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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 20:38:00 GMT -5
I did it again - walked right into a way for my STBX to punish me.
Things are complicated in a divorce. For example, my car is in his name. It can't be transferred to my name before the divorce is final or I will have to pay taxes on it as if I bought the car. My STBX told me the auto insurance was coming up and he was going to take me off the policy and I could get my own. But guess what? I can't insure a car I don't own. I checked with my lawyer and she said he can't take me off the insurance until the divorce is final when the car will be transferred into my name. I told her I would just pay him my portion and she specifically said not to do that. She told me to refer him to her if he gave me any trouble.
But of course, I didn't listen to her. I felt like it was only fair for me to pay my portion of the insurance so I emailed him and told him to let me know what I owed. Today he hit me with a huge insurance bill and told me he needs a check right away so he can cover the support he has to give me at the beginning of July.
Two things bother me here - first that he is claiming he needs money, which is absurd. I know exactly how much he had as of the end of May and it's plenty, trust me. He's been saving out of his paycheck since I told him I was divorcing him and he's accumulated a very tidy sum (he has enough just in his savings account to cover my support for over a year). The second is that he had total control of which insurance company to choose. If I had a brain in my head, I would have insisted on being part of that choice so that I could control what it cost me.
But no. I didn't want to be "difficult." I wanted to be "fair to him" and take care of my responsibilities. I'm starting to wonder if I will ever learn this lesson. When will I figure out that every time I try to be fair, he sees it as a way to screw me over?
And just to add to the joy here, I need to take my son shopping tonight so he can buy a gift for my STBX because it's his birthday tomorrow. I can't even tell you how very much I want to say, "Geez, I'm sorry. I didn't have enough money to help our son buy you a birthday gift because I had to pay my very high priced auto insurance." Unfortunately, that would make my son feel bad, so I won't.
Sigh. Maybe next time I'll be smarter.
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Post by baza on Jun 21, 2016 21:17:10 GMT -5
I've got a theory for you Sister mountainrunner. That is, like many of us reaching the end of the rope, you not only *want* to do "the right thing" but you desperately want to "BE SEEN to be doing the right thing" as well. I did the exact same thing back in the day, however, after the initial kerfuffle, my missus adopted a pretty pragmatic position and we were able to work out the details without resorting to a shit fight. From my viewpoint (and bear in mind I do not have any emotional investment in your deal) it certainly presents as you having not only "done the right thing" thus far, but you have also "been seen to be doing the right thing" up to now - (by me at least). I dunno if this is the time or the place, but mebbe at some point soon you might ask yourself this question - - "Who am I trying to convince that I have been *doing the right thing* here  ?" - On a more practical note, I am reminded of the analogy about hiring a lawyer. It goes - "there is no point in buying a dog and then barking yourself" Feeling for you Sister. This is tough. PS - by the way, if that car is in his name, it ain't *your* car (the prick will probably sell it and pocket the cash) |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 21:45:14 GMT -5
baza , you are dead on here. I do want to both do the right thing and be seen as doing the right thing. And you raise a very good question - who am I trying to convince? I'm working on this, but progress is slow. Glacial might be a better word. In all fairness, this is a lifelong issue for me, not one that only popped up in my marriage. I had to laugh at the barking analogy. I might need to print that out and paste it on my forehead. And maybe on my computer, phone, mirror, door...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2016 7:48:07 GMT -5
@mountainrunner I will share something that some of my clients respond to: "what are YOU getting out of continuing to pursue a toxic relationship, that you already know the outcome of?"
Sometimes we self-sabotage for a variety of reasons - from looking like "the good guy," "being perceived as the savior," "acting like 'the adult'", etc. The key is to recognize WHY we do it, work through the feelings, develop a new way to engage and practice, practice, practice.
In the meantime, please listen to your attorney. Then, do as she recommends.
You WILL get through this, because you're a strong, amazing woman. {{{@mountainrunner}}}
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 22, 2016 11:18:31 GMT -5
Start to be difficult. Learn to be difficult. At least where he is concerned because he does not deserve your fairness. If you haven't already sent him the check then I would send him a text or an email stating that you spoke with your attorney and you were advised not to pay that bill. He gives you money not the other way around, that's how this works. If he doesn't like it tough, he should have been a husband to you and there are consequences for every action or inaction so fuck him! As far as the birthday thing, this year I sent a text to my husband said happy birthday after he didn't say Happy Mothers Day. I texted him for Fathers Day too. I told the kids to make him a card when they get to his house. Think about would he give the kids money to buy you a gift. What's good for the goose is good for the asshole!! Hang in there my friend. Listen to your attorney and here's a big hug.  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2016 11:23:29 GMT -5
Amen bballgirl! The "difficult" she's speaking of is actually FAIR @mountainrunner. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 22, 2016 12:46:53 GMT -5
Try your best to follow your attorney's advice - - you PAID for it and lawyers do not fuck around when telling you EXACTLY what you are supposed to be doing. If you trust her, then you gotta go with what she suggests - gotta.
