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Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 24, 2024 19:53:45 GMT -5
I rarely hear this variation of the SM and I've never heard it with feederism specifically. But I figured throwing this out there was worth a shot. If any of you even remotely relate to this, please drop a reply. It's be nice not to feel so alone in this lol.
I've googled everything from fetishistic disorder to porn addiction. All of which are labels I'm hesitant to sling at my refuser husband willy nilly since they have to reach that conclusion themselves for any treatment to be an option. But when it comes to fetish porn in general, I am adamant of one key point: Arousal conditioning.
I could normally care less how often he jerks off to feederism porn. I didn't care at the start of our relationship because we still had some level of a sex life. And we both were open about the fact that we both used porn. But we had made an agreement that porn wasn't an issue as long as it did not negatively impact our sex life. And then it did. Our sex life stopped and he would turn down irl sex in favor of masturbating to porn. For months. And it wasn't recognized as a valid problem until I waved a large handful red flags for a very long time.
He says he thinks I'm attractive, but I suspect the unspoken part is "just not attractive to me personally" since he also described my body as "meh". Which felt jus lovely lol. He's admitted that feederism porn is the only thing he consistently finds arousing, so that is basically all he watches/gets off to. And I softly suggested the inverse: the possibility that feederism is the only thing he consistently finds arousing because it's basically all he ever watches/gets off to. I've suggested intentionally inserting variation into his porn diet to recondition his sexual arousal sources and what bodies he finds hot. But he refuses to because he "doesn't like that other stuff".
But in my honest opinion, he's gotten himself nicely trapped in a cycle of conditioning himself to only get off to one particular thing. And every iteration of him continuing to feed that mental connection of feederism + stimulation = sexual fulfillment only makes that mental connection that much stronger. Sometimes I just want to shake him like "why can't you see this?! why won't you see this?!". But until he sees it as a problem AND a problem worth solving? I got nothing at this point...
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Apr 24, 2024 21:03:58 GMT -5
Wow. I have no idea about this fetish. It is absolutely not my cup of tea and has to be rare. I had to Google it to see what it was.It's like a controlling issue for sure. And its very toxic and dangerous. But to each there own. You have some very difficult decisions to make here girl.First and foremost make sure you are safe and healthy. If you are not into this you need to find an exit plan. I can't imagine what you are and have been through. Your are a very strong woman for going through this and I hope you come out of it ok.
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Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 24, 2024 23:33:00 GMT -5
Wow. I have no idea about this fetish. It is absolutely not my cup of tea and has to be rare. I had to Google it to see what it was.It's like a controlling issue for sure. And its very toxic and dangerous. But to each there own. You have some very difficult decisions to make here girl.First and foremost make sure you are safe and healthy. If you are not into this you need to find an exit plan. I can't imagine what you are and have been through. Your are a very strong woman for going through this and I hope you come out of it ok. It's definitely a rare one. He was open about it from the start, but I had no idea what it was or how strong his desire for it would grow. Every couple of months, I learn a bit more about how deep this goes and feel a little less hopeless. It was never was my cup of tea to begin with, but I have a bad habit of tending to others needs above my own. So when he asked me to at least try it, I did. Along the way, I'd occasionally back out. But either to end his bad mood or out of sheer desperation for sex, I'd cave and start doing it again. Went from 160 lb to 230 lb to please him. But fortunately, becoming pre-diabetic was enough of a wake up call to make me finally stop for good. I'm back down to 170 ish now, so physical recovery is going well. Emotional recovery is another story lol. Took a scary step yesterday though and set up a consultation with a divorce lawyer. Just to know what my options are. It just sucks. I never imagined considering divorcing a man I'm still very much in love with. But I also know this fetish is possibly an impossible battle to face as it stands. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 25, 2024 5:35:35 GMT -5
