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Post by lonelyhubby on Oct 8, 2024 15:57:02 GMT -5
..to my wife last weekend - surprise, surprise she got angry and upset.
I asked her why she would be upset with this? She said there is no reason for it - I countered with "who else am I supposed to talk to about this with - her friends, family? I have nobody I can talk to about this except our therapist and that isn't really doing anything for the problem, is it?" she got very quiet
I floated that we should probably stop going to counseling since it's not really achieving anything. I also re-stated for the umpteenth time that this is unsustainable and not going to work - she asked me to be patient - and I said I have been patient for 15 years and I am really done with being patient.
we went to bed and she cuddled a bit, but yesterday - back to the same old...
I rolled over put my arm around her while we watched TV in bed, and my hand was resting across her and touching her breast (no sexual) - and she copped an attitude, asking me why I was touching her boob. I said, I wasn't really, it just happened - so I rolled over, went to the other side of the bed and stopped paying any attention to her.
She held hands after we went to sleep, went out of her way to come over towards me - but I am thinking that regardless of "IF" she speaks to her OBGYN about checking her hormones and addressing her lack of desire - we are simply going to wind up splitting up, or me finding a side FWB.
.....Anyone else have this dynamic where their spouse says I love you, holds hands, etc.. but simply will NOT engage in any kind of kissing or other action that would lead to responsive desire? just a bag of mixed messages and I am really just exhausted from it
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Post by isthisit on Oct 8, 2024 17:29:32 GMT -5
.....Anyone else have this dynamic where their spouse says I love you, holds hands, etc.. but simply will NOT engage in any kind of kissing or other action that would lead to responsive desire? just a bag of mixed messages and I am really just exhausted from it Sad to say, probably all of us. You’re defo one of the gang. My ex-H just loved a bit of ‘let’s play normal’. Right up until anything normal was on my mind at which time he made a hasty retreat in the form of one of his plethora of excuses. I am wondering what your wife’s stated issue is with your participation here. You are anonymous and so is she, so where is the harm? After I dropped the bomb I made him aware that I was part of an online support community (not specifically SM but certainly relating to relationship difficulties). He didn’t like that much at all, but by then I was past caring about his perspectives. Harder again for him as I have made lifelong friends here whose presence and importance in my life are openly discussed and referred to at home with our kids and my wider family. I see no reason to hide the presence in my life of these fabulous people. If he wants a conversation about that, and my need for support to understand and then get out of our marriage, then I am all for it. But I doubt that would go well for him. Same for your wife. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 8, 2024 18:16:00 GMT -5
15 years of sexlessness is enough for you to realize that your wife isn't going to change. Saying this as someone who was in a similar situation and was in the same kind of denial you're in. I've been out of my SM now for 11 years and have never regretted divorcing him. I just wonder why it took me so long!
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Post by lonelyhubby on Oct 8, 2024 19:04:33 GMT -5
15 years of sexlessness is enough for you to realize that your wife isn't going to change. Saying this as someone who was in a similar situation and was in the same kind of denial you're in. I've been out of my SM now for 11 years and have never regretted divorcing him. I just wonder why it took me so long! We just discussed re-initiating nudity and some sex back into our relationship as part of recovering. I brought up scheduling intimate time to take the pressure of "what, right now?" kind of situation - she is thinking about it.. I am hoping my resolute matter of fact discussion on it is having and effect (perhaps, perhaps not)... Just think that maybe she is now having to deal with the reality of me being in a SM support group kind of puts it into perspective for her instead of out of sight, out of mind.. |
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 8, 2024 23:51:50 GMT -5
It's not unusual for a refuser to get a renewed breath of sex life when they find themselves under pressure. The fact she knows that you know that her refusal isn't normal is a good start. I am hopeful for you, but not optimistic.
Keep a record of activity. In my experience changes petered out in about three weeks if they weren't reinforced. If you have to keep the pressure on to have intimacy, is it really the kind of intimacy you want?
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 9, 2024 5:59:33 GMT -5
The eye of Huricane Milton is coming my way tomorrow. My trash cans are at the curb, unsecured. The garbage truck might come early in the morning today, like normal.
( having empty cans will help after the storm for holding storm debris after the storm)
If the truck doesn't come and I leave them at the curb, what could happen? They're going to fall over with trash all in the street, cans and trash projecting back into my house and affecting everyone who lives around me.
Similar to your wife, who's - " thinking about it".
By 12;00 pm -noon time- those cans are coming back in and getting strapped down to the fence! Or do you think I'd be better off ( and everyone around them) that I at least thought about it?
Words verses action.
