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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 18, 2016 14:44:54 GMT -5
As I alluded to in my post about my situation, I'm finding more and more that my wife and I no longer seem to share many common interests or likes any longer.
I'm not sure if it's all because of the depression, because we're changing and growing apart, or just because of her need for large amounts of time away from me.
So if anybody cares to answer, how is it for you? Do you and your spouse do things together except the sex, or is there a lack of doing things together in general? And if so, when/ how did that start?
Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to figure a lot of things out, and I do that best while talking to others.
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 18, 2016 15:55:48 GMT -5
As I alluded to in my post about my situation, I'm finding more and more that my wife and I no longer seem to share many common interests or likes any longer. I'm not sure if it's all because of the depression, because we're changing and growing apart, or just because of her need for large amounts of time away from me. So if anybody cares to answer, how is it for you? Do you and your spouse do things together except the sex, or is there a lack of doing things together in general? And if so, when/ how did that start? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to figure a lot of things out, and I do that best while talking to others. We like a lot of the same things but we've always known and made time for ourselves. He's into hunting and fishing and I'll go fishing with him but I go paint with my friends and read and write. We do a lot of things together and get along. Once intimacy and sexual conversation starts he becomes easily offended and instead of fixing it we end up just ignoring the problem and moving on. You should try date night maybe painting class? It's really relaxing and most serve wine if it helps ease the tension? |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2016 16:04:38 GMT -5
There's a general lack of common interests between us. And I would also say I've changed (hopefully grown!) while he hasn't. I thought everyone grew and became more emotionally/psychologically/spiritually mature as they aged. Alas, I've learned some people never evolve.
That said, we do have a common value system where money and child-rearing are concerned and we see eye-to-eye on some basic issues. Politically, we are an entire planet apart. The lack of common ground/common activities probably started slowly and the gulf between us only widened with the lack of emotional connection as well.
I gather your wife is depressed? Or is it you? I think in a SM, depression is common for one or both spouses because, hell, the situation is depressing! But, the real reason I ask is because depression causes anhedonia and apathy, among other things, which makes it hard to muster the energy to do anything at all.
I'm sorry you're in this boat. No easy answers, are there? Hang in there. And go do something that makes YOU happy!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2016 21:08:07 GMT -5
When we first got married and when the kids were young, we did a lot of things together - hiking was big for us, we loved going out to hear live music and hanging out with friends, we liked renting movies, liked similar TV shows, etc. But over time, we drifted further and further apart. I didn't feel close to him so I withdrew into my own activities and my own friends. He became less active and wasn't able to hike with me and the kids anymore. He started watching sports on TV all the time, which drove the kids and me nuts. We basically just shared physical space, but very little else. It took me a long time to give up on trying to reestablish a connection with him. (I'm in the middle of a divorce at the moment.)
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Post by baza on Jun 18, 2016 21:43:11 GMT -5
FWIW, I don't believe one has to have a heap of things in common with another person to have a functional relationship.
This is very much the case with Ms enna and me. We are very different people with different interests outside of our relationship.
I am pretty much an uncouth and uneducated bloke, Ms enna is quite refined and well educated.
We do share core values, relevant to our partnership, and we sure do like fucking each other.
Blasting off for the afternoon on my cruiser is not Ms enna's strong suit, but she will pillion up with me sometimes.
Admiring the fine quilting work is not my cup of tea, but I will go to a quilting exhibition with her and have researched enough about the art to be able to have a conversation about it.
I like that Ms enna has divergent interests outside of "us"
And I like that I do too. I think it is healthy.
But always, we return to "us". Just us two. Our sanctuary, and the rest of the world can go and get fucked at those times.
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So Brother cagedtiger, I ain't seeing the lack of mutually liked things outside of your "us" as a problem.
I suspect that actually, you haven't got an "us" in your present circumstances. There's *you* and there is *her* and the common ground is that you are both in an ILIASM shithole.
That is not much of a basis for a relationship.
No "us" = no relationship in real terms, though you might stay together in the shell, via some medium of traumatic bonding or similar.
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Edited - Brother cagedtiger, I just realised that you don't know me from a bar of soap.
Where I'm coming from.....
I was in an ILIASM deal for decades, got out in Oct 09.
Been in the relationship of my life since Apr 10.
