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Post by toughtiger on Mar 25, 2024 8:55:48 GMT -5
I know many may lurk or come here expecting to find ways to Cope and items that work but for many it becomes crystal clear it will not work.
I have chatted with a friend who regrets his divorce mostly for Money reasons and the idea of happy ever after seriously.... said if his ex could not do this or that and communicate it could have worked. this friend tells me each day that i complain that it all such small things .... things i should be able to turn the other cheek to etc.
NO....it is not. It is death by a MILLION little cuts....... i have tried he has decided a hug a day is all i need ....LMAO
my weekend: Tell me i am the problem and i should just STFU and smile ......
Friday afternoon i had a piece of tooth break and i have to find a new dentist old one does not take our new insurance i guess.. he lost cards as he thought our dental was on our medical cards and threw dental away .. he literally asked about what i want for dinner offering steak or ribs ....great idea with a bad tooth.....
Told him i did not feel well ......and he said he would get me some ginger-ale to help my stomach ... yet he drank most of it....
he has saved a ton of boxes and packing from his amazon purchases ..... AS we are expecting family to stop by for 2-3 days in a week so he finally breaks down boxes etc and throws in recycling when i have asked since Christmas to take care of that mess he was "i NEED them " what changed??? his need disappeared or the family are more important then I am wanting the guest room clean
Asked him a week ago to look over a list released by a near by concert venue as I am trying the date thing AGAIN .... he said and I quote " I looked it was all crap" ...... then 2 days later asked me what venue it was and said "oh there are a few what one would you like? " i mentioned 2 and he starts to complain about cost.........
I was working in yard..... he is too tired to come out and help and his health .... I start talking with neighbors he RUNS out to stand next to me hand on my shoulder to look like we are together...
In my eyes complete disregard... and the concert one shows bold face LIE .... i see this as disrespect and not excusable at all ... Death by a million acts of selfish BS
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 25, 2024 10:17:23 GMT -5
Sounds like anything other than your existing "H" would be an improvement? Are you finding other things to do with your time? That would give you more easy and fun times? ( start putting yourself first)
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 196
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Mar 25, 2024 11:28:42 GMT -5
Yeah the arm on shoulder thing is strange to me.. a million cuts indeed. Are you trying to make it work? I would have to think your divorced male friend might be discouraging you. That's my take. I'm teetering on the same feeling but I need that connection to live. Is there something wrong with that?
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 25, 2024 14:32:51 GMT -5
Go to the concert by yourself or with a friend. Of course your H will complain, too bad. Death by a million cuts is real. Yes they are all small things, easily ignored. But the volume is overwhelming, our equilibrium is disturbed and cannot be restored before the next "small cut". You have mentioned his health, do you want to be there with him if he suffers a true debilitating crisis?
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 25, 2024 19:34:08 GMT -5
jim4444 said: " You have mentioned his health, do you want to be there with him if he suffers a true debilitating crisis?"
Perceptive question. My mom, due to embarrassment, refused to divorce my dad who'd cheated on her from the first days of their marriage. During what should have been her golden years, she ended up being his caregiver after he had strokes and became mute, partly paralyzed and incontinent. By the time he died, she was so depressed she told me that every night she prayed to die. She had very little joy during the rest of her life because she was so broken down after that marriage.
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 25, 2024 20:37:02 GMT -5
jim4444 said: " You have mentioned his health, do you want to be there with him if he suffers a true debilitating crisis?" Perceptive question. My mom, due to embarrassment, refused to divorce my dad who'd cheated on her from the first days of their marriage. During what should have been her golden years, she ended up being his caregiver after he had strokes and became mute, partly paralyzed and incontinent. By the time he died, she was so depressed she told me that every night she prayed to die. She had very little joy during the rest of her life because she was so broken down after that marriage. Wow .....Northstarmom that is depressing and yes it is a real concern ... i do not want to be a caretaker either..... he is not taking care of himself and i hope he goes quickly when time comes....... or he is standing behind my car in the driveway.... lol just kidding His health got a big improvement with a heart procedure but he is playing the "i can't card" instead of taking this chance to lose weight or improve his situation ( doctors should be saying hey fatso get moving ) ..... he complains his legs hurt if he walks much and i want to say "it takes time to build up endurance and get use to it" ......... as he has sat on couch for a year. I have tried to be civil and see if anything can be salvaged .......but he takes each day to in some way make a issue out of nothing or some petty dig at my expense ..... he always has seen something ....did something or traveled places that i have not ...... it is beyond narcissism..... it can not be explained ..... he lies and makes junk up if he does not know answers it is juvenile. I plan on going places myself anyway .. the stupid thing is he is against any suggestion I made ...........if concert was his idea it would be OK to spend money and go etc ... my idea there has to be an issues or reason to just not go ..... I was just more pissed he told me it was all crap before looking..... and then tries to walk back the lie of even looking at possible concerts ... if i call him on it .... We are not in a competition ..... i do not know why he is so petty he was not like that when he was younger.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 26, 2024 5:34:10 GMT -5
Why does the divorced guy think he's still a keeper? What are the plus sides?
