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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 20, 2023 21:29:04 GMT -5
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 22, 2023 1:31:11 GMT -5
Interesting. Oversimplified, I believe. His assumption is that the relationship starts off healthy and with good intentions on the part of both participants. Then his solution amounts to game playing, which isn't in my opinion a part of a healthy relationship unless both parties are playing the same game.
That being said, there is some truth. When my ex thought I might be looking outside the marriage, we had "hysterical bonding sex." It was intense, and I believe she may have actually enjoyed it, but within three weeks her hole dried up again to any sort of intimacy. That's not the sort of game I want to keep playing, and, even if I did I believe the Law of Diminishing Returns would apply.
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 22, 2023 6:48:03 GMT -5
Interesting. Oversimplified, I believe. His assumption is that the relationship starts off healthy and with good intentions on the part of both participants. Then his solution amounts to game playing, which isn't in my opinion a part of a healthy relationship unless both parties are playing the same game. That being said, there is some truth. When my ex thought I might be looking outside the marriage, we had "hysterical bonding sex." It was intense, and I believe she may have actually enjoyed it, but within three weeks her hole dried up again to any sort of intimacy. That's not the sort of game I want to keep playing, and, even if I did I believe the Law of Diminishing Returns would apply. The constant maintenance would be a troublesome result, but it could be a vast improvement for ILIASM members who can not entertain teh idea of divorce either permanently for religious reasons or for several years due to teh "college plan". My prospective lover was a polyamorous married woman. The advantage there is that resets by a refuser runs less risk of having the poly partner "find someone else". They can have additional partners even if they already have two. The only issue is if they have time/"bandwidth" to make time for you. This provides more of a consistent escape from agamy and may eliminate strategies of attending to "crises" or "putting out fires". A poly partner is a chronic issue dealt with by a lasting solution to the sexless marriage, either investment in forging intimate connection, or divorce initiated by the refuser. The whole "game" of deliberately creating space also strikes me as potentially healthy in that it may loosen the chains of co-dependency. It obligates spouses to grow interests outside each other. (or unrequited devotion!) Building a life that does not include one's spouse is pretty much step 1 of what refused spouses should do anyway; co-dependent or not. My chief complaint was his optimism that such efforts would fix things. As you say, for healthy, earnest spouses who have "lost the spark", his hope may be reasonable. With wildly mismatched libido couples, a long grind may be ahead. A grind one or the other spouses may not find worth the prize at the end. |
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