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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 1, 2016 11:15:40 GMT -5
My hub considers sex hard work. When he gets home he wants to stop working and have his "down time." He says that I have control over how much interaction I have with other people so I' don't have that stress. (Celt, I'm not defending him!) I understand him, and I resent him.
I had hoped that we would rekindle our marriage once we were empty nesters but it didn't happen. The six months that our son was out of the house, we did not make love or even get close. He still needed his "down time." That's when the anvil dropped on my head and I realized it wasn't that he needed his downtime he just didn't want me.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 1, 2016 13:23:11 GMT -5
Not that I am prying or blaming. Have you tried to be a little "aggressive" with him? Have you tried to be the initiator? Or the other route, the "nurturing" role?
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 1, 2016 14:05:12 GMT -5
My hub considers sex hard work. When he gets home he wants to stop working and have his "down time." He sadly sounds like one of those folks who sees their job as their life's accomplishment, only valuing what can be done in the context of earning more money / building a bigger empire / becoming more powerful. Those folks can be quite successful in their career, but at the expense of the rest of their life. Personally, I work to live; I don't live to work. I enjoy years when the pay is higher, but I'm not willing to sell my soul to make it the norm. That's hard to do when employees depend on your income. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 1, 2016 14:40:37 GMT -5
Not that I am prying or blaming. Have you tried to be a little "aggressive" with him? Have you tried to be the initiator? Or the other route, the "nurturing" role? Oh I tried everything. In fact, while I was playing the aggressive game, I stressed him out so much he gained 60 pounds. He is a stress eater. When I backed off he decided he needed to lose the weight. I didn't make the connection until a few years later. I did the books too. Before that I set up dates for sex. He said he couldn't do command performance (yep, he needed down time first). |
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Post by darktippedrose on Apr 1, 2016 18:01:33 GMT -5
it sounds like that's just his go to excuse.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 1, 2016 18:29:47 GMT -5
*scratches head* ...down time? I'm all about down time. I'm all about alone time. I'm all about quiet time. I'm also all about sexy time. There's nothing I enjoy more than some nice quiet down time. ...well except for some nice loud sexy time. This situation of his is a bit mind boggling if you ask me. I am in a similar spot though. My wife finds sex to be nothing more than a chore. There's lots of excuses from her. I wish I had advice for you. Unfortunately I don't. I can relate though. I hope that helps. Hang in there.  |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2016 19:51:33 GMT -5
My hub considers sex hard work. When he gets home he wants to stop working and have his "down time." He says that I have control over how much interaction I have with other people so I' don't have that stress. (Celt, I'm not defending him!) I understand him, and I resent him. I had hoped that we would rekindle our marriage once we were empty nesters but it didn't happen. The six months that our son was out of the house, we did not make love or even get close. He still needed his "down time." That's when the anvil dropped on my head and I realized it wasn't that he needed his downtime he just didn't want me. Been there and done that. If I had continued the pursuit -- which I personally don't mind -- I think it would have killed her. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2016 20:03:00 GMT -5
I just don't understand refusers. At all.
Sex is part of the FUN side of life. Work is part of the things-other-people-want-you-to-do.
If I use my imagination, I can see how a person might think of sex as something other people want them to do. That has not been true for me, most of the time. But I've heard enough about what life was like for women, before women had much say over who they were going to marry, etc.
And work...well, on the whole I don't mind working. I even sort of enjoy it. But honesty time? If I won a huge lottery - I'd never work again! (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42)
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 1, 2016 22:02:01 GMT -5
Not that I am prying or blaming. Have you tried to be a little "aggressive" with him? Have you tried to be the initiator? Or the other route, the "nurturing" role? Oh I tried everything. In fact, while I was playing the aggressive game, I stressed him out so much he gained 60 pounds. He is a stress eater. When I backed off he decided he needed to lose the weight. I didn't make the connection until a few years later. I did the books too. Before that I set up dates for sex. He said he couldn't do command performance (yep, he needed down time first). I am sorry. I am sure you did. I am sure we all did. That was very neewbie of me. |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 3, 2016 18:34:55 GMT -5
My hub considers sex hard work. When he gets home he wants to stop working and have his "down time." He says that I have control over how much interaction I have with other people so I' don't have that stress. (Celt, I'm not defending him!) I understand him, and I resent him. I had hoped that we would rekindle our marriage once we were empty nesters but it didn't happen. The six months that our son was out of the house, we did not make love or even get close. He still needed his "down time." That's when the anvil dropped on my head and I realized it wasn't that he needed his downtime he just didn't want me. Maybe if you dropped the anvil on his head you might be able to rearrange the furniture in there a little bit! My W is exactly the same. She just seems to have a limit on how much interaction she wants with other people. I think she starts the day with a bank of about 100 interaction points which she can use before she has to switch off. Work uses up about 50 of them, any kind of difficulty with my son would be about 30, chatting after work with me might be about 10. Social engagements with very close friends are only about 25, but any other kind are more like 50. Quick in and out sex uses up 150 points, and any kind of intimate sex starts from 600 points and goes rapidly north. In fairness she can get back 20 points or so by spending several hours surfing on her phone, and copious amounts of alcohol seem to give her lots of free points (but only sometimes). |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 3, 2016 18:39:38 GMT -5
My hub considers sex hard work. When he gets home he wants to stop working and have his "down time." He says that I have control over how much interaction I have with other people so I' don't have that stress. (Celt, I'm not defending him!) I understand him, and I resent him. I had hoped that we would rekindle our marriage once we were empty nesters but it didn't happen. The six months that our son was out of the house, we did not make love or even get close. He still needed his "down time." That's when the anvil dropped on my head and I realized it wasn't that he needed his downtime he just didn't want me. Maybe if you dropped the anvil on his head you might be able to rearrange the furniture in there a little bit! My W is exactly the same. She just seems to have a limit on how much interaction she wants with other people. I think she starts the day with a bank of about 100 interaction points which she can use before she has to switch off. Work uses up about 50 of them, any kind of difficulty with my son would be about 30, chatting after work with me might be about 10. Social engagements with very close friends are only about 25, but any other kind are more like 50. Quick in and out sex uses up 150 points, and any kind of intimate sex starts from 600 points and goes rapidly north. In fairness she can get back 20 points or so by spending several hours surfing on her phone, and copious amounts of alcohol seem to give her lots of free points (but only sometimes). LOL. That's funny. And sad. |
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 4, 2016 2:25:43 GMT -5
My W is exactly the same. She just seems to have a limit on how much interaction she wants with other people. I think she starts the day with a bank of about 100 interaction points which she can use before she has to switch off. Work uses up about 50 of them, any kind of difficulty with my son would be about 30, chatting after work with me might be about 10. Ah, yes... Being relegated to whatever dregs are left over in the bottom of the coffee pot at the end of the day. I can relate. In particular, one of my sons would routinely kick into high gear around 11:00pm, spin up controversial topics, and W would take the bait every time. By the time she came to bed, all that was left was the smouldering shell of a burned out stump. It really does come down to priorities. When you are literally the last person on her list for the day, there's nothing left unless she made a point to save it for you. (And curiously enough, knocking things off the list for her just seems to make room for other stuff.) |
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