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Post by lonelywifedeeanna on Apr 19, 2024 13:17:14 GMT -5
In the last 6 months I have been treating myself well- eating clean, exercising, sleeping well, taking more care with my hair/make up/clothing/perfume. I have drastically improved myself physically as well as mentally with all the self care. Before I was sort of stuck in a depressive/self-neglect phase where I had resigned myself to my situation.
Hoever, now, I absolutely burn with jealousy over other women & that is NOT me- I see these much younger more beautiful women & I see my husband ogling them and he doesn’t even notice me at all. It makes me SO angry, sad, hopeless…
Maybe it’s because I thought ‘… surely if I look like THIS…he won’t be able to ignore me physically…’ but he can and he does. Since my changes he hasn’t said even once ‘you look great/beautiful’ or that he is proud of me.
It’s such a mind f k of feeling ‘not good enough’ 😓
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 19, 2024 15:36:00 GMT -5
Lonelywife: I did that long before I divorced. I worked out 2 hours a day. I lost 35 pounds. I looked terrific. My husband never commented.
You have to accept that your husband is NEVER going to give you the positive feedback/reactions you want. It's not you. It's him. You can't get love from a stone.
Once you let go of the belief that you can change him, once you accept who he is, you'll be able to let go of a marriage that will never be what you want.
Along the way to getting there, it will help to surround yourself with people who boost you and appreciate you for being the wonderful you whom you are.
I found lovingkindness meditation (look it up. You can find free audios) in which I first give loving affirmations to myself was very helpful in my learning to love and welcome myself.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Apr 19, 2024 16:47:22 GMT -5
In the last 6 months I have been treating myself well- eating clean, exercising, sleeping well, taking more care with my hair/make up/clothing/perfume. I have drastically improved myself physically as well as mentally with all the self care. Before I was sort of stuck in a depressive/self-neglect phase where I had resigned myself to my situation. Hoever, now, I absolutely burn with jealousy over other women & that is NOT me- I see these much younger more beautiful women & I see my husband ogling them and he doesn’t even notice me at all. It makes me SO angry, sad, hopeless… Maybe it’s because I thought ‘… surely if I look like THIS…he won’t be able to ignore me physically…’ but he can and he does. Since my changes he hasn’t said even once ‘you look great/beautiful’ or that he is proud of me. It’s such a mind f k of feeling ‘not good enough’ 😓 From my side as a man, yes I enjoy the female form. But .... my wife, even after babies, stretch marks, extra weight, no makeup and granny panties was always the most attractive woman to me. Most men are visually stimulated and yes I can appreciate the young hot women on tick tock, but I only ever wanted to sleep with the one that I thought loved me. If your man loves you, it doesn't take all the extra effort like perfume and sexy lingerie to seduce them. I think women do that more so to feel sexy and get themselves in the mood then for the men to be turned on. My wife in her baggy sweats could seduce me just by a touch if she wanted. |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 19, 2024 17:09:12 GMT -5
FWIW my ex refuser didn't compliment me or f me when I was young and at the height of my attractiveness. I'm now 72. I have c section scars, stress marks, and extra pounds. My post SM lover thinks I'm beautiful and have a beautiful body, However, my self esteem isn't based on his opinion of me. Words of affirmation is one of my major love languages. I now know that a partner who doesn't offer such words to me is not the right person for me to be with,
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lr79
New Member
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Post by lr79 on Apr 20, 2024 3:46:07 GMT -5
In the last 6 months I have been treating myself well- eating clean, exercising, sleeping well, taking more care with my hair/make up/clothing/perfume. I have drastically improved myself physically as well as mentally with all the self care. Before I was sort of stuck in a depressive/self-neglect phase where I had resigned myself to my situation. Hoever, now, I absolutely burn with jealousy over other women & that is NOT me- I see these much younger more beautiful women & I see my husband ogling them and he doesn’t even notice me at all. It makes me SO angry, sad, hopeless… Maybe it’s because I thought ‘… surely if I look like THIS…he won’t be able to ignore me physically…’ but he can and he does. Since my changes he hasn’t said even once ‘you look great/beautiful’ or that he is proud of me. It’s such a mind f k of feeling ‘not good enough’ 😓 To be honest I can relate to this as I am jealous because my wife doesn't do any of this, and have plenty of friends or work colleagues who do this yet because they are spoken for and so am I am stuck in a marriage that's been sexless since july 2021....and at nearly 45 have given up ever finding anyone else before I try keep having a nightmare scenario where I've tried a speed dating night (which would be way out my comfort zone) and found in the results after that no one liked or was interested in me so I get the being jealous and hating it thing its not nice hope things get better for you in future |
