deniedvixen
New Member
New here! But not new to ILIASM :( Glad to know I am not alone
Posts: 5
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Post by deniedvixen on Oct 17, 2024 15:16:18 GMT -5
Hello, Choosing to Stay Community,Well, I’ve officially landed here! Shoutout to mirrororchid for pointing me in this direction for some deeper feedback. I’ve been lurking all around ILIASM, and after reading your stories and insights, I feel like this is where I need to be right now. Here’s the quick version: My H (let’s call him Mr. Deniedvixen, again thanks for that mirrororchid) and I have been married for over a decade. In the beginning, it was all sparks and fireworks—physically and emotionally. That electric connection lasted less than two years, just enough time to marry me (AKA: bait and switch me). Fast forward to now, and I’m basically living the monk life. Seriously, he won’t even hug me, let alone anything more intimate, while he’s off enjoying his online subscription to ‘Orgasm On Demand.’ I mean, what even happened to us? About 8 years in, I found out his sex drive is exactly the same as mine, but he’s using it all up on porn. Let me tell you, nothing kills self-esteem faster than feeling like you’re competing against something that’s not even real. There’s more to the story (some serious snowballing issues and trickle-truths), but I’m hesitant to go into too much detail for fear of being doxed. Before all the rejections from H, I never had self-esteem issues. I used to be pursued left and right, and I know I could leave tomorrow and find someone who appreciates me. But financially, that’s not an option right now. And, in an ideal world, I’d like to resurrect the version of Mr. Deniedvixen that I married. #ResurrectionPlease When mirrororchid said: “ As an opening volley, I'd wonder whether Mr. Deniedvixen realizes he may not be interested in real life intimacy because his hormone levels do not reach the threshold necessary to trigger physical desire. You're offering a steakhouse dinner, but he's eating a burger and fries every hour. He's not hungry so he doesn't get why he'd want to build an appetite. Being hungry is bad, right? If you know dinner hour is nigh, hunger can be an exciting thing. Perhaps he's not let himself experience that? Perhaps he'd be willing to try.
Some refusing husbands' porn collections have unusual kinks to them and it evolves into a fetish where female bodies, alone, do not excite him well. Temporary abstinence and deliberate skin hunger might break the spell there too. Some kink enthusiasts get trapped in such patterns, habituate to them, then need increasingly intense examples that delve into levels that can be disturbing to the uninitiated. He may wish to draw back from the cliff, or he may be over the cliff and terrified you'll find out.” Bingo. That’s exactly it! You managed to put into words some of the things I’ve only been skimming the surface of. I know he’s addicted to porn. To find out he wants sex almost daily but never pursues me (except once every 1-3 months for what I now know is “reset sex” thank you ILIASM) is unsettling. I always think, “OMG, he’s changed! We’re finally going to have regular sex!”—and then, nope, back to the same old cycle. I know some of you have found ways to deal with this—whether it’s having tough conversations, outsourcing, or just accepting the situation. I’m still on the fence. Divorce has been creeping into my mind more than ever, but I’m here because I want to explore all the options before making any big moves. So, I’m dipping my toe into the 'Choosing to Stay' pool to see if there’s a path that brings some peace. If anyone has any ideas on what I can do with mirrororchid’s brilliant steakhouse vs. burger analogy, please share! Especially the part where they said he might be “over the cliff and terrified I’ll find out”—that hit home hard. There’s more I’ve uncovered that makes me think this could be the case, but I’m a little nervous about sharing too much and potentially being doxed. (Highly unlikely H would ever even find this forum, but if he diiiid). Feel free to ask questions, and I’ll do my best to figure out how to answer without giving too much away!
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 17, 2024 16:55:36 GMT -5
I can't say anything I tried helped but I found that trying to talk about it he either shut down or made a lot of promises he couldn't keep. Addiction will do that. I found if I wrote a letter I could get everything out in a non accusatory way without crying.
