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Post by mrmusic on Mar 4, 2024 15:09:54 GMT -5
Greetings all,
I am an unfortunate member of the dead bedroom club, finding myself in a difficult situation on how/where/what to do.
I am a fit married man,40, been with my wife for 15 years, 2 children in middle school. I am the primary income earner.
Our sexless marriage has been an issue 6-7 years now with myself having a much higher sex drive and always initiating etc, W is not a very high drive.
Unfortunately W had a significant health issue with cancer that has impacted her health and sex drive even more (there was issues prior). She is on hormone therapy plus had her ovaries removed as her cancer was hormone driven.
We had been in therapy soon after her diagnosis but have not been in several years. She seems to have zero interest in sex and when I have raised it, she has used other reasoning on why sex isnt happening. We are not otherwise fighting or hostile towards each other so I find her reasoning very confusing.
This has been impacting my mental health and feel a bit lost and trapped between a confluence of issues.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 4, 2024 16:51:20 GMT -5
Any chance she would allow a friend with benefits? Short of that would she agree to something like sex every Wed or whatever. Even though she doesn't have the urge doesn't mean she could not find pleasure once it is going not to mention pleasure in the closeness
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 10, 2024 20:24:16 GMT -5
Greetings all, I am an unfortunate member of the dead bedroom club, finding myself in a difficult situation on how/where/what to do. I am a fit married man,40, been with my wife for 15 years, 2 children in middle school. I am the primary income earner. Our sexless marriage has been an issue 6-7 years now with myself having a much higher sex drive and always initiating etc, W is not a very high drive. Unfortunately W had a significant health issue with cancer that has impacted her health and sex drive even more (there was issues prior). She is on hormone therapy plus had her ovaries removed as her cancer was hormone driven. We had been in therapy soon after her diagnosis but have not been in several years. She seems to have zero interest in sex and when I have raised it, she has used other reasoning on why sex isnt happening. We are not otherwise fighting or hostile towards each other so I find her reasoning very confusing. This has been impacting my mental health and feel a bit lost and trapped between a confluence of issues. I feel for you when they have a health issue ..........it puts us in an awkward situation of feeling a jerk for still having a drive and wanting to share that in the marriage. when you said she used other reasons ... i think that many people simply do no want to put all the cards on the table.... my spouse will probably tell me NEW reasons as his health is improving i know he says i am angry and that is not attractive. It can be confusing when you can be ok Together in most other situations but the area of sex.... .... i really wish more spouses in that situations should be more open to the FWB model. I feel we all want some huge bad thing to point to for the end of a long marriage not well we were roommates we just did not have sex anymore. we stay because we are comfortable but lonely and feel unloved. some days we would like to throw in the towel and tell them how much this has hurt us ... and other times we remember the history we have together and think it may not be all that bad.... |
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 11, 2024 6:12:13 GMT -5
Long term medican issues are the hardest hurdle to deal with in a SM. The illness generally isn't the fualt of the sick partner, it is something incidious that affects the marriage and sometimes treatment doesn't improve the medical concition, and can even make a SM worse.
It's understandable the partner who is ill can suffer a lose of desire from comlications of the illness. The problen then becomes what can be done to keep the marriage viable from an intimacy standpoint.
I am in general agreement with toughtiger. Coming to an agreement with the misses about having a "friend" for you seems a reasonable approach. Taking a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with consideration for the person experiencing the illness, can make life easier for both parties. Couples who genuinely care about each other should want to go all out to insure as much intimacy in the mariage as possible. If your spouse is unable to provide you with any sexual acts then that partner should be open to allowing a 3rd party to provide the missing sexual component. As long as care is taken to insure the infirm spouse is not deprived of what intimacy their condition permits.
Talk to mrs.music about this approach and see if she is willing to go along. Hopefully she can see the potential "good side" in the arrangement.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 11, 2024 20:34:39 GMT -5
She's in sickness, you're in health. You both have roles to play. |
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Post by mrmusic on Mar 17, 2024 14:48:35 GMT -5
Appreciate all of the opinions shared.
The circumstances are challenging for both of us there is no doubt about it. My mental health has really suffered but I do my best to take it a day at a time.
I could have never appreciated how difficult a serious illness in a marriage is until I had to walk in these shoes.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 19, 2024 4:35:19 GMT -5
mrmusic, that's a tough situation to be in. The idea of an affair partner, above, is a valid one, but I do not know your wife's disposition and prejudices. If you made it clear you had needs, and understood her limitations, but still wanted to stay with her, would it be a deal breaker for you to find an AP, perhaps a woman in a parallel situation?
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 19, 2024 6:37:26 GMT -5
Appreciate all of the opinions shared. The circumstances are challenging for both of us there is no doubt about it. My mental health has really suffered but I do my best to take it a day at a time. I could have never appreciated how difficult a serious illness in a marriage is until I had to walk in these shoes. In this type of situation often the caregiver isn't given the kind of attention and help needed as they support their partner. I would urge you to get the kind and quantity of help you need for yourself. You can do a better job of caring for your spouse if you take care of yourself 1st. Don't be ashamed or reluctant to make your needs and circumstanced know to relatives and even friends that might be willing to pitch in with the assistance that can make a differance for the both of you. Best wishes for the both of you... |
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Post by mrmusic on Mar 19, 2024 8:28:44 GMT -5
mrmusic, that's a tough situation to be in. The idea of an affair partner, above, is a valid one, but I do not know your wife's disposition and prejudices. If you made it clear you had needs, and understood her limitations, but still wanted to stay with her, would it be a deal breaker for you to find an AP, perhaps a woman in a parallel situation? I am going to find out soon enough, she is pretty open minded but as you can imagine also a rather delicate situation that I need to handle with care even raising. My concern is she will see this as a fishing trip for another partner so I can leave her but that may be exactly what she wants. |
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Post by mrmusic on Mar 19, 2024 22:57:56 GMT -5
Had a long walk and long dialogue tonight with the W. Talked a lot but I also tried really very hard to be a listener. A lot of dialogue was similar BUT new ground was covered that I see as positive.
The one thing I feel was a positive was I was able to articulate just how much of an impact our SM has had on me and in turn my behaviors. I did feel like she was not minimizing that part and that I said its not just 'looking for sex', its a compounding behavior of rejection that drives a wedge and makes you feel undesirable.
She was not surprised I said I am going to outsource to fulfill my needs, I also said that is her option as well of thats what she requires.
There are miles to walk yet but it was civil and really honest. I feel a sense of relief in some aspects.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 20, 2024 5:53:54 GMT -5
... I said I am going to outsource to fulfill my needs, I also said that is her option as well if that's what she requires. This is an enormous ask of you. If she were to outsource and still leave you untouched and you struggle, as a married man to find an FWB, that may make things exceptionally difficult. Gents, not surprisingly, have a much harder time finding a FWB while married. In such a situation I may be inclined to file divorce at the courthouse and change nothing about my relationship with Mrs. MirrorOrchid. A divorcee who still lives with his ex-wife may still be too high a hurdle, but it's what I'd do. When I tried dating, polyamorous wives were interested and one was ready to "get busy" before my wife reset instead. Just warning you about the possibility of a room temperature reception out there. Still worth doing. Permitting myself to try to solve my own problems was a game changer for my marriage. |
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