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Post by csl on Feb 29, 2024 7:55:52 GMT -5
If I remember correctly, isn't her maximum intimacy just kissing? Tattoo that on your eyeballs!
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m76
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Post by m76 on Feb 29, 2024 8:09:52 GMT -5
If I remember correctly, isn't her maximum intimacy just kissing? Tattoo that on your eyeballs! You're right and yet in therapy she will say she's building up to that but we need the emotional connection first. So I've been trying everything I can not to create distance but last week was a major setback when she cancelled our cuddling date because she was tired, but 2 hours later she was on her phone. So the message I got from that is even cuddling is a chore she'd rather not do. We talked about that yesterday and she apologized "I'm only human and make mistakes". |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 29, 2024 8:20:38 GMT -5
If I remember correctly, isn't her maximum intimacy just kissing? Tattoo that on your eyeballs! You're right and yet in therapy she will say she's building up to that but we need the emotional connection first. So I've been trying everything I can not to create distance but last week was a major setback when she cancelled our cuddling date because she was tired, but 2 hours later she was on her phone. So the message I got from that is even cuddling is a chore she'd rather not do. We talked about that yesterday and she apologized "I'm only human and make mistakes". We had the phone conversation as well. Her response was she's trying to wind down and shut her brain off. I told her constant scrolling does the exact opposite and the time she spends doing that we could be taking our time with intimacy instead of the constant hurry up and get it over with it has been. |
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m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Feb 29, 2024 8:26:08 GMT -5
The other thing I've tried to explain is that I "need" her to want to touch me, not just do things when scheduled or when I ask and I'd like her to initiate those touches.
When I tried to explain that she had a deer caught in the headlights look like I was speaking an alien language.
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Post by toughtiger on Feb 29, 2024 8:37:21 GMT -5
The other thing I've tried to explain is that I "need" her to want to touch me, not just do things when scheduled or when I ask and I'd like her to initiate those touches. When I tried to explain that she had a deer caught in the headlights look like I was speaking an alien language. I really know you are trying everything to fix this....... but saying she is tired or on the phone is insane.... She has shown zero interest in fixing this ....emotional connection and she is saying that NOW .... most wives that is important and we fight to keep emotional connection going long before it is broken and left in the dust so it is now an excuse for no sex. i call BS. What phone conversation is more important then a connection with the person you vowed to spend your life with? even tired to lay with you cuddling ...she can fall asleep it does not take much energy for intimacy. The "I am human and make mistakes" line just makes me see red as it is the king of the cop out tag lines. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 29, 2024 8:46:26 GMT -5
She quit her job of 25 years and blew through all her pension and 401k the following 2 years. Time is not on your side here. If she hasn’t been employed for more than 3 years, then her claims for alimony and child support will be much higher. And she will be coming for half of your retirement since she spent all of hers. You need to talk to a lawyer soon. DC |
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Missingout
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Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Feb 29, 2024 10:53:39 GMT -5
She quit her job of 25 years and blew through all her pension and 401k the following 2 years. Time is not on your side here. If she hasn’t been employed for more than 3 years, then her claims for alimony and child support will be much higher. And she will be coming for half of your retirement since she spent all of hers. You need to talk to a lawyer soon. DC Yes. I have not had a face to face with lawyer yet. Just a phone call on how things would shake out. I have appointment set for this month. Taxes came in and she didn't communicate with me on her pension and 401k spending plan. I assumed she took my advice to rollover everything and don't touch pension. Come to find out she cashed all of it out.. 6 figures worth and I didn't find out till tax time... She couldn't understand that she had to pay more taxes at end of year. Talk about communication issues. That alone most people get divorced over. So yeah feels like she's up to no good. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 29, 2024 11:12:25 GMT -5
You could always file an amended form as married filing separate - that would land the IRS promptly in her lap.
