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Post by lonelywifedeeanna on Apr 17, 2024 14:49:55 GMT -5
I know this may sound vain but I just ACHE for my husband to notice and appreciate little things- womanly things, about me. Like my perfume, or my clothes, dressing up for him, sexy shoes…and he is totally oblivious. I want him to touch me and kiss me…
It’s been 4 years since he touched me and even before that it was like pulling teeth. But he looks at other women and porn- just not me- which is absolutely devastating. Apparently this is common with sex addicts (which seems contradictory).
I feel like I am playing with fire- I don’t want to cheat. I really just want a normal intimate relationship with my husband but this aching feels like it is killing me. If I bring it up he explodes in anger- refuses any counseling or discussion on the topic and pulls the ‘I’m going to hurt myself’ card if divorce comes up. So what is the answer? Just live in pain like this- aching every day?
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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So lonely
Apr 17, 2024 15:16:15 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by m76 on Apr 17, 2024 15:16:15 GMT -5
I know this may sound vain but I just ACHE for my husband to notice and appreciate little things- womanly things, about me. Like my perfume, or my clothes, dressing up for him, sexy shoes…and he is totally oblivious. I want him to touch me and kiss me… It’s been 4 years since he touched me and even before that it was like pulling teeth. But he looks at other women and porn- just not me- which is absolutely devastating. Apparently this is common with sex addicts (which seems contradictory). I feel like I am playing with fire- I don’t want to cheat. I really just want a normal intimate relationship with my husband but this aching feels like it is killing me. If I bring it up he explodes in anger- refuses any counseling or discussion on the topic and pulls the ‘I’m going to hurt myself’ card if divorce comes up. So what is the answer? Just live in pain like this- aching every day? I'm so sorry you're going through this. To me, it sounds like threatening to hurt himself would qualify as abuse in addition the neglect you've been suffering. I don't have any easy answers but I feel your pain. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Apr 17, 2024 15:31:39 GMT -5
threats of self harm against someone is manipulation and emotional abuse. Perhaps you need to arrange a 72 hour legally enforce suicide custodial watch.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 17, 2024 18:55:02 GMT -5
lonelywifedeeannaIf a blackmailer threatens to shoot someone if you don't give in to their demands, you don't blame yourself if they go through with the murder. It doesn't change just because the hostage is the murderer themselves. You mustn't hold yourself responsible for someone else's self-harm. That said, you're not alone here. Maybe you already know that if you've reviewed some posts from the refused wives that post at ILIASM. Some "cheat", some divorce, some cope, and some take lovers with their refusing husbands aware of their extramarital relationship, some of those aware refusers eventually give tacit or explicit consent to their wives finding physical validation elsewhere. If your husband serves other valuable roles to you, perhaps neither divorce nor celibacy need to be your your choice. It depends on the perspectives you've brought with you. Is your husband's dire threat your only reason for not divorcing?
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Post by lonelywifedeeanna on Apr 18, 2024 10:05:32 GMT -5
If your husband serves other valuable roles to you, perhaps neither divorce nor celibacy need to be your your choice. It depends on the perspectives you've brought with you. Is your husband's dire threat your only reason for not divorcing? The self harm fear is definitely a deterrent but i honestly cannot figure out why i am so stuck in this marriage- he is very verbally and emotionally abusive on a regular basis. Our physical relationship was fairly normal in the beginning (hyper sexual even but that is how I wanted it)- but as we became more emotionally attached he withdrew physically. Four months after we married (2017) I found tons of crap on his computer where he was going to massage parlors, conversing with escorts and men from Craigslist for NSA encounters. This flat out devastated me & to this day I am messed up over the things I found- all while rejecting me. He screamed and flat out refused to discuss anything. I was suicidal at the end of 2019 & decided to do what I could to never feel that way again. I don’t know why I can’t extricate myself from this situation. Am I a masochist? Trauma bonded? Do I flat out enjoy being abused by men? I make twice what he does and he has little to no retirement whereas I have set myself up well. No kids. We do have a house and two cars so that complicates things a bit. I am reasonably attractive, a nice person and pleasant to be around. I just want a normal life lol and I feel baffled why I can’t seem to make it happen. |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 18, 2024 10:20:13 GMT -5
lonelywifedeanna: Get into individual therapy -- for yourself not to try to change your husband. Several years before I divorced or even thought of divorcing I got into therapy with a woman social worker whose expertise was with women suffering midlife crises. With her help, a focused on taking steps under my control to improv my life. I got involved in activities that interested me. I started working out regularly, took classes that interested me, made friends on my own -- without having my husband in tow. I became the kind of person I'd always admired but never thought I could be.
