Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2024 16:03:57 GMT -5
www.drpsychmom.com/post-divorce-sensitive-guys-get-women/
Post-Divorce, Sensitive Guys Get More Women
Samantha Rodman Whiten — December 11, 20160 2
Many clients come to see me when they are in the midst of divorce or separation, and others come in when struggling with the decision to leave a difficult marriage. A constant worry that is voiced by both men and women is, “Will I ever find someone else?” The fear of being alone, or regretting that you left the one person who would have tolerated or loved you, is powerful. It can keep people trapped in toxic, loveless marriages and long-term relationships. But, from what I see with the clients I work with, this fear is often completely unfounded.
For men, the world of post-divorce dating can in fact be a whirlwind of excitement, as I told this guy. The women they meet are older, less sexually anxious or reserved, more in touch with their bodies, and they are feeling post-divorce excitement themselves. I have had multiple male clients who were shocked by the amount of sexually willing partners that they found on dating sites or at singles events. And some of these women may also want relationships, ranging from friends with benefits to serious commitment. There has been no divorced male client that I’ve worked with that hasn’t had at least a few dates and a couple of sexual experiences within the first couple of months post-divorce, if they signed up for a dating site or app and messaged at least a few women. And by months I often mean weeks.
The guys I see are not wealthy, or rock stars, or the most amazingly charming men in the universe. But they do have one thing in common: they are all seeing a therapist. People who choose to start therapy are by definition more introspective and likely more sensitive than the average person. But you’re in luck, because if you’re reading an article about divorce, you’re also likely more introspective and sensitive than average. Divorced women are often divorced from guys that they considered self-absorbed or narcissistic. To these women, a guy who think about his feelings and tries to work on his flaws with a therapist is very appealing. It shows emotional intelligence and commitment to being the best person they can be.
My personal theory for why women end up with more sensitive guys for their second husband is that, when women are subconsciously looking to mate and breed, they go for more “alpha” guys that may also be more self-absorbed. They are also younger, and more concerned about what their friends and family may think when they are choosing a first husband, and so they may subconsciously pick a more conventionally “confident” guy. Shyer or more sensitive women may also be looking to compensate for their own perceived deficiencies by picking a guy who can coach Little League or host a party, so that their kids can have at least one extroverted parent. Frequently, they end up feeling misunderstood or dismissed by this guy, over time. But, after women have divorced, and they don’t want any more kids and don’t care what others think, they frequently go for men who are more sensitive and with whom they may share more of an emotional and intellectual bond (which also often translates into great sex). This is the time that the Highly Sensitive guy can really shine.
Of course, a sensitive guy that also tends toward social anxiety and depression, and therefore avoid dating situations, is not going to find a partner before he works on these issues. And a guy who is still in denial about his own contribution to the failure of his first marriage is not going to be as attractive a candidate for a new woman. Working with a therapist can facilitate a deeper understanding of your own contributions to your divorce, and can allow you to move forward with greater knowledge of your own quirks and flaws, as well as how your upbringing led to certain patterns and expectations in your marriage.
Also, working with a therapist and/or a psychiatrist (no shame in meds, although if you’re on the dating market, make sure to mention that you would like to try antidepressants that have fewer sexual side effects), can help you with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or unresolved childhood trauma issues. All of this work will make you a much better partner to your eventual new spouse, if you want one, but most important, will help you heal and be the best person (and parent, if applicable) that you can be.
Share this post with a guy in your life that needs some cheering up post-divorce. Or, if you’re a sensitive guy in a marriage that talking, reading, and counseling hasn’t helped to change, perhaps this article can give you the confidence to know that you may in fact find new love after divorce. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Life Can Be Fair Sometimes!
For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussion about these kinds of issues!
Post-Divorce, Sensitive Guys Get More Women
Samantha Rodman Whiten — December 11, 20160 2
Many clients come to see me when they are in the midst of divorce or separation, and others come in when struggling with the decision to leave a difficult marriage. A constant worry that is voiced by both men and women is, “Will I ever find someone else?” The fear of being alone, or regretting that you left the one person who would have tolerated or loved you, is powerful. It can keep people trapped in toxic, loveless marriages and long-term relationships. But, from what I see with the clients I work with, this fear is often completely unfounded.
For men, the world of post-divorce dating can in fact be a whirlwind of excitement, as I told this guy. The women they meet are older, less sexually anxious or reserved, more in touch with their bodies, and they are feeling post-divorce excitement themselves. I have had multiple male clients who were shocked by the amount of sexually willing partners that they found on dating sites or at singles events. And some of these women may also want relationships, ranging from friends with benefits to serious commitment. There has been no divorced male client that I’ve worked with that hasn’t had at least a few dates and a couple of sexual experiences within the first couple of months post-divorce, if they signed up for a dating site or app and messaged at least a few women. And by months I often mean weeks.
The guys I see are not wealthy, or rock stars, or the most amazingly charming men in the universe. But they do have one thing in common: they are all seeing a therapist. People who choose to start therapy are by definition more introspective and likely more sensitive than the average person. But you’re in luck, because if you’re reading an article about divorce, you’re also likely more introspective and sensitive than average. Divorced women are often divorced from guys that they considered self-absorbed or narcissistic. To these women, a guy who think about his feelings and tries to work on his flaws with a therapist is very appealing. It shows emotional intelligence and commitment to being the best person they can be.
My personal theory for why women end up with more sensitive guys for their second husband is that, when women are subconsciously looking to mate and breed, they go for more “alpha” guys that may also be more self-absorbed. They are also younger, and more concerned about what their friends and family may think when they are choosing a first husband, and so they may subconsciously pick a more conventionally “confident” guy. Shyer or more sensitive women may also be looking to compensate for their own perceived deficiencies by picking a guy who can coach Little League or host a party, so that their kids can have at least one extroverted parent. Frequently, they end up feeling misunderstood or dismissed by this guy, over time. But, after women have divorced, and they don’t want any more kids and don’t care what others think, they frequently go for men who are more sensitive and with whom they may share more of an emotional and intellectual bond (which also often translates into great sex). This is the time that the Highly Sensitive guy can really shine.
Of course, a sensitive guy that also tends toward social anxiety and depression, and therefore avoid dating situations, is not going to find a partner before he works on these issues. And a guy who is still in denial about his own contribution to the failure of his first marriage is not going to be as attractive a candidate for a new woman. Working with a therapist can facilitate a deeper understanding of your own contributions to your divorce, and can allow you to move forward with greater knowledge of your own quirks and flaws, as well as how your upbringing led to certain patterns and expectations in your marriage.
Also, working with a therapist and/or a psychiatrist (no shame in meds, although if you’re on the dating market, make sure to mention that you would like to try antidepressants that have fewer sexual side effects), can help you with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or unresolved childhood trauma issues. All of this work will make you a much better partner to your eventual new spouse, if you want one, but most important, will help you heal and be the best person (and parent, if applicable) that you can be.
Share this post with a guy in your life that needs some cheering up post-divorce. Or, if you’re a sensitive guy in a marriage that talking, reading, and counseling hasn’t helped to change, perhaps this article can give you the confidence to know that you may in fact find new love after divorce. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Life Can Be Fair Sometimes!
For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussion about these kinds of issues!