... I'm hesitant to sling at my refuser husband willy nilly since they have to reach that conclusion themselves for any treatment to be an option. But when it comes to fetish porn in general, I am adamant of one key point: Arousal conditioning. ... Our sex life stopped and he would turn down irl sex in favor of masturbating to porn. For months... ...he also described my body as "meh". Which felt jus lovely lol. ... I softly suggested the inverse: the possibility that feederism is the only thing he consistently finds arousing because it's basically all he ever watches/gets off to. ... Responded on another thread: iliasm.org/post/150601/threadTo add specifically to some points raised here, I'd emphasize the idea of his investing in sex as a connection ritual, not a pleasure/orgasmic one. A key component of mental illness is that a behavior adversely affects one's life; a stumbling marriage may qualify if he considers such a thing as a problem. If he doesn't, that's another matter, worthy of a solemn discussion. I'm not sure how offended you can be at his evaluation of your body when his ideal is 400 pounds. You'll neve be a supermodel, you'll never be his dream girl either. Neither goal out of your reach is worthy of much concern. If the considerable gap between you and Ms. Globe is interfering with coupling time, sure, that can be upsetting. Your body is fine, his lack of acceptance and perhaps obsession of changing you are what'll burn the house down. If it went this way permanently, could you tolerate it? Might you open the marriage? Or, more commonly, if you leave, does he understand that this may be all he ever has if he cannot physically connect with someone absent a craving to impose health risks on someone you profess to care about? Sometimes, it's called a "fantasy" because you're not supposed to expect to actually do it. Is he choosing to be a societal outcast, alone, perhaps with uncomfortable questions asked by friends and family? Not shaming here, just raising awareness that he may be choosing this fate and not be sussing out what such a future looks like and it may not be a choice he's glad he made. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 25, 2024 6:23:12 GMT -5
I've never done much reading or thinking about fetishes. Other than viewing them as legal addictions. I did briefly do some reading on latex fetish when early on I looked at joining one dating site. But there were so many questions about which latex fantasy I preferred I dropped the idea. so fetishes are alien to me. Be that as it may the result is the same as any other drug or porn obsession to a marriage. One can and often does end up in a SM.
Not sure how much the members here are going to be able to help. My thoughts are that no matter how much you care about your partner you must decide if this addiction is one you can live with for the rest of your life. Because if your H does not see this as a problem and does not wish to prioritize the marriage as opposed to the fetish, then it likely will only get worse and more consuming for him.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Apr 25, 2024 7:45:38 GMT -5
Daily or excessive porn use does rewire the brain and train your body to respond to that kind of input only after a certain period - perhaps the libido is low because of the attunement to this fetish and porn use, rather than the fetish/porn being the result of the LL, it may well be causing it. I am not casting judgement - God knows I have used porn as a result of forced celibacy for the last 15 years - but the example above seems a little extreme, I suggest seeking counseling for the issue.
The focus on Zaftig models and the disconnection of desire for anything but that indicates a very large gap in the thinking and seems to indicate a larger mental health issue
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m76
Full Member
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Post by m76 on Apr 25, 2024 11:24:54 GMT -5
Daily or excessive porn use does rewire the brain and train your body to respond to that kind of input only after a certain period - perhaps the libido is low because of the attunement to this fetish and porn use, rather than the fetish/porn being the result of the LL, it may well be causing it. I am not casting judgement - God knows I have used porn as a result of forced celibacy for the last 15 years - but the example above seems a little extreme, I suggest seeking counseling for the issue. The focus on Zaftig models and the disconnection of desire for anything but that indicates a very large gap in the thinking and seems to indicate a larger mental health issue I agree, very extreme. And I've said it before, as much as I enjoy watching porn as my only release, if my wife told me to stop and go have sex with her, Porn would instantly be gone. Porn is no replacement for the real thing. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 25, 2024 11:58:50 GMT -5
Daily or excessive porn use does rewire the brain and train your body to respond to that kind of input Fetishes existed before porn. I'm not sure how much benefit can come from blaming porn, rock music, violent movies etc for people's personal problems and dysfunctions. A more effective avenue might be to consider what two people are going to do about a fetish that comes between them. There was a period a few decades ago in which I was in a difficult living situation and I found I lacked energy for other people and my poor girlfriend at the time, though I did have energy "for myself". I was in a celibate marriage for a long time in which I felt equal dismay, when I found that my partner had ample energy "for herself" but not me. Having seen this from both sides now, I came to view "blaming porn" as a case of wet streets causing rain. The issue is a disconnection and aversion to a partner, or to some aspect of the conditions or format of the relationship, rather than the porn causing it. An absence of sex doesn't necessarily mean an absence of libido; but rather an absence of someone they see as a viable sexual partner. Fetishes are a tough one. Take it as a more extreme version of "having a type". Some fetishes might be shared. Some might be enjoyed asynchronously - as when one partner is "into the thing" and the other is into delighting their partner. Some fetishes might simply be tolerated and occasionally indulged. Some particular fetishes (such as feederism), once you understand the psychology of the thrill, can be "bent" to be explored in a different way. For many people, feederism is an expression of dominance and submission, and there are other ways to explore and express these themes that might provide a similar thrill but via more compatible means. I've seen insecurity sneak into some situations where a partner wonders if they matter at all, or if they are interchangeable with anyone who can "do the thing". In this case, you could remove the "feederism" and the porn, but you are likely to still find that the aversion still exists. |