A couple of years after I completed therapy, I decided to divorce and did it without angst or regrets or needing to have another man waiting in the wings. Focus on you this way. Don't focus on your husband -- focus on the positive things you can develop and grow within yourself.
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Post by lonelywifedeeanna on Apr 18, 2024 11:18:05 GMT -5
lonelywifedeanna: Get into individual therapy -- for yourself not to try to change your husband. Several years before I divorced or even thought of divorcing I got into therapy with a woman social worker whose expertise was with women suffering midlife crises. With her help, a focused on taking steps under my control to improv my life. I got involved in activities that interested me. I started working out regularly, took classes that interested me, made friends on my own -- without having my husband in tow. I became the kind of person I'd always admired but never thought I could be. A couple of years after I completed therapy, I decided to divorce and did it without angst or regrets or needing to have another man waiting in the wings. Focus on you this way. Don't focus on your husband -- focus on the positive things you can develop and grow within yourself. Yes! I began counseling in 2019 with the aim of ‘making him see what he did to me and to make him go to an infidelity retreat’. I had a breakthrough in 2020 that my main issue was not that I couldn’t force him to do these things but why was *I* ok being with someone who could abuse/neglect/betray me so monumentally AND refuse to do one thing to mend it. I have slowly been working on boundaries, working on myself etc. I am at that phase where I am turning myself into someone I would admire- I have joined a women’s club, participate in volunteer work, expand my professional career, lost weight/working out/being healthy, participating in my children’s activities, agreeing to more experiences I would have never done before. Now I am just waiting on that part where I decide to divorce without angst, regrets or having another man waiting. How much longer will it take lol. I am impatient :-( he has such an inexplicable grasp on me for no reason. Can you pinpoint a turning point for you? A trigger that helped you? A book or a class? Why is it taking so long… |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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So lonely
Apr 18, 2024 11:47:52 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by m76 on Apr 18, 2024 11:47:52 GMT -5
This is the hardest stage. Making that final decision to leave.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 18, 2024 12:01:54 GMT -5
threats of self harm against someone is manipulation and emotional abuse. Perhaps you need to arrange a 72 hour legally enforce suicide custodial watch. any chance that 72hr. watch could go for 72 days just to be sure ? |
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So lonely
Apr 18, 2024 12:25:26 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by lonelywifedeeanna on Apr 18, 2024 12:25:26 GMT -5
threats of self harm against someone is manipulation and emotional abuse. Perhaps you need to arrange a 72 hour legally enforce suicide custodial watch. any chance that 72hr. watch could go for 72 days just to be sure ? It’s harder than you might think. My sister in law was baker acted and only kept for a few hours. If the person knows what to say they won’t be kept. For instance- in manipulative circumstances the person will make vague threats without details or a time line. Or do it one on one so they can deny those statements (no texts or other witnesses & it might as well have never happened). I would never make light of someone who wants to take their life, but in some instances it is clearly a manipulation. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 19, 2024 4:59:05 GMT -5
If your husband serves other valuable roles to you, perhaps neither divorce nor celibacy need to be your your choice. It depends on the perspectives you've brought with you. Is your husband's dire threat your only reason for not divorcing?
Our physical relationship was fairly normal in the beginning (hyper sexual even but that is how I wanted it)- but as we became more emotionally attached he withdrew physically.
Four months after we married (2017) I found tons of crap on his computer where he was going to massage parlors, conversing with escorts and men from Craigslist for NSA encounters. This flat out devastated me & to this day I am messed up over the things I found- all while rejecting me. He screamed and flat out refused to discuss anything.
I was suicidal at the end of 2019 & decided to do what I could to never feel that way again. I don’t know why I can’t extricate myself from this situation. Am I a masochist? Trauma bonded? Do I flat out enjoy being abused by men?
