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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2016 13:24:42 GMT -5
I agree with others that low libido is to be expected with a baby in the house. Don't be too hard on yourself there, esp if you are recovering from a traumatic birth. Give it time. It'll come back.
I think what's more striking to me is the power play that seems to be going on here with your husband. When you want it all the time, he refuses you. Suddenly, when you don't want it, he's asking for it. He sounds like a controlling spouse to me. Just pay attention to that. You might even do an experiment to see if that's indeed the dynamic at play... Start offering yourself to him and see how long it takes him to start refusing.
If it turns out to be a power thing, therapy could be in order for one or both of you, and you're in the same boat as all of us. Sorry I'm not more help! Hang in there. Hope things get better.
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 15, 2016 13:33:57 GMT -5
It sounds like he is jealous of all the attention your baby is no doubt getting. Considering what you've been through with the childbirth and for any new mom, he could be a little understanding. But, it doesn't sound like he is capable of being understanding when it comes to anything having to do with intimacy. And if he's not interested in learning, he never will be. Re: your lack of desire for him, I don't know why any person would desire someone who has rejected them a million times unless they're masochistic. Maybe you just don't see him that way anymore. You are right he is inconsiderate with the birth. I don't think he fully grasps how much it takes a toll on our bodies. Unfortunately I can't deny that maybe his constant denial has finally done some damage. I hope deep down we can work through this but at this point I am concentrating on my baby and myself.  I guess I was a little masochistic... at the time it was all I could think about lol. |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 15, 2016 13:47:25 GMT -5
It's pretty normal for a new mom to have a reduced libido. If nothing else, it's exhausting having a baby to care for with the lack of sleep, etc. It would be a good idea to check with your doctor and I'd suggest you make your husband come along, too. He needs a reality check in the worst way. I had very little desire for sex when my babies were so little, but my sex drive came roaring back with they got to be a little older (7-8 months old, which if you are nursing coincides with them starting to eat more solid food so you're nursing less). Of course, for me, it was easier having no sex drive since my STBX was really only ever interested in sex for the purpose of procreation.  Yes I am breastfeeding. That's the only difference between my first kid to this one I wasn't able to breastfeed her since she wouldn't latch. My second baby eats constantly and I work Full Time so I am pumping at work as well. I also get up at night to feed. I didn't think that breastfeeding would change my mood  maybe that's the culprit?! Not that it matters as I won't stop breastfeeding until baby is one hopefully!  |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 15, 2016 14:07:50 GMT -5
Sounds like your husband is overly sensitive or resentful of something. Not that it excuses his behavior, but you say he is a good man otherwise. I know he's going to hate hearing this, but he's going to have to get in touch with his feelings. Considering his past refusing, this may not help, but I will put it out there anyway. Do you guys take any date nights? Having a baby kind of consumes your energy, and it sounds like a baby sitter and a night out is in order. If that doesn't work, I suggest going to Home Depot or Lowe's. Go back to the lumber department and get a nice section of 2x4 lumber about 2 feet long. Use it to knock some sense into your husband (jk) LOL!!! I was wondering where you were going with that!! We took our first date night in a long time barley last month. Our 5 year anniversary was last Saturday and we didn't even mention it after just saying happy anniversary. I think we need to add more date nights into our lives just easier said than done with two kids but worth the try in my book. |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 15, 2016 14:24:29 GMT -5
I agree with others that low libido is to be expected with a baby in the house. Don't be too hard on yourself there, esp if you are recovering from a traumatic birth. Give it time. It'll come back. I think what's more striking to me is the power play that seems to be going on here with your husband. When you want it all the time, he refuses you. Suddenly, when you don't want it, he's asking for it. He sounds like a controlling spouse to me. Just pay attention to that. You might even do an experiment to see if that's indeed the dynamic at play... Start offering yourself to him and see how long it takes him to start refusing. If it turns out to be a power thing, therapy could be in order for one or both of you, and you're in the same boat as all of us. Sorry I'm not more help! Hang in there. Hope things get better. It is very strange to me that all these years now he is in the mood  isn't life funny sometimes lol. I will keep an eye on that and right now i'm afraid if I offer myself he will take me up on it and I am not interested in opening that side of me right now. If it does happen and he starts refusing again I will have to suggest couples therapy and not just me this time. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 15, 2016 14:37:45 GMT -5
