Post by jaimereyes on Jul 18, 2024 9:52:42 GMT -5
Hello Everyone,
I just joined yesterday.
I've been in a sexless relationship off and on for about 17 years. I've been married 15 years now. The sexlessness has been due various reasons over the years. Early in our relationship, when we were in our 20s, sex was frequent (about 2-3 times a week). Then, my then-girlfriend became depressed due to deaths of older relatives. I tried to be emotionally supportive of her grief and flexible with sex because I knew that she wasn't feeling it. Then a few weeks would pass. I would initiate and she would say she wasn't in the mood. Months would pass and I remember having our first talk. I would empathize with her sadness and share that I missed the physical and emotional connection. She would say that I just have to be patient. Eventually we would have sporadic sex again and I felt optimistic that things were turning around.
A year or so would pass and we were engaged. Unfortunately, she began to develop panic attacks and severe anxiety. It was hard to see her suffering and I felt helpless. I supported her the best I could. I took her to therapy appointments, psychiatry appointments, and other medical appointments. This would be the start of almost a year of no sex. Again, I knew she was suffering and checked in with her to see if there was any interest in sex. She asked for patience. I did what I could and rarely initiated. Eventually, the anxiety began to subside, and we began to have infrequent sex.
About a year into marriage, we began trying to have a child. Sex was super frequent. It was amazing!! However, for better or worse, I guess we were highly fertile and she was pregnant within a month.
Next came almost 3 years of complete sexlessness. I completely understand no sex during pregnancy and post-partum, as well as infrequent sex during our child's first year. She shared feeling touched out being a new mother. I did what I could to take care of our child when she was feeling tired and I wasn't at work. On the weekends, I watched our baby while she would sleep in. I knew she was tired and I got a chance to really bond with our child.
Now during this near 3 year stretch, I know that I played a role in our sexlessness. My wife and my mother did not get along. I loved them both and would try to keep both happy. Sometimes that meant that my wife didn't feel supported. I'm sure this saga could be its own long post, but I'lll try to keep it brief. I would tell my mother to respect my wife and my marriage, but my wife didn't always see that, so it looked like to my wife that I was probably taking my mother's side more than hers. It was a challenging time, as my mother didn't want me in the marriage, and my wife wanted me to break off communication with my parents. We did have reduced contact with my parents and my mother eventually got her act together and was more respectful. It took a couple years for my wife and I to reconcile this aspect of our marriage.
Sex improved again for the next few years. Maybe sex every couple of weeks. This went on for about 3 years or so. I would initiate more often, but she was usually tired or not feeling well. It wasn't great, but doable. I did my best to manage the hurt feelings when she said no. We would have talks of increasing frequency, but she would usually say that she felt sorry that I wanted more, but I just had to be ok with it. I wouldn't make demands, but would ask how we could work together to make sex more appealing or help her get in the mood. We would go on dates. I'd help around the house and cook dinner on most days. She would say that there wasn't much to do and that she wasn't in charge of my orgasm.
Most recently, sex has been infrequent due to her being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. I completely understand her not wanting sex. She's not always physically well. She is medically managed and exercises regularly, but has shared that she doesn't want sex often. Perhaps, the hardest part is dealing with the guilt. I feel guilty for feeling lonely and wanting sex.
So, thanks to anybody who read this long essay. I'm grateful that there is a community for this and look forward to providing and receiving support!
I just joined yesterday.
I've been in a sexless relationship off and on for about 17 years. I've been married 15 years now. The sexlessness has been due various reasons over the years. Early in our relationship, when we were in our 20s, sex was frequent (about 2-3 times a week). Then, my then-girlfriend became depressed due to deaths of older relatives. I tried to be emotionally supportive of her grief and flexible with sex because I knew that she wasn't feeling it. Then a few weeks would pass. I would initiate and she would say she wasn't in the mood. Months would pass and I remember having our first talk. I would empathize with her sadness and share that I missed the physical and emotional connection. She would say that I just have to be patient. Eventually we would have sporadic sex again and I felt optimistic that things were turning around.
A year or so would pass and we were engaged. Unfortunately, she began to develop panic attacks and severe anxiety. It was hard to see her suffering and I felt helpless. I supported her the best I could. I took her to therapy appointments, psychiatry appointments, and other medical appointments. This would be the start of almost a year of no sex. Again, I knew she was suffering and checked in with her to see if there was any interest in sex. She asked for patience. I did what I could and rarely initiated. Eventually, the anxiety began to subside, and we began to have infrequent sex.
About a year into marriage, we began trying to have a child. Sex was super frequent. It was amazing!! However, for better or worse, I guess we were highly fertile and she was pregnant within a month.
Next came almost 3 years of complete sexlessness. I completely understand no sex during pregnancy and post-partum, as well as infrequent sex during our child's first year. She shared feeling touched out being a new mother. I did what I could to take care of our child when she was feeling tired and I wasn't at work. On the weekends, I watched our baby while she would sleep in. I knew she was tired and I got a chance to really bond with our child.
Now during this near 3 year stretch, I know that I played a role in our sexlessness. My wife and my mother did not get along. I loved them both and would try to keep both happy. Sometimes that meant that my wife didn't feel supported. I'm sure this saga could be its own long post, but I'lll try to keep it brief. I would tell my mother to respect my wife and my marriage, but my wife didn't always see that, so it looked like to my wife that I was probably taking my mother's side more than hers. It was a challenging time, as my mother didn't want me in the marriage, and my wife wanted me to break off communication with my parents. We did have reduced contact with my parents and my mother eventually got her act together and was more respectful. It took a couple years for my wife and I to reconcile this aspect of our marriage.
Sex improved again for the next few years. Maybe sex every couple of weeks. This went on for about 3 years or so. I would initiate more often, but she was usually tired or not feeling well. It wasn't great, but doable. I did my best to manage the hurt feelings when she said no. We would have talks of increasing frequency, but she would usually say that she felt sorry that I wanted more, but I just had to be ok with it. I wouldn't make demands, but would ask how we could work together to make sex more appealing or help her get in the mood. We would go on dates. I'd help around the house and cook dinner on most days. She would say that there wasn't much to do and that she wasn't in charge of my orgasm.
Most recently, sex has been infrequent due to her being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. I completely understand her not wanting sex. She's not always physically well. She is medically managed and exercises regularly, but has shared that she doesn't want sex often. Perhaps, the hardest part is dealing with the guilt. I feel guilty for feeling lonely and wanting sex.
So, thanks to anybody who read this long essay. I'm grateful that there is a community for this and look forward to providing and receiving support!
