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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 14, 2016 17:51:33 GMT -5
Hi Everyone!!! I was part of the EP group as well before it went away. I am sooo happy that I decided to read through old posts and found this forum. ❤️ I feel really happy about finding this. It's like getting some sanity back! Not sure if I'm writing in the right section. Background: I joined EP ILIASM group after two years of marriage (just hit 5 years last Saturday). I was constantly being refused any kind of contact with him. Mentioning romance to rekindle our relationship usually ended up with him laughing at my face. I don't think I have ever craved anything more than sex. I couldn't have a conversation with coworkers without it coming to mind. I was always initiating and he would fall asleep before anything happened. I was constantly hugging him, kissing, anything to spark something between us but always ended up on my own side of bed... Sleepless. Things improved a little after buying our own house and we had fun until I got knocked up and things still looked good until I hit 5 months pregnant and things stopped from his end. Current Situation: My baby is 4 months old now and after a hard labor (4 days labor  ?) I was really scared to do the deed. All of a sudden the 6 week wait was just to much for him. Idk where that was coming from. So the 6 weeks came and went and still no action (from my part) he started getting mad and kept insisting and about 12 week after birth we finally did. One time and I haven't brought myself up for it again. This has caused him being rude to me and being butt hurt about it. Mind you I've gone 6 months and longer with him when it was reversed. I am not doing this for revenge in anyway. If you knew me from EP I would jump to any small invitation from his part and no shame lol! My libido was that of 3 teenage boys ??. I am very open to sex with him and would welcome porn and toys anything that would wake up that side of him. Now I can't even think of about it or feel okay looking at porn. It's like my mind automatically shuts it off and now I can't even stand when he gets close to me to kiss me. It bothers me that any contact from him is just for the purpose of him getting laid he won't even try to reconnect in an intimate way and that didn't stop me before. So I'm sexless but I'm the refuser? It's the weirdest place I have ever been and idk what to do with those emotions it's causing him because I was there too! ? Sorry for the long story. I probably left a lot out hopefully it made sense. ? |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2016 17:57:51 GMT -5
Do you have any idea what happened? Are you in or considering medical treatment or therapy?
This is a new one for me.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 14, 2016 18:10:33 GMT -5
Childbirth is a tough process on the body and it's only been 4 months. I would talk to your gynocologist and have your hormones tested.
On the other side of the coin though it is disturbing to me that your husband who was a refuser would laugh in your face. That's total bullshit. I know you aren't doing this for revenge but if your behavior is not due to physiological causes then maybe it's psychological. Are you still in love with him? Does he deserve your love? He needs to earn your love. Maybe shoot him a text that says "Grab a clue if you want to grab my boobs!", with a link on how to get laid with a focus on being nice to your wife and some examples of romance.
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 14, 2016 18:11:25 GMT -5
Do you have any idea what happened? Are you in or considering medical treatment or therapy? This is a new one for me. I am not taking any medications. I was seeing a therapist last year but he said there was so much we could do if my husband was not willing to come in and get his side of the issue. I think I might have to start seeing someone again because this is very confusing. So odd being on this side of SM. |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 14, 2016 18:17:28 GMT -5
Childbirth is a tough process on the body and it's only been 4 months. I would talk to your gynocologist and have your hormones tested. On the other side of the coin though it is disturbing to me that your husband who was a refuser would laugh in your face. That's total bullshit. I know you aren't doing this for revenge but if your behavior is not due to physiological causes then maybe it's psychological. Are you still in love with him? Does he deserve your love? He needs to earn your love. Maybe shoot him a text that says "Grab a clue if you want to grab my boobs!", with a link on how to get laid with a focus on being nice to your wife and some examples of romance. Like everyone says "He is an amazing husband and father just not in the lover sense of a husband". It's what makes all the difference from best friend and husband. He is usually considerate of my feelings but when it comes to romance he lacks tremendously. I do agree he does need to get a clue and know how to work for it. I would do everything I could think of to get him to get in the mood and now he kisses me and it feels so weird because we would never kiss now I'm expected to make out with him? Honestly idk I'm so not used to being on this side. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 14, 2016 18:30:13 GMT -5
Is it lack of libido or lack of desire for him?
Like if you saw your actor crush on tv being all romantic and shirtless, does that get you in the mood?
I would also say you must communicate with your husband and tell him that you want to want sex from him but you need him to do x, y and z before you will be in the mood and he needs to be patient with you and not get angry.