I will keep an eye on that and right now i'm afraid if I offer myself he will take me up on it and I am not interested in opening that side of me right now. If it does happen and he starts refusing again I will have to suggest couples therapy and not just me this time. I have read all the posts, it sure sounds like a huge lack of communication,and a lot of devious coercion going on. Very little trust. If it wasn't for all the other problems you would get " tagged" for a broad brush nothing answer of " I am not interested in opening that side of me right now". Hope you understand how selfish that sounds. |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 15, 2016 14:44:49 GMT -5
I would say it might just be a huge turnoff from him not even trying to get me in the mood. I think it is mostly us not connecting in that level because during my Grey's Anatomy binge I was getting in the mood lol. I am an open book about EVERYTHING with him. There is not much I keep to myself except after a while I stopped mentioning the help I was getting on EP. Yeah it doesn't sound like a libido thing but I would still discuss all of this with your dr. You just had a baby and it can take a good year for your body to get back to it's normal self. As far as your husband and him wanting sex he needs to BE A MAN, not a child and work for it. I would put it in writing for him so he understands all of the things you need from him, all of the actions he needs to take in order to rekindle your desire for him. Flirting, compliments, a massage, kissing, a smack on the ass, sexting, date night, do something fun together, watch a sexy movie together, all of these things without him getting sex so that he can restart your desire. There is something to be said for the build up and anticipation and all of that makes sex better. I'll take foreplay for $100!!! I will try other ways of getting in the mood again also I was always in the mood so I never had to try to get myself there and with him he never had to try anything because I was always willing lol. |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 15, 2016 14:57:42 GMT -5
I will keep an eye on that and right now i'm afraid if I offer myself he will take me up on it and I am not interested in opening that side of me right now. If it does happen and he starts refusing again I will have to suggest couples therapy and not just me this time. I have read all the posts, it sure sounds like a huge lack of communication,and a lot of devious coercion going on. Very little trust. If it wasn't for all the other problems you would get " tagged" for a broad brush nothing answer of " I am not interested in opening that side of me right now". Hope you understand how selfish that sounds. You are completely right that does sound selfish. I have struggled with being refused for a couple of years now and I have never had issues with wanting it. I didn't care how long would go by until he remembered that side of the relationship again. I was always willing no matter what. My baby being so young I am the one caring for her and working FT he is constantly expecting me to just take my clothes off and go for it and I am exhausted but that's not even the issue I don't get one bit of foreplay or even a kiss. I can't open myself up for that not because I don't want to I just don't feel it right now and that's what's confusing me right now. I have never had my husband want me and I have never been in this position before where I just don't feel like giving back. I don't know if it's temporary or my moods have changed. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 15, 2016 15:25:26 GMT -5
You have all those years of rejection from the beginning to deal with that is tough to diagnose. I can tell you that my wife and I had four babies, all within two years of each other. There was procreation sex. I dealt with the " I am exhausted" excuse ten years after the last child was born. I do remember myself and my wife,( me mostly, because I stayed home with the toddlers) jumping to our feet anytime a baby needed us. That makes me skeptical looking back on the ," I am exhausted " excuse. When one can go to all the effort to have family over, invitations, cooking, groceries, cleaning, etc... But can't relax her body in bed and do mostly receiving of pleasure, well.......There were those times when my wife wanted to pro-create she would climb into the bed naked. That was all it took!
The no for play or kiss, that should fall under the realm of intimacy. That sounds like a key factor that your husband has no clue, or no desire for. A big red warning flag.
At this very moment in your life, if you had an opportunity to flirt with another man, would you feel the desire to do so? Perhaps that would help answer your question about your sexual desires.
Thanks for sharing with us. Give that sweet baby a nose rub for me!!