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Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 25, 2024 16:27:09 GMT -5
Daily or excessive porn use does rewire the brain and train your body to respond to that kind of input only after a certain period - perhaps the libido is low because of the attunement to this fetish and porn use, rather than the fetish/porn being the result of the LL, it may well be causing it. I am not casting judgement - God knows I have used porn as a result of forced celibacy for the last 15 years - but the example above seems a little extreme, I suggest seeking counseling for the issue. The focus on Zaftig models and the disconnection of desire for anything but that indicates a very large gap in the thinking and seems to indicate a larger mental health issue I agree, very extreme. And I've said it before, as much as I enjoy watching porn as my only release, if my wife told me to stop and go have sex with her, Porn would instantly be gone. Porn is no replacement for the real thing. My response exactly. That was one of my first red flags. I love porn as much as the next person. But I never came close to competing with the real thing. Ever! So when he started turning down sex to jerk it to porn? My mind was boggled! Had the tables been turned, my phone would be yeeted out the window with the might of Zeus! |
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Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 25, 2024 16:30:25 GMT -5
... I'm hesitant to sling at my refuser husband willy nilly since they have to reach that conclusion themselves for any treatment to be an option. But when it comes to fetish porn in general, I am adamant of one key point: Arousal conditioning. ... Our sex life stopped and he would turn down irl sex in favor of masturbating to porn. For months... ...he also described my body as "meh". Which felt jus lovely lol. ... I softly suggested the inverse: the possibility that feederism is the only thing he consistently finds arousing because it's basically all he ever watches/gets off to. ... Responded on another thread: iliasm.org/post/150601/threadTo add specifically to some points raised here, I'd emphasize the idea of his investing in sex as a connection ritual, not a pleasure/orgasmic one. A key component of mental illness is that a behavior adversely affects one's life; a stumbling marriage may qualify if he considers such a thing as a problem. If he doesn't, that's another matter, worthy of a solemn discussion. I'm not sure how offended you can be at his evaluation of your body when his ideal is 400 pounds. You'll neve be a supermodel, you'll never be his dream girl either. Neither goal out of your reach is worthy of much concern. If the considerable gap between you and Ms. Globe is interfering with coupling time, sure, that can be upsetting. Your body is fine, his lack of acceptance and perhaps obsession of changing you are what'll burn the house down. If it went this way permanently, could you tolerate it? Might you open the marriage? Or, more commonly, if you leave, does he understand that this may be all he ever has if he cannot physically connect with someone absent a craving to impose health risks on someone you profess to care about? Sometimes, it's called a "fantasy" because you're not supposed to expect to actually do it. Is he choosing to be a societal outcast, alone, perhaps with uncomfortable questions asked by friends and family? Not shaming here, just raising awareness that he may be choosing this fate and not be sussing out what such a future looks like and it may not be a choice he's glad he made. That's literally the only reason I consider it as an addiction. Because it is seriously impacting our marriage and sex life negatively. And even still, he can't let it go. He once agreed to try to intentionally add variation to his porn genres at the very least. I trusted him and resisted the urge to check up on him constantly. About two weeks in, I asked how it was going and he said he'd gone back to just fetish porn again. And I likely wouldn't have found out if I hadn't caved and asked him about it. He's fucking hooked and it's so frustrating/sad that he will neither admit it or do anything about it. If it went this way permanently? I'm out. Full stop. The only reason I have stayed this long is his expressed desire to fix things. But the more we talk, the more I'm finding his motivations to fix anything stops just shy of fetish territory... |
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Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 25, 2024 16:35:03 GMT -5