At the same time I understand you are confused but at least you can relate to what he is going through whether it's right or wrong or payback or kharma - a husband and wife should be having sex otherwise it's just a business arrangement.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 14, 2016 18:47:07 GMT -5
I obviously have limited personal experience in this area, but I think it is not that uncommon to not feel like sex a few months after childbirth, although I think different people's experience can vary a lot. So it is not necessarily something to worry about. I am concerned that you might be carrying some trauma from 4 days of childbirth, so it might be worth talking that through with somebody. And if you are feeling a bit traumatised, what you probably need is somebody to be sensitive and gentle and to care about your feelings so you can work your way back into it together.
Unfortunately, your husband is a dick. He is happy to reject you for ages, and then when he is turned down he gets all hurt. It feels like he mostly wants to feel needed, and couldn't care less about the actual intimacy. So as long as you were needing him he wasn't bothered. The moment you didn't want him any more he is suddenly all horny again. In the circumstances it doesn't feel like he really cares about you at all, so no wonder you don't want to have sex with him.
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Post by baza on Jun 14, 2016 18:50:48 GMT -5
Who is the refuser, who is the refused doesn't particularly matter.
It didn't matter when you were nominally the refused spouse, and it doesn't matter now when you are nominally the refuser.
The upshot of it all (and it seems to have been in place quite a while) is the resultant dysfunctional marriage.
Whoever wants to do something about that gets my vote, whether they are the refuser or the refused.
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What I would suggest straight up is that you see your medico. If there is some malfunction in your sexual persona at this point, it would be best to get on top of that a.s.a.p. irrespective of the state of your marriage, or where it is ultimately going.
That's something for *you*.
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As regards the marriage, and given it was bad enough to have gotten you joining the old EP group some time ago, and it reads like it is just as bad now, albeit with some sort of role reversal. But your spouse still comes across as an extremely selfish individual.
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Same old choices ahead of you as before Sister xxyesenia.
Exactly the same as when you were "the refused".
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 14, 2016 19:34:12 GMT -5
It sounds like he is jealous of all the attention your baby is no doubt getting. Considering what you've been through with the childbirth and for any new mom, he could be a little understanding. But, it doesn't sound like he is capable of being understanding when it comes to anything having to do with intimacy. And if he's not interested in learning, he never will be.
Re: your lack of desire for him, I don't know why any person would desire someone who has rejected them a million times unless they're masochistic. Maybe you just don't see him that way anymore.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2016 20:07:23 GMT -5
It's pretty normal for a new mom to have a reduced libido. If nothing else, it's exhausting having a baby to care for with the lack of sleep, etc. It would be a good idea to check with your doctor and I'd suggest you make your husband come along, too. He needs a reality check in the worst way.
I had very little desire for sex when my babies were so little, but my sex drive came roaring back with they got to be a little older (7-8 months old, which if you are nursing coincides with them starting to eat more solid food so you're nursing less). Of course, for me, it was easier having no sex drive since my STBX was really only ever interested in sex for the purpose of procreation.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 14, 2016 20:18:29 GMT -5
Sounds like your husband is overly sensitive or resentful of something. Not that it excuses his behavior, but you say he is a good man otherwise. I know he's going to hate hearing this, but he's going to have to get in touch with his feelings.
Considering his past refusing, this may not help, but I will put it out there anyway. Do you guys take any date nights? Having a baby kind of consumes your energy, and it sounds like a baby sitter and a night out is in order.