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 15, 2016 15:44:54 GMT -5
"I don't get one bit of foreplay or even a kiss." What?  Are you a person or a blow up doll??? Your husband sounds terrible in bed, I wouldn't want to sleep with him either. Consider that the reason you don't want him is that your desire for connection and intimacy and love is being satisfied by your baby, and your husband is just offering you a dick. A dick by itself isn't going to give you any emotional satisfaction and it probably won't even get you off. Yikes!!!! |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 15, 2016 20:38:03 GMT -5
"I don't get one bit of foreplay or even a kiss." What? Are you a person or a blow up doll??? Your husband sounds terrible in bed, I wouldn't want to sleep with him either. Consider that the reason you don't want him is that your desire for connection and intimacy and love is being satisfied by your baby, and your husband is just offering you a dick. A dick by itself isn't going to give you any emotional satisfaction and it probably won't even get you off. Yikes!!!! I think this might be the best summary yet. You said yesterday your husband might have been spoiled because you were always available and he never had to make an effort. I look back on the first few years of my marriage and I felt like we were getting enough connection because we were having sex. But actually with hindsight the sex was never very emotionally engaged and wasn't great. I just didn't notice. As soon as we began to have issues around sex it became glaringly apparent that the emotional connection wasn't there. And then the sex is not really very appealing any more. My guess is you are not going to be able to fix the sex issue without addressing the rest of your marriage at the same time. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2016 22:31:53 GMT -5
Now that I think of it, this thread kind of ties into the jokey "cucumbers are better than men because..." thread. While I didn't at first find much to recommend a cucumber over a man, if there is no kissing, no foreplay, then a cucumber would actually be better than that man because it will not bug you for sex after you recently had a baby and are not in the mood.
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Post by baza on Jun 16, 2016 0:59:35 GMT -5
I think, Sister xxyesenia, that we often get caught up in "who's fault it is" that a marriage has degenerated in to an ILIASM shithole - and really, it doesn't matter a real lot. Apportioning the blame does nothing, nothing at all, to move the problem along to resolution.
Whether you are the refused in a dysfunctional marriage - or whether you are the refuser in a dysfunctional marriage - makes no difference to the bald fact that you ARE in a dysfunctional marriage.
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Now invariably in this group (and the old EP group) it is the refused spouse who joins here and tells their story.
Not too many refusers join here and write - "everything is great bar my spouses unreasonable demands for sex".
But if they did, my suggestions to them would be exactly the same as they are to refused persons.
Namely,
- to take a full and fearless inventory of their relationship as to whether their position that "everything is great bar the unreasonable demands for sex" is true, or is it actually a big fuck up at all sorts of levels.
- to take ownership of their choice to stay in the situation.
- to fully explore the option of not staying in the situation.
- to make a fully informed choice about what they are going to do
- do it.
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Who is refused, who is refuser, makes no difference.
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 16, 2016 2:33:08 GMT -5
Giving birth and all the hormone changes have a big impact. Breastfeeding has impact on hormones too. And not to mention the baby itself! After I had given birth, we had a failed attempt after about 4 months and it was still hurting for me. It took several more months until I got the idea it was possible again with not too much pain. But exhaustion of us both was the biggest problem. As baza says, good to get some medical advice for yourself. But that won't be enough to do something about your very unreasonable husband and your dysfunctional relationship. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 16, 2016 3:43:45 GMT -5
You may also consider that since hubby really had no clue before baby, about what got you in the mood - he still doesn't. Now, for whatever reason, he wants sex, but doesn't know where your "on" button is. You, now with low libido, don't care to show him. Most SM's do not recover because the refusing partner doesn't see the problem as a problem. You may have an opportunity to get your husband into therapy with you now as he can see that this really is a problem that he wants/needs to fix.
The question for you is - do you really care enough anymore?
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I guess I was a little masochistic... at the time it was all I could think about lol. 
Yes I am breastfeeding. That's the only difference between my first kid to this one I wasn't able to breastfeed her since she wouldn't latch. My second baby eats constantly and I work Full Time so I am pumping at work as well. I also get up at night to feed. I didn't think that breastfeeding would change my mood 
maybe that's the culprit?! Not that it matters as I won't stop breastfeeding until baby is one hopefully! 
isn't life funny sometimes lol. 
Are you a person or a blow up doll??? Your husband sounds terrible in bed, I wouldn't want to sleep with him either.
