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Post by duderiley7 on Jan 30, 2024 12:36:24 GMT -5
So after 6-7 years of a sexless relationship/marriage I am just ready to accept that sex is never going to happen and move on. But how the hell do I do that and what do I replace it with?
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 30, 2024 12:43:53 GMT -5
For clarification, do you mean accept celibacy and stay married? Accept celibacy with your wife, stay married, and take a lover elsewhere? Accept celibacy with your wife, and divorce? (you posted in "Choosing to Stay", but that sometimes means: "....for now". So forgive use of the "D" word, please.)
In all three cases, since there will be varying amounts of "downtime" before resuming intimate companionship (forever, if you're talking about option 1), the suggestion has been to build a life that does not include your refusing spouse.
Take on new responsibilities at work. Start a business. Look up old friends. Join a social group through meetup. Get in touch with your faith (or discover one?) Volunteer. Start an exercise regimen.
All these will help occupy your mind rather than focus in the celibate marriage. It can also distract you from any frustration from slow progress in securing companionship later. A hectic life can also make finding time to date difficult. This can be useful. A man with a lot going on needs the companionship less and may present itself as "confidence", which I hear helps one's appeal.
If divorce isn't off teh table, spending some time getting a consultation with a lawyer can be a short term hobby. I've suggested writing up a will. Everyone should have one and the enumeration of assets can be a good start for dividing assets for other reasons, if you decide to go that route someday. Information is not action. You need not actually do anything with data you gather.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Jan 30, 2024 12:44:21 GMT -5
So after 6-7 years of a sexless relationship/marriage I am just ready to accept that sex is never going to happen and move on. But how the hell do I do that and what do I replace it with? I'm in the same boat. I find the brief moments of real happiness happen when I'm out with friends and not with my wife. Just going out to a pub and talking about anything else is welcome. Other then that it's not something I've been able replace or really accept. Unfortunately I started drinking more. Most days I can't drink because I need to drive places or have work, but for those times when I can it's definitely the crutch I'm using to get past the depression.
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Post by Mirrorchild on Jan 30, 2024 16:46:12 GMT -5
For clarification, do you mean accept celibacy and stay married? Accept celibacy with your wife, stay married, and take a lover elsewhere? Accept celibacy with your wife, and divorce? (you posted in "Choosing to Stay", but that sometimes means: "....for now". So forgive use of the "D" word, . Yes I mean accept celibacy and stay married. And I have thought about trying to start my own business I just don't know what type of business to start.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 31, 2024 0:48:50 GMT -5
So after 6-7 years of a sexless relationship/marriage I am just ready to accept that sex is never going to happen and move on. But how the hell do I do that and what do I replace it with?
By year 2, it was evident that we had intimacy problems. Oh, who am I kidding... it was apparent on the honeymoon when she preferred playing tourist instead of cuddling in bed. But by year 2 it was clear that I wasn't going to find the magic key to unlocking her repression and releasing her sexuality. Who knew there were people who didn't enjoy sex?
Lots of self-help books and therapy, which always resulted in the conclusion that I was failing as a husband to do what she needed emotionally to feel interested. Stuck in a loop for the next 20 years trying to sort out why I sucked so bad, locked in by 2 kids.
20 years in, I finally realized that I wasn't the problem and stopped chasing my tail. I decided that coping was the answer if I wanted to stay. I buried myself in my hobbies as a distraction, and to keep me out of the house to avoid conflict and the sadness & frustration of being close but not allowed to touch. Meanwhile, digging the hole deeper for myself and not solving anything.
Then one day we started having discussions with retirement advisors, and I realized a couple things... first, we didn't remotely have the same desires for retired life and, second, she had been living hers for years. She had zero desire to control spending so I could retire - she expected me to keep working so her lifestyle wouldn't be downgraded. I started to realize that all I had to look forward to in retirement was a lot more time with someone who didn't value being with me except for the security. Now I am over 30 years in, and I would have to give up 2/3 of my life's work and be shackled with an insane *lifetime* alimony in order to to escape.
If I could go back and decide differently when I was only 6-7 years in - or certainly only 2 years in - man, what a different life I would have led; the pain of making a decision then would have been so much less than today. There is no reward for being a martyr; no prize for longevity in a bad situation. You have one life, and you need to spend it wisely - don't waste it on someone who doesn't treasure your affections.
DC
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 31, 2024 1:00:24 GMT -5
Yes I mean accept celibacy and stay married. And I have thought about trying to start my own business I just don't know what type of business to start.
