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Post by brabbit on Jul 26, 2024 7:14:01 GMT -5
I found this board via a Medium post, and as this issue has been on my mind constantly, I figured I would go ahead and write my first post and story. So, erm… yeah. Here goes.
I am a 42 (F) who has been with my husband for nearly 18 years now, and I am in a frustrating situation. We fired on all cylinders from the very beginning. We are both creatives, wicked intelligent, and we have a ton in common.
We’ve settled in as homebodies, spending most of our weekends gaming with each other and enjoying one another’s company. We have just enough differences between us to keep conversations interesting and passionate, and he is my absolute best friend. We laugh together all the time… we are in a solid relationship, and I am absolutely in love with him, and he has expressed the same.
There is intimacy in our relationship. I’m constantly pawing him; he will tuck me in at night before sleep on the weekends and always ensures when he gets home from work each night (he works second shift) that he stops and gives me a cuddle and kiss before going on about his night. We hold hands like otters when we sleep and even trade rocks. We are disgustingly romantic in all the right areas. We just seem to have an issue turning that intimacy into sexual intimacy, and I am at a loss.
Sex was a bit of a struggle, even from the very beginning. I figured I just had a higher drive. I am not saying that I wanted it multiple times a day; I can very easily settle into once a week or compromise to once a month because the intimacy elsewhere makes up for it, but it has been almost 3 years now.
Part of the issue is he works the second shift, and I, for the longest time, worked 1st until I left my corporate gig not too long ago (at his encouragement as the job was murdering my soul) and decided to take a full break from work for a bit to get my head together and get over burnout. However, because of these shift differences, the time we were able to see each other was regulated to the weekends just like everything else, and there is so much that needs to be stuffed into a weekend, including downtime, just to recover from the workweek. So, I never overly pushed for sex, and I took what I could get and was happy for it.
Another issue is there is an age difference between us with him being older. Something I did give full consideration to and understood the risk to a degree. It is why I am cool with capping my sexual needs to a once-a-month affair. I can live with that and be happy.
When we were younger, many of our sexual encounters with one another were on the tail end of some social engagement we had (we used to host a ton of house parties) after we both indulged in alcohol. I started noticing that that seemed to be the only time he would initiate things between us, and I started to resent it. One, I don’t really enjoy getting busy while under the influence. I’m mostly just looking to lay down my head and sleep, and two, it felt like his inhibitions needed to be lowered in order to touch me in that way, and I resented it. Did a huge number on my ego. I voiced these concerns, and he stopped, and well… it all just stopped.
I have tried different ploys, and we have discussed this issue on a few occasions, and he has told me it’s not me; it’s him. There is some depression at play there, mismatched work schedules, and low self-esteem on his end… my end, too, if I am being honest. All things I accept and understand, but then he doesn’t lift a finger to try and work on anything on his end, and I feel like I am doing a ton of heavy lifting with nothing to show for it.
I’m not even comfortable bringing up this issue anymore because it’s starting to feel akin to begging, and there is this nugget in the back of my mind I am trying not to grow where I worry that if we do have sex, it’s going to be a ‘pity fuck’ on his end. Yeah… my pride is taking a beating.
The thing is, this is not the first relationship in which lack of sex was an issue. It’s one of the reasons I left my first husband, who once told me after I attempted to engage with him sexually after a few months of going dry that he “wasn’t a machine.” I just… I am at a loss. I’m not a supermodel walking around here, but by our societal beauty standards, I am attractive, and I bring a lot to the table, but my self-esteem is getting shredded.
However, when speaking with my sister and my girlfriends, this seems to be a common trend. Every single last woman I know is having this issue where her partner is just not interested in sex. That makes me feel better about my situation, but at the same time, it doesn’t because if this is such a widespread problem, then what hopes do I have to get out what I need?
So… yeah, I don’t know. The rejection is hurting me, but the relationship elsewhere is solid. There is a ton of love there, and it is not something I want to give up. I’m just at a loss. It feels that I was lied to by society on how men are sexual creatures that are never satisfied because, as far as I can see based on my past relationships and from what the women in my life have told me, men just don’t seem that interested in sex and if they’re not, where does leave me and the rest of us?
Sorry! I know this was a long and rambling word salad. Just frustrated, hurt, and confused and I have no idea what I am supposed to do or try next. I guess I just wanted to write it all down on paper… maybe see if there is something I overlooked, and get feedback.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 26, 2024 7:38:10 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum brabbit. If you look around a bit you can't help but see that roughly half the membership is composed of women, so don't feel like the lone ranger.
