Post by greatcoastal on Jan 10, 2024 10:31:42 GMT -5
medium.com/heart-affairs/single-people-are-breaking-up-with-their-pen-pals-f27c1101e6e2
Single People Are Breaking Up With Their Pen Pals
Dating apps are out. Meet-ups are in.
Carlyn Beccia
Single People Are Breaking Up With Their Pen Pals
My friend Victor* and I were sharing dating war stories one night at dinner when a question arose: when should you tell someone you are looking for a relationship?
We both inform love interests that we are seeking a long-term relationship within the first few dates. Weirdly, he and I both noticed that it is the perfect screening statement, but not for the reasons you might think.
Any securely attached person understands that when someone tells you they desire a relationship, they are not saying they desire a relationship with YOU. Settle down. That's a different convo.
But you would be amazed at how many men have an apoplectic fit when they hear the word "relationship." I find this behavior especially odd when I have yet to decide if I want a second date.
Victor, who checks all the boxes (kind, handsome, 6'3" orthopedic surgeon, wicked sense of humor), told me he experiences the same from the distaff side.
We then joked about the relationship-fearing pen pals we collected over the years. For married folks, "pen pals" refers to single people who ask for your number and then text daily without asking to meet. Apparently, they need to split DNA to get off their couch.
Nod if you have heard this one. Single people are tired of pen pals.
This question recently came up in one of my all-women relationship discussion boards.
What should you do if you have a pen pal situation?
Most women said they ghosted after one week of texting.
Since I am a brazen little hussy, I will play along with my new pen pal for about two weeks. Then, I take the initiative and politely explain that I am looking to seduce someone in person. Would you like to meet for (insert whatever weird date idea I have brewing)?
Yes, I can be blunt. But after two weeks of get-to-know-you texting, I am ready to drive a sharp quil through my corneas…with India ink.
If your love language is a physical touch like mine is, you get it. Some people can't build intimacy without touch. And no, it's not sexual. It's the need to take in someone's full presence. Once there is a scratch-n' sniff option on dating apps, I will consider using them.
I won't mince words. Letters, email, and texting should only be your primary means of communication if you are serving a prison sentence.
Now, I am not saying texting doesn't serve a purpose. It does. Written correspondence strokes desire by creating an air of anticipation before the next meeting. But there is no anticipation when your potential love interest doesn't want to put on pants and meet.
We all know why some people prefer texting over meeting, but let's recap.
They are just not into you.
The trolls will say this is the number one reason, and I will somewhat agree. It's not the main reason, but it usually is the underlying reason. Sometimes, you also have to layer trauma, anxiety, mistrust, and bitterness on top of this shit sandwich. (Note: For the reductive thinkers, I said "sometimes," not "always.”)
They have a girlfriend/boyfriend or are dating someone else.
I think this is the most common reason. The TikTok kids call this breadcrumbing — giving someone just enough attention or "crumbs" to keep them on the hook while not crossing into that gray area of micro-cheating.
I get it. Everyone is shuffling multiple dates. But if you prefer to date one person at a time, this circus juggling gets exhausting. Focus! A roster is great if you are a softball coach. It's not so ideal if you want to connect with one person.
I have been giving this "focus" advice for four years and always get pushback from the "numbers game" dating coaches. Well, how are we doing with our paradox of choice? If you look at the rising rates of single people, we certainly aren't finding true love.
Here's more advice the PUAs and players will balk at. If you meet someone cool but are dating someone else, why not practice adulting? Simply say:
“I would love to get to know you more. (Insert non-generic compliment. Keep it brief and not too effusive.) But I just started dating someone, and I prefer to date one person at a time. I still selfishly hope we can continue to stay in touch and be friends.”
To be clear, it is selfish to string someone along. But this leaves the door open if the other person you are dating turns out to be an axe murderer. Most mature people will respect your honesty despite the obvious friend-zoning. (Note: If you are in a committed relationship, you shouldn't be having these conversations with strangers.)
