without feeling guilty about it. I spent decades acquiescing to his needs and opinions and the habit is deeply ingrained. It's literally a knee jerk response for me. It's hard to explain without making myself sound like a spineless idiot, but looking back at my marriage, I can see how he "trained" me. In the beginning, I would argue and present my own side of whatever issue had come up. He would inevitably make me feel short sighted and stupid either by finding some minor flaw in my logic (and in the process utterly ignoring any emotional truth of what I was saying) or by just wearing me down by repeating his point of view endlessly until it just wasn't worth fighting anymore. It took years for him to grind me down to the point where I just gave in right away because it was just the most peaceful option. The only arena where I was able to consistently stand my ground was the kids - in fact I try to draw on that feeling whenever I have to stand up to him now. Anyway, this is an extremely long-winded way of saying - I'm working on it, but it's going to take time. It isn't a light switch I can just flip, this is a long term behavior pattern. But I get a little better at it each time. I'll continue to try different things until I find the way that feels authentic to me. It's part of what makes this group so helpful to me - sometimes someone suggests something I hadn't even thought of, or provides a viewpoint that makes me look at things from a different angle. I honestly think this group is speeding up my process considerably. So, to you and all the other people here who take the time to read and respond - thank you! I appreciate you more than you'll ever know! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2016 1:26:00 GMT -5
It is not just about him driving you nuts. He needs to start seeing you as a real person with your own needs and boundaries, not just as an extension of his own narcissistic little world. From the schizophrenic way he is behaving, I don't think he even sees you right now. I don't think he's seen me for a long time honestly. I tried for years to get him to truly interact with me - and I'm not talking about sex here, just really listen and talk to each other. He would listen with his ears, but not his heart. I felt like I was never really getting through to him, he just wouldn't engage with me other than on very surface things. I can speculate all day on why he is this way, but right now I don't really care. I just need to establish a way of dealing with him that I can live with. I've given up trying to get him to see me as a person. I can't change him or the way he thinks. What I can do is learn to set boundaries and hold to them - without feeling guilty about it. I spent decades acquiescing to his needs and opinions and the habit is deeply ingrained. It's literally a knee jerk response for me. It's hard to explain without making myself sound like a spineless idiot, but looking back at my marriage, I can see how he "trained" me. In the beginning, I would argue and present my own side of whatever issue had come up. He would inevitably make me feel short sighted and stupid either by finding some minor flaw in my logic (and in the process utterly ignoring any emotional truth of what I was saying) or by just wearing me down by repeating his point of view endlessly until it just wasn't worth fighting anymore. It took years for him to grind me down to the point where I just gave in right away because it was just the most peaceful option. The only arena where I was able to consistently stand my ground was the kids - in fact I try to draw on that feeling whenever I have to stand up to him now. Anyway, this is an extremely long-winded way of saying - I'm working on it, but it's going to take time. It isn't a light switch I can just flip, this is a long term behavior pattern. But I get a little better at it each time. I'll continue to try different things until I find the way that feels authentic to me. It's part of what makes this group so helpful to me - sometimes someone suggests something I hadn't even thought of, or provides a viewpoint that makes me look at things from a different angle. I honestly think this group is speeding up my process considerably. So, to you and all the other people here who take the time to read and respond - thank you! I appreciate you more than you'll ever know! It does take a long time, and maybe never, to learn to deal with the people who know how to manipulate you. Even now, when I speak with my ex, even though I know it's coming, even though I braced myself for it before, I can feel my will dissolving as soon as I am near her. Even if I do stand firm, then I feel guilty about it. Some people know our buttons better than we do. The best way to deal with them is to stay away from them. That's not an option for you now, but it will be. |
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