Before I can comment much I would like a bit more info. Just what is the age differance with your H? If he is approaching or in his 60's his libido is likely slowing down a bit more every day. Has he seen his doctor to find out if he has a low testerone or other medical issue? There are a # of medical conditions that will knock a man's desire down. But fortunately most of them, once identified, are treatable. If he is close or in his 60's he likely has low testerone as one such condition. This easily diagnosed and treated. Have you talked to him about why he is no longer initiating sex with you? Perhaps he has an ED concern and is embarrased. Again easily diagnosed and usually treatable with pills or hormone replacement. So 1st thing is to elimanate a medical condition being the problem. If you (he) have already looked into these medical issues and there is no propblem there then the members can addressw other possible area where the problem might lay.
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Post by brabbit on Jul 26, 2024 8:16:50 GMT -5
There is a 13-year age difference, and low T is absolutely an item we considered. He went to the doctor back in his 40s and was diagnosed with low T but didn’t follow through with anything. We returned back to the doctor again a few years later, and he was retested. The doctor said his levels were on the high side at that time, and nothing came of it. I suspect that 2nd visit was a fluke, and I do want him to be retested and then follow through with treatment, but getting him to the doctor is a massive pain because he works the second shift, and men… why do men fight us on the doctor visits!? *laughs* I can bring up the suggestion again.
ED is also something we have openly discussed and is not an issue as far as I could see, nor anything I would ever make him feel uncomfortable with because shit happens and we have always been very frank with one another on what our aging bodies are doing to us. *mutters* Aging is not for the faint of heart…
We have talked about the lack of sex throughout our relationship, as the imbalance between my wants and his wants was there from the beginning. We had one of those discussions again a few days ago after an incident, and I was told. A he still loves me and is in love with me. B he finds me sexually desirable. C it’s him and a cloud of depression he is dealing with. All things I believe and accept, except he has told me all these things before and if I am being frank, is lazy on doing the work he needs to do to try and address the things on his end.
For example, drilling down into possible low T issues. He absolutely thinks that is a big chunk of what is going on, but he can’t be bothered to make an appointment for himself or follow through with it. I understand that to a degree, given his sleep schedule because of 2nd shift work, but there is only so much I can do. I also suggested with this last talk that maybe he should look into mental health services, and he laughed and provided examples of how impossible that would be given his work schedule.
The problem, though, is that the work schedule is starting to look a lot like an excuse to avoid the labor he should be doing in addressing any physical or mental components that may be hindering things, and I resent being turned into a nag. To my core, I do not want to mother him on this.
However, given that we are fresh off our talk on this issue, I can use this moment to give him a hard push towards revisiting the doctor and getting retested, and having a full work-up. I will nudge him later when he wakes up and see where that goes.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 26, 2024 8:42:36 GMT -5
So H is roughly 55, low T is likely a part of the problem, but it could be thyroid or other things so a full workup really is what is called for.
His reluctance or perhaps refusal to see a doctor does not bode well. It speaks to his real lack of interest in pleasing you sexually. A man that wants to please his W between the sheets will leap over tall buildings to make it happen.
Work schedule excuse doesn't cut it. An early morning appointment will have him back home well before time to head to work. If that means losing a couple hours sleep so what? I'll trade a couple hours sleep for a piece of p*ssy any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
One other positive on addressing low T. Not only is the sexual component addressed, but the over all of feeling healthy is a real positive to a man.
Good luck,...and don't take no for an answer.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jul 26, 2024 9:00:12 GMT -5
I recommend him getting a full panel check done and detailed testosterone and estrogen panel as well. For the last 15 years or so My T levels had shut down without me realizing the issue (turning 60 on Tuesday), it caused a HOST of multiple issues from pelvic pain, anger issues, depression, ED and general irritability (lookup miserable husband syndrome). He may realize he has zero libido or anxiety around intercourse and thus is avoiding it. First step for anyone is to get your physical health checked thoroughly first before attributing it to emotional, attachment or psychological issues.
Some psychological issues and old attachment patterns can develop or crop back up from your past due to the simple issues from off balance hormones (you tend to run home to the old familiar survival patterns you may not even be aware of).
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Post by brabbit on Jul 27, 2024 7:23:31 GMT -5
We had a nice long chat about getting another work-up done. I was also mistaken; when he was first diagnosed with low T all those years ago, he did do the shots for a time, but it was short-lived for insurance reasons. So, I do need to make that clarifying point because there was an effort on his part in the beginning that I just didn't remember. So, that is my bad. The second attempt at this was the fluke visit, and he agreed he thinks his levels testing high in that instance was an error; however, drilling into it is time-consuming, and this particular doctor we had tends to leave you waiting in the room for a few hours. He's very good, and I don't mind the wait because he does take the time to really get to the crux of things, however, my husband does not appreciate having his day eaten up like that, especially as he would have to go elsewhere to have testing done and return back to Dr. Make-you-wait-forever to review the results, and the effort started feeling too much on his part, especially, as he was willing to live with how he currently feels. Not realizing the number it was starting to do on me.