Let's face it. 99% of the time, someone knows when they are being breadcrumbed. And it always stirs mistrust. You don't need to get into the details of your budding relationship. Yes, mystery is important in seduction. So is honesty.
They are lonely and looking for attention.
Sigh. There's a lot of lonely people in the world craving attention. Unfortunately, when we hear that ping of a new text, it's an instant dopamine hit. In other words, it's an easy reward for little effort.
But do you want to date someone who goes through life putting minimal effort into their relationships? Trust me on this one. People who lack drive will always accuse passionate people of being high maintenance. But really, they are just scared. Scared to take risks. Scared to fail. Scared to not fail. Scared to feel. Scared to put on pants.
They are afraid to show too much interest.
There's a lot of bad dating advice out there, but some of the most harmful advice is to play hot and cold.
News flash: We like people who like us back.
Better yet, if you think you are building desire with incertitude, I suggest you stop and think about uncertainty. Playing hot and cold does work. But it only works on insecure, anxious, and neurotic folks. A secure person doesn't have time for that nonsense. They want anticipation, not uncertainty. If you blow hot and cold, the secure person will simply move on to someone who doesn't.
They are a “hesidater.”
Hesidaters are people whose love life is crippled by hesitation. For example, many of my girlfriends tell me, "I will start dating when I lose ten pounds," "When my job gets more settled," or "When I finish this self-help book." It's all when, when, when.
For hesidaters, texting is not flirting. It’s stalling.
Sorry, but love is a participation sport. The only way you are going to know how the bike rides is if you get on the damn bike and pedal like a Strangers Things kid. Sure, you may get your share of scrapes and bruises, but those falls teach you how to pedal straight.
It amazes me that people are still using dating apps when there are so many meet-ups available for singles. I belong to a pickleball, dodgeball, dancing, hiking, and…(don't judge) a gothic literature meet-up. The purpose of dating is to find commonalities with uncommonly awesome people.
In other words, technology should forge connections. Real-life connections. If you are using technology to only foster online relationships, then you are not using technology. The technology is using you.
Single People Are Breaking Up With Their Pen Pals
Dating apps are out. Meet-ups are in.
Carlyn Beccia
Single People Are Breaking Up With Their Pen Pals
My friend Victor* and I were sharing dating war stories one night at dinner when a question arose: when should you tell someone you are looking for a relationship?
We both inform love interests that we are seeking a long-term relationship within the first few dates. Weirdly, he and I both noticed that it is the perfect screening statement, but not for the reasons you might think.
Any securely attached person understands that when someone tells you they desire a relationship, they are not saying they desire a relationship with YOU. Settle down. That's a different convo.
But you would be amazed at how many men have an apoplectic fit when they hear the word "relationship." I find this behavior especially odd when I have yet to decide if I want a second date.
Victor, who checks all the boxes (kind, handsome, 6'3" orthopedic surgeon, wicked sense of humor), told me he experiences the same from the distaff side.
We then joked about the relationship-fearing pen pals we collected over the years. For married folks, "pen pals" refers to single people who ask for your number and then text daily without asking to meet. Apparently, they need to split DNA to get off their couch.
Nod if you have heard this one. Single people are tired of pen pals.
This question recently came up in one of my all-women relationship discussion boards.
What should you do if you have a pen pal situation?
Most women said they ghosted after one week of texting.
Since I am a brazen little hussy, I will play along with my new pen pal for about two weeks. Then, I take the initiative and politely explain that I am looking to seduce someone in person. Would you like to meet for (insert whatever weird date idea I have brewing)?
Yes, I can be blunt. But after two weeks of get-to-know-you texting, I am ready to drive a sharp quil through my corneas…with India ink.
If your love language is a physical touch like mine is, you get it. Some people can't build intimacy without touch. And no, it's not sexual. It's the need to take in someone's full presence. Once there is a scratch-n' sniff option on dating apps, I will consider using them.
