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Post by lonelytiger on Oct 21, 2024 6:13:54 GMT -5
I get the porn addiction aspect because I feel I may have this but unlike your husband, my wife isn't actively seeking me out for a sexual connection unless it's forced on my end, so I feel that porn is the only outlet I have for sexual release. Again your husband is a complete idiot for not seeing that he has a wife who is more than willing to be there sexually for him and who desires him. Several of us would swap places with him in a heartbeat if our wives were that way.
I do agree with those who say don't shred your credibility at all if you decide to confront him about it.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 21, 2024 12:59:16 GMT -5
Porn addiction is worse than it sounds. Click-reward, click-reward. Each click reinforces the neurological pathways that keep him addicted. If he is going to change, he needs to WANT to change, and you may need to encourage that by increasing the risk to him if he continues. If you make a statement regarding the consequences of his actions, you must be prepared to follow through. Don't shred your cred. I agree and it is less about time spent and more about interfering with everyday life. Although plenty of time spent, he also quit eating with the family. Missed some of the kids activities or got there late because I would leave without him if he was having issues pulling himself away. And of course took away from sex and even being in bed together. He did manage to not let it interfere with work but was very tired as he would not go to bed at a decent hour. Pretty much everything else took a hit. |
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m76
Full Member
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Post by m76 on Oct 21, 2024 16:26:00 GMT -5
Porn addiction is worse than it sounds. Click-reward, click-reward. Each click reinforces the neurological pathways that keep him addicted. If he is going to change, he needs to WANT to change, and you may need to encourage that by increasing the risk to him if he continues. If you make a statement regarding the consequences of his actions, you must be prepared to follow through. Don't shred your cred. I agree and it is less about time spent and more about interfering with everyday life. Although plenty of time spent, he also quit eating with the family. Missed some of the kids activities or got there late because I would leave without him if he was having issues pulling himself away. And of course took away from sex and even being in bed together. He did manage to not let it interfere with work but was very tired as he would not go to bed at a decent hour. Pretty much everything else took a hit. Wow, I thought I liked a lot of porn but I don't have time until after the kids are in bed and work is done. I can't imagine missing family stuff for porn. |
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Post by lonelytiger on Oct 21, 2024 19:48:55 GMT -5
I agree and it is less about time spent and more about interfering with everyday life. Although plenty of time spent, he also quit eating with the family. Missed some of the kids activities or got there late because I would leave without him if he was having issues pulling himself away. And of course took away from sex and even being in bed together. He did manage to not let it interfere with work but was very tired as he would not go to bed at a decent hour. Pretty much everything else took a hit. Wow, I thought I liked a lot of porn but I don't have time until after the kids are in bed and work is done. I can't imagine missing family stuff for porn. I'm the same way. If I look at any it's whenever I'm alone or after everyone goes to bed. I would never look at it if I had something else to do or a family member had something going on. I don't even think about it during those times. |
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 22, 2024 12:33:56 GMT -5
Hello, Choosing to Stay Community, .... There’s more I’ve uncovered that makes me think this could be the case, but I’m a little nervous about sharing too much and potentially being doxed. (Highly unlikely H would ever even find this forum, but if he diiiid). Feel free to ask questions, and I’ll do my best to figure out how to answer without giving too much away! Welcome to the forum deniedvixen. You have received some good feedback and have stimulated some discussion already. I would ask why you are concerned that your H might find out that you are posting here? I assume all that you have written is truthful so it should not be news to him. Would his feelings be hurt, worse than yours are being rejected? Will he go to family and friends complaining that you are seeking a solution to your SM? Unless he is inclined to violence I can see no downside to him knowing you are seeking support and knowledge. My W knows I post here but does not ask about my activity. I look at this as cheap therapy, better than the crap I paid for. |
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Post by toughtiger on Oct 25, 2024 8:51:02 GMT -5
I have always been confused by the idea of porn "addiction".
When my sex life ended, I spoke to a past friend they asked me if i had ever watched or could spouse and I watch porn together etc.. they were thinking it was a jump start thing.
this friend may have been classified as addicted but i watched some for the first time and found most hilarious ....maybe just poorly done but the edits and repeated scenes that made the interaction last much longer real life.... not to mention many other "flaws".
I think the idea of my sex life is not working because we do not have 4 position changes on the couch in full view with drapes open and wife wearing uncomfortable lingerie or shoes / cowboy boots while doing things etc.... i found it as comedy....
BUT maybe I can see a husband wanting variety and someone wearing sexy things or play and reality is spouse is in flannel and starfish. lol
I also think it falls on NOT speaking up and asking your partner to do things you want.....spouse and I broke a dining room table once.
maybe in the laundry room/ garage / couch/ dining room table whatever. Maybe dress differently put in some effort .... i can understand trying some items you have not BUT i look at it like Pinterest ... lots of hacks that look simple but your outcome may vary.....
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 28, 2024 13:52:53 GMT -5
I know he’s addicted to porn. To find out he wants sex almost daily but never pursues me (except once every 1-3 months for what I now know is “reset sex” thank you ILIASM) is unsettling. I always think, “OMG, he’s changed! We’re finally going to have regular sex!”—and then, nope, back to the same old cycle. Whoa! Hold on, now. I hate to be a dick about this but I also jumped to a similar conclusion a while back, but got it all backwards - almost in a "wet streets cause rain" type of situation. The diagnosis of "porn addiction" gets wildly overplayed on these boards and misses an important disqualifier a lot of the time. Consider the perspective of a person married to someone whom they don't want to enjoy sexually because a) they don't like the person or something about them, or don't see them that way, and/or b) they do love them, but don't like something about the circumstance of being married to them (or married at all) No one considers from the perspective of the withholding spouse that they too, are also in a sexually unfulfilling marriage.
Just because the person they are married to is enthusiastic, available, and in need, it doesn't mean that the withholding spouse sees the willing spouse as a viable sexual partner. In their own mind, they are the hero willingly suffering a celibate life so as to preserve the arrangement, and the "sexually neglected" spouse is threatening the marriage by constantly centering the sex that their withholding spouse does not want to have with them. But that doesn't mean the withholding spouse doesn't have a libido at all. So how do they express or vent their own desires in a way that doesn't threaten the relationship? Porn. Fantasy. An affair. It's something they don't want to share with the neglected spouse who just isn't really an option here, despite wanting to be. I do get it - during a decade of celibacy I walked in or overheard or found evidence of Mrs Apocrypha a number of times, getting busy with herself and not sharing that with me. Because I had framed this issue as a lack of desire on her part, I saw her desire as a precious finite commodity that for the sake of our marriage should be invested with me, her husband. So, blowing it on the shower head or on youtubes of her fave fantasy star felt like she was deliberately wasting her appetite. What I didn't realize was that her appetite was just fine. It was that she didn't want to eat at MY restaurant for whatever reasons she had. And that porn and whatever "marital aids" she was engaged in was her coping mechanism for living in a relationship that was not sexually fulfilling - same as me. The porn wasn't causing it. It was a result. |
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