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 29, 2024 19:37:33 GMT -5
I assumed she took my advice to rollover everything and don't touch pension. Come to find out she cashed all of it out.. 6 figures worth and I didn't find out till tax time... I’m amazed when I hear stories like this. What did she think that money was for? What would be her reaction if you’d quit your job and spent all your retirement money? Does she expect to thrive on $2K/mo from Social Security? I’m hopeful that you find an aggressive attorney who will demand that her earning potential is properly reflected in the math, and that you get full credit for her squandering of community property retirement funds and the associated taxes. Many attorneys will provide an initial 30-60 minute consultation for free. Go talk to 3 or 4. You’ll have fewer questions after each one, and you can pick the most aggressive among the bunch. DC |
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 1, 2024 2:21:55 GMT -5
The other thing I've tried to explain is that I "need" her to want to touch me, not just do things when scheduled or when I ask and I'd like her to initiate those touches. When I tried to explain that she had a deer caught in the headlights look like I was speaking an alien language. Unless her head is severed from her body, she knows what you are saying; she just doesn't care. You are stuck in an endless loop that will never, ever stop. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 1, 2024 2:26:44 GMT -5
If I remember correctly, isn't her maximum intimacy just kissing? Tattoo that on your eyeballs! You're right and yet in therapy she will say she's building up to that but we need the emotional connection first. So I've been trying everything I can not to create distance but last week was a major setback when she cancelled our cuddling date because she was tired, but 2 hours later she was on her phone. So the message I got from that is even cuddling is a chore she'd rather not do. We talked about that yesterday and she apologized "I'm only human and make mistakes". I'm curious if these were her words. If they were, that should pretty much free you from whatever emotional attachment you have left on your end. She's telling you there is nothing there. That's not coming back, no matter how many "touching" appointments she bails on. |
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Missingout
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Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Mar 1, 2024 4:38:45 GMT -5
I assumed she took my advice to rollover everything and don't touch pension. Come to find out she cashed all of it out.. 6 figures worth and I didn't find out till tax time... I’m amazed when I hear stories like this. What did she think that money was for? What would be her reaction if you’d quit your job and spent all your retirement money? Does she expect to thrive on $2K/mo from Social Security? I’m hopeful that you find an aggressive attorney who will demand that her earning potential is properly reflected in the math, and that you get full credit for her squandering of community property retirement funds and the associated taxes. Many attorneys will provide an initial 30-60 minute consultation for free. Go talk to 3 or 4. You’ll have fewer questions after each one, and you can pick the most aggressive among the bunch. DC It’s honestly like dealing with a child for fucksake. My daughters have more sense of money than she does. She was a child of the welfare system and I remember when we started dating I was 16 she was 15. Her mother would have the first of the month paycheck squandered in a few days. She seen this happen and never learned from it. She always has the mindset of here and now, didn’t give a shit about tomorrow or coming days weeks or years. I always figured I could fix this not a dealbreaker.. I was wrong. She hid it from me. She knew what she did was wrong and even felt bad for it and would do it again and again in some shape or form. Not just about sex any longer. |
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 1, 2024 9:58:25 GMT -5
It’s honestly like dealing with a child for fucksake. My daughters have more sense of money than she does. She was a child of the welfare system and I remember when we started dating I was 16 she was 15. Her mother would have the first of the month paycheck squandered in a few days. She seen this happen and never learned from it. She always has the mindset of here and now, didn’t give a shit about tomorrow or coming days weeks or years. I always figured I could fix this not a dealbreaker.. I was wrong. She hid it from me. She knew what she did was wrong and even felt bad for it and would do it again and again in some shape or form. Not just about sex any longer. Wow. I'm sorry. That's like trying to swim while wearing concrete shoes.
I know someone who's gone bankrupt twice due to his wife's spending, and now his retirement consists of subsisting on Social Security. There's no escaping that kind of financial self-destruction without divorce. It becomes a matter of survival.
DC
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Post by baza on Mar 2, 2024 22:27:31 GMT -5
The thing is, that if "you" can not or will not look after "your" finances, then someone else (like your bank, your creditors, your spendthrift partner, the court system) will.
And the actions they take will be in their best interests, not yours.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 3, 2024 13:25:51 GMT -5
I know it's time to leave after 3 months of counciling it doesn't seem like she's making any effort and I'm still miserable. However I'm having a hard time taking that last step. It just never seems to be the right time. Last night she was sick, during the day she's always on conference calls, or my son is around etc... Those that left how did you do it? I scrolled through to see if I already responded and didn't see it. So if this is a repeat I apologize. My original plan on how to do it was good. I had planned to rent an apartment in April ( i was working my exit plan debt was paid was building savings to split) then let him know after that I was indeed moving out on whatever my take possession date was. What ended to happening is while we were having lunch waiting for my oil change he said something about not doing something because he wants me to be happy. As someone who has expressed my feelings often about how I felt on the situation we were in ,it just pushed me over the edge. And I told him I have not been happy in so long and if you don't know that you are not listening to me. He asked if I was going to leave and I said yes....I could not being myself to take it back just to save stress. I regret that now we. That was in Nov and we had to get through the holidays. He budgeted me non stop. I ended up having a stroke. I Did not waver. I rented in April and moved out mid June the hardest best thing I've ever done for myself. |
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