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Post by lonelyhubby on Apr 19, 2024 7:05:23 GMT -5
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Apr 19, 2024 7:12:14 GMT -5
Just watched #8, very true. This guy seems to get it.
I'll have to watch the rest of the video later.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 23, 2024 4:43:45 GMT -5
#3 is huge at ILIASM.
Enormous issue when a partner is depressed and self-care is desperately obsessive.
Refusers may see their desire for celibacy as a need not met by refused spouse's relentless requests (drives work that way).
This may lead to #6, a need to explore resentments and reconcile them, on both sides.
A resentment for long term deprivation.
A resentment for demands or badgering of something not freely given. This may require identification and reconciliation over a potentially unrelated empathic rupture.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 27, 2024 12:18:15 GMT -5
Nowhere in the wedding vows does it say it's anybody's job to make their spouse happy, yet a lot of divorces happen because "I'm not happy."
Yes, he's right. Emotional and sexual needs are both important, but the former is pretty subjective. If I had spent enough time on my refusing wife to keep her happy, I could not have even had a successful stay-at-home job.
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Post by sundayblue0071 on Jun 22, 2024 23:26:18 GMT -5
Bravo to #8. So true. Emotional and sexual needs. But I wonder. Are men more emotionally and sexually needier than women?? I've been coming across a number of social posts on various platforms with women agreeing that men are the "needier" of the two genders in this regard and women can do fine, essentially, without men. That doesn't mean a straight women wouldn't still be opining for a man to satisfy her sexually but I guess women can do better without men than men without women? I don't know. But I do know that I am needy. I want a strong emotional/sexual bond with my partner. And my current partner and I just aren't sharing in that. I'm not even in love with my partner anymore. We're just two people living together, living in a burned out marriage and with a child who is getting all of the love and nurturing that I want and that my wife deserves too but has given so much of it to her daughter, leaving our marriage to wilt. I do fear for the ending of this story. I think we're eventually going to separate. Neither of us want to but I'm having serious trouble trying to continue our marriage if things don't begin improving. Too many frustrated years have gone by and now I'm only older, and if I were to date again, it's going be nothing but dating other divorcees looking for someone to share the remainder of their life with after having struck out with what they thought would be the love of their life.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 24, 2024 6:12:13 GMT -5
Bravo to #8. So true. Emotional and sexual needs. But I wonder. Are men more emotionally and sexually needier than women?? I've been coming across a number of social posts on various platforms with women agreeing that men are the "needier" of the two genders in this regard and women can do fine, essentially, without men. That doesn't mean a straight women wouldn't still be opining for a man to satisfy her sexually but I guess women can do better without men than men without women? I don't know. But I do know that I am needy. I want a strong emotional/sexual bond with my partner. And my current partner and I just aren't sharing in that. I'm not even in love with my partner anymore. We're just two people living together, living in a burned out marriage and with a child who is getting all of the love and nurturing that I want and that my wife deserves too but has given so much of it to her daughter, leaving our marriage to wilt. I do fear for the ending of this story. I think we're eventually going to separate. Neither of us want to but I'm having serious trouble trying to continue our marriage if things don't begin improving. Too many frustrated years have gone by and now I'm only older, and if I were to date again, it's going be nothing but dating other divorcees looking for someone to share the remainder of their life with after having struck out with what they thought would be the love of their life.
Dr Esther Perel estimates women habituate to their men after 4 years. Men take ten. Even in functional marriages that leaves six years of men wanting more special time with their spouse than the ladies. Dr Psychmom introduces the sad dynamic of avoidant-anxious pairings where the invested spouse is never provided satiation, never habituates and perpetually desires the spouse, staying in the "honeymoon phase"; wanting their spouse becomes who they are. Some women here at ILIASM will see themselves as the needy ones. Perhaps you would date divorcees. Maybe a woman who married an ambitious talented man who married his job and left her lonely, just as you married a mom. Both of you made mistakes, but would be well matched for each other. There are such stories here at ILIASM. Mrs. SundayBlues wants something from counseling, perhaps you can trade for the open marriage. Or she'll step up and figure out what it will take for her to become a sexual partner again. Your loss of attraction may make that unwanted and that may not be part of your negotiation. With an ordinary sex life re-established, support for the mother of your child as well as less distracted bonding with the daughter might be in the cards, Don't be to surprised if an open marriage means she gets an offer someday and surprises herself by accepting. Don't take it personally. This goes for divorce too. An ex-wife rocking another guy's world months later is unsurprising. New love is strong. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 24, 2024 6:34:52 GMT -5
At some point in the beginning stages of my SM, my then spouse began to label me as "needy" This was pretty much from the standpoint of my pursuit of getting her pants off being something I needed more then her, at this time in our marriage. In some ways she was correct. I did often feel the need to pump a load of my little swimmers into her. I didn't realize at the time she must have viewed this "needy" aspect far more negatively than I thought. I thought whe was simply exerting her feminist side, which was and is still quite strong at times. I never saw myself as needy, just horney.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jun 24, 2024 11:23:50 GMT -5
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Post by sundayblue0071 on Jun 24, 2024 20:44:11 GMT -5
At some point in the beginning stages of my SM, my then spouse began to label me as "needy" This was pretty much from the standpoint of my pursuit of getting her pants off being something I needed more then her, at this time in our marriage. In some ways she was correct. I did often feel the need to pump a load of my little swimmers into her. I didn't realize at the time she must have viewed this "needy" aspect far more negatively than I thought. I thought whe was simply exerting her feminist side, which was and is still quite strong at times. I never saw myself as needy, just horny. Yes, being horny is part of it too. Very valid point. |
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