I won't mince words. Letters, email, and texting should only be your primary means of communication if you are serving a prison sentence.
Now, I am not saying texting doesn't serve a purpose. It does. Written correspondence strokes desire by creating an air of anticipation before the next meeting. But there is no anticipation when your potential love interest doesn't want to put on pants and meet.
We all know why some people prefer texting over meeting, but let's recap.
They are just not into you.
The trolls will say this is the number one reason, and I will somewhat agree. It's not the main reason, but it usually is the underlying reason. Sometimes, you also have to layer trauma, anxiety, mistrust, and bitterness on top of this shit sandwich. (Note: For the reductive thinkers, I said "sometimes," not "always.”)
They have a girlfriend/boyfriend or are dating someone else.
I think this is the most common reason. The TikTok kids call this breadcrumbing — giving someone just enough attention or "crumbs" to keep them on the hook while not crossing into that gray area of micro-cheating.
I get it. Everyone is shuffling multiple dates. But if you prefer to date one person at a time, this circus juggling gets exhausting. Focus! A roster is great if you are a softball coach. It's not so ideal if you want to connect with one person.
I have been giving this "focus" advice for four years and always get pushback from the "numbers game" dating coaches. Well, how are we doing with our paradox of choice? If you look at the rising rates of single people, we certainly aren't finding true love.
Here's more advice the PUAs and players will balk at. If you meet someone cool but are dating someone else, why not practice adulting? Simply say:
“I would love to get to know you more. (Insert non-generic compliment. Keep it brief and not too effusive.) But I just started dating someone, and I prefer to date one person at a time. I still selfishly hope we can continue to stay in touch and be friends.”
To be clear, it is selfish to string someone along. But this leaves the door open if the other person you are dating turns out to be an axe murderer. Most mature people will respect your honesty despite the obvious friend-zoning. (Note: If you are in a committed relationship, you shouldn't be having these conversations with strangers.)
Let's face it. 99% of the time, someone knows when they are being breadcrumbed. And it always stirs mistrust. You don't need to get into the details of your budding relationship. Yes, mystery is important in seduction. So is honesty.
They are lonely and looking for attention.
Sigh. There's a lot of lonely people in the world craving attention. Unfortunately, when we hear that ping of a new text, it's an instant dopamine hit. In other words, it's an easy reward for little effort.
But do you want to date someone who goes through life putting minimal effort into their relationships? Trust me on this one. People who lack drive will always accuse passionate people of being high maintenance. But really, they are just scared. Scared to take risks. Scared to fail. Scared to not fail. Scared to feel. Scared to put on pants.
They are afraid to show too much interest.
There's a lot of bad dating advice out there, but some of the most harmful advice is to play hot and cold.
News flash: We like people who like us back.
Better yet, if you think you are building desire with incertitude, I suggest you stop and think about uncertainty. Playing hot and cold does work. But it only works on insecure, anxious, and neurotic folks. A secure person doesn't have time for that nonsense. They want anticipation, not uncertainty. If you blow hot and cold, the secure person will simply move on to someone who doesn't.
They are a “hesidater.”
Hesidaters are people whose love life is crippled by hesitation. For example, many of my girlfriends tell me, "I will start dating when I lose ten pounds," "When my job gets more settled," or "When I finish this self-help book." It's all when, when, when.
For hesidaters, texting is not flirting. It’s stalling.
Sorry, but love is a participation sport. The only way you are going to know how the bike rides is if you get on the damn bike and pedal like a Strangers Things kid. Sure, you may get your share of scrapes and bruises, but those falls teach you how to pedal straight.
It amazes me that people are still using dating apps when there are so many meet-ups available for singles. I belong to a pickleball, dodgeball, dancing, hiking, and…(don't judge) a gothic literature meet-up. The purpose of dating is to find commonalities with uncommonly awesome people.
In other words, technology should forge connections. Real-life connections. If you are using technology to only foster online relationships, then you are not using technology. The technology is using you.