Responded on another thread: iliasm.org/post/150601/threadTo add specifically to some points raised here, I'd emphasize the idea of his investing in sex as a connection ritual, not a pleasure/orgasmic one. A key component of mental illness is that a behavior adversely affects one's life; a stumbling marriage may qualify if he considers such a thing as a problem. If he doesn't, that's another matter, worthy of a solemn discussion. I'm not sure how offended you can be at his evaluation of your body when his ideal is 400 pounds. You'll neve be a supermodel, you'll never be his dream girl either. Neither goal out of your reach is worthy of much concern. If the considerable gap between you and Ms. Globe is interfering with coupling time, sure, that can be upsetting. Your body is fine, his lack of acceptance and perhaps obsession of changing you are what'll burn the house down. If it went this way permanently, could you tolerate it? Might you open the marriage? Or, more commonly, if you leave, does he understand that this may be all he ever has if he cannot physically connect with someone absent a craving to impose health risks on someone you profess to care about? Sometimes, it's called a "fantasy" because you're not supposed to expect to actually do it. Is he choosing to be a societal outcast, alone, perhaps with uncomfortable questions asked by friends and family? Not shaming here, just raising awareness that he may be choosing this fate and not be sussing out what such a future looks like and it may not be a choice he's glad he made. That's literally the only reason I consider it as an addiction. Because it is seriously impacting our marriage and sex life negatively. And even still, he can't let it go. He once agreed to try to intentionally add variation to his porn genres at the very least. I trusted him and resisted the urge to check up on him constantly. About two weeks in, I asked how it was going and he said he'd gone back to just fetish porn again. And I likely wouldn't have found out if I hadn't caved and asked him about it. He's fucking hooked and it's so frustrating/sad that he will neither admit it or do anything about it. If it went this way permanently? I'm out. Full stop. The only reason I have stayed this long is his expressed desire to fix things. But the more we talk, the more I'm finding his motivations to fix anything stops just shy of fetish territory... He's not a loner though. He enjoys socializing and has good relationships with all of his family. His mother-in-law actually lives with us (a move that I whole-heartedly supported. We get along fabulously, especially since I'm estranged from my biological mother and family. I just wish I could pass her a note and tell her to knock some sense into her son before I peace out of this relationship lol. But outing him to his mom feels inappropriate). |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Apr 26, 2024 7:51:07 GMT -5
Well this took me on a bit of a deep dive! I had to do some research to understand what we were talking about. Here is a bit of irony I think my husband is the opposite of yours. Way back when, early in the marriage, when we were still having sex, I remember him looking and feeling for my bones. When I was 18, this didn't bother me so much as I was very thin. But I have come to realize this is very much a control issue. My husband quit wanting to have sex with me as I gained weight. He sabotaged me losing weight with late night 10-in plates of spaghetti that he'd spent hours cooking and I had to eat it. So basically a lot of emotional manipulation that I didn't understand or register at the time.
You've gotten a lot of great responses here so far. I have enjoyed reading them because I don't really have much ti offer myself, other than waiting to have the life you want sucks! Don't wait.
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Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 26, 2024 16:17:31 GMT -5
Well this took me on a bit of a deep dive! I had to do some research to understand what we were talking about. Here is a bit of irony I think my husband is the opposite of yours. Way back when, early in the marriage, when we were still having sex, I remember him looking and feeling for my bones. When I was 18, this didn't bother me so much as I was very thin. But I have come to realize this is very much a control issue. My husband quit wanting to have sex with me as I gained weight. He sabotaged me losing weight with late night 10-in plates of spaghetti that he'd spent hours cooking and I had to eat it. So basically a lot of emotional manipulation that I didn't understand or register at the time. You've gotten a lot of great responses here so far. I have enjoyed reading them because I don't really have much ti offer myself, other than waiting to have the life you want sucks! Don't wait. Wait. He became a refuser because you gained some weight and then tried to keep the weight on you? |
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 27, 2024 11:45:18 GMT -5
Responded on another thread: iliasm.org/post/150601/threadTo add specifically to some points raised here, I'd emphasize the idea of his investing in sex as a connection ritual, not a pleasure/orgasmic one. A key component of mental illness is that a behavior adversely affects one's life; a stumbling marriage may qualify if he considers such a thing as a problem. If he doesn't, that's another matter, worthy of a solemn discussion. I'm not sure how offended you can be at his evaluation of your body when his ideal is 400 pounds. You'll neve be a supermodel, you'll never be his dream girl either. Neither goal out of your reach is worthy of much concern. If the considerable gap between you and Ms. Globe is interfering with coupling time, sure, that can be upsetting. Your body is fine, his lack of acceptance and perhaps obsession of changing you are what'll burn the house down. If it went this way permanently, could you tolerate it? Might you open the marriage? Or, more