But! I expressed how important this was to me and how shit it is to not have those needs met while I played all the roles that are expected of me, and he agreed. So, he is dumping the doctor we currently use. I hunted down a new one for him, and he is making an appointment on Monday. Will see how that all goes.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jul 27, 2024 7:39:05 GMT -5
Daily gel works really well, and is way less expensive if you have insurance coverage.
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Post by toughtiger on Jul 28, 2024 1:23:11 GMT -5
If this was a problem for him i bet the visits would have already happened...I have come right out and asked my spouse why he has zero interest in even repairing anything in the area of intimacy... he seems to not even miss any kind of intimacy...
It is not about the time for appointment/ not about the doctor most likely just kicking the can down the road maybe afraid it wont work or maybe he just sees no need.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jul 28, 2024 2:26:32 GMT -5
Welcome, brabbit.
I never bought the "it's not you; it's me" bit. Of COURSE you know it's not you. That's a common response given which means zero, but I guess refusers think this somehow excuses them from one of the very important vows that they took. I also don't subscribe to the the low T excuse. It sounds like he functions pretty well when he's drunk, which should only add to the problem in most cases. I had the same issue in my SM. She would have to get primed by drinking a bottle of wine beforehand. Does wonders for your self-esteem.
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Post by toughtiger on Jul 28, 2024 14:40:08 GMT -5
Welcome, brabbit. I never bought the "it's not you; it's me" bit. Of COURSE you know it's not you. That's a common response given which means zero, but I guess refusers think this somehow excuses them from one of the very important vows that they took. I also don't subscribe to the the low T excuse. It sounds like he functions pretty well when he's drunk, which should only add to the problem in most cases. I had the same issue in my SM. She would have to get primed by drinking a bottle of wine beforehand. Does wonders for your self-esteem. I would have to concur with deadzone75 ..... if drinking helps either male or female it is a problem in their head .... not a physical problem. I can not see why so many refusing partners just cannot be honest with us ... tell us we no longer do it for them they are NOT attracted to us... or whatever. Excuses are worthless if they are not true. I have been working on my reactions and see that what really gets to me.......it is not his non- function but his attitude about the situation. "Nothing is wrong we are great" ......... LOL that is insulting to me ..... |
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 29, 2024 2:50:23 GMT -5
Greetings, brabbit. While I hope your husband can figure his health issues out, I am not optimistic, because he doesn't seem motivated. I can tell you, if my libido died I would put a lot of effort into figuring out how to revive it, and even more so if I had a willing and eager partner, which he certainly has in you. It isn't just the interest in sex, but, an interest in sharing those experiences with you for bonding and mutual happiness. There's a big problem if he isn't trying, and the lack of sex is only a symptom. If he can't fix his disinterest, you only have five options. 1. Stay, and be miserable. 2. Stay, and Push him to do things he doesn't want to do. 3. Stay, and get permission to have your needs met elsewhere. 4. Stay, but get your needs met without permission. 5. Leave, because the relationship isn't meeting your needs. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 29, 2024 9:26:04 GMT -5
Welcome, brabbit. I never bought the "it's not you; it's me" bit. Of COURSE you know it's not you. That's a common response given which means zero, but I guess refusers think this somehow excuses them from one of the very important vows that they took. I also don't subscribe to the the low T excuse. It sounds like he functions pretty well when he's drunk, which should only add to the problem in most cases. I had the same issue in my SM. She would have to get primed by drinking a bottle of wine beforehand. Does wonders for your self-esteem. I would have to concur with deadzone75 ..... if drinking helps either male or female it is a problem in their head .... not a physical problem. I can not see why so many refusing partners just cannot be honest with us ... tell us we no longer do it for them they are NOT attracted to us... or whatever. Excuses are worthless if they are not true. I have been working on my reactions and see that what really gets to me.......it is not his non- function but his attitude about the situation. "Nothing is wrong we are great" ......... LOL that is insulting to me ..... It's very insulting isn't it? Typical " stick your head in the sand mentality" and expecting your spouse to accept it. I read articles about how women ( and some men) can just turn the 'sex/intimacy' switch off and emasculate the man and have no guilt or remorse and just feel like they have every right to " detach" themselves because " It's all their partners fault!!!". ( lots of blame shifting) Their way of coping with their own fears, mistakes, fallacies, problems, and insecurities!I remember during marriage therapy my now ex proudly ( almost joyfully ) announcing " I detached myself from you years ago" without an once of empathy or remorse. Most men get blindsided by this when their Wife announces "where done". And then comes the guilt and suicide. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jul 29, 2024 10:51:14 GMT -5
Very common, I got the "I am not in love with you anymore" speech to be followed in Therapy with I emotionally divorced you 10 years ago.... So, she is comfortable taking from me, faking everything except the sex we aren't having - expecting Wife treatment, but holding it secret within herself that she had divorced me and was just using me for her own safety and security needs.
