|
|
Post by curiousguy on Jul 8, 2024 16:09:59 GMT -5
I have been married over 30 years and have always had a roller coaster of sex with my wife. I should have known - no, I did know that she was not as sexual as I was but I always thought she would change - yes, I know that was very naive of me.
I don't feel that I should be here because we do have sex at least once a week - once where she is sort of into it, and then another time where she is just there for me. There are lots of reasons why she is not as into sex right now - in menopause, for example. But we are empty nesters I feel we finally have the time to truly explore our sexual selves together and create greater intimacy - that is what I am looking for. So, when we have sex, it is a race - a race for her and me to cum as quickly as possible. It it takes more than 20 minutes, she complain. So, I am looking for advice. Would like to talk with another woman to discuss - although open to all for ideas.
|
|
|
|
Post by sundayblue0071 on Jul 9, 2024 0:01:00 GMT -5
I have been married over 30 years and have always had a roller coaster of sex with my wife. I should have known - no, I did know that she was not as sexual as I was but I always thought she would change - yes, I know that was very naive of me. I don't feel that I should be here because we do have sex at least once a week - once where she is sort of into it, and then another time where she is just there for me. There are lots of reasons why she is not as into sex right now - in menopause, for example. But we are empty nesters I feel we finally have the time to truly explore our sexual selves together and create greater intimacy - that is what I am looking for. So, when we have sex, it is a race - a race for her and me to cum as quickly as possible. It it takes more than 20 minutes, she complain. So, I am looking for advice. Would like to talk with another woman to discuss - although open to all for ideas. Not a woman, but this sounds to me like working with a sex therapist might actually be pertinent to your situation. If your wife is uncomfortable with sex lasting 20 minutes or more then perhaps you need to spend more time on foreplace type stuff and less focus on actual intercourse. At least that's a way of spending time intimately with your partner by pleasuring her and doing so for extended periods of time. Strangely enough, I always felt with my wife that If I didn't work at getting her to orgasm than I failed. But then I realized that orgasm itself shouldn't be the goal. It's really the journey of sexual pleasure that's good enough and if it leads to orgasm great, and if it doesn't, that's OK too. But if it's a "race," as you describe it with you and your wife, then I think a sex therapist would be more suited to discuss something of this nature and get your wife to discuss further why she essentially just wants to get sex over with. Also, I"d recommend giving sexual massages. See if your wife would be open to you giving her a full body massage, and if that is something she would be comfortable in doing. And see if she's open to returning the favor
Just a few thoughts off of the top of my head. Good luck.
|
|
|
|
Post by curiousguy on Jul 10, 2024 13:47:39 GMT -5
Thanks for your reply! I have been trying to get my wife into therapy - not just for sex but for our relationship which is very much a yoyo. I totally agree about the idea that sex is about the journey not the destination of an orgasm - and I have mentioned that to her numerous times. She just doesn't take it seriously. So, I masturbate too often to comfort myself...
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jul 10, 2024 16:07:46 GMT -5
Like sundayblue0071 I was coached to believe bringing a woman to orgasm was how one defined being a good lover. Racing to the finish line was the fartherest thing from my mind, and I'd venture to say for most males of my generation. We did everything possible to last a good long time, possibly resulting in multipoe orgasms for our partners. I learned fairly early how to delay busting a nut so I often lasted 30-45 minutes before ejackulating. Both my wives seemed to enjoy the long sessons, until my 2nd W decided on celibacy for us. Then after her orgasm she wanted me to finish quickly.
I think sundayblue0071 has the right idea with prolonging foreplay to bring more bondingto the love making event. And if you cannot convince your W to seek therapy then do your best to communicate how inportant intimacy is to you and in your mindset, to the marriage.
|
|
|
|
Post by curiousguy on Jul 10, 2024 16:47:07 GMT -5
Thanks for your reply. To be clear, I am not the one that wants to reach orgasm quickly - that is my wife. I have explained to her that she shouldn't worry about the orgasm but enjoy the intimacy. Despite all my efforts, she just wants both of us to come quickly and be done with it. I tried explaining that we have time but she feels this is not worth it...
|
|
|
|
Post by sundayblue0071 on Jul 11, 2024 9:13:06 GMT -5
Thanks for your reply. To be clear, I am not the one that wants to reach orgasm quickly - that is my wife. I have explained to her that she shouldn't worry about the orgasm but enjoy the intimacy. Despite all my efforts, she just wants both of us to come quickly and be done with it. I tried explaining that we have time but she feels this is not worth it...
I feel for you, buddy. It's a tough situation you're in.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2024 10:01:32 GMT -5
curiousguy: "Thanks for your reply. To be clear, I am not the one that wants to reach orgasm quickly - that is my wife. I have explained to her that she shouldn't worry about the orgasm but enjoy the intimacy. Despite all my efforts, she just wants both of us to come quickly and be done with it. I tried explaining that we have time but she feels this is not worth it..."
