|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 17, 2016 7:29:00 GMT -5
Father's Day is coming up. It's a repeat of last year, only this time I want to handle it better. My mind goes all over the map on just how to do that.
My " father in law (84 yrs old) " grandpa" lives with us. Separated for 9 yrs now from his wife," grandma". My wife and I have 6 teenage children together.
I get told, told not asked, that my wife's family are all meeting at a far away resteraunt to have Father's Day lunch/dinner for grandpa. I can come along. ( I overheard Grandpa telling his daughter, " why don't you invite GC to come along?" She said, " I plan on telling him about it".
She brought it up again this morning before going out the door. Just to tell me that Grandma called and invited herself and grandpa caved and wants her along, so she will be there. Since I wasn't asked anything, I didn't respond. I spoke about the dog instead.
Who is going to fix dinner for the 6 kids? While she is off running around with her Daddy all day? Dinner on Weekends are for her. I fix dinner the other 5 days? ( they are old enough to take care of themselves, they do lunch and breakfast for themselves for years)
more part of this detached no communication crap!
same thing happened last year. My wife took Grandpa out for breakfast, invited one or two of the children, took grandpa out for lunch, posted pictures on Fakebook, about how much she loves her daddy! ( not a single person or relative asks why aren't you with the father of your children?)
lasts year I told myself, " screw this! I don't want to spend one moment of my Father's Day with a detached rejector controller!" I took my kids to a movie, and out for dinner while she was all with her daddy!"
I also know that come her birthday, Mother's Day, etc... I want to do very little for her. Whatever I can to help the children. Buy things take them places. Not much else.
Here's the hard part to put into words. I can go and mow lawns, I can go and usher at church,stay late, I could go to the beach and bring my daughters, I could go for a long ride some where. I could tell my wife how I feel about the whole thing. I will sound angry, it will land on deaf ears. I know I am going to pull the plug in a few months anyways? Then comes the passive aggressive part of me that I struggle with. I think that's exactly what I am doing again. Avoiding the whole thing. Then I tell myself why even try when the history is so obvious?
What's the best way to handle it, this year?
Feel free to share your story about what Fathers Day will be like in your SM!
|
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Jun 17, 2016 7:36:26 GMT -5
GC - just do something you want to do with the kids. Don't worry about what she is or isn't doing at all.
|
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Jun 17, 2016 7:42:36 GMT -5
Whoa!
This says a lot about your relationship with your wife. She won't even invite or try to drag you and the kids to see their grandpa?
It's Father's Day, so you should spend it with your children. Have a picnic. Go to the beach. Go to the zoo. Play games with them. My son and I each have our own puppets, and we play together that way. Whatever you do, leave the wife behind! Don't even think of her! Just enjoy the kids.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 17, 2016 8:06:38 GMT -5
Whoa! This says a lot about your relationship with your wife. She won't even invite or try to drag you and the kids to see their grandpa? It's Father's Day, so you should spend it with your children. Have a picnic. Go to the beach. Go to the zoo. Play games with them. My son and I each have our own puppets, and we play together that way. Whatever you do, leave the wife behind! Don't even think of her! Just enjoy the kids. Thanks friend! Grandpa lives with us, one wall away from where I sit, 24/7. The only one who will be dragged anywhere is me, so I can be her token trophy. It would be so tempting, the moment any of them ask me, " how are you?" Well... You can imagine if I ever gave an honest answer. I'm too nice a guy for that! My four older sons don't enjoy being with me, they avoid me. They are too rapped up in their "league of Legends" games, and texting people on their phones. Any time I try to disrupt it I am the bad guy. My wife paints this picture of, I see nothing wrong with it, choose your battles, you get too angry, let them enjoy it, there not hurting anybody, as long as they get their school work done ( which they don't, and very little housework) (it wasn't that way until the teenage years came, and all the endless days glued to a computer or a phone) fortunately my my younger daughter does not want to be like them, and wants to go out and do stuff. My other daughter is quickly falling down the computer hole and is all into her " legoland games". i would like to do something with all of them, it rarely happens. I will have a day with one if that is what it takes. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 17, 2016 8:07:37 GMT -5
Your missus has managed to behave herself right in to a position of irrelevance (apart from the shit she is going to give you when you split) so suit yourself what you do.
The lawns won't die if you give them a miss, , the church won't collapse if you don't usher, the beach sounds ok (sans kids), so does a long ride some where.
Suit yourself.
But whatever you do, do it for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 17, 2016 8:16:03 GMT -5
Your missus has managed to behave herself right in to a position of irrelevance (apart from the shit she is going to give you when you split) so suit yourself what you do. The lawns won't die if you give them a miss, , the church won't collapse if you don't usher, the beach sounds ok (sans kids), so does a long ride some where. Suit yourself. But whatever you do, do it for you. That's where I have to be " careful". What "I" would really want is an intimate, romantic, fun filled day. With a woman who desires me! ( that's not going to happen, because I am not going to find, or involve someone else in all this crap) honestly...holidays, special occasions, anniversaries, ....all about silly greeting cards! |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 17, 2016 8:20:19 GMT -5
It's Father's Day - spend the day with your children.