I couldn't begin to tell you how many men face this. Can't speak for Women who face the same issue - but understanding this now makes the withdrawal and sexless relationship clear - she had already divorced me, so not touching me was easy. Every day was her going through the motions and reaffirming her internal contempt with addressing why she was closed off - provided the false justification for holding contempt and distance which give her avoidant walled off need the fuel to sustain her feeling of "safety"
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Post by sundayblue0071 on Aug 3, 2024 0:23:27 GMT -5
Another issue is there is an age difference between us with him being older. Something I did give full consideration to and understood the risk to a degree. It is why I am cool with capping my sexual needs to a once-a-month affair. I can live with that and be happy. When we were younger, many of our sexual encounters with one another were on the tail end of some social engagement we had (we used to host a ton of house parties) after we both indulged in alcohol. I started noticing that that seemed to be the only time he would initiate things between us, and I started to resent it. One, I don’t really enjoy getting busy while under the influence. I’m mostly just lo However, when speaking with my sister and my girlfriends, this seems to be a common trend. Every single last woman I know is having this issue where her partner is just not interested in sex. That makes me feel better about my situation, but at the same time, it doesn’t because if this is such a widespread problem, then what hopes do I have to get out what I need? I'm 10 years older than my wife. I'm 57. And my sex drive is flying off the roof. My wife already went through menopause and she's 46. Her sex drive is pretty dead. She's possibly looking into hormonal therapy. I hope she does try it. You talk about widespread problem? There are issues with both genders, brabbit. It's not always the typical "man craves more sex than his wife" bit. And you're an example where you're not getting enough sexual intimacy from your husband. I dated a woman once in her late 40's and she was married to a man whom she loved for some 12+ years but he never touched her. He had zero interest in sex. She went crazy and finally divorced him. I lit her up life while we were together but then I found her too neurotic and ended the relationship. Whatever happens for you, always know that the "widespread problem" is there for both genders. I crave a woman with a strong sex drive right now. And she's nowhere to be found for me. Instead, I visit the local cathouse. It doesn't satisfy my need for intimacy. But it does briefly satisfy my lust. |
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Post by brabbit on Aug 4, 2024 4:58:16 GMT -5
Another issue is there is an age difference between us with him being older. Something I did give full consideration to and understood the risk to a degree. It is why I am cool with capping my sexual needs to a once-a-month affair. I can live with that and be happy. When we were younger, many of our sexual encounters with one another were on the tail end of some social engagement we had (we used to host a ton of house parties) after we both indulged in alcohol. I started noticing that that seemed to be the only time he would initiate things between us, and I started to resent it. One, I don’t really enjoy getting busy while under the influence. I’m mostly just lo However, when speaking with my sister and my girlfriends, this seems to be a common trend. Every single last woman I know is having this issue where her partner is just not interested in sex. That makes me feel better about my situation, but at the same time, it doesn’t because if this is such a widespread problem, then what hopes do I have to get out what I need? I'm 10 years older than my wife. I'm 57. And my sex drive is flying off the roof. My wife already went through menopause and she's 46. Her sex drive is pretty dead. She's possibly looking into hormonal therapy. I hope she does try it. You talk about widespread problem? There are issues with both genders, brabbit. It's not always the typical "man craves more sex than his wife" bit. And you're an example where you're not getting enough sexual intimacy from your husband. I dated a woman once in her late 40's and she was married to a man whom she loved for some 12+ years but he never touched her. He had zero interest in sex. She went crazy and finally divorced him. I lit her up life while we were together but then I found her too neurotic and ended the relationship. Whatever happens for you, always know that the "widespread problem" is there for both genders. I crave a woman with a strong sex drive right now. And she's nowhere to be found for me. Instead, I visit the local cathouse. It doesn't satisfy my need for intimacy. But it does briefly satisfy my lust. I just wanted to chime in as someone who is going through peri-menopause herself and whose libido took a nose dive. I started taking the progesterone cream, and it was a HUGE benefit. Not only libido-wise (and starting to regret my choices there *laughs) but also all the other related symptoms. Women really got screwed when it came to HRT because of a skewed study and lack of study that it has been neglected by our healthcare experts for decades and is still relatively difficult to get started on. However, the overall benefits are massive from my understanding. One saving grace about the progesterone cream is that stuff is sold over the counter, so even if you have to fight your doctor for the rest of it, you can still get started on that stuff, and at least for me it killed all my menopausal symptoms (hot flashes, anxiety, weight gain, low libido, etc.) so something worth looking into. |
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