Good luck, MR - your STBX is a dick and a manipulating control freak. You need to disentangle as quickly as possible from his Alfred Hitchcock movie character.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2016 15:42:19 GMT -5
Thank you, everyone! You all make me both laugh and think hard, and I appreciate all your responses.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 22, 2016 16:00:45 GMT -5
I think a lot of this has to do with your up-bringing. Where you taught/raised to be ,kind, loving, joyful, peaceful, self controlling, gentle, fore bearing? ( all fruits of the spirit)
You were taught lessons of " give and you shall receive, to be a cheerful giver, showing acts of kindness, mercy. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the kingdom...etc...."
Not saying there is anything wrong with this way of living!
There is another side of this coin, that gets ignored.
It's time for taking ground and finding your joy!
The problem lies in a lack of identity. You are finding out who you are, and why you are here. You've got to take that journey by yourself.
You have to get your heart back.
In a short time you will discover that there are many who want to be part of your adventure!
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Post by deborahmanning on Jun 22, 2016 23:58:54 GMT -5
Just thought I would call your attention to the way this post reads in the URL: "thread/701/get-head
I know such things may be far from your thoughts right now, but may you get and give as much as you like, when this dud is out of the picture!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 23, 2016 10:28:36 GMT -5
Just thought I would call your attention to the way this post reads in the URL: "thread/701/get-head I know such things may be far from your thoughts right now, but may you get and give as much as you like, when this dud is out of the picture! I love that you noticed this! and then it even has a question mark....almost like the "got milk" ad campaign but more up my alley Get head? (Why yes, thank you, I'd like that) hehehehehe |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 10:46:28 GMT -5
deborahmanning doesn't miss anything. You have to be careful with her.
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Post by Dan on Jun 24, 2016 10:25:54 GMT -5
I identify with the "want to do the right thing" AND "be seen as doing the right thing". I ask myself: who am I concerned about my appearances to? When I go through each group -- my kids, my parents, our dozen or so close mutual friends -- I think each group will give me the benefit of the doubt, and not "shun" me if/when I divorce. But EVEN SO "being the nice guy" is a POWERFUL force over me... too, powerful, perhaps.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 4, 2017 10:12:42 GMT -5
I did it again - walked right into a way for my STBX to punish me. Things are complicated in a divorce. For example, my car is in his name. It can't be transferred to my name before the divorce is final or I will have to pay taxes on it as if I bought the car. My STBX told me the auto insurance was coming up and he was going to take me off the policy and I could get my own. But guess what? I can't insure a car I don't own. I checked with my lawyer and she said he can't take me off the insurance until the divorce is final when the car will be transferred into my name. I told her I would just pay him my portion and she specifically said not to do that. She told me to refer him to her if he gave me any trouble. But of course, I didn't listen to her. I felt like it was only fair for me to pay my portion of the insurance so I emailed him and told him to let me know what I owed. Today he hit me with a huge insurance bill and told me he needs a check right away so he can cover the support he has to give me at the beginning of July. Two things bother me here - first that he is claiming he needs money, which is absurd. I know exactly how much he had as of the end of May and it's plenty, trust me. He's been saving out of his paycheck since I told him I was divorcing him and he's accumulated a very tidy sum (he has enough just in his savings account to cover my support for over a year). The second is that he had total control of which insurance company to choose. If I had a brain in my head, I would have insisted on being part of that choice so that I could control what it cost me. But no. I didn't want to be "difficult." I wanted to be "fair to him" and take care of my responsibilities. I'm starting to wonder if I will ever learn this lesson. When will I figure out that every time I try to be fair, he sees it as a way to screw me over? And just to add to the joy here, I need to take my son shopping tonight so he can buy a gift for my STBX because it's his birthday tomorrow. I can't even tell you how very much I want to say, "Geez, I'm sorry. I didn't have enough money to help our son buy you a birthday gift because I had to pay my very high priced auto insurance." Unfortunately, that would make my son feel bad, so I won't. Sigh. Maybe next time I'll be smarter. Ahh.... mountainrunner, I so wish you where still here! I just ran into the exact problem. The car insurance, the removing of tags, home insurance, flood insurance, etc... My W emails me and tries to tell me that I need to pay these things". Like you my W has plenty stored away and can easily afford it. (Plus she has broken every standing court order there is during a divorce causing her to be in contempt of court- a true definition of a narc) my attorney simply says, "stop paying for these things." I have taken her advice more and more. Recently a letter came about reinstating the flood insurance on the rental houses. I have cancelled our joint account on the rentals. I collect and manage them now. However, there is still a large amount of money that was removed from the rental account that my W insists on "forgetting" about. Enough to pay the insurance 14x over .Fortunately all the bank statements and computer records show otherwise. Instead I send my W (and to the attorney) emails stating her forgotten memory of all this moved money, -the money she swore under oath during her deposition of not remembering-and how she has plenty to pay the bills herself. Just a few more days until she has to answer this to a judge. So.... I am learning. |
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