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Post by h on Jun 4, 2024 9:47:36 GMT -5
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jun 4, 2024 10:22:25 GMT -5
WOW - we adopted, and almost as soon as we settled into being parents of 4 children (3 right away - one boy who was 8, and siblings (a newborn and 3 year old sister - with another newborn sister 4 years later). Anyway = within 2 years of adopting, the sex became once a year - year and a half, with her being 100% stay at home Mom, and me working 80+ hours a week as the sole income provider - not that being a full time Mom is not work, it is.. anyway - the sex became less and less for 7 years until now nothing for the last 8. she did exactly as this article alludes to - she was more invested in being a Mother and essentially stopped being a Wife. not that she stopped being a co-parent, house managing partner - but expected that this was good enough and our intimacy was slowly strangled by her choices and forced celibacy decision.
we had a lot of sex (sometimes 3-4 times a day before we were married and settled into 3-4 times a week, until we had the kids. seems that once she got what she wanted, sex was no longer needed to keep the relationship - I don't want to assume anything nefarious or evil - it's just that she didn't need it any longer as I was now committed and essentially trapped. Like she said - she married me for other reasons, it's not important to HER.
Hard to negotiate against that kind of dead mindset.
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Post by h on Jun 4, 2024 13:45:20 GMT -5
WOW - we adopted, and almost as soon as we settled into being parents of 4 children (3 right away - one boy who was 8, and siblings (a newborn and 3 year old sister - with another newborn sister 4 years later). Anyway = within 2 years of adopting, the sex became once a year - year and a half, with her being 100% stay at home Mom, and me working 80+ hours a week as the sole income provider - not that being a full time Mom is not work, it is.. anyway - the sex became less and less for 7 years until now nothing for the last 8. she did exactly as this article alludes to - she was more invested in being a Mother and essentially stopped being a Wife. not that she stopped being a co-parent, house managing partner - but expected that this was good enough and our intimacy was slowly strangled by her choices and forced celibacy decision. we had a lot of sex (sometimes 3-4 times a day before we were married and settled into 3-4 times a week, until we had the kids. seems that once she got what she wanted, sex was no longer needed to keep the relationship - I don't want to assume anything nefarious or evil - it's just that she didn't need it any longer as I was not committed and essentially trapped. Like she said - she married me for other reasons, it's not important to HER. Hard to negotiate against that kind of dead mindset. This is so hard to hear. This thought pattern hits so close to home. We used to have "nakie nights" where we would wear nothing to bed and just snuggle, rarely ever did we JUST snuggle, but hell yea it happened. Now that we have 3 children, no more "nakie nights" and no more anything. We used to schedule PTO days off work just to be with each other. Now it's a good day when we can comfortably meet eyes and genuinely smile when we enter the same room. Suggesting therapy only gets met with, "there's nothing wrong with us, we just fight about parenting the kids." It hurts so much because one day, our parts aren't going to work the same any more. Assisting the elderly, I see neuropathy, dementia, and many other illnesses that prevent so much of the relationship between couples, let alone just the physical side. We only have so much time left, one day if we are lucky, we only become our memories. To watch our love fade away in front of my eyes hurts me so deeply. It's feeling the future guilt of time being wasted as it is happening. But that's the double edged sword to it as well. I KNOW that one day sex just isn't going to be possible, will that make me want to leave her just because intimacy is impossible? No, I still open doors for her, why don't I want to do everything I can to take care of her in her time of need? Lurking through these forums makes me want to leave, not waste the time on a "dead mindset." But, the moment I think about leaving the woman I love the most over something that is going to disappear anyway, sex kind of loses it's power. I know that the guilt of not being there for her in her elder years would tear a hole in my soul. There's a song 'Rag'N'Bone Man - skin' It would be easier to let go if there was something worth remembering and thinking fondly about in my later years. Sex didn't go away. It was never there in the beginning. That's why we never had kids. That's why I refuse to adopt. If we are already sexless when we have no children, then I'm not going to bring children into a dysfunctional marriage. As for leaving, I'm just waiting for financial issues to sort out so I'm not broke and living in my car. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jun 4, 2024 15:34:21 GMT -5
Yep - big incentive for not living in a box on the side of the road. I have waiting this long, I can make it 5 more years. It will either get resolved, or get resolved by finally leaving. I am not yet 60, and still in really good shape - I look 40, and am doing everything I can to retain physical shape and keep my end up (no punt intended)
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 7, 2024 4:44:54 GMT -5
... I KNOW that one day sex just isn't going to be possible, will that make me want to leave her just because intimacy is impossible? No, I still open doors for her, why don't I want to do everything I can to take care of her in her time of need? Lurking through these forums makes me want to leave, not waste the time on a "dead mindset." But, the moment I think about leaving the woman I love the most over something that is going to disappear anyway, sex kind of loses it's power. I know that the guilt of not being there for her in her elder years would tear a hole in my soul. You'll see more than once the suggestion to outsource. This can be done in full disclosure. She's not interested? OK. You are. Outsourcing let's you both get your way. Usually it becomes clear that a refuser/denier demands celibacy to stay married. It can be helpful to know that this is part of the spouse's evaluation of our marriage and our selves. The refused serves both, and does not get what they most want. Had this been made clear at the wedding, you never would have said "I do." You can be there for her in your old age with non-working parts. Until that happens, you can exercise those parts with someone who also wants to enjoy their vitality as long as they might. If you were to decide to go this route, prepare legally for divorce proceedings in case they do make celibacy a requirement to stay in the relationship they consider a fully functioning marriage and you do not. Divorce is not necessary, unless the refuser/denier thinks it is; and that's on them. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 10, 2024 5:03:18 GMT -5
You'll see more than once the suggestion to outsource. This can be done in full disclosure. She's not interested? OK. You are. Outsourcing let's you both get your way. Usually it becomes clear that a refuser/denier demands celibacy to stay married. It can be helpful to know that this is part of the spouse's evaluation of our marriage and our selves. The refused serves both, and does not get what they most want. ^Our therapist suggested an open marriage. My wife stayed silent during the exchange. That night, I brought up the article the therapist mentioned to see if she was interested in reading it together. She shut down any open marriage talk at all. It was her or no one, and I had no choice. She wouldn't talk a word about it. She stopped coming to therapy shortly after that. I went alone monthly for at least another year.Had this been made clear at the wedding, you never would have said "I do." ^100%
So the question becomes, is she willing to divorce you or be your lover in order to keep the marriage closed? (closed for the short time it is still alive, in the latter case) You can make those her only two choices. You need not talk a word about it. Be sure you have mentally, emotionally, and financially prepared for divorce first. She can file just as readily as you can. Facing a divorce, mostly prepared, is much easier to handle than being ambushed by someone who has already prepared for it. Then give her a time limit for her to fix whatever is wrong. Or, divorce her. Though if you do, you run the risk of being in the exact same situation in ten years. OKcupid worked best for me as a married man dating. (but a cursory search discovered OKcupid started emphasizing mass swiping so maybe my experience is out fo date) www.reddit.com/r/DatingApps/comments/15bgsss/best_app_for_an_open_marriage/ suggests there are new kids on the block that may work better. |
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