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diode
Junior Member
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Post by diode on Apr 20, 2024 21:12:49 GMT -5
In the last 6 months I have been treating myself well- eating clean, exercising, sleeping well, taking more care with my hair/make up/clothing/perfume. I have drastically improved myself physically as well as mentally with all the self care. Before I was sort of stuck in a depressive/self-neglect phase where I had resigned myself to my situation. Hoever, now, I absolutely burn with jealousy over other women & that is NOT me- I see these much younger more beautiful women & I see my husband ogling them and he doesn’t even notice me at all. It makes me SO angry, sad, hopeless… Maybe it’s because I thought ‘… surely if I look like THIS…he won’t be able to ignore me physically…’ but he can and he does. Since my changes he hasn’t said even once ‘you look great/beautiful’ or that he is proud of me. It’s such a mind f k of feeling ‘not good enough’ 😓 Your body has nothing to do with this issue; it's his brain (the biggest sex organ that the human body has to offer) that is the problem. You, like many of us, are powerless to remake the 1.5 kg of miswired intracranial gonad of another person. So, your choices are, rewire your 1.5 kg intracranial gonad so as to tolerate his miswired one. Or, go be an amazing you. I know which of those alternatives I favor. |
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 27, 2024 9:59:49 GMT -5
lonelywifedeeanna, welcome to the forum. My experience is on par with all the other responses. I was attracted to my wife through all of it, but without regard to what I was, it was never what she was attracted to. You are doing it right. Improve yourself. Improve your self esteem. But, don't do it for him. Do it for you. And, if he doesn't appreciate you, someone else will.
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Post by toughtiger on May 4, 2024 16:48:07 GMT -5
honestly lonelywifedeeanna maybe he does not want you to improve ... mine did not... he was sure i was doing it to leave him ....
he would be happier if i gained weight and he felt no one else would look....
It whatever your spouse reason for no sex and no interest is NOT about you it is all about them all the time....
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Post by Apocrypha on May 5, 2024 19:44:17 GMT -5
lonelywifedeeanna, when did the sex fall off with you? Did anything significant happen between you that would create anger or a fundamental disconnection?
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Post by lonelywifedeeanna on Jun 8, 2024 9:35:09 GMT -5
lonelywifedeeanna, when did the sex fall off with you? Did anything significant happen between you that would create anger or a fundamental disconnection? Four months after our wedding day, I discovered on his iPad a plethora of messages, searches, atm recipts, Uber receipts, gps data that showed he was visiting/obsessing over massage parlors, escorts, male nsa meet ups in rest stop bathrooms/parking lots- as well as creepily hounding female coworkers/friends/strangers for pics and/or meet ups. When I confronted him he exploded in anger & forbid me from asking any questions or speaking about it. Refuses counseling, says nothing ever really happened he just had an active imagination and was curious. He did straighten up (probably bc his internet, physical and financial activity was on lock down) but then it went from pulling teeth to get sex 1x a week (lasting 3 min and consisting of him laying on his back doing nothing) to no sex whatsoever in almost 5 years now- he claims zero desire and truly his p can’t get hard for me at least. He doesn’t look, smell or touch me at all. He is also extremely narcissistic and verbally/mentally abusive. He is miserable all the time. He does absolutely nothing around the house & slips and calls me mom once a month at least (he has a very angry relationship with his mother but relies on her financially until he met me now he financially depends on me bc his job pays junk and mine is good along with almost no retirement plans for him and a sweet set up by me starting 20+ yrs ago with intentional hard work and planning). Is it a trauma bond, cognitive dissonance? Or I apparently just love men who treat me poorly and can’t tear myself away no matter how logically I see that I should. He is my fourth husband, I have been physically/sexually/financially abused by past husbands. I am in therapy now 4+ years with great improvement logically- but subconsciously I cling to him like my life depends on it. No clue. I am just lost. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 8, 2024 11:47:02 GMT -5
I had to read this last post a couple times before reaponding. Co-dependency is a condition we see here on a semi regular basis. I think some of the members that frequent the "choosing to stay" theme have this as part of their persona.