I make twice what he does and he has little to no retirement whereas I have set myself up well. No kids. We do have a house and two cars so that complicates things a bit. I am reasonably attractive, a nice person and pleasant to be around. I just want a normal life lol and I feel baffled why I can’t seem to make it happen.
Yes! I began counseling in 2019 with the aim of ‘making him see what he did to me and to make him go to an infidelity retreat’. I had a breakthrough in 2020 that my main issue was not that I couldn’t force him to do these things but why was *I* ok being with someone who could abuse/neglect/betray me so monumentally AND refuse to do one thing to mend it.
I have slowly been working on boundaries, working on myself etc. I am at that phase where I am turning myself into someone I would admire- I have joined a women’s club, participate in volunteer work, expand my professional career, lost weight/working out/being healthy, participating in my children’s activities, agreeing to more experiences I would have never done before.
Now I am just waiting on that part where I decide to divorce without angst, regrets or having another man waiting. How much longer will it take lol. I am impatient :-( he has such an inexplicable grasp on me for no reason. Can you pinpoint a turning point for you? A trigger that helped you? A book or a class? Why is it taking so long…
Consult with a lawyer what divorce will look like. That seems to get the gears grinding. You need not sign papers. You need never divorce. It is information to clarify your alternatives. Some members have been comforted by removing some of the scary unknown about divorced life and slowly edge their way to the door. Anonymous romps with Craigslist randos? Cripes, that isn't even safe for you. Sexlessness may be something you want at this point. I'm not one to push the divorce route, but emotional and verbal abuse as well as rampant adultery, and imposing celibacy on you? Barring a 180 that he initiates, I don't know how to justify staying. Any kids in the picture? Religious devotion holding you back? Family pressure or role models? (positive or negative) Societal disapproval you've internalized? Northstarmom's therapy suggestion might help flesh out the mental blocks you have. |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 19, 2024 13:20:32 GMT -5
lonelywifedeanna: "
Now I am just waiting on that part where I decide to divorce without angst, regrets or having another man waiting. How much longer will it take lol. I am impatient :-( he has such an inexplicable grasp on me for no reason. Can you pinpoint a turning point for you? A trigger that helped you? A book or a class? Why is it taking so long…"
At the end, I was staying with my husband because I thought that his disengaged behavior (he had become increasingly emotionally disengaged, but hadn't been that way throughout most of our marriage though we had gone for years at times without sex) was due to incipient Alzheimers, which everyone on his father's side of the family gets as they age. I stayed with him because I honestly thought he was getting dementia and I didn't want to abandon an ill spouse. I also thought he loved me.
However, when I was 60 and he was 62 I found evidence that he was having an affair. So, it was clear that the problem was he was having an affair. He wasn't suffering from dementia. Frankly, I was RELIEVED and divorced without anger or angst. I was just glad to be able to end it!
If I'd realized earlier that he didn't have dementia I would have divorced him earlier without angst or anger. Whether or not he loved me wouldn't have mattered to me. I'd seen my mom stay married to my father who verbally and physically abused her and cheated on her. She refused to divorce him because she thought divorce is embarrassing. She ended up, however, becoming his caregiver when he had a series of strokes when he was in his late 60s. By the time he died -- about 6 years later -- she was so depressed and worn out that every night she prayed to die in her sleep.
My husband was a good husband, good provider, good involved father. If he'd been physically or verbally abusive and/or if I had been the only breadwinner, I would have had no problems leaving him much earlier.
My advice for you is to focus your individual therapy on your getting a divorce. Have your therapist support you as you have consultations with lawyers to find out how divorce would work out for you. Have your therapist support you as you get the financial and other paperwork ready. I have panic attacks when dealing with financial paperwork so when I did my divorce paperwork, I did part of it during my therapy appointments, and I had a very good trusted friend, a finance professor, help me with the other parts. I'd actually ended my individual therapy a few years earlier after I'd grown into the type of person I'd always admired. Only reason I returned to therapy was for support with what was for me the hard part of divorce -- financial paperwork.
Make divorce your priority in your therapy. If you wait too long, you may find yourself in the situation my mom ended up in -- with a husband so ill or disabled that you truly feel stuck with him. The longer you stay married while being the breadwinner, the more you're likely to owe your husband in alimony. So for your own sake, start getting info from divorce lawyers. Often the first visit is free.
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