I Can Smell My Freedom .... So Close
Apr 1, 2016 2:34:03 GMT -5
JMX, Isabellas39, and 9 more like this
Post by TheBumble on Apr 1, 2016 2:34:03 GMT -5
Okay, here I am. I am HAPPY lately. Do I hear that? "I am happy today." Remember wanting to kill myself? Had it all planned out. Remember all the desperate times, the tears in the store dressing room, on your bike trainer, in the van, in front of Willie and Joel when you sought help? Desperately writing on a piece of paper, "God, please help me!" and tucking it in your wallet. The staring out the window......'oh my God, oh my God, oh my God....', crying at Shrek's 'Hallelujah' and having to hide it from the kids who were strewn about the floor watching. The desperate and short-lived scooter ride to freedom one night 3-4 years ago......
....the 'snap' feeling in my heart at the Facebook 'I won't add you as a friend because....' thing, like a final blow........'You can have sex with a prostitute if you want sex'........the criticisms, the confusion, the nothing-is-right, the I-can't-fix-this. Remember the pain of stumbling across C and A's brutal tweets about you, that came from this nightmare? The loss of being able to just relax and enjoy reading a book to A? Kind of losing A altogether.......my own daughter stripped away, no special father-daughter bond, something I will now have to fight the rest of my life for, not even sure if she'll want me to walk her down the aisle....
....remember all that? All because you married the wrong person.......a person that has always had her own best interests in mind, especially after kids.......who felt nothing about criticizing you and then feeling nothing but more resentment and revulsion when you tried to talk about it.........who said it was hard to want to have sex with 'someone like you' physically and in her opinion of me, though I am in decent shape and have done nothing wrong but be there, this entire time, as husband, father, teacher, coach........for my family.
A woman who continues to live on in contentment as if everything is just fine, despite you telling her many times how much pain you were in -- you have given her everything she wanted to live the life she enjoys......at the cost of your sanity, and damn near your life.
The dark dark days that stretched on forever. The waking up in the middle of the night in panic. The having to put on Seinfeld DVDs in order to sleep, almost every night. The physical and mental health risks I have faced......are they still lurking? Am I even okay? Have years been taken off my life already? I have had cortisol flowing through my system for almost a decade, unchecked. It's probably a miracle I'm still alive.
I have BATTLED. I have battled like a motherfucker to hang in there........in the face of her expressions towards me, and things like the kids' soul-crushing tweets, just watching it all fall apart, but having to bury it as a father and a man -- I had to endure. I had a family to support.
And now.......I am happy today.........because I have reached that point where I am free to go. The nest is empty. And it's time to fill my heart.
....the 'snap' feeling in my heart at the Facebook 'I won't add you as a friend because....' thing, like a final blow........'You can have sex with a prostitute if you want sex'........the criticisms, the confusion, the nothing-is-right, the I-can't-fix-this. Remember the pain of stumbling across C and A's brutal tweets about you, that came from this nightmare? The loss of being able to just relax and enjoy reading a book to A? Kind of losing A altogether.......my own daughter stripped away, no special father-daughter bond, something I will now have to fight the rest of my life for, not even sure if she'll want me to walk her down the aisle....
....remember all that? All because you married the wrong person.......a person that has always had her own best interests in mind, especially after kids.......who felt nothing about criticizing you and then feeling nothing but more resentment and revulsion when you tried to talk about it.........who said it was hard to want to have sex with 'someone like you' physically and in her opinion of me, though I am in decent shape and have done nothing wrong but be there, this entire time, as husband, father, teacher, coach........for my family.
A woman who continues to live on in contentment as if everything is just fine, despite you telling her many times how much pain you were in -- you have given her everything she wanted to live the life she enjoys......at the cost of your sanity, and damn near your life.
The dark dark days that stretched on forever. The waking up in the middle of the night in panic. The having to put on Seinfeld DVDs in order to sleep, almost every night. The physical and mental health risks I have faced......are they still lurking? Am I even okay? Have years been taken off my life already? I have had cortisol flowing through my system for almost a decade, unchecked. It's probably a miracle I'm still alive.
I have BATTLED. I have battled like a motherfucker to hang in there........in the face of her expressions towards me, and things like the kids' soul-crushing tweets, just watching it all fall apart, but having to bury it as a father and a man -- I had to endure. I had a family to support.
And now.......I am happy today.........because I have reached that point where I am free to go. The nest is empty. And it's time to fill my heart.