If that doesn't work, I suggest going to Home Depot or Lowe's. Go back to the lumber department and get a nice section of 2x4 lumber about 2 feet long. Use it to knock some sense into your husband (jk)
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 15, 2016 12:30:51 GMT -5
Is it lack of libido or lack of desire for him? Like if you saw your actor crush on tv being all romantic and shirtless, does that get you in the mood? I would also say you must communicate with your husband and tell him that you want to want sex from him but you need him to do x, y and z before you will be in the mood and he needs to be patient with you and not get angry. At the same time I understand you are confused but at least you can relate to what he is going through whether it's right or wrong or payback or kharma - a husband and wife should be having sex otherwise it's just a business arrangement. I would say it might just be a huge turnoff from him not even trying to get me in the mood. I think it is mostly us not connecting in that level because during my Grey's Anatomy binge I was getting in the mood lol. I am an open book about EVERYTHING with him. There is not much I keep to myself except after a while I stopped mentioning the help I was getting on EP. |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 15, 2016 12:39:20 GMT -5
I obviously have limited personal experience in this area, but I think it is not that uncommon to not feel like sex a few months after childbirth, although I think different people's experience can vary a lot. So it is not necessarily something to worry about. I am concerned that you might be carrying some trauma from 4 days of childbirth, so it might be worth talking that through with somebody. And if you are feeling a bit traumatised, what you probably need is somebody to be sensitive and gentle and to care about your feelings so you can work your way back into it together. Unfortunately, your husband is a dick. He is happy to reject you for ages, and then when he is turned down he gets all hurt. It feels like he mostly wants to feel needed, and couldn't care less about the actual intimacy. So as long as you were needing him he wasn't bothered. The moment you didn't want him any more he is suddenly all horny again. In the circumstances it doesn't feel like he really cares about you at all, so no wonder you don't want to have sex with him.  Four days of labor was very hard on me and maybe I am a little traumatized. I should mention this issue to my doctor. I wonder if maybe it's harder on him because I was always willing to be available for him without him even trying? Is the blue pill for women too? lol  |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2016 12:56:48 GMT -5
Is it lack of libido or lack of desire for him? Like if you saw your actor crush on tv being all romantic and shirtless, does that get you in the mood? I would also say you must communicate with your husband and tell him that you want to want sex from him but you need him to do x, y and z before you will be in the mood and he needs to be patient with you and not get angry. At the same time I understand you are confused but at least you can relate to what he is going through whether it's right or wrong or payback or kharma - a husband and wife should be having sex otherwise it's just a business arrangement. I would say it might just be a huge turnoff from him not even trying to get me in the mood. I think it is mostly us not connecting in that level because during my Grey's Anatomy binge I was getting in the mood lol. I am an open book about EVERYTHING with him. There is not much I keep to myself except after a while I stopped mentioning the help I was getting on EP. Yeah it doesn't sound like a libido thing but I would still discuss all of this with your dr. You just had a baby and it can take a good year for your body to get back to it's normal self. As far as your husband and him wanting sex he needs to BE A MAN, not a child and work for it. I would put it in writing for him so he understands all of the things you need from him, all of the actions he needs to take in order to rekindle your desire for him. Flirting, compliments, a massage, kissing, a smack on the ass, sexting, date night, do something fun together, watch a sexy movie together, all of these things without him getting sex so that he can restart your desire. There is something to be said for the build up and anticipation and all of that makes sex better. |
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 15, 2016 13:14:04 GMT -5
Who is the refuser, who is the refused doesn't particularly matter. It didn't matter when you were nominally the refused spouse, and it doesn't matter now when you are nominally the refuser. The upshot of it all (and it seems to have been in place quite a while) is the resultant dysfunctional marriage. Whoever wants to do something about that gets my vote, whether they are the refuser or the refused. - What I would suggest straight up is that you see your medico. If there is some malfunction in your sexual persona at this point, it would be best to get on top of that a.s.a.p. irrespective of the state of your marriage, or where it is ultimately going. That's something for *you*. - As regards the marriage, and given it was bad enough to have gotten you joining the old EP group some time ago, and it reads like it is just as bad now, albeit with some sort of role reversal. But your spouse still comes across as an extremely selfish individual. - Same old choices ahead of you as before Sister xxyesenia. I have to admit I missed reading through your advice comments on EP! I think the idea of being on the not so other side of our situation made me only think about that and not really focus on the fact that it's the same problem just a different view. I will start with my doctor to see if there is any postpartum issues I am dealing with or if our relationship is just reaching another breaking point. |
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?) I was really scared to do the deed. All of a sudden the 6 week wait was just to much for him. Idk where that was coming from. So the 6 weeks came and went and still no action (from my part) he started getting mad and kept insisting and about 12 week after birth we finally did. One time and I haven't brought myself up for it again. This has caused him being rude to me and being butt hurt about it. Mind you I've gone 6 months and longer with him when it was reversed. I am not doing this for revenge in anyway. If you knew me from EP I would jump to any small invitation from his part and no shame lol! My libido was that of 3 teenage boys 
Four days of labor was very hard on me and maybe I am a little traumatized. I should mention this issue to my doctor. I wonder if maybe it's harder on him because I was always willing to be available for him without him even trying? Is the blue pill for women too? lol 
