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Post by nowildthing on Mar 14, 2024 17:46:58 GMT -5
Hello, I'm a newbie but not new to this subject. My first question would be; How is "putting the kids first" really "putting the kids first" when your spouse feels neglected and unloved, is being refused in the bedroom, and the kids have to live in a home permeated with the resulting tension and conflict? OK more questions: For the ladies refusing Dad and vis versa; have they stopped to think somebody will be doing the same to their kid when he/she gets married? What about training daughters/sons how to treat a spouse when they grow up....by example?
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diode
Junior Member
Posts: 78 
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Post by diode on Mar 14, 2024 18:40:17 GMT -5
Hello, I'm a newbie but not new to this subject. My first question would be; How is "putting the kids first" really "putting the kids first" when your spouse feels neglected and unloved, is being refused in the bedroom, and the kids have to live in a home permeated with the resulting tension and conflict? OK more questions: For the ladies refusing Dad and vis versa; have they stopped to think somebody will be doing the same to their kid when he/she gets married? What about training daughters/sons how to treat a spouse when they grow up....by example? You're already many steps ahead of your questions. Young ones see everything, hear everything, feel everything, and learn everything, whether that everything is good/bad or right/wrong. If you stick with a foul marriage "for the good of the kids," your best hope is that their form of rebellion is to become a loving, open and honest participants in functional intimate adult relationships. |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 15, 2024 1:54:51 GMT -5
So, to your first question about putting the children first. When I was in my marriage and very unhappy I felt it was selfish to torpedo a stable and happy home just to become sexually active. I saw this as selflessness as I only ever imagined negative outcomes for the children if I acted to improve my quality of life. With some distance now, I look back and realise that these choices were selfless, but there was also avoidance in equal measure. While I chose to believe there would only be negative outcomes for my children I had a ready made excuse to do nothing.
To your second question, I do not believe my H thought about anything past ensuring his life was just as he liked it.
The final question is on my mind at the moment. My son recently fell really hard for someone and is head over heels in love, which is great for a mum to see as he is super happy. But your question is haunting me. Will he become the emotional doormat he saw me being and relentlessly give in the face of neglect? If that comes to be, that will be my price to pay for my unwillingness to act earlier in life. Hopefully, it will not be the case. For both of us.
A final thought. I have recently realised that I have some very mixed feelings about watching my son’s choices in relation to his new girlfriend. His care, enjoyment and investment in giving to the relationship. And also his vigilance towards her happiness and the joy he gets from making her feel loved and secure. This has proved to be somewhat painful for me to witness as it provides such a contrast to my experiences of my marriage. I am delighted to see it all, but there are days when it stings and I didn’t anticipate that. I deserved so much better but lost sight of the extent of the neglect and/or was too afraid to prioritise my happiness.