I eventually wrote an email and told him to keep it. I would refer him back to it because I was tired of repeating myself. Maybe yours will pay more heed. In it told him when I quit being mad it was because I no longer care. I stayed way past that point. I just lived in a roommate situation until I could finally get out. 7 years later he still says he didn't know I was upset enough to leave even though he had it in writing.
It's worth a shot. Maybe bargain for him to cut back on porn. If he has a fetish and it is not too weird try to incorporate it even if just in dirty talk. If you make it not taboo he might not need the porn.
Everyone is different what didn't work for me, might work for you.
Just don't let him kill your soul or self confidence that's a long road back.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 18, 2024 6:03:02 GMT -5
Couple tidbits worth mentioning:While encouragement to divorce is supposed to be avoided on "Choosing to Stay", questions can be asked and the topic can be broached. (e.g. "Are there particular things stopping you from considering divorce? Kids? Finances?") This forum is, unfortunately the springboard for other posts on "SM Issues" category when people decide they do want to discuss it. Feel free to reiterate, "Divorce isn't on the table for me". ILIASM members (so far) have accommodated the position. Similarly, if you change your mind, I have yet to see any members give another member grief over their intent to turn over every single stone before pulling heading for the exit. It's common. You credit me with Mr. Deniedvixen. That is a well worn device at ILIASM and I have no idea who to give credit to. I'd love to, though. Anybody? Who developed that little trick? You may wish to substitute in the items that would make your case too specific. He's into coerced sex fantasies? Tell us he has a foot fetish. He has entire hidden bookshelves stacked with "Pretty Feet Weekly?" tell us you found "Diaper Enthusiast", You found diapers under the mattress? Tell us you found a genital cage. Live in Chicago? Say "Detroit". If someone starts getting specific you can correct the matter then, without actually specifying the truth. I'd been lying about my age for that same doxxing reason until my age became critical to the discussion at which point I didn't care anymore. We are here because we are being deprived of ordinary biological living. We'd be here if our spouses slept four hours and woke us up with them before dawn or was on a 700 calorie diet and insisted we starve too. We are expected to be ashamed, but we're not the ones doing something weird by complaining about bizarre marriages. (not that bizarre, a reported 20% of couples are sexless) Riffing off of angeleyes65 , Mrs. MirrorOrchid reversed in 2019. We've been fairly regular at every three weeks but it's always a Saturday or Sunday morning. I tide myself over until that weekend and refrain from porn that Friday. Because of menopause, lengthy, sensual stamina is not welcome, so giving myself a near hair-trigger is useful. Such a scheduled abstinence might allow him to let his body recognize the treasure he has beside him. Also angeleyes65 's suggestion... if it wouldn't offend you (or you're willing to not think about it too much) perhaps he can get himself into a lather using his porn, but then put it away and invite you for a romp. With practice, perhaps he can prime himself just enough to give you a zesty session, lasting just long enough. Biological mechanism may make this a preferable way for him to finish. That is my deluded dream for you and I stand by it.
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Post by lonelytiger on Oct 18, 2024 6:08:31 GMT -5
You may have to confront your husband's porn use head on and have a frank discussion about it. Tell him that you are more than willing to meet his desires he escapes to porn for. I wonder what he would do if you gave him an ultimatum; divorce if he doesn't stop?
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Post by lonelyhubby on Oct 18, 2024 7:32:21 GMT -5
I would suggest addressing the porn first before even touching on the forced celibacy. Get into counseling if only for that to be brought to light and an objective 3rd party can weigh in - maybe he needs individual counseling for his addiction, like most addicts he will ignore the devastation that comes from the habit until it can no longer be sustained. Or, he won't and you will have your answer. regardless, even IF normal relations were recovered, if the porn addiction remains in practice it will either affect his ability to perform or he will lean into those deviant addiction tendencies and that may or may not be something you would want to experience first hand.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Oct 18, 2024 8:12:48 GMT -5
I really don't understand the overuse of porn when there's a real woman right there that wants you.
I use porn but only because my wife refuses to do anything.
