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Post by ggold on Jun 15, 2016 19:22:38 GMT -5
To see my four year old daughter in her daddy's arms. Saying, "I love you daddy." Giving him a big hug and kiss on his nose.
He's a great dad and loves the kids so much. They love and adore him. What I need to do is going to crush them. And it breaks my heart.
:-(
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 15, 2016 20:35:52 GMT -5
I hope you get a lot of emotional support on this one I truly do! My heart breaks when I read this.
One glimmer of hope is the reality that a four year old can be very loving, open and sharing to most adults. I had a few two and three year olds who would tell me they love me and give me there affection, when I did child care a few days a week. Dad can still be an active part of her life. While you can find your own joy, and still have a meaningful,loving relationship with your daughter.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 15, 2016 20:43:21 GMT -5
He is not going to stop being their Dad. Kids are very adaptable and to be really honest they are quite self-centred. As long as somebody is there loving them all the time, it may not make too much difference to them whether it is their time with him or with you. And if he is a great, loving Dad then they will get the love wherever they are. There is no doubt it is going to be hard. But don't make it harder for yourself by projecting stuff onto everyone else that may or may not be true. You (and they) are going to need all the strength you have.  |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2016 21:00:59 GMT -5
He is not going to stop being their Dad. Kids are very adaptable and to be really honest they are quite self-centred. As long as somebody is there loving them all the time, it may not make too much difference to them whether it is their time with him or with you. And if he is a great, loving Dad then they will get the love wherever they are. There is no doubt it is going to be hard. But don't make it harder for yourself by projecting stuff onto everyone else that may or may not be true. You (and they) are going to need all the strength you have. THIS^^^ |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 15, 2016 21:13:42 GMT -5
I have young children too. It is very hard to imagine but if you have reached that decision then as long as you keep reminding them that everything is okay then they will believe you. I hope you find the strength to be honest with him and you find your way out.
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Post by ggold on Jun 15, 2016 21:37:08 GMT -5
I have young children too. It is very hard to imagine but if you have reached that decision then as long as you keep reminding them that everything is okay then they will believe you. I hope you find the strength to be honest with him and you find your way out. Thank you and ((hugs)). |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 15, 2016 21:46:11 GMT -5
I have young children too. It is very hard to imagine but if you have reached that decision then as long as you keep reminding them that everything is okay then they will believe you. I hope you find the strength to be honest with him and you find your way out. Thank you and ((hugs)). Big Hugs <3 |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 15, 2016 21:51:30 GMT -5
You are definitely thinking about what is best for the children. That is " part" of the equation. Think about a few years from now. Your other kids are older? What kind of example will the two of you be setting? Certainly not a happily married couple to be modeled after. Older kids pick up on that. Then comes more avoidance.
Hard to think about now. The next time the two of you talk about your future plans five years from now, think of how loveless your marriage will be.
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Post by baza on Jun 15, 2016 23:10:56 GMT -5
I think you may have two separate issues lumped together here Sister ggold.
#1 - is the relationship between you and your spouse
#2 - is the relationship between your spouse and his daughter.
They are NOT the same thing.
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#2 is NOT dependent on #1 staying intact.
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I think you'd be well advised to regard them as entirely separate issues.
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*IF* you end up choosing to end your marital relationship with him....
And "IF" he is such a wonderful fellow ....
Then the parting "COULD" be reasonably amicable ....
And although all the parties directly involved will be upset for a while, no-one needs to be "crushed" in the process.
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But from what you have thus far written about your spouse, it doesn't read like he's a wonderful fellow at all.
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Is the key here that you feel - at some level - he is likely to act like a complete prick when you get down to the end game ?
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Post by iceman on Jun 16, 2016 9:06:26 GMT -5
I understand completely. My kids aren't as young as yours, they're in high school, and I have those same feelings. It's my biggest worry as well. But, I also know that the parents can greatly reduce the stress on their children if they can be adults and work together to raise their kids. I have some experience with that.
My first wife and I have a daughter who was 6 yo when we divorced. The divorce was my ex's idea and I was very hurt and angry, and I was particularly angry at what I felt it was going to do to our daughter. But I resisted the temptation to bash my ex in front of my daughter and only had kind things to say. I even told her that the divorce was something we mutually decided so she wouldn't blame my ex. Her mother and I never lost sight of the fact that we were parents and we worked together to raise our daughter. When it came to our daughter we had very few disagreements. Besides being a bit spoiled she turned out to be a wonderful person. Sure, she would have preferred to have her parents together but she also saw that we were happier apart. And I came to see that the divorce was the right thing to do, not only for my ex and me, but also for our daughter. It wasnt perfect by any stretch of the imagination but she was raised by parents who were much happier and better parents than she would have been had we gutted it out and stayed married.
You need to remember that married or not you will still be her mother and H will still be her father and you will still be a family, just not the kind of family where mom and dad live together, and that's okay. There are many kinds of families and being part of a family is what's important, not what kind of family it is.
Hope this helps.
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Post by Dan on Jun 16, 2016 9:31:03 GMT -5
Any family decision is ALWAYS a balancing act.
As a loving mom, you want to do everything possible for your kids. That's wonderful!
But you can't spend beyond your financial means for them: buying frivolous stuff or expensive vacations or even sending them to an expensive college that you can't afford. Well, you could strain and spend a bit beyond your financial means for any of those things... but at a financial and emotional COST to you and the rest of the family. Spending like this would NOT be a kind thing for a child, if it hurts the rest of the family.
So it is emotionally: you can't spend beyond your emotional capacity. If you are at the end of the rope with your husband, if the drain of your marriage to him is so great that you have no more to give, IT WILL HURT THE REST OF THE FAMILY if you try to stay with it. Spending like this is NOT a kind thing for your children: it hurts them (in the long run) if it is hurting you that badly.
Acting out of self-preservation is NOT an unkind thing to do to your children; it is a gift to them.
They need a mom... not a shell of a mom who is putting on a brave face and sticking with it "just for the kids" while she is dying inside.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 14:30:48 GMT -5
To see my four year old daughter in her daddy's arms. Saying, "I love you daddy." Giving him a big hug and kiss on his nose. He's a great dad and loves the kids so much. They love and adore him. What I need to do is going to crush them. And it breaks my heart. :-( What will crush her is if the divorce is a brutal fight. If she sees you working together to still be her parents that will go a long way towards her healing. |
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Post by ggold on Jun 17, 2016 9:34:18 GMT -5
To see my four year old daughter in her daddy's arms. Saying, "I love you daddy." Giving him a big hug and kiss on his nose. He's a great dad and loves the kids so much. They love and adore him. What I need to do is going to crush them. And it breaks my heart. :-( What will crush her is if the divorce is a brutal fight. If she sees you working together to still be her parents that will go a long way towards her healing. You are right. :-( |
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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 18:40:04 GMT -5
I totally get it. My husband loves on our children and they absolutely adore him. I have never doubted his love for them.
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