commonly, if you leave, does he understand that this may be all he ever has if he cannot physically connect with someone absent a craving to impose health risks on someone you profess to care about? Sometimes, it's called a "fantasy" because you're not supposed to expect to actually do it. Is he choosing to be a societal outcast, alone, perhaps with uncomfortable questions asked by friends and family? Not shaming here, just raising awareness that he may be choosing this fate and not be sussing out what such a future looks like and it may not be a choice he's glad he made. That's literally the only reason I consider it as an addiction. Because it is seriously impacting our marriage and sex life negatively. And even still, he can't let it go. He once agreed to try to intentionally add variation to his porn genres at the very least. I trusted him and resisted the urge to check up on him constantly. About two weeks in, I asked how it was going and he said he'd gone back to just fetish porn again. And I likely wouldn't have found out if I hadn't caved and asked him about it. He's fucking hooked and it's so frustrating/sad that he will neither admit it or do anything about it. If it went this way permanently? I'm out. Full stop. The only reason I have stayed this long is his expressed desire to fix things. But the more we talk, the more I'm finding his motivations to fix anything stops just shy of fetish territory... When someone tells you who they are, you have a right to be skeptical. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has a lot to do to straighten his shit out, and it's not going to happen if he doesn't want to. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 29, 2024 5:01:40 GMT -5
That's literally the only reason I consider it as an addiction. Because it is seriously impacting our marriage and sex life negatively. And even still, he can't let it go. He once agreed to try to intentionally add variation to his porn genres at the very least. I trusted him and resisted the urge to check up on him constantly. About two weeks in, I asked how it was going and he said he'd gone back to just fetish porn again. And I likely wouldn't have found out if I hadn't caved and asked him about it. He's fucking hooked and it's so frustrating/sad that he will neither admit it or do anything about it. If it went this way permanently? I'm out. Full stop. The only reason I have stayed this long is his expressed desire to fix things. But the more we talk, the more I'm finding his motivations to fix anything stops just shy of fetish territory...
...He's not a loner though. He enjoys socializing and has good relationships with all of his family..... The addict needs to see the maladaptive behavior as bad. It is unclear your husband sees it that way. More justifiably, one can posit that he does see the behavior as a difficulty to overcome, but one that does not surpass the positive side of the excitement of the fetish. Drug addicts can be well aware that they are on a calamitous trajectory but love the sensations of their fix more than the minor pleasure of having a life that stays intact or progresses. From the outside, both seem insane. Maybe some addicts prefer their addiction but do not wish to argue with people who tell them their way of life is unhealthy, inferior, or undesirable. Easier to say you agree and do nothing. Let me take a moment to praise his admission that he is unable (for now?) to unlink his kink from his sexual ability (transforming kink into fetish.) When you think you "caved", I do not know how you can know whether there's been progress made without asking. I suppose waiting for him to initiate? You'll find no one here accusing you of impatience. You did not raid his computer/browsing history. You asked and he was honest. That's a pretty healthy approach to an unusual marital dynamic. Solid A, not even A-. He's not apparently shut down communication. Many porn addicted husbands at ILIASM do/have. Is he "not admitting" his addiction? He's just said he could not stop if he wanted to. Maybe he just won't admit the word fits. Supposedly admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. You have a problem. Maybe he doesn't? (yet?) Maybe he's up to transition to a feederism/cuckold fetish and the open marriage will suddenly be as compelling as his current obsession. Or maybe fixing your problem that way is less preferable than leaving. A lot of ILIASM ladies find open marriages insufficient (some having tried it and found it lacking). They want the whole package; a few found it adequate to the need. Perhaps a site like fetlife.com will have some guidance on navigating these strange waters. While your husband is not a lonely platonically, its within the realm that he is unintentionally making his games of solitaire his entire sexual future. Maybe if you divorce he'll find himself a 400 pound woman and be happy ever after. Maybe a doctor will tell her to lose weight after the first heart attack and he'll saunter off to his room to obsess once again until he can divorce and find the next woman heading to an early grave. It might work. Does he have a plan explaining his divorce, choice of dates, or perpetual bachelorhood to that family of his? Would he marry someone else if you split? I hope he will not if he insists on changing someone else or plans to divorce if they take measures to lose weight in order to save their lives. A relationship that depends on making someone die quicker needs to be assessed in terms of morality. He should make porn his next and only bride if he cannot change. |
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