Post by baza on Jun 16, 2016 23:04:50 GMT -5
Might be worth your while reading past stories "Dysfunctional Marriage Does Your Head In" - then "What's Next ?" - then "Owning Your Choices" to put this post, "Choosing" in to relevant context.
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At this stage I am assuming that you are struggling with the concept of owning your choice to stay, and still find yourself drifting back in to "victim" thinking.
That's perfectly understandable, but it isn't going to get you anywhere.
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What might help tip your thinking over is to forget about *your* situation for a bit, and instead take a good look at some other posts.
And, evaluate those stories, and come up with *your* recommendation as to the posters potential way forward.
You can (I'd imagine) be completely objective about someone else's situation, because *you* don't have any emotional stake in that situation.
You can look at the situation as described and sort out the facts, and make an objective assessment based on those facts.
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This - evaluating situations based on the facts - is the key to the whole thing, whether we are talking about someone else's situation, or indeed our own situation.
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You might try this.
Dig out your original story, and make a minor alteration to it.
Delete your name, and insert "Joe from Bumfuck Idaho" as the author instead.
Take a step backward, then ----
---- Read the story now. Mebbe several, or many times.
What would you say to Joe / Joette ???
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This suggestion is to try and help you to release the emotion out of the emotional balloon, as far as you are currently able to, and deal with the facts. And only the facts.
You might find it helpful to read comments on stories too.
Invariably, commenters have no emotional stake in the OP's story and generally make objective comments.
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This switch, from subjective thinking to objective thinking is not easy. It is actually extremely challenging, and is not something you are going to be able to do "instantly", but with practice, it IS possible. (if you want to see this in action, I can think of no better example than the run of stories by Sister JMX, and I'd highly recommend that you read her run of stories from go to whoa).
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By dealing with the facts, and only the facts, you can see your situation for what it is, as oppossed to what you'd like it to be or what you wish it was, or what you hope it could potentially be.
You will have clarity, and most likely a very unpleasant clarity.
You'll probably need to sit with that a bit - it really takes some digesting.
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Meanwhile, you are (hopefully) progressing in your acceptance that you own your choice to have stayed, and your victim thinking is starting to abate, and a point will be arrived at where it is time to revise that choice.
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By now, you will have seen a lawyer in your jurisdiction and established how a divorce would shake out for you. You will have an exit strategy pretty well developed, hopefully to "do-able" status. You will have attended to your support network. You will have diligently researched how to help kids (if any) transition through such an event.
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You have full knowledge of what staying in your situation involves - in fact, you've been living that in real time and require no more research into the consequences of that choice.
And, from your prep work (lawyer etc as above) you have a pretty good handle on what's going to be involved in a divorce scenario, and the immediate aftermath that follows.
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You are prepared as well as you can be.
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Now comes the bit that no-one else can do for you.
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You choose.
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You re-affirm your choice to stay - a perfectly legitimate choice - and you own it.
You choose to leave - also a perfectly legitimate choice - and you own it.
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But the building blocks are these -
#1 - Taking ownership. Accepting that it has been your choice to stay in the situation
#2 - Being objective. Assessing your situation on the facts.
-
In my opinion, if you do #1 and #2, the outcome will look after itself.
-
Feel free to kick the shit out of this, but I personally don't think there are any shortcuts around #1 and #2.
-
At this stage I am assuming that you are struggling with the concept of owning your choice to stay, and still find yourself drifting back in to "victim" thinking.
That's perfectly understandable, but it isn't going to get you anywhere.
-
What might help tip your thinking over is to forget about *your* situation for a bit, and instead take a good look at some other posts.
And, evaluate those stories, and come up with *your* recommendation as to the posters potential way forward.
You can (I'd imagine) be completely objective about someone else's situation, because *you* don't have any emotional stake in that situation.
You can look at the situation as described and sort out the facts, and make an objective assessment based on those facts.
-
This - evaluating situations based on the facts - is the key to the whole thing, whether we are talking about someone else's situation, or indeed our own situation.
-
You might try this.
Dig out your original story, and make a minor alteration to it.
Delete your name, and insert "Joe from Bumfuck Idaho" as the author instead.
Take a step backward, then ----
---- Read the story now. Mebbe several, or many times.
What would you say to Joe / Joette ???
-
This suggestion is to try and help you to release the emotion out of the emotional balloon, as far as you are currently able to, and deal with the facts. And only the facts.
You might find it helpful to read comments on stories too.
Invariably, commenters have no emotional stake in the OP's story and generally make objective comments.
-
This switch, from subjective thinking to objective thinking is not easy. It is actually extremely challenging, and is not something you are going to be able to do "instantly", but with practice, it IS possible. (if you want to see this in action, I can think of no better example than the run of stories by Sister JMX, and I'd highly recommend that you read her run of stories from go to whoa).
-
By dealing with the facts, and only the facts, you can see your situation for what it is, as oppossed to what you'd like it to be or what you wish it was, or what you hope it could potentially be.
You will have clarity, and most likely a very unpleasant clarity.
You'll probably need to sit with that a bit - it really takes some digesting.
-
Meanwhile, you are (hopefully) progressing in your acceptance that you own your choice to have stayed, and your victim thinking is starting to abate, and a point will be arrived at where it is time to revise that choice.
-
By now, you will have seen a lawyer in your jurisdiction and established how a divorce would shake out for you. You will have an exit strategy pretty well developed, hopefully to "do-able" status. You will have attended to your support network. You will have diligently researched how to help kids (if any) transition through such an event.
-
You have full knowledge of what staying in your situation involves - in fact, you've been living that in real time and require no more research into the consequences of that choice.
And, from your prep work (lawyer etc as above) you have a pretty good handle on what's going to be involved in a divorce scenario, and the immediate aftermath that follows.
-
You are prepared as well as you can be.
-
Now comes the bit that no-one else can do for you.
-
You choose.
-
You re-affirm your choice to stay - a perfectly legitimate choice - and you own it.
You choose to leave - also a perfectly legitimate choice - and you own it.
-
But the building blocks are these -
#1 - Taking ownership. Accepting that it has been your choice to stay in the situation
#2 - Being objective. Assessing your situation on the facts.
-
In my opinion, if you do #1 and #2, the outcome will look after itself.
-
Feel free to kick the shit out of this, but I personally don't think there are any shortcuts around #1 and #2.