I do recall using porn when we were more active but porn, always, always was the second choice.
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Post by lonelytiger on Oct 18, 2024 9:36:01 GMT -5
I really don't understand the overuse of porn when there's a real woman right there that wants you. I use porn but only because my wife refuses to do anything. I do recall using porn when we were more active but porn, always, always was the second choice. I'm right there with you. If my wife had a higher drive and was willing to do the things I like that are normal in a sexual relationship then porn wouldn't be an issue at all. I certainly don't understand how her husband goes to porn when his wife is more than willing to be sexual with him and meet his needs fully. He's an idiot if he doesn't see that as us who have wives with much lower libidos and are pretty much sexless would love to have a wife who was that way with us. |
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diode
Junior Member
Posts: 78 
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Post by diode on Oct 18, 2024 18:12:11 GMT -5
You may have to confront your husband's porn use head on and have a frank discussion about it. Tell him that you are more than willing to meet his desires he escapes to porn for. I wonder what he would do if you gave him an ultimatum; divorce if he doesn't stop? Unless one is firmly committed to following through as promised on a threat of divorce, it's generally a bad idea to fire that shot over the bow. The failure to follow through often triggers an instant loss of credibility that can extend well beyond the arguments over involuntary sexual abstinence. |
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Post by toughtiger on Oct 18, 2024 22:32:02 GMT -5
My spouse has never had much use for porn .....sex life was active early on then faded..... I know we are busy, we work and had kids...... but it was like he was cool with no sex life unless it was his idea. .. then came 2 major medical events and now it is OVER period.
I know how bad i sound ......but i think i would be better, If there had be truth and communication
IF they way the things came about was different .........age/ medical issues are all understandable....... but making me think it was my fault is unforgivable .... never told me until after the issue was dead.. instead said it was my attitude or my fault .... no discussion.... no willing to make other options then made me feel like i am in the wrong for still having desire.
I am so confused on why women want to refuse a spouse that has working parts and a give a crap about your feelings. i would be happy to be felt up.
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Post by isthisit on Oct 19, 2024 0:41:58 GMT -5
You may have to confront your husband's porn use head on and have a frank discussion about it. Tell him that you are more than willing to meet his desires he escapes to porn for. I wonder what he would do if you gave him an ultimatum; divorce if he doesn't stop? Unless one is firmly committed to following through as promised on a threat of divorce, it's generally a bad idea to fire that shot over the bow. The failure to follow through often triggers an instant loss of credibility that can extend well beyond the arguments over involuntary sexual abstinence. 100%. Credibility takes a long time to earn and cred can be shred in an instant. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 19, 2024 2:43:30 GMT -5
About 8 years in, I found out his sex drive is exactly the same as mine, but he’s using it all up on porn. Let me tell you, nothing kills self-esteem faster than feeling like you’re competing against something that’s not even real. There’s more to the story (some serious snowballing issues and trickle-truths), If anyone has any ideas on what I can do with mirrororchid’s brilliant steakhouse vs. burger analogy, please share! Especially the part where they said he might be “over the cliff and terrified I’ll find out”—that hit home hard. There’s more I’ve uncovered that makes me think this could be the case, but I’m a little nervous about sharing too much and potentially being doxed. (Highly unlikely H would ever even find this forum, but if he diiiid). Feel free to ask questions, and I’ll do my best to figure out how to answer without giving too much away! Most men need to " relieve themselves", daily, or every other day of their bodies natural sperm build up. This relief normally takes a few minutes in the shower,and the use of porn ,one or two of the same images, makes it go easier,and doesn't affect a mans normal urges and ability to perform sexually. This is not an addiction. What i've read over the years, tells about men who get so addicted, that it takes hours of constant stimulation, by hand, or equipment, to have one ejaculation per day. The addiction also requires more and more visual stimulation, always something new, by the minute, minutes turn to hours. Simple visuals of one woman's naked body escalates to multiple partners, other men, just men, animals, and all other kinds of kinks. Now where talking an addiction that goes beyond what a wife can fix, no matter what you offer it's not you, it's a fetish /addiction . Along with that comes great shame, for the man. This would require years of therapy.... Like a drug, or alcohol addiction needing months of detox. Not what you signed up for in a marriage. Perhaps a local church near you offers a men's recovery group for porn addiction? That would be a starting place,for him, and you, to get more information if he refuses to take action towards a recovery.
