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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 21:17:03 GMT -5
I was going to post this in the thought provoking thread on how a refusing spouse is different or not from a friend, but I'm sort of on the flip side having left my sexless marriage. I have both a happy sexual relationship and a very intimate but platonic relationship with a female friend, and this got me thinking about the difference. Other than the obvious fact that I root one on a regular basis, and the other has her own deal. But beyond the obvious...
Me and my friend have told each other very very intimate things, but it's the same with my gf. So openness and trust is not the difference
Both are quite hot LOL. It's not that one is a dog so I direct my sexual energy to the other. So that's not it either.
I can talk to either one for hours on end. So communication isn't it either.
I think the difference is that I have given one the ability to deeply hurt me. If my friend did something like, say, betray a trust in a deep way, I would be very hurt and sad but life would go on. If my gf did that, I'd be devastated. Part of me would never fully heal.
When you love someone in that way, you're a dog rolling over and exposing your belly. It's the part that gives you the deepest sense of bonding and feels so nice, but it's also a very vulnerable place. That's the difference. When you love that way, you're vulnerable. You rub each other's tummies.
I never had a platonic tummy rub. Is there such a thing?
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 21, 2016 23:25:16 GMT -5
I never had a platonic tummy rub. Is there such a thing? Back in the 60's? I think touch is a big differentiator - certainly sexually, but even as simple as snuggling, stroking, or tickling. Intimacy. Certainly vulnerability, to a degree more than a friendship would provide. Your friend doesn't know what various parts of you taste like, for example. Or your O face. Or your erogenous zones. Probably a few kinks or fetishes that only your partner knows. |
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Post by baza on Jun 21, 2016 23:56:28 GMT -5
The Scene
baz and Mrs baz at the counsellors.
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I produce my homework (it is to detail 20 things Mrs baz could do to make me feel valued) I have the original and two copies.
Mrs baz hasn't actually done her homework (list 20 things I could do to make her feel valued)
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Counsellor asks for our homework and I hand mine over (I've actually listed about 30 things)
Counsellor notes "this really only works if you BOTH have a list for each other".
"I'm ok with handing mine over" I say blithely.
"I would advise against that" says counsellor
"Why ?" I ask.
"Well" says the counsellor "this list contains two things. On one hand it is an instrument that could pave the way to a better relationship, or it could be used as a blueprint to drive you further apart. It's like a olive branch or a hand grenade"
I ponder this for a moment, then say "Ah fuck it, here's my list" and I give it to Mrs baz.
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It turned out to be a hand grenade. She then knew exactly what not to do.
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My list (thereafter referred to by Mrs baz as my "List Of Demands") listed my vulnerable parts (like you say Brother phin) and they duly got trampled.
And I had inadvertantly handed her the weapon.
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Those closest to you know the "best" ways to hurt you.
And, in my deal with Ms enna 6 years on, it shows that those closest to you know the best ways to love you.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 22, 2016 1:28:49 GMT -5
@phinheasgage I think this might be a really good way to look at it. A friend is someone you can potentially be close to, intimate with, share anything with. And I guess potentially you could even have sex and stay on the friend side of the line. A lover is someone you may or may not do any or all of these things with, but it is someone you bond with and give the power to hurt you. It is a different kind of a bond, but a real one. That would explain a lot about how some of our partners feel (even if they aren't interested in sex) and might help to explain why so many people stay in relationships where the friendship and sex are both sorely lacking.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2016 6:09:28 GMT -5
baza...Interesting, she knew what *not* to do in order to hurt you. Had you given your list to an actively aggressive person you would have got beat up in entirely different ways.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 22, 2016 10:27:42 GMT -5
I think you answered your own question about the difference. However I want to answer the other question about a platonic tummy rub: Yes there is such a thing. We have different people that come into our lives at different times for different reasons. I think that a platonic tummy rub is a great thing because 1) there is not any risk and that's a great thing. You feel very comfortable with each other and that's a valuable thing. A risk free environment is the one thing that makes me such an effective teacher. As you stated that risk free environment made it possible for both of you to share personal things with each other and that's what a good friendship is about. 2) You also equated the word bonding to a platonic tummy rub and that happens with many friendships too. We have friends that we are closer too than others. Some friends we can tell our most intimate saddest secrets to and others we can't and I think that comes from bonding and the whole risk free thing. So enjoy all of your tummy rubs, platonic and of course non platonic!  |
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