It will eat your soul.
If you start a business, she will get half of all your work, even if she isn't supportive of your effort.
You should work less, earn less, and encourage her to step up and fill the gap. Sharing the load 50:50 isn't just the right thing to do, it's also important for your future.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 31, 2024 6:45:41 GMT -5
For clarification, do you mean accept celibacy and stay married? Accept celibacy with your wife, stay married, and take a lover elsewhere? Accept celibacy with your wife, and divorce? (you posted in "Choosing to Stay", but that sometimes means: "....for now". So forgive use of the "D" word, . Yes I mean accept celibacy and stay married. And I have thought about trying to start my own business I just don't know what type of business to start. Something I read or saw said, don't start a business. Start three. Brainstorm ideas, start businesses for your favorite three. Put your time and attention into the one that starts getting more customers. This strikes me as sensible because the accounting, administrative, legal, and marketing efforts are transferrable skills. You don't need to learn everything three times. It's really the same stuff tweaked to fit each company. Which businesses might you want to think up? A business whose nearest provider is a long drive to get to. A business with scant competition and mediocre reviews on Google/Yelp (Do NOT advertise on Yelp!) If you have little startup capital, focus on shoestring businesses that maximize labor and minimize equipment. e.g. cleaning, lawn mowing, graphic design. Do you work a job with skills you can directly offer to the public? That's low hanging fruit.
That said, DryCreek is right. It'll eat your life. His nose to the grindstone has kept him married. But then again, that was your goal. He seems to have been unhappy with his choices, so you may want to ask yourself early whether his fate is one you'd be content with. If not, is it one you can justify to yourself (perhaps for reasons of faith/morality). Is sexuality going to leave a hole in your soul. Is that hole something you'll wear as a badge of honor? Not a small number do. I wouldn't. DryCreek has, so far. Kidding yourself at this stage could cause regret and resentment. How sure are you? The commitment to be miserable for the institution of marriage is a lot of what lends marriage the societal admiration it enjoys. Is that a prize you're willing to take the bullet for? Your life, in exchange for what others think of marriage? I get it. The self-image of honoring your promises or vows is what led me to steer towards open marriage rather than divorce. (then I got a reset instead) Is this the destiny you're seeing? There's a long tradition of such men. (the sticking through a troubled marriage part, not the opening part. Or maybe that is a possibility for you. I get the feeling it's not.)
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Post by toughtiger on Jan 31, 2024 9:13:53 GMT -5
By year 2, it was evident that we had intimacy problems. Oh, who am I kidding... it was apparent on the honeymoon when she preferred playing tourist instead of cuddling in bed. But by year 2 it was clear that I wasn't going to find the magic key to unlocking her repression and releasing her sexuality. Who knew there were people who didn't enjoy sex?
Lots of self-help books and therapy, which always resulted in the conclusion that I was failing as a husband to do what she needed emotionally to feel interested. Stuck in a loop for the next 20 years trying to sort out why I sucked so bad, locked in by 2 kids.
20 years in, I finally realized that I wasn't the problem and stopped chasing my tail. I decided that coping was the answer if I wanted to stay. I buried myself in my hobbies as a distraction, and to keep me out of the house to avoid conflict and the sadness & frustration of being close but not allowed to touch. Meanwhile, digging the hole deeper for myself and not solving anything.
Then one day we started having discussions with retirement advisors, and I realized a couple things... first, we didn't remotely have the same desires for retired life and, second, she had been living hers for years. She had zero desire to control spending so I could retire - she expected me to keep working so her lifestyle wouldn't be downgraded. I started to realize that all I had to look forward to in retirement was a lot more time with someone who didn't value being with me except for the security. Now I am over 30 years in, and I would have to give up 2/3 of my life's work and be shackled with an insane *lifetime* alimony in order to to escape.
If I could go back and decide differently when I was only 6-7 years in - or certainly only 2 years in - man, what a different life I would have led; the pain of making a decision then would have been so much less than today. There is no reward for being a martyr; no prize for longevity in a bad situation. You have one life, and you need to spend it wisely - don't waste it on someone who doesn't treasure your affections.