Does your divorced friend know the sexless part? I don't think I saw that mentioned. (or my memory is garbage. highly plausible) We've heard ILIASM members complain and get reassured only to be met with stunned silence when the celibacy is added on.
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 26, 2024 7:22:31 GMT -5
Why does the divorced guy think he's still a keeper? What are the plus sides? Does your divorced friend know the sexless part? I don't think I saw that mentioned. (or my memory is garbage. highly plausible) We've heard ILIASM members complain and get reassured only to be met with stunned silence when the celibacy is added on. I applaud the expert hit the nail on the head ...Yes Mirrororchid when told about no sex the vision changed and at end of his marriage same thing My co-worker is all about people should stay together... really i feel his issue was about the financial hit as he was sole income and she took half .... after an especially long conversation about rising above the small things and give spouse all this benefit of the doubt ... i told him outright about the zero sex life....and for how long to which he agreed that is a end to the marriage. I am not why he is so consumed about what if...in his own life ... he has a girlfriend and that is really a FWB thing as both say IF things were different they would both still be with ex spouses. I enjoy my chats with him because i always think there is stuff to learn from other perspectives.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 26, 2024 21:37:54 GMT -5
medium.com/heart-affairs/how-dead-bedrooms-gaslight-you-301d405c858b How Dead Bedrooms Gaslight You Good partners try to fix a dead bedroom.MonalisaSmiled Good partners try to fix a dead bedroom. “How can we make this better for us both?” Or “Is there something you need, or is something wrong? Is sex a problem, like, physically, for you?”You genuinely want to know, not just because you’re desperate to remember the ecstasy of touch, the mind-blowing pleasure of being intimate with someone you care about, and that they feel the same about you. But because you care.
That’s when you start questioning your sanity.
That’s what dead bedrooms do. Dead bedrooms gaslight you.
They fucking gaslight you without words. In your head, you decide it’s your problem. You’re at fault for even possessing the human frailty of enjoying sexual pleasure and wanting it in your life. It’s your fault for not maturing enough to grow out of it. Your significant other says: “Why do you need sex?” “I can’t believe you are always horny!” “Sex is so overrated.” It must be your fault, right? Because the total lack of return to your touch, words, or vulnerability hurts. Well, that must mean it’s your fault. Then, you harden the fuck up. A day comes. Something snaps. A casual, snide comment. The one-thousandth time you don’t get thanked for doing something for your other. And the word partner suddenly becomes a joke. “Partners” do things together. “Partners” give a fuck about their “partner’s” feelings. “Partners” would disregard the insignificant little bumps on the road of their relationship because “partners” would still be getting their rocks off, would be feeling good about themselves and their relationship, and would be less strangled by the bony fingers of low self-esteem. PARTNERS would be less likely to feel the little hurts because they get to feel the big pleasures.But because none of those base human needs are being sated, even if only satisfied at a quarter as much as you’d like, you snap. And snap hard. “Fuck this shit!” you mutter under your breath. And the next day, you list on Ashley Madison.When your self-esteem is crushed, your sexuality is repressed, and your sex drive is unquenched and central to who you are. To be wanted. To be desired. To feel desired. So we seek out options, exposing our vulnerability even more, with no clue if we’ll be validated. “Am I still desirable?” “Can I even find a lover?” “Am I still hot enough?” Because the dead bedroom has pulverized you. You have dealt with the worst nightmare of sleeping through thousands of nights in a dead bedroom — 24 hours a day for years and years. The fear that no one will ever desire you again. Until you get out.
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 27, 2024 18:52:21 GMT -5
I am at a crossroads...... last night while talking with our son i got a email from my secret friend ....i looked quickly and then returned to conversation i think i smiled and now H thinks i was making some secret about him with our son.....he stomped around and slamming doors .... i told him i had no idea what he is talking about.