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Post by iceman on Jun 20, 2016 10:23:01 GMT -5
When we were first married we did a lot more things together and had common interests. Some of that commonality was due primarily because we just wanted to be together and it didn't matter what we were doing. That was very early on. But over time we gradually started drifting apart. Some of of it was just caused by life - kids, job pressures, etc. That really didn't bother me. I think that's normal in the best relationships. The problem is that my W never really had the concept of 'Us' as out center to where we could always find each other. The place in our lives were we could come together no matter what was going on around us for emotional and physical intimacy. There was always something bothering that was keeping her away from that place. It seemed that me wanting us to come together to an 'Us' place just added to her stress. As our marriage has spiraled downward we increasingly lead separate lives for anything that doesn't involve our kids, and even then we deal with them increasingly separately. If I'm honest at this point there isn't much I want to do with her. I make the effort but it's just that - 'an effort'. One shouldn't have to regard doing things with your spouse as requiring an effort. It's just exhausting to be in that situation.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2016 16:19:14 GMT -5
My ex and I did have similar interests and similar opinions. But I think (in hindsight) that we may not have had similar values in some ways. He's more family-oriented than I am, and I am more interested in traveling and seeing new places. I'm more willing to move, change jobs, etc., than he is.
But the activities that we both enjoyed doing together did not hold the relationship together. On the surface, that looks like I stopped enjoying going to museums with him just because he didn't want to have sex anymore. But that's not really all of it, or even most of it. I'm realizing more and more that he was putting up a wall between us emotionally. When that wall was in place, it was harder for me to enjoy museums, bookstores, etc., with him, the same way that I would with a person who was emotionally open to me (like he used to be.)
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 20, 2016 16:33:23 GMT -5
My ex and I did have similar interests and similar opinions. But I think (in hindsight) that we may not have had similar values in some ways. He's more family-oriented than I am, and I am more interested in traveling and seeing new places. I'm more willing to move, change jobs, etc., than he is. But the activities that we both enjoyed doing together did not hold the relationship together. On the surface, that looks like I stopped enjoying going to museums with him just because he didn't want to have sex anymore. But that's not really all of it, or even most of it. I'm realizing more and more that he was putting up a wall between us emotionally. When that wall was in place, it was harder for me to enjoy museums, bookstores, etc., with him, the same way that I would with a person who was emotionally open to me (like he used to be.) My Father's Day experience was much like that. I was told about my wife's family having a dinner for her dad, and that I could " come along." Just listen to how that sounds? It's all right there! Not told " we can have fun, let's go together, you and me, the family wants to see you, let's tell everybody about the kids, I know you will like the food, we can go look at the town while we are there, etc..." No. It's none of that. The wall is there. The detachment that began over two years ago. That's when you ask yourself," who wants to be a part of that? Yes I rather would mow grass!" Her family will hear " he was invited, but he would rathe mow lawns". So they can think," what's wrong with him? She did her part". at least I know the truth, and that helps set me free. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2016 19:58:22 GMT -5
Surprisingly, Numbnuts and I have a lot in common still. We share some of the same interests and enjoy doing some of the same things. But there's enough difference where we do our own things at times.
The trouble for me lies where I've become more high strung, more type-A and he's become more chill. Waaaay ... tooooo ... chill. And we bug the shit out of each other more often than not. I also maintain he has medical issues he still has not addressed.
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Post by wewbwb on Jun 21, 2016 8:30:05 GMT -5
Surprisingly, Numbnuts and I have a lot in common still. We share some of the same interests and enjoy doing some of the same things. But there's enough difference where we do our own things at times. The trouble for me lies where I've become more high strung, more type-A and he's become more chill. Waaaay ... tooooo ... chill. And we bug the shit out of each other more often than not. I also maintain he has medical issues he still has not addressed. His Medical issues are he is Blind Deaf Dumb and Numb. As for the other - it should be a "middle ground" thing - He should become "less chill" (not really sure what that means) and YOU should learn to "let it be" a little more - BUT- when you are not getting what you need and want out of the relationship - it is easy to stop trying to reach that middle ground. I know that I did, and I am a pretty patient guy. (serious stops here:) And since this is the internet: - I am also Tall, dark, handsome, and very smart.  |
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Post by iceman on Jun 21, 2016 8:57:54 GMT -5
My ex and I did have similar interests and similar opinions. But I think (in hindsight) that we may not have had similar values in some ways. He's more family-oriented than I am, and I am more interested in traveling and seeing new places. I'm more willing to move, change jobs, etc., than he is. But the activities that we both enjoyed doing together did not hold the relationship together. On the surface, that looks like I stopped enjoying going to museums with him just because he didn't want to have sex anymore. But that's not really all of it, or even most of it. I'm realizing more and more that he was putting up a wall between us emotionally. When that wall was in place, it was harder for me to enjoy museums, bookstores, etc., with him, the same way that I would with a person who was emotionally open to me (like he used to be.) Sex has a way of making one more pliable and willing to do things with your partner that you might not otherwise do on your own. It's not that you are more agreeable and willing directly because of the sex and you are purposely not doing those things because there is no longer sex. Your mindset about your partner and your relationship fundamentally changes when sexual intimacy disappears. An activity with your partner you once found appealing when you were a sexually intimate couple no longer is appealing. Sex melds people together emotionally and that manifests itself in physical actions. It's one of the many things refusers don't understand as being a consequence of their refusing ways. |
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