There’s more to the story (some serious snowballing issues and trickle-truths), This is a normal occurrence on this forum ( myself included) .People come on here saying everything is great except the sex. Then several posts later,after some more deeper prying, there's always more issues. Don't feel bad, that's normal,every relationship has tribulations. All the way back to the garden of Eden!!
Lastly comes actually speaking with an attorney and arming yourself with the knowledge of ( to quote baza) seeing how things will shake out for you from a divorce, and proceeding forward. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.! last question: Do you have access to what he's been viewing? Are you aware of where else he goes in his spare time? It's understandable that you feel like you're prying into his personal time, but dire circumstances change things. When getting the correct information to help him and yourself means getting a search warrant, action is justified! Thank you for helping yourself! Sounds like it's time for a whole lot of "taking" on your part, after years of giving and having nothing left! www.drpsychmom.com/. is a good reference. And the book " Boundaries in Marriage". donnerphotos.com/the-library/book-review-boundaries-in-marriage/ |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 19, 2024 2:57:01 GMT -5
I know how bad i sound ......but i think i would be better, If there had be truth and communication IF they way the things came about was different .........age/ medical issues are all understandable....... but making me think it was my fault is unforgivable .... never told me until after the issue was dead.. instead said it was my attitude or my fault .... no discussion.... no willing to make other options then made me feel like i am in the wrong for still having desire. I am so confused on why women want to refuse a spouse that has working parts and a give a crap about your feelings. i would be happy to be felt up. After following your story from the beginning, you're never going to recieve truth and communication from someone who lives in constant denial,and manipulation. A harsh truth that you are slowly coming to realize and are struggling to deal with. As you move forward,as I hope you will, get ready for NOT settling for bread crumbs from other men. It's hard when you've been trained and conditioned to not "latch on to the slightest inkling form a member of the opposite sex". Study and practice walking the line of interdependence not co-dependency in your future. ( that's where I remain in my years of a healing journey!) |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 19, 2024 9:17:08 GMT -5
I'm thinking a detective is really not what is needed here. Porn addiction is not so different from other forms of addiction. The addict will put aside all other competing elements of their life to indulge in their addiction. If it were heroin the result would be the same. Your H would neglect you, your needs, wants and wishes to the detriment of the marriage and relationship. It seems to me others above have made some good suggestions and advice. The addiction must be confronted if any change is ever to happen. And confronting the addiction, (seeking counselling or some form of interdiction) does not guarantee any change will happen. That means you must have a plan for what you will do if your H is unwilling or unable to kick his porn habit.
At this time divorce seems to be off the table. This leaves accepting the status quo pretty much as is, or opening the marriage either with or without the knowledge of your H. Not an easy decision. But it can be done as mirrororchid has noted using other members here. I agree with posters above that divorce should not be threatened unless you are prepared to go through with it. Credibility is one tool in your bag, take care not to lose it.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 21, 2024 2:20:10 GMT -5
Porn addiction is worse than it sounds. Click-reward, click-reward. Each click reinforces the neurological pathways that keep him addicted. If he is going to change, he needs to WANT to change, and you may need to encourage that by increasing the risk to him if he continues. If you make a statement regarding the consequences of his actions, you must be prepared to follow through. Don't shred your cred.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 21, 2024 5:05:20 GMT -5
Yes, this is a serious problem,and deserves a serious conversation!
With that said- hopefully no one is offended if I throw in a little humor?
My wife dressed up as a police woman the other night and said,
"I'm arresting you for being good in bed! After 2 minutes , she said she is dropping the charges due to lack of evidence!"
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