m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Feb 29, 2024 8:32:17 GMT -5
I read a post on reddit yesterday. In that post the guy was in a similar situation to me..5+ year sexless and he had tried everything before getting a divorce. 2 months later his ex was with a new guy having sex.
I know that happens but holy crap, if I end up divorcing and she jumps into bed with someone else it would be absolutely devastating.
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 29, 2024 9:30:58 GMT -5
I read a post on reddit yesterday. In that post the guy was in a similar situation to me..5+ year sexless and he had tried everything before getting a divorce. 2 months later his ex was with a new guy having sex. I know that happens but holy crap, if I end up divorcing and she jumps into bed with someone else it would be absolutely devastating. You need to get to an indifferent mindset. It’s no reflection on you; it’s a reflection on who she is and the choices she makes. My W would imagine wrongs, accuse me of things I’d never done, and claim that I was angry if I defended myself or held an opinion she didn’t agree with. This then became her justification for a lack of intimacy. She did it for decades, forming the opinion that I wasn’t worthy of her affection, and no amount of positive experiences would change it. Strangers rate higher in her eyes than a dedicated spouse of decades. She will eventually realize that she is not entitled to companionship, and that she will have to meet sexual expectations if she doesn’t want to die alone. And so, she will be sexual with the next guy. And probably enthusiastically do all the things that she denied her spouse. All the things that would have saved her marriage if she could have been bothered to care. You need to accept that this is 100% her defective behavior. Some people can’t be helped because they don’t want to be helped. DC |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 29, 2024 9:43:32 GMT -5
I've had this discussion with my wife and mentioned that if we divorced that I bet she would be more sexual with the next guy because it's something about me that just doesn't turn her on. That discussion did not end well and she says that it wouldn't be the case, even with oral as she still insists that she would never do that with anyone ever.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 29, 2024 11:19:50 GMT -5
She is deluding herself. It's biology - she would do those things IF she started with someone else. But, knowing how Women habituate and libido drops off in monogamy, some Women choose to embrace it fully (some men too) - and other CHOOSE to continue to make the effort and connect physically. I am a firm believer that against all hormoes and biology - you can Choose to give each other love.
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Post by isthisit on Feb 29, 2024 13:35:07 GMT -5
I read a post on reddit yesterday. In that post the guy was in a similar situation to me..5+ year sexless and he had tried everything before getting a divorce. 2 months later his ex was with a new guy having sex. I know that happens but holy crap, if I end up divorcing and she jumps into bed with someone else it would be absolutely devastating. Well of course she will. She will need to put out to get her talons good and deep into the next guy and that’s the quickest way to do it. After all, if she refused a new guy he would move on wouldn’t he? Once he is safely in her net the control, manipulation and refusal may well commence as she might not know any other way. Of course this will sting at first, but really what are you losing anyway? She is an uncaring and frigid spouse to you. My understanding is that you want her to experience authentic desire for you and enjoy intimacy and giving you pleasure. Unfortunately, we can’t persuade, cajole, or pressure our spouse to want us. We can’t reason with them to want us, coerce or threaten them to want us either. Some folks are content with the net effect of a great deal of pressure to get their spouse to put out, and if that works for them, that’s okay. But if you want it real, I am afraid you have to come to terms with the fact that it isn’t happening with this lady, much as you might wish for it. The more time you burn wishing for what is not willingly given, the less time you are allowing yourself to experience everything you wish for with someone else. |
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Mar 1, 2024 4:43:15 GMT -5
I read a post on reddit yesterday. In that post the guy was in a similar situation to me..5+ year sexless and he had tried everything before getting a divorce. 2 months later his ex was with a new guy having sex. I know that happens but holy crap, if I end up divorcing and she jumps into bed with someone else it would be absolutely devastating. Well of course she will. She will need to put out to get her talons good and deep into the next guy and that’s the quickest way to do it. After all, if she refused a new guy he would move on wouldn’t he? Once he is safely in her net the control, manipulation and refusal may well commence as she might not know any other way. Of course this will sting at first, but really what are you losing anyway? She is an uncaring and frigid spouse to you. My understanding is that you want her to experience authentic desire for you and enjoy intimacy and giving you pleasure. Unfortunately, we can’t persuade, cajole, or pressure our spouse to want us. We can’t reason with them to want us, coerce or threaten them to want us either. Some folks are content with the net effect of a great deal of pressure to get their spouse to put out, and if that works for them, that’s okay. But if you want it real, I am afraid you have to come to terms with the fact that it isn’t happening with this lady, much as you might wish for it. The more time you burn wishing for what is not willingly given, the less time you are allowing yourself to experience everything you wish for with someone else. Thank you for this I needed this today…. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 1, 2024 5:52:22 GMT -5