I am no psychologist. I don't have a background in behavioral science so I won't try to speak to your last paragraph. But one thing pops into my silver haired head so I will ask. Are you being honest with your therapist? Are you completely forthcoming when discussing your life history? If you answered yes to both these questions then I have to question the credentials of your therapist. After 4 yrs. it seems to me they should have some answers or at least be able to postilute the rational for your clinging to your current spouse. If they can't put their finger on it by now I have to wonder just how competent they are.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jun 8, 2024 12:08:32 GMT -5
I hit the feeling jealous phase a few years back. I have a neighbor who is OK from a guy to guy perspective, but he is a disconnected, inattentive a-hole to his Wife and Kids most of the time. Friends with his family and from the conversations - he still gets regular action, BJ's and pretty much anything else. his wife kisses him and shows affection - while mine would just sit there, give a forced affectionless peck if needed to keep up appearances - and yeah - the jealousy can get to you. You feel that you are bending over backwards, taking care of her and yourself - and yet, the a-hole next door who does NOTHING gets what you so desperately need from your Wife. If you let that live inside your head, it will drive you mad and serve to constantly undermine your own self worth. It ISN'T about you - it IS about the withholding partner.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jun 9, 2024 10:15:38 GMT -5
It is a horrible feeling. My ex would either be wary of me trying to improve myself or be extra complimentary; either way, he wasn't having sex with me. Eventually I left and I found a partner who can't keep his hands off me (it took many years and several years of therapy before I felt healthy enough to date). Sorry you are dealing with this, and you have much support here from those of us who have experienced similar.
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lr79
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by lr79 on Jun 9, 2024 18:49:07 GMT -5
I hit the feeling jealous phase a few years back. I have a neighbor who is OK from a guy to guy perspective, but he is a disconnected, inattentive a-hole to his Wife and Kids most of the time. Friends with his family and from the conversations - he still gets regular action, BJ's and pretty much anything else. his wife kisses him and shows affection - while mine would just sit ether, give a forced affectionless peck if needed to keep up appearances - and yeah - the jealousy can get to you. You feel that you are bending over backwards, taking care of her and yourself - and yet, the a-hole next door who does NOTHING gets what you so desperately need from your Wife. If you let that live inside your head, it will drive you mad and serve to constantly undermine your own self worth. It ISN'T about you - it IS about the withholding partner. I've had the jealousy thing most of my life was practically a virgin till I was 30 soon to be 45 and me and wife have had sex once since july 2021 (and that occasion was a month ago) My biggest bug bear is cheats who either get away with it as their partner forgives them or they never get caught or they move on for the better....I can only dream of someone liking me in that way and have given up on finding someone else should me and wife ever separate before I even try (number of reasons why) feel embarrassed at how little sex experience I've ever had aside from twice with a girl when I was 25 (relationship lasted a month as she cheated) wife's been my only relationship and sex had been minimal for few years feel like a loser who doesn't belong in life compared to others who have sex lives and children especially the children part as feel like it's never going to happen for me So for me the whole cheats never prosper saying is BS basically |
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Post by toughtiger on Jun 9, 2024 18:57:09 GMT -5
lonelywifedeeanna , when did the sex fall off with you? Did anything significant happen between you that would create anger or a fundamental disconnection? Four months after our wedding day, I discovered on his iPad a plethora of messages, searches, atm recipts, Uber receipts, gps data that showed he was visiting/obsessing over massage parlors, escorts, male nsa meet ups in rest stop bathrooms/parking lots- as well as creepily hounding female coworkers/friends/strangers for pics and/or meet ups. When I confronted him he exploded in anger & forbid me from asking any questions or speaking about it. Refuses counseling, says nothing ever really happened he just had an active imagination and was curious. He did straighten up (probably bc his internet, physical and financial activity was on lock down) but then it went from pulling teeth to get sex 1x a week (lasting 3 min and consisting of him laying on his back doing nothing) to no sex whatsoever in almost 5 years now- he claims zero desire and truly his p can’t get hard for me at least. He doesn’t look, smell or touch me at all. He is also extremely narcissistic and verbally/mentally abusive. He is miserable all the time. He does absolutely nothing around the house & slips and calls me mom once a month at least (he has a very angry relationship with his mother but relies on her financially until he met me now he financially depends on me bc his job pays junk and mine is good along with almost no retirement plans for him and a sweet set up by me starting 20+ yrs ago with intentional hard work and planning). Is it a trauma bond, cognitive dissonance? Or I apparently just love men who treat me poorly and can’t tear myself away no matter how logically I see that I should. He is my fourth husband, I have been physically/sexually/financially abused by past husbands. I am in therapy now 4+ years with great improvement logically- but subconsciously I cling to him like my life depends on it. No clue. I am just lost. Wow that is a lot to deal with but i do not think anyone deserves to go through this... what is the attraction as you say this is fourth husband.... you need to realize you deserve better and even if later in life the idea that someone is better then NO one is NOT true.... |
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