She is not interested in sex with you. She faking orgasm and wanting it to be over soon because she doesn't want to be bothered having sex with you.
|
|
|
|
Post by lonelyhubby on Jul 11, 2024 10:16:52 GMT -5
Very common - looking at sex as just another task instead of a connection for intimacy. Dr. Laura has several podcasts about this problem.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jul 12, 2024 8:21:19 GMT -5
Very common - looking at sex as just another task instead of a connection for intimacy. Dr. Laura has several podcasts about this problem. My X once informed me, near the end of the marriege, that she viewed sex as " just one more thing she had to do". Needless to say that helped push me in the direction of discussing with her, a FWB for me. Eventually this sort of attitude spelled the end of the marriage. |
|
|
|
Post by curiousguy on Jul 12, 2024 9:49:38 GMT -5
curiousguy: "Thanks for your reply. To be clear, I am not the one that wants to reach orgasm quickly - that is my wife. I have explained to her that she shouldn't worry about the orgasm but enjoy the intimacy. Despite all my efforts, she just wants both of us to come quickly and be done with it. I tried explaining that we have time but she feels this is not worth it..." She is not interested in sex with you. She faking orgasm and wanting it to be over soon because she doesn't want to be bothered having sex with you. Well, that is hard to take. Could have made that less blunt! HaHa. I know for most of her orgasms that she is not faking as I feel her contractions inside her. But, she is making it a chore and I can't convince her to see another perspective to make this fun. Any ideas? |
|
|
|
Post by lonelyhubby on Jul 12, 2024 14:06:44 GMT -5
She needs to seek professional counseling - no gesture or connection is going to fix her mindset.
|
|
|
|
Post by toughtiger on Jul 13, 2024 20:48:51 GMT -5
Thanks for your reply. To be clear, I am not the one that wants to reach orgasm quickly - that is my wife. I have explained to her that she shouldn't worry about the orgasm but enjoy the intimacy. Despite all my efforts, she just wants both of us to come quickly and be done with it. I tried explaining that we have time but she feels this is not worth it... As a woman IF she is just going through the motions ... the hurry up and get it over....... is IMO dislike of the whole thing.... she just has not pulled the it is over trigger YET. You are correct it should be the intimacy and the closeness with out without the finale.....but maybe to her it is a clear game over ending and she is done for the week... I agree as i and spouse were empty nesters and should be able to relax and have a good time and maybe try new things .... instead spouse hid he was losing his ability or low T whatever every attempt was hurry as fast as possible so MAYBE i could enjoy it before it all fell flat. DO not play that OK menopause.... that is simply not a one size fits all situation and if it is a thing for her there are many things to do to help. talk about it and if she has symptoms some have she can talk to her DR and IF she wanted a sex life she should have already.... |
|
|
|
Post by sweetplumeria on Jul 15, 2024 0:54:22 GMT -5
I haven't read through the replies but iam thinking kama sutra... Is there any way you can get her to consider studying Kama sutra OR perhaps educate her about edging.... as in edging you in whatever way that works for her. Ask her why she is in a hurry. Maybe it's something you never considered... does it hurt her? Is she only turned on when it's fast? what's really happening? Is she willing to be honest with you? That's harder than people think.
|
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jul 15, 2024 6:03:03 GMT -5
... I don't feel that I should be here because we do have sex at least once a week - once where she is sort of into it, and then another time where she is just there for me. There are lots of reasons why she is not as into sex right now - in menopause, for example. But we are empty nesters I feel we finally have the time to truly explore our sexual selves together and create greater intimacy - that is what I am looking for. So, when we have sex, it is a race - a race for her and me to cum as quickly as possible. It it takes more than 20 minutes, she complains. ... Okay, this whole "how do I make my semi-normal marriage better?" question has been a curveball, everyone else has been asking good questions, and I've just been taking it in, but I've reached overload. Question cannonade:
Do the ones "just for you" last longer? Shorter? Does she climax when it's "just for you", or do you know which ones are "just for you" based on her achieving orgasm or an expressed interest or intent to pleasure herself with you? Do some orgasms take her by surprise? ("I don't know" will be unsurprising answers to a lot of these questions.) Might your objectively frisky scheduling be dulling her investment in the sex you do have? Given the collapse of sex lives here at ILIASM, it is a dangerous thing to say that less may be more, but I'm putting it out there anyway with apologies in advance if I screw up the good for the sake of the better. Does she need some time to charge her batteries? Are you the one who's always initiating? If she initiates, is it "just for you", always mutual, or a mix? Does the experience improve with more time in between romps? I'd hesitate discussing altering time intervals. It could become a race to the bottom. Just delay a few days and see if there's a difference, good or bad. Have you ever said, "Rain check? Tomorrow?" Do you play "solitaire?" in between these zesty weekly-or-more rounds? Are either of you on medications, especially anti-depressants? What foreplay is included in 20 minute session? Is any sex scheduled, or it's all spontaneous offers or requests? What experimentation are you hoping for? When's your birthday? |
|
|
|
Post by jaimereyes on Jul 18, 2024 9:49:36 GMT -5
Thanks for your reply. To be clear, I am not the one that wants to reach orgasm quickly - that is my wife. I have explained to her that she shouldn't worry about the orgasm but enjoy the intimacy. Despite all my efforts, she just wants both of us to come quickly and be done with it. I tried explaining that we have time but she feels this is not worth it... I feel for you. On the rare occasion my wife it’s willing to have sex, she takes on the attitude of let’s get it done quickly. Very little foreplay. She usually says it’s because it’s late and she’s tired. I’ve initiated sex earlier in the day when we were alone but she’s often said something like “but we could be doing other things.” I don’t know what to offer you other sharing that sex is a low priority for her that’s not worth the extra time. |
|