Do something fun and don't even mention it to her.
Take them out to eat so there's no burden of cooking on you. Take pictures with the kids and make memories that count. Your wife has pretty much put the writing on the wall in many ways. Maybe this is a sign that it's time to start the process of divorce. What a nice Father's Day gift that would be to retain an attorney.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2016 9:58:01 GMT -5
greatcoastal, your deal has some parallels to mine. My FIL and MIL separated (never divorced -- MIL kicked him out of the house) before I met my wife. It was always strange explaining their strange relationship to other folks. "Are they married?" My FIL was a total Asshole for his whole life -- drinking, brawling, gambling, not working, etc. -- and I understand how that jaded the shit out of my MIL over the years until she had enough and threw him out. It was all a very sad story. But, my FIL was a Korean War Marine Corps Veteran, so I had a very soft place in my heart for him and nurtured a relationship. When his health failed, I cleaned up his little apartment (enough to gag a maggot on a gut wagon -- and totally gross out my wife and her sister to the point where they couldn't even enter it) and moved him into our house. He hated it there and it was very stressful on my wife, so as soon as he got well enough to leave, he did, but didn't take his medication and quickly landed in the hospital nearly dead. From there, I visited him regularly and picked him up (huge man) for high holidays and took my kids to visit him for Fathers Day, etc. He lived in the nursing home for 5+ years until he finally died last year at 87 years. Sometimes I would talk to him about his marriage. One of the things he told me was that as soon as MIL kicked him out of the house, his stomach problems cleared up and he felt much better. I sensed he knew I was dealing with the same things he did -- albeit better -- but that his daughter was her mothers daughter. Strangely she's probably more of her father's daughter. GC, your situation breaks my heart. It blows really bad. 50 times worse than mine. All I can come up with is that you're fucked in a really bad way. My wife asked me what I wanted to do for Fathers Day this weekend. I really don't know. I have a bunch of stuff to do around the house. My kids (15 yo twins -- boy and girl) do a lot of the phone and computer stuff, but they're always ready and willing to get out and do stuff with me. Maybe we'll take the dirt bikes out. My daughter loves making videos/vlogs about stuff, and the dirt biking is something that garners a lot of attention for a 15 year old girl. She's begging me to help her edit up a fun biking vlog issue for posting to YouTube. I have to do that with her. When I get it done -- and she posts it -- I may post a link to it here. Maybe that IS a good thing to do for Fathers Day. BTW: There's a local Hare Scramble (type of dirt bike race) that occurs on Mother's Day every year. I can never race in that one. WHY in the world don't they move that one to Father's Day?
|
|
|
|
Post by iceman on Jun 17, 2016 10:34:40 GMT -5
It's Fathers Day and you're a father so you should spend time with your kids. If the W doesn't want to that's her issue. I realize you're not her father and her father is still around so she needs to do something for him. It's just sad that it seems to be an either/or thing with her. It would be nice if perhaps everybody could do something together at some point during the day. A multi-generational Fathers Day event. Doesn't have to be the whole day and each father could then do something with their respective children alone.
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Jun 17, 2016 10:52:24 GMT -5
GC: please give this letter to your children.
Dear children of GC,
You are teenagers, heading toward young adulthood. I suspect your parents have been teaching you all along how to do things to take care of yourselves; it is their job to teach you to how to eat healthy, manage your money, keep your body and environs clean. They don't do this for them, they do this for YOU. YOU need these skill to make it in the world. You have viewed these things as "mom and dad's rules", but they are simply realities of the world itself.
Hopefully, you have most of these basics down pat... because there is more you need to learn. You need to learn that others need you, too. You have to take care of your family. Tease your siblings a bit if you must, but love them, help them. And: love and help your parents, too.
As you were growing up, your parents have probably helped you celebrate friends birthdays by driving you to the party, and even purchasing a present for you to give them. You didn't know it, but you should have been learning from this: one way you honor/celebrate your friends on special days is doing and/or giving them something thoughtful.
You are old enough to start doing this yourself. Next birthday party you are invited to, use some of your money -- not your parents money -- to buy them a gift. Don't have a lot of money? Buy what you can afford, just make it special -- something you know they will like (however small) will show you like/appreciate them. Don't have the dough? Do something nice for them instead.
It is quite possible your parents have helped you commemorate Mother's Day or Father's Day in the past by buying you a card to sign and give to the other parent. And/or a gift, and/or planning and doing something nice. But -- look -- you are old enough to do this on your own now. It is not your dad's responsibility to do something nice for YOUR MOTHER. After all, she is not *his* mother! That falls on you.