DC
Wow that is a complete disconnect. This type of women give us women ....all a bad name ........ you were not failing as a husband ....... she kept moving the goal post ..... if you have not already if you are staying ........move money to ensure you have some and tell her when you are going to retire.......... and how the budget looks .....if it cuts her lifestyle she should brush up her resume period. find ways to put her on notice and i bet she tries harder to be nice to you as she must only see you as a paycheck ..... this is something that one might assume is not happening after feminism movements ..... and i suppose there are men too who have no issue just doing what they want only marrying for a paycheck.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 31, 2024 11:48:06 GMT -5
Wow that is a complete disconnect. This type of women give us women ....all a bad name ........ you were not failing as a husband ....... she kept moving the goal post ..... if you have not already if you are staying ........move money to ensure you have some and tell her when you are going to retire.......... and how the budget looks .....if it cuts her lifestyle she should brush up her resume period. find ways to put her on notice and i bet she tries harder to be nice to you as she must only see you as a paycheck ..... this is something that one might assume is not happening after feminism movements ..... and i suppose there are men too who have no issue just doing what they want only marrying for a paycheck.
Yes, my story serves as an example of what not to do. I've written a lot here, but will post an update in the near future.
Strategically, I failed by going "all-in" with the team philosophy and not reserving any control for myself. I trusted her to manage our finances, giving her unfettered access to all of our assets and removing any leverage I might have, aside from divorce. Sadly, this created a strong entitlement attitude.
There is much more to the story, but for the purpose of this thread the point is... trying to stay longer just dug my hole very deep. Don't follow my example. Staying in a toxic relationship is soul-destroying, and finding ways to cope is just procrastination - it doesn't solve the problem, but it does let bad behavior become firmly entrenched as normal. Trying to later enforce boundaries and regain a normal life makes you the asshole because you're upsetting the dynamic.
DC
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 31, 2024 13:45:48 GMT -5
So after 6-7 years of a sexless relationship/marriage I am just ready to accept that sex is never going to happen and move on. But how the hell do I do that and what do I replace it with? If you have done any reading here you know one of the options you have if you are going to stay in the marriage is to outsource. That means get your intimacy with someone other than your spouse. It can be done with or without the knowledge or the aquessence of your spouse. It is a potentially dangerous path but it can be done. You just have to decide if intimacy is important enough to you to set off down the path.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jan 31, 2024 15:03:29 GMT -5
DC! Great to hear from you. Oof. This was hard to read. But necessary wisdom for others to hear. That last line. Read it over. "You have one life, and you need to spend it wisely - don't waste it on someone who doesn't treasure your affections." That 2/3 life work is expensive but will be worth it. If there is any hope of an inherutance coming to you, that might fill some of the gap if its not considered marriage property in your jurisdiction if properly planned. Im planning on leaving. Not so much bc of the SM anymore but just that its not what I want for the next 20 or whatever years I have left in the tank. Mentally, I feel Im already gone. So after 6-7 years of a sexless relationship/marriage I am just ready to accept that sex is never going to happen and move on. But how the hell do I do that and what do I replace it with?
By year 2, it was evident that we had intimacy problems. Oh, who am I kidding... it was apparent on the honeymoon when she preferred playing tourist instead of cuddling in bed. But by year 2 it was clear that I wasn't going to find the magic key to unlocking her repression and releasing her sexuality. Who knew there were people who didn't enjoy sex?
Lots of self-help books and therapy, which always resulted in the conclusion that I was failing as a husband to do what she needed emotionally to feel interested. Stuck in a loop for the next 20 years trying to sort out why I sucked so bad, locked in by 2 kids.
20 years in, I finally realized that I wasn't the problem and stopped chasing my tail. I decided that coping was the answer if I wanted to stay. I buried myself in my hobbies as a distraction, and to keep me out of the house to avoid conflict and the sadness & frustration of being close but not allowed to touch. Meanwhile, digging the hole deeper for myself and not solving anything.
Then one day we started having discussions with retirement advisors, and I realized a couple things... first, we didn't remotely have the same desires for retired life and, second, she had been living hers for years. She had zero desire to control spending so I could retire - she expected me to keep working so her lifestyle wouldn't be downgraded. I started to realize that all I had to look forward to in retirement was a lot more time with someone who didn't value being with me except for the security. Now I am over 30 years in, and I would have to give up 2/3 of my life's work and be shackled with an insane *lifetime* alimony in order to to escape.
If I could go back and decide differently when I was only 6-7 years in - or certainly only 2 years in - man, what a different life I would have led; the pain of making a decision then would have been so much less than today. There is no reward for being a martyr; no prize for longevity in a bad situation. You have one life, and you need to spend it wisely - don't waste it on someone who doesn't treasure your affections.
DC
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