I reached out to our son asked did i say anything or whisper stuff to you and i am not recognizing i did that .... ? I really was willing to look my behavior and own whatever. my son said and i quote " Dad shot u a look while you were listening to me before we talked about finding a new dentist....What would it matter if you did whisper ....we have had side conversations for YEARS because he ignores all of us...."
i do not want to tick H off more but would like to show him what his own son says about him.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Mar 28, 2024 6:05:51 GMT -5
I am at a crossroads...... last night while talking with our son i got a email from my secret friend ....i looked quickly and then returned to conversation i think i smiled and now H thinks i was making some secret about him with our son.....he stomped around and slamming doors .... i told him i had no idea what he is talking about. I reached out to our son asked did i say anything or whisper stuff to you and i am not recognizing i did that .... ? I really was willing to look my behavior and own whatever. my son said and i quote " Dad shot u a look while you were listening to me before we talked about finding a new dentist....What would it matter if you did whisper ....we have had side conversations for YEARS because he ignores all of us...." i do not want to tick H off more but would like to show him what his own son says about him. I would not try to mix in the children's perspective into your SM situation - the lack of engagement from Father to Son I believe is associated with his disengagement of your personal spousal relationship - sounds like he needs a psychiatrist I do think he needs to know that his own Son sees him as avoidant and feels ignored.
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 28, 2024 8:53:27 GMT -5
I would not try to mix in the children's perspective into your SM situation - the lack of engagement from Father to Son I believe is associated with his disengagement of your personal spousal relationship - sounds like he needs a psychiatrist I do think he needs to know that his own Son sees him as avoidant and feels ignored. our kids are grown and on their own so it is not like asking a minor child. I was sort of sorry for spouse as the kids see him as distant and avoidant without it being me telling them. I only asked as i have been working on my reactions and wanted to know IF i was doing what i was accused of and not recognizing it.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Mar 28, 2024 9:06:27 GMT -5
What you did sounded OK to me - seem smore like walking on eggshells for his reaction, where he doesn't engage unless it's to be defensive, project or complain
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Post by toughtiger on Apr 9, 2024 8:58:14 GMT -5
A captive audience provided a breakthrough........ he took a week off and as our home has tandem parking my car was the one we took to do some shopping on the weekend. He actually threw a hissy fit at a garden store as i talked of planting a garden this year I have not done in a few years..... He thinks he is helping by taking over the project telling me to grow this or that even though he does not eat that so 4 tomato plants for just me is stupid.
So after his meltdown on drive home i went slow and told him "I no longer want to fight over stupid things and we all know it boils down to other things" .... " i appreciate he thinks what he is doing makes up for the rift in our marriage but over planting or buying stuff just because he thinks i like it ........is pouring gas on a fire" "Helping is not taking over and giving me orders like i am hired help" I do not know where he is emotionally or talk about the elephant in the room of no sex or connection because he will not talk ..... HIS agreeing to ONE session of counseling was an insult as one session is....... a therapist saying "tell me about yourself ... ok time is up"
I did not smooth things over as i often do ........i did not back down ....i did not waver ..... he could not call me names and walk out of a room.....as i am driving and he is a captive audience..... it may have been hard on him but he said he understood more .... and was shocked by what i said ..... told him if he had actually listened and not tune me out..... he would know this ....
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 9, 2024 9:36:13 GMT -5
I did not smooth things over as i often do ........i did not back down ....i did not waver ..... he could not call me names and walk out of a room.....as i am driving and he is a captive audience..... it may have been hard on him but he said he understood more .... and was shocked by what i said ..... told him if he had actually listened and not tune me out..... he would know this ....
I know this is in the "to stay column" but I don't like seeing anyone have false hope ,like I have in the past, and to see others going through it.
Yes, having a captive audience for a manipulative controller is necessary. Does it work? maybe....if it has consequences.
For me, the consequences needed "extra power". That extra power finally came when attorney,after her attorney told my ex " Nope. That's not the way the law works. A judge is never going to accept that."
Now I wonder how many times my ex W gets told " nope that's not the way a relationship is going to work, no man ( or in your case, woman) is going to accept that."
Do you have any thoughts or ideas on how the " consequences- enforcement of your boundaries" can/should be? While remaining married and sexless to your spouse?
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