She is deluding herself. It's biology - she would do those things IF she started with someone else. But, knowing how Women habituate and libido drops off in monogamy, some Women choose to embrace it fully (some men too) - and other CHOOSE to continue to make the effort and connect physically. I am a firm believer that against all hormoes and biology - you can Choose to give each other love. This. New pheremones trigger a drunken state where risque, naughty actions seem exciting instead of revolting, immoral, and/or abhorrent. It's the way nature has us diversify the gene pool of our children. It is possible she would never engage in fellatio, but if she ever does, it's most likely to be in the first few weeks or months of an intimate, new relationship. Then she'll stop because the hormonal cocktail will have tapered off and her more visceral views of oral sex on a man will resume. No intent here. Desire to provide what is wanted rather than what one wants is a decision, not instinct. "Connection" can foster this decision, but I suspect these refusers think that connection will trigger the same mindless disinhibition that makes them spontaneously aroused when that rarely happens in long term monogamy. Dr. Psychmom goes over this repeatedly and I'm a believer. |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 1, 2024 16:59:03 GMT -5
Well of course she will. She will need to put out to get her talons good and deep into the next guy and that’s the quickest way to do it. After all, if she refused a new guy he would move on wouldn’t he? Once he is safely in her net the control, manipulation and refusal may well commence as she might not know any other way. Of course this will sting at first, but really what are you losing anyway? She is an uncaring and frigid spouse to you. My understanding is that you want her to experience authentic desire for you and enjoy intimacy and giving you pleasure. Unfortunately, we can’t persuade, cajole, or pressure our spouse to want us. We can’t reason with them to want us, coerce or threaten them to want us either. Some folks are content with the net effect of a great deal of pressure to get their spouse to put out, and if that works for them, that’s okay. But if you want it real, I am afraid you have to come to terms with the fact that it isn’t happening with this lady, much as you might wish for it. The more time you burn wishing for what is not willingly given, the less time you are allowing yourself to experience everything you wish for with someone else. Thank you for this I needed this today…. My pleasure. It’s not about us, it’s about them. They will do what they do, and we must live our best lives and remove ourselves from their nonsense and not let it influence our self esteem. Much easier to say than to do. I am out the other side now and am genuinely ambivalent about what H is and is not doing. Very liberating. |
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 3, 2024 17:54:28 GMT -5
Dittos, isthisit. My only concern about my ex's choice in partners is that he will, in time, be equally mistreated. I am finally free of her bullshit and happily so. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 3, 2024 18:19:34 GMT -5
I read a post on reddit yesterday. In that post the guy was in a similar situation to me..5+ year sexless and he had tried everything before getting a divorce. 2 months later his ex was with a new guy having sex. I know that happens but holy crap, if I end up divorcing and she jumps into bed with someone else it would be absolutely devastating. Never underestimate your wife's ability to rationalize her past behavior, and avoid all accountability. It's their superpower. What bothers me even more is what kind of example this has set for our children? |
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 3, 2024 21:17:31 GMT -5
I read a post on reddit yesterday. In that post the guy was in a similar situation to me..5+ year sexless and he had tried everything before getting a divorce. 2 months later his ex was with a new guy having sex. I know that happens but holy crap, if I end up divorcing and she jumps into bed with someone else it would be absolutely devastating. Never underestimate your wife's ability to rationalize her past behavior, and avoid all accountability. It's their superpower. What bothers me even more is what kind of example this has set for our children? I was just talking about this with a friend at work that's divorced. Patterns repeat. My wife's parents were together but obviously dysfunctional. Given time, she replicated the same sort of dysfunctionality that was modeled to her by her mother. And, she played the victim no matter how the outcomes favored her or damaged our children. |
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 4, 2024 9:23:36 GMT -5
It is sad but true that women especially will resort to sex in all ways to land the next person in the spider web ..... as sexist as that sounds....
Men have their own things like vacations, dinners out and or attending events they would straight out say "NO "....if EX had asked to attend same event, concert etc
It looks silly from the outside because if they had done half of this with the EX spouse they would most likely be together..... while i would agree that we need not take it personally it is hard not to.
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Mar 4, 2024 10:23:38 GMT -5
It is sad but true that women especially will resort to sex in all ways to land the next person in the spider web ..... as sexist as that sounds.... Men have their own things like vacations, dinners out and or attending events they would straight out say "NO "....if EX had asked to attend same event, concert etc It looks silly from the outside because if they had done half of this with the EX spouse they would most likely be together..... while i would agree that we need not take it personally it is hard not to. Then I think maybe they were not honest and were just tired of the relationship they were in. Maybe just the spouse was so depressed that it would take a life change like a divorce to shake things up for them to be happy with someone else and turn the switch back on. |
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