Hint: Father's Day is coming up. Your dad does TONS for you. What are you going to do for your dad to show him how much love and care you have for him?
Your mom wants to spend the day with her father as a gesture of her care for him. Great. Let her. You should focus on YOUR DAD.
At a minimum: cook for him and clean up the kitchen when you are done. (This probably doesn't cost anything, as he probably already has the food in the house.) Or, if you have the money, you can take him out. Or maybe a simple breakfast (just cereal) and take him out to the park or a movie. You know him better than I do; please, discuss it with your siblings and DO SOMETHING.
Even if she has done it in the past, this is NOT your mother's job to marshal you to do this thing for your father; after all, your father is not her father.
If you haven't planned anything yet, get cracking. You've got 36 hours. Pool your brains, pool your cash, do something nice. If you don't normally "work together well", well, try at least doing that. Even that will be a gift to him.
Cordially,
A friend of your father
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 17, 2016 11:00:04 GMT -5
GC - just do something you want to do with the kids. Don't worry about what she is or isn't doing at all. That is my second choice. Ever since we had more than three children and our move to a different state, my first choice of "Marriage first "has been met with avoidance, guilt, rejection. It ends up being all about " the family!". You can not relive the past. The past had a day with family, then an evening with the marriage. That ship sank over 14 yrs ago! Even fun times with the kids, has me looking over my shoulder, wondering, when will there be intimate adult, times again. This detached SM of a marriage makes time with the kids almost a burden. Sad to say! That's not who I am but the depression brings it out. |
|
|
|
Post by nyartgal on Jun 17, 2016 12:22:05 GMT -5
I know that they are teenagers, but still---there seems to be something seriously wrong when they can't put down the video games for five minutes to spend Father's Day with you. There has to be some activity you all enjoy. Confiscate those phones for the afternoon and force them to communicate. Who cares if they complain?
It seems to me that they have learned a lot from watching your marriage: that it's okay to coexist in the same house without communicating or showing warmth to the other, that your feelings don't matter, that no one needs to be bothered caring about anyone else but themselves unless they feel like it.
But it's not too late to get through to them. Why not sit them down and actually TALK about your needs and your feelings? Why not tell them that you miss spending time with them without the phones and the video games? That soon they will be off on their own and you won't be able to get this time back? That relationships are a two way street, it's not just about you giving and them getting?
I don't think it's fair to expect kids to understand these things if you don't model the behaviors you want them to copy or actively teach them human relationship skills. We live in a culture that's all "me me me" and it takes a lot of work to try and counteract that. Especially with teenagers!!
Re: your wife, I would try to let it go at this point because you're out of there soon! She's completely insensitive and self-absorbed (see modeling behavior for your children above), and nothing you can say will change that, now or ever.
|
|
sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by sufferinhubby on Jun 17, 2016 13:32:15 GMT -5
SM screws up everything and only makes holidays like Father's Day feel depressing. I understand to a certain extent how your wife wants to spend Father's Day with her father. It's actually not called "Husband's Day" (although there is a double standard on Mother's Day).
Don't let your wife screw up your Father's Day. Mine would screw mine up but I took control of it. I have a ritual I like to do. I drive an hour away to a town I really like and eat lunch in their Microbrew - and I usually bring my kids. When my wife suggests I break my ritual to honor her father (which she often does) I respond "Hey, this is my day too and this is how I like to spend it". I have learned to expect nothing from her. Expecting anything from our frigid little ice princesses on OUR day is setting ourselves up for disappointment. Spend your day in your own way!
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Jun 17, 2016 14:00:59 GMT -5
SM screws up everything and only makes holidays like Father's Day feel depressing. Father's Day doesn't depress me in the least. Don't get me STARTED about Valentines Day... |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2016 14:23:16 GMT -5
greatcoastal I'm with JMX on this. Just do whatever YOU want to do with the kids for Father's Day. You don't need anyone's permission to do something. As for the meals, pick up something at the deli (Publix mojo chicken is my drug of choice) some other non-cook sides and have a picnic with your kids. As for her birthday and other holidays, just get a generic card, sign your name and call it done. I don't want this to sound mean, but why are you expending energy brainstorming to death what she may/may not be feeling and/or thinking? Aren't you exhausted from it? STOP. How is that feeding your soul and relationship with the kids? As I said before, you don't need to ask her permission to do anything with the kids. Does it suck that you're putting together your own fun and the meal for what should be YOUR day? Of course. But, you need to ask yourself whether you and the kids would be better served by doing another movie (Dad and kids outing) or worrying yourself into a tizzy thinking about what your w might do with her parents. Try saying this, "have fun with your dad." Then walk away, pick up the car keys, load the kids into the car and have your own Father's Day.
|
|