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Post by lonelytiger on Oct 9, 2024 6:03:05 GMT -5
The eye of Huricane Milton is coming my way tomorrow. My trash cans are at the curb, unsecured. The garbage truck might come early in the morning today, like normal. ( having empty cans will help after the storm for holding storm debris after the storm) If the truck doesn't come and I leave them at the curb, what could happen? They're going to fall over with trash all in the street, cans and trash projecting back into my house and affecting everyone who lives around me. Similar to your wife, who's - " thinking about it". By 12;00 pm -noon time- those cans are coming back in and getting strapped down to the fence! Or do you think I'd be better off ( and everyone around them) that I at least thought about? Words verses action. Good analogy!! |
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 9, 2024 6:04:24 GMT -5
... I am thinking that regardless of "IF" she speaks to her OBGYN about checking her hormones and addressing her lack of desire - we are simply going to wind up splitting up, or me finding a side FWB. Mrs. MirrorOrchid reversed when I started dating. I felt like quite the cad leading Kathy on. In the event Mrs. Lonelyhubby does likewise, you may wish to prepare better than I did about how you continue or not with whatever lover you match up with. What do you disclose? Do you keep the lover even if Mrs. Lonbelyhubby reverses? I was caught flatfooted when the threat to monogamy knocked sense into my wife. Don't expect such an outcome, but be prepared for it. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Oct 9, 2024 6:55:57 GMT -5
We discussed during this weekends heavy discussion about her ex husband and his girlfriend (Why did that happen, etc..) - She said she felt relieved and they were already splitting up and she never should have been with him - but re-iterated that is not the case for us. We (as previously posted) discussed again last night and I told her we should schedule intimacy time for ourselves - and she said "what does that mean" - I flatly said hugging, kissing, nudity and sex - that will take the pressure off of something out of the blue and allow her to prepare and not be caught off guard. She was resistant to this concept and wants to think about it.
If she doesn't understand I am reaching my end to tolerance of this situation, she's deluding herself.
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Post by csl on Oct 9, 2024 7:41:37 GMT -5
We discussed during this weekends heavy discussion about her ex husband and his girlfriend (Why did that happen, etc..) - She said she felt relieved and they were already splitting up and she never should have been with him - but re-iterated that is not the case for us. We (as previously posted) discussed again last night and I told her we should schedule intimacy time for ourselves - and she said "what does that mean" - I flatly said hugging, kissing, nudity and sex - that will take the pressure off of something out of the blue and allow her to prepare and not be caught off guard. She was resistant to this concept and wants to think about it. If she doesn't understand I am reaching my end to tolerance of this situation, she's deluding herself. As to the topic of scheduling, you might want to have look at my New Tool, pt. 2 post on just that very thing. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Oct 9, 2024 7:55:06 GMT -5
Yep - "How's that working out for you?". I have said it isn't working and isn't sustainable - perhaps I should just start asking and re-asking that question instead.
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Post by lonelytiger on Oct 9, 2024 8:07:58 GMT -5
We discussed during this weekends heavy discussion about her ex husband and his girlfriend (Why did that happen, etc..) - She said she felt relieved and they were already splitting up and she never should have been with him - but re-iterated that is not the case for us. We (as previously posted) discussed again last night and I told her we should schedule intimacy time for ourselves - and she said "what does that mean" - I flatly said hugging, kissing, nudity and sex - that will take the pressure off of something out of the blue and allow her to prepare and not be caught off guard. She was resistant to this concept and wants to think about it. If she doesn't understand I am reaching my end to tolerance of this situation, she's deluding herself. So this also happened with her ex as well? |
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Post by week5of35years on Oct 9, 2024 8:17:06 GMT -5
Being on the SM forum STOPPED me from just jumping straight to divorce, because I realised I had not been 100% clear and thought to give it one last go, using the insights of all gathered and posted here.... Scheduling would be a no no for me, W suddenly has pains, aches, alsorts when I try to lay down a path that will lead to sex at a specific time place.... I think it is a auto reflex phycological thing with my W so.... W does not respond to multiple small acts of intimacy during the day adding up to sex or intamacy later on.. (kissing, quick bum pinch, compliments et etc) (in my mind a perfect build up of sexual tension ahead of evening/afternoon/next morning) as she does not connect these events together at all and has said so I I have the evidence... W responded/s well to mild caveman at 3am W hated sex toys until one time practically blew her head off... took several fruitless attempts though and she did stick through that because it made me happy... I have made it clear about the (my) 3 day to recover/start to get v pissed off after 3 days libido... so fair warning if I get grumpy after 4 days etc etc. Whenever she said "not now dear" or some such, I immediately asked why and questioned whether the event/thing was a) as important as having sex with me right now or b) as important as our relationship... I am sure mirrororchid referenced a Reddit sub that had a list of responses to deniers weak excuses that I though were banging..... that's all I have for now, for me ultimatums, whether direct or thinly disguised worked the best I think because they made my W stop and think seriously about her life... I also kept/keep a simple spreadsheet as suggested by others but probably not as comprehensive as csl above... |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Oct 9, 2024 8:20:30 GMT -5
We discussed during this weekends heavy discussion about her ex husband and his girlfriend (Why did that happen, etc..) - She said she felt relieved and they were already splitting up and she never should have been with him - but re-iterated that is not the case for us. We (as previously posted) discussed again last night and I told her we should schedule intimacy time for ourselves - and she said "what does that mean" - I flatly said hugging, kissing, nudity and sex - that will take the pressure off of something out of the blue and allow her to prepare and not be caught off guard. She was resistant to this concept and wants to think about it. If she doesn't understand I am reaching my end to tolerance of this situation, she's deluding herself. So this also happened with her ex as well? Her ex got a girlfriend before their divorce was final, while they were amicably co-habitating due to them having a son. I bluntly asked if it was because of celibacy, she says it wasn't |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Oct 15, 2024 10:15:57 GMT -5
So - the result for the last week is more cuddling, and topless nudity. She says she is trying and working towards more intimacy. She has rubbed my back twice and asked for the same along with breast touching... only time will tell.
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