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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 10, 2024 5:03:16 GMT -5
Wow that is a lot to deal with but i do not think anyone deserves to go through this... what is the attraction as you say this is fourth husband.... you need to realize you deserve better and even if later in life the idea that someone is better then NO one is NOT true.... toughtiger has a valid point. Although i am 76 I still feel the need for intimacy in my life. But I won't just bring any woman into the fold. There are some deal breakers that everyone should have. If someone treats you like yesterdays leftovers,that person should be kicked to the curb without hesitation. Often it is a long time between partners for me, but boundries are boundries for a reason. And expecting one's partner to treat them well in not asking for too much. That should fall well within the minimum requirements of a good relationship.If you can't get that from your current partner it's time for a change, even if it means having no one romantically in your life. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 10, 2024 18:49:13 GMT -5
no sex whatsoever in almost 5 years now- he claims zero desire and truly his p can’t get hard for me at least. He doesn’t look, smell or touch me at all. He is also extremely narcissistic and verbally/mentally abusive. He is miserable all the time. He does absolutely nothing around the house & slips and calls me mom once a month at least (he has a very angry relationship with his mother but relies on her financially until he met me now he financially depends on me bc his job pays junk and mine is good along with almost no retirement plans for him and a sweet set up by me starting 20+ yrs ago with intentional hard work and planning). Is it a trauma bond, cognitive dissonance? Or I apparently just love men who treat me poorly and can’t tear myself away no matter how logically I see that I should. He is my fourth husband, I have been physically/sexually/financially abused by past husbands. I am in therapy now 4+ years with great improvement logically- but subconsciously I cling to him like my life depends on it. No clue. I am just lost. husband? Earnest question. Marriage seems to be exceptionally important to you. What do you hope to get from marriage and how did each of the four husbands appear to be the correct choice to fulfill that need? Is there a pattern? |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 14, 2024 9:11:24 GMT -5
lonelywifedeeanna , when did the sex fall off with you? Did anything significant happen between you that would create anger or a fundamental disconnection? Four months after our wedding day, I discovered on his iPad a plethora of messages, searches, atm recipts, Uber receipts, gps data that showed he was visiting/obsessing over massage parlors, escorts, male nsa meet ups in rest stop bathrooms/parking lots- as well as creepily hounding female coworkers/friends/strangers for pics and/or meet ups. When I confronted him he exploded in anger & forbid me from asking any questions or speaking about it. Refuses counseling, says nothing ever really happened he just had an active imagination and was curious. He did straighten up (probably bc his internet, physical and financial activity was on lock down) but then it went from pulling teeth to get sex 1x a week (lasting 3 min and consisting of him laying on his back doing nothing) to no sex whatsoever in almost 5 years now- he claims zero desire and truly his p can’t get hard for me at least. He doesn’t look, smell or touch me at all. He is also extremely narcissistic and verbally/mentally abusive. He is miserable all the time. He does absolutely nothing around the house & slips and calls me mom once a month at least (he has a very angry relationship with his mother but relies on her financially until he met me now he financially depends on me bc his job pays junk and mine is good along with almost no retirement plans for him and a sweet set up by me starting 20+ yrs ago with intentional hard work and planning). Is it a trauma bond, cognitive dissonance? Or I apparently just love men who treat me poorly and can’t tear myself away no matter how logically I see that I should. He is my fourth husband, I have been physically/sexually/financially abused by past husbands. I am in therapy now 4+ years with great improvement logically- but subconsciously I cling to him like my life depends on it. No clue. I am just lost. Well, when I ask that question, I find there is always something significant, but I hope we both can see this is a jackpot. There is also a common denominator here - as you have pointed out. Without getting too far out on a speculative limb, it appears that you have a well-established and cognizant pattern of seeking out high-conflict relationships and/or abusive men. As it is your fourth marriage, and the same thing is happening again - you likely realize the trajectory this one is on as well. It's apparent he doesn't like you very much and likely has a terrible view of women in general, as well as a transactional view of sex in which the other person doesn't matter much - it's virtual masterbation - and you've already pointed out a likely origin story for that with his relationship with his mother (and that he slips and verbally swaps you with him). So, likely good advice is a lawyer to see how you can minimize the damage to your savings. Sounds like you are the breadwinner so you should be able to handle that with discretion. And time out on the marriage thing for a while until you are able to pinpoint why you seek out men who despise you. What happened to you that causes that? In my prolific post-marriage dating period, I found I was a magnet for women who themselves generally hated men, but who dated almost exclusively sadistic and sociopathic men. It was cloaked in feminist dogma and thus widely supported in their circles, but it was clear upon anything beyond surface-level discussion that they hated men (even if they thought me "the elusive exception"). I remember after pointing that out on a pivotal 5th date and whacking that hornet's nest, I had yet again decided to end that burgeoning relationship with one of those. I pointed out to her the unlikelihood of randomly dating 15+ abusive men in serial and every single male relationship in her life being abusive. Naturally, she assumed I was calling her a liar and morally deficient in "not believing women". I suggested that wasn't necessarily the case, but that there was a common denominator - herself and the kind of men she was seeking, or the kinds of sexual scenarios she was seeking and the care she would need in selecting the right man to agree to those. I said I was "out", but left her with a question: "What kind of relationship will you build with a man who doesn't care that you despise men? As in, his relationship goals aren't affected by that fact? What kind of men do you think those are going to be?" I'm not suggesting that you hate men at all - just pointing out that people (myself included) aren't always the best at analysing our own patterns in the world and how they end up producing the same results, even if those results appear as the way other people treat us. In your situation, it sounds like your husband was humiliated and ashamed of his own depravity and feels justifiably and irrevocably ashamed when he is around you - and like all narcissists, only has the reflective capacity to understand that he feels badly around YOU, rather than taking responsibility for his behavior. His error, now corrected, was in being careless in covering tracks. How likely do you think it is that this has ended? |
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