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Post by nowildthing on Mar 18, 2024 9:07:14 GMT -5
So, to your first question about putting the children first. When I was in my marriage and very unhappy I felt it was selfish to torpedo a stable and happy home just to become sexually active. I saw this as selflessness as I only ever imagined negative outcomes for the children if I acted to improve my quality of life. With some distance now, I look back and realise that these choices were selfless, but there was also avoidance in equal measure. While I chose to believe there would only be negative outcomes for my children I had a ready made excuse to do nothing. To your second question, I do not believe my H thought about anything past ensuring his life was just as he liked it. The final question is on my mind at the moment. My son recently fell really hard for someone and is head over heels in love, which is great for a mum to see as he is super happy. But your question is haunting me. Will he become the emotional doormat he saw me being and relentlessly give in the face of neglect? If that comes to be, that will be my price to pay for my unwillingness to act earlier in life. Hopefully, it will not be the case. For both of us. A final thought. I have recently realised that I have some very mixed feelings about watching my son’s choices in relation to his new girlfriend. His care, enjoyment and investment in giving to the relationship. And also his vigilance towards her happiness and the joy he gets from making her feel loved and secure. This has proved to be somewhat painful for me to witness as it provides such a contrast to my experiences of my marriage. I am delighted to see it all, but there are days when it stings and I didn’t anticipate that. I deserved so much better but lost sight of the extent of the neglect and/or was too afraid to prioritise my happiness. So, are you saying your H was the refuser? |
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Post by nowildthing on Mar 18, 2024 11:41:50 GMT -5
Hello, I'm a newbie but not new to this subject. My first question would be; How is "putting the kids first" really "putting the kids first" when your spouse feels neglected and unloved, is being refused in the bedroom, and the kids have to live in a home permeated with the resulting tension and conflict? OK more questions: For the ladies refusing Dad and vis versa; have they stopped to think somebody will be doing the same to their kid when he/she gets married? What about training daughters/sons how to treat a spouse when they grow up....by example? You're already many steps ahead of your questions. Young ones see everything, hear everything, feel everything, land earn everything, whether that everything is good/bad or right/wrong. If you stick with a foul marriage "for the good of the kids," your best hope is that their form of rebellion is to become a loving, open and honest participants in functional intimate adult relationships. I made the choice to stay with mine. it's had a lot of ups and downs. 39 years and counting. A have one son, still married to the same woman. But another son is now on his third, and has kids with the first 2. It breaks my heart to see it. I come from the end of an era where, if something needing fixing, you fixed it instead of throwing it away. |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 18, 2024 15:39:11 GMT -5
So, to your first question about putting the children first. When I was in my marriage and very unhappy I felt it was selfish to torpedo a stable and happy home just to become sexually active. I saw this as selflessness as I only ever imagined negative outcomes for the children if I acted to improve my quality of life. With some distance now, I look back and realise that these choices were selfless, but there was also avoidance in equal measure. While I chose to believe there would only be negative outcomes for my children I had a ready made excuse to do nothing. To your second question, I do not believe my H thought about anything past ensuring his life was just as he liked it. The final question is on my mind at the moment. My son recently fell really hard for someone and is head over heels in love, which is great for a mum to see as he is super happy. But your question is haunting me. Will he become the emotional doormat he saw me being and relentlessly give in the face of neglect? If that comes to be, that will be my price to pay for my unwillingness to act earlier in life. Hopefully, it will not be the case. For both of us. A final thought. I have recently realised that I have some very mixed feelings about watching my son’s choices in relation to his new girlfriend. His care, enjoyment and investment in giving to the relationship. And also his vigilance towards her happiness and the joy he gets from making her feel loved and secure. This has proved to be somewhat painful for me to witness as it provides such a contrast to my experiences of my marriage. I am delighted to see it all, but there are days when it stings and I didn’t anticipate that. I deserved so much better but lost sight of the extent of the neglect and/or was too afraid to prioritise my happiness. So, are you saying your H was the refuser? Yep. It’s a thing. Half of the people here are female. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 18, 2024 19:22:43 GMT -5
You're already many steps ahead of your questions. Young ones see everything, hear everything, feel everything, land earn everything, whether that everything is good/bad or right/wrong. If you stick with a foul marriage "for the good of the kids," your best hope is that their form of rebellion is to become a loving, open and honest participants in functional intimate adult relationships. I made the choice to stay with mine. it's had a lot of ups and downs. 39 years and counting. A have one son, still married to the same woman. But another son is now on his third, and has kids with the first 2. It breaks my heart to see it. I come from the end of an era where, if something needing fixing, you fixed it instead of throwing it away. And after 39 years of attempting to fix your marriage, you still have hope? Does Mrs. Nowildthing think the marriage is broken? Does she throw sand in the gears as fast as you can clean it out? What may be broken is your son's odd compulsion to marry over and over. Is some devotion to the Almighty in play here? How many sets of alimony does he intend to rack up? Is his cardboard box well furnished? Can he afford two sets of suspenders for the barrel he's wearing? I've grown to question the entire concept. My SM was repaired, might still be okay (we've hit a bump in the road), but she will be my only wife. Marriage is a game of Russian Roulette with one empty chamber. I've come out of the insanity only bruised. I find that exceptionally lucky. |
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 19, 2024 8:53:56 GMT -5
Kids can see hear and learn many things by observation but in the end it is what they chose to do with that knowledge. Many parents stay not for the picture of a marriage but for financial security for kids.
Out of my kids, 2 are extremely happy in long term relationships .......and my youngest that saw the worst of our marriage is a mess ........always chasing happy and not dealing with even good relationships take work.. every person has flaws that come out sooner or later.
My youngest told a sibling they are" NOT going to be stuck in an unhappy situation just because mom did." .... that is their view only other kids see it differently. I can say they get more critical of the idea of me leaving now.
I do not think we can blame ourselves for any issues kids have in relationships... they can chose to follow our lead or do the opposite.... bad examples do not have to be repeated.
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Mar 19, 2024 9:48:32 GMT -5
Kids can see hear and learn many things by observation but in the end it is what they chose to do with that knowledge. Many parents stay not for the picture of a marriage but for financial security for kids. Out of my kids, 2 are extremely happy in long term relationships .......and my youngest that saw the worst of our marriage is a mess ........always chasing happy and not dealing with even good relationships take work.. every person has flaws that come out sooner or later. My youngest told a sibling they are" NOT going to be stuck in an unhappy situation just because mom did." .... that is their view only other kids see it differently. I can say they get more critical of the idea of me leaving now. I do not think we can blame ourselves for any issues kids have in relationships... they can chose to follow our lead or do the opposite.... bad examples do not have to be repeated. Exactly.. and lots of communication between them and the parent. We can only guide them. There adults now. I see it as the more examples they see the better. Good or bad. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 19, 2024 9:54:43 GMT -5
Kids can see hear and learn many things by observation but in the end it is what they chose to do with that knowledge. Many parents stay not for the picture of a marriage but for financial security for kids. Out of my kids, 2 are extremely happy in long term relationships .......and my youngest that saw the worst of our marriage is a mess ........always chasing happy and not dealing with even good relationships take work.. every person has flaws that come out sooner or later. My youngest told a sibling they are" NOT going to be stuck in an unhappy situation just because mom did." .... that is their view only other kids see it differently. I can say they get more critical of the idea of me leaving now. I do not think we can blame ourselves for any issues kids have in relationships... they can chose to follow our lead or do the opposite.... bad examples do not have to be repeated. I have to agree with this. My 1st W. and I tried to set good examples of healthy eating, an active lifestyle, etc. We didn't smoke. Our chikdren on the other hand both choose to partake of tobacco products on a daily basis. The thousands of dollars spent on braces, cleanings etc. were somewhat wasted as both have lost teeth to the tobacco usage And it is only recently they started eating healther, in their mid 30's. Children have their own personalities and they will do as they wish as adults. Just hope they don't do anything really dumb. |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 19, 2024 18:12:13 GMT -5
Kids can see hear and learn many things by observation but in the end it is what they chose to do with that knowledge. Many parents stay not for the picture of a marriage but for financial security for kids. Out of my kids, 2 are extremely happy in long term relationships .......and my youngest that saw the worst of our marriage is a mess ........always chasing happy and not dealing with even good relationships take work.. every person has flaws that come out sooner or later. My youngest told a sibling they are" NOT going to be stuck in an unhappy situation just because mom did." .... that is their view only other kids see it differently. I can say they get more critical of the idea of me leaving now. I do not think we can blame ourselves for any issues kids have in relationships... they can chose to follow our lead or do the opposite.... bad examples do not have to be repeated. I know you are correct with this. The difference between what I know and what I feel, I think. I seem to feel the need to be guilty about